How and where do you begin to even comprehend the horror and utter devastation of finding out the man you've been with for 20 years has been having encounters with men during all of that time? I have never ever written on a forum before but I am in so much pain - or at least swinging between pain and intense anger - that I am hoping someone can understand a little of what I am going through. I guess I'm reaching out to ask, has this happened to anyone else and how di/are you coping?
I had absolutely no idea he was doing this and he did not suddenly confess. It gets worse.....one of our children saw an app called Grindr I think, on his phone and confronted me about it. I didn't even know what it was never mind why it was on his phone!
Needless to say they are now reeling as much as I am although I haven't actually confirmed what he has been doing to them. I don't have the words and don't believe they deserve to have the burden of knowing they have a father that has done this.
He is having counselling and his counsellor told him to recommend to me I read books about being a partner of a sex addict. That was another blow because when it first came to light what he'd been doing he said it was related to a very short spell of childhood abuse and what the male abuser had instilled into him. He says its only ever been masturbation with other men.....not sure whether that's supposed to make me feel better or not. I've read a couple of very good books for partners of sex addicts but many seem to feature men who are addicted to sex with other women or look at pornography involving women.
Now my husband refuses to talk any more about it. He claims his counsellor has told him that further disclosure will only hurt me even more and its time to move ahead. His counselling seems to be focussing on the trauma caused by the abuse which I appreciate is much needed and very good for him. However I cant even begin to think about 'moving ahead' until I know all of what he did. I feel as if I am on shifting sands, a place of dark shadows where every tiny shred of new information sets me right back - I've already realised he's told me one or two lies during the very basic disclosure he did give.
We see to be at an impasse. He wont talk any more about it and says we should focus on rebuilding the marriage and not look backwards as its destructive. I cant move forwards when there is still so much I need to know before I can even think about forgiving him or trusting him