Ter

Hi all, Has anyone heard of the Mankind Project? My spouse's therapist suggested that my spouse go to a retreat. I researched it on line and it sounds weird. There is some nudity involved but the men can choose not to take part. I cannot believe the therapist would EVEN suggest this to my husband, as he KNOWS my husband has acted out 4 TIMES with MEN during our marriage (yes we are still together and trying to work on rebuilding--if I can EVER forgive him). And he also has a history of being interested in men due to the sickness of porn/sex addiction and childhood trauma. My problem is that I found out the gross details about 14 months ago, we went through disclosure, I went to betrayal trauma therapy and thought I was doing good. I told my husband I was very upset with his therapist to suggest that group (among others) and I started to have flashbacks. He was not supportive at all and we got into a big fight. After the fact, he realized that his sarcasm, defensiveness and mocking did not help my triggering! He's not going obviously, but does anyone have any feedback? Thanks.

I do not see any posts on this topic. I would like to read more. I am a partner of an addict. Thanks.

Hi Ruby, Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply. We are on vacation, on a road trip, and I somehow twisted my back last week and have not been on line in a while. I'm doing ok, thanks. I believe the fog has lifted finally. About a month ago, it's like everything began making sense to me: His addiction is a sickness, he has had it most of his 70+ years! And I need to take care of ME! This last year has been pure hell for me--I've lost a year of my life, while he probably feels great that he doesn't have to keep the secret anymore. So I have been doing what I want to do for my healing. A few things that have helped me are: his one year sobriety date was August 24th. I am trying to believe he has not done any porn, etc. (He will have another polygraph in October), he has been in therapy for a year and also attends an SA group every week and has found one where we are vacationing, which he is at now. A few times I've actually put myself in his place and decided I would not like to be in his shoes with such an addiction. When the therapists say recovery takes 3-5 years, that's exactly what they mean. At first, I thought oh he will go to therapy, I will go to therapy, we will go to marriage counseling and things will be just great! It's not that way at all. He has been sober but he is far from recovered. He's trying in little ways, but has a long way to go (not being so quiet, initiating conversations with me, etc.) . I don't think I'll ever get over his acting out with men, or his deceiving me for over 20 years, by watching porn and all the other gross things he did on-line. I finally stepped back and saw how this trauma has affected me and decided I would not let him do this to me. I hope that makes sense and helps a little. I also attended a 12 week betrayal trauma support group which helped and I'm still in individual therapy and we are in couples therapy. From what I have read and what my therapist has shared with me: The first year is crazy and traumatic for the partner, the second year starts to settle down if both the addict and partner work hard and the third year things move on. May I ask how long ago you found out? Are you and your husband in therapy? Looking forward to your reply. Hugs,

Hi Pippa, Sorry it took so long for me to answer. Although I was sickened by what I found out, I think overall I felt better than if I still were imagining things that he could have been doing. He has done so many sicko things, that I have them categorized in my mind--sick-could have stopped, etc. His addiction went all the way back to when he was younger. Some things are so gross, I have to believe it's a sickness. I will never justify what he did then or in the 25 years we have been together. To answer your question if I am going to stay with him--I guess for now. They say don't make any moves at least for a year when you have been traumatized. At this point, it may just turn into a marriage of convenience--we are still paying on our house-if I take the sickness away--he has been a good companion. I thought he was making progress in his recovery, trying to be empathetic, understanding, but I have just realized that nothing I have been saying is sinking in. He is very apathetic, defensive, sarcastic lately. I think he has been sober or so he says for a year, but I'm learning that is not recovery. He goes to individual counseling, group counseling a 12-step program and we go to couples counseling and nothing has soaked in. He is 76; I'm in my early 70s. So like you say--where do we go at this stage in our lives. You say you had an affair years ago--I have been faithful through all our marriage and now through this BS, but with his attitude, I can now see why people have affairs. I feel that I could go away for a year and he wouldn't notice unless he needed dinner. In my rages, I have said I was going to go out and find someone to comfort me and listen to me, and he said he would understand if I did. I believe if he was trying to win me back, he would have said no--I will do everything to learn to comfort you. So---like I said, I feel neglected, part of the furniture, and unloved. Have you had a formal disclosure yet? Please let's stay in touch. Terri

Hi Ruby, I know what you mean--the loss of the husband you once had. I felt like I was living with a complete stranger after I found out. It took me two years to even trust him when we first got married. My friends would say Oh you don't have to worry about him being unfaithful to you. My soft spoken, kind hearted, quiet husband had become a monster to me. Some days, I look at him and still get triggered at how he has destroyed our marriage and me. How for the last 8 months I have been in some kind of a fog--everyone else is enjoying life, and I'm lucky if I can make it through the day doing the basics in life. And like you, I wondered how he could do this to me if he loved me. What was he thinking when he did this? What has helped me is learning that an addict actually is not thinking. Their frontal lobe in their brain shuts down. I am understanding that more and more intellectually, but emotionally it's not working. I feel there was that little voice saying you know this is wrong. But he chose to do it anyway. Hope that helps.

Hi Pippa, I am in the USA. And you? Yes, that would be great if we could all meet face to face. I read your post and I'm sorry that you also have to be going through this trauma. I asked questions and more question and more questions. I had to know everything; otherwise, I would have made up scenarios in my mind. The truth turned out to be worse that any scenarios I could have made up, as you probably know by my previous post. We fought every night for months; I raged and cried every night for months. He finally took a polygraph. I felt like the questions I asked on the polygraph were truthfully answered. And yes, the detached feeling the last few times we were intimate (a long time ago) is very familiar to me. Like he was there physically, but not emotionally. I have read so much about porn addiction and betrayal trauma, I could write a book. I found a disk last Aug. in his laptop when I asked to use his laptop as mine does not have a disk slot. It was tranny porn. I will start there...I thought what in the hell is tranny porn? I mean I am not a prude, but really? I searched on the net and it is just gross. So, no wonder he was in la la land when we were intimate! UGH!!! The story gets more interesting. I feel that I'm over the initial shock, but it will take a very long time for me to heal. I have never heard of a sex addict watching porn and not masturbating, but what do I know? Sending hugs,

I'm so glad I found this board and to know I am not alone in this. Especially good to know that I'm not the only one who is "older" and has been in a marriage for a long time.

Oh Sorry, I think it's Ruby I was replying to

Hi Pippa, I just came across this board. I totally understand what you are going through. I have been there. My husband acted out 4 different times with 4 different men in a gay massage parlor. I remember the utter shock of finding out last winter. We have been married 25 years, and he kept his porn addiction a secret all this time. It would take a long time to post my entire story here right now, but I wanted to share this with you. I raged, cried, cursed, and had a burning image in my mind for weeks after I found out. I was sick for months! I also met another partner who's husband did the same thing. Unfortunately, I have lost contact with her. I did find out in my research that: porn addiction is progressive, sometimes to weird acting out behavior, Betrayal Trauma can cause PTSD, something happened in the Porn Addict's childhood to cause the addiction, there are support groups for us partners, there are specialized counselors that deal with Betrayal Trauma in partners. Here are some suggestions: The website: Your Brain on Porn/the book: Is Your Husband Gay, Straight or Bi. Many married men with the addiction have been with men. I know it's sick---I am totally not justifying what they did. I have categorized what my husband did in a "sick" category. That's not the only gross thing he has done. I will address that some other time. A lifetime of gross stuff. If anyone had told me that at my age, and being married to "The Best Thing that Ever Happened to me", my "Rock", that I would be on these boards, I would have fallen down laughing. There is so much more to my story, but it is really long. We both are in counseling---I do not know where our marriage will go from here--We live like roommates. He has taken a polygraph, we have had our disclosure. The initial shock will wear off--what helped me is to sit in my car and call him every low down name in the book, write even if it makes no sense, counseling, /when I was raging and thinking I was going to have a stroke, deciding he was not worth it to damage my health. Do anything you can to take care of you. I was in a fog for about 6 months, and am finally coming out of it now, I hope that helps. When did you find out? Are you in the US or the UK? Take care.