hi Cat wow another woman. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am just at the start of mine and one of the biggest hurdles I have found so far is the fact that I'm a woman. I feel such a freak as 'woman aren't meant to have issues with sex'. Or that's what I got told anyway. I would love to keep in touch in some way if that's possible.
I've just read your blog. Thank you for sharing in such an open way. So much of it resonates with me and although my addiction has gone down a different route to yours, the steps that have taken it there have been similar.
thanks for the advice Josh . at the moment it is not something I can consider. I know that sounds strange given I'm here and saying I want to stop. Right now, I need that safety net even if I never use it. When I read through your post, I really thought I could maybe do that, but then had a huge anxiety attack. I think it is hard as my main issue progressed from porn so long ago, that I don't use sites often anymore even before this. my addictive behaviours are physical with real people. I would say I'm a prostitute but I don't get paid........But if someone calls me and wanted it, (before I found here and have started the process of change) I would just do it, whether I'd met them before or not. But despite a difficult week I have now had days of being sober. 17/4/18 is going to be an important date for me.
I get where you're coming from. I think we use the chaos of things to distract us at times from thinking about what is actually happening. I am currently 3 full days clean of actual physical addictive behaviours that have involved anyone else. I have decided for now this is the minimum I will accept for my abstinence. I want sex from now on to only be part of a loving honest relationship.
So things are changing. Yesterday I had a very emotional day and it is something that in the past would have seen me running to screw anyone and everyone just to get through. But I didn't, I have woken up today and know I'm clean. I haven't woken up with those feelings of despising myself. It is a strange feeling, but nice in a way as well. I've also got rid of more of my fb and hidden myself on my hook up site. I know you are asking why I haven't cancelled it and deleted everything......I can't right now, the thought of having nothing else there is too scary right now. But it does mean I won't be getting loads of offers and messages through the day. Update over........thanks for letting me just waffle on. It is helping.
I made a step forward last night. I opened up to one of my best friends about my addiction. They blew my mind away with their support. There was no condemnation or judgement, just concern and real worry that I may have been hurt or taken advantage of because of it. It feels good to have made that step, another move from the shadows and secrecy that can fuel this more.
The worst thing is, I know all this stuff. My job is basically 24/7 therapy. I spend all my time supporting people to take control of their lives, identify issues and deal with them. But I can't do it myself. I've tried getting a therapist but can't afford one. I've contacted two 12 step groups and both said they would pass my details to the group leaders but I have not heard anything. I've got books including Paula's. And have been researching everything I can . I do crossfit at least 4 days a week which I love. I'm making excuses which is wrong. So what are the things I can do that will support my recovery; I am going to keep coming here and posting. I am thinking of starting some form of journal. I'm going to chase the support groups for the information I need. Thanks for replying j sometimes we need reminders even if it is information we already know.
Thanks Josh I am still feeling like shit. I ended up acting out again today. I need to get control but the more I try the more despise myself and that leads me to do the behaviour I despise. I don't know why I'm here or still posting. But it is like I've found a rope to hang on to to stop me drowning and even though I am going under regularly I know I can't let go or I will go completely under. So tomorrow I will try again.......
So I have had a really difficult weekend. Firstly I am not sober, clean or abstinent from my addictive behaviours. I've had a huge slap in my face that should have got me running for cover, but sent me straight to the behaviour I want to stop. Two people who I have been using have had their marriages break down and I have been a main factor in both. I have not wanted to hurt anybody, but my actions do hurt people. I've tried justifying it in so many different ways- it was their behaviour not mine (I'm single), if they weren't doing it with me it would happen anyway with someone else.............. you know the sort of things. But it is me.....that wife will never be able to unsee the pictures and videos she came across. I feel so shit right now and that is dangerous knowing what I can do when I feel like this and want to punish myself.
Thats the thing. I don't want to just transfer my addictive behaviours to a different addiction. I know I need to address the root cause of what need they are filling for me so I can work out non destructive ways of meeting it. This is so hard, but just being able to talk to people who understand is a comfort.
Thanks for this. I'll try and check it out. I just wish porn was my biggest challenge, but unfortunately I crossed it to reality far to long ago. I hope you are managing your stuff. And really do appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Hi and thanks for the reply. I'm in contact with saa and Sauk but I'm struggling to get anything near me. The therapist I spoke to was from the laurel centre. It's just such a nightmare to be at a place where I know I need help but not be able to find it. I'm worried that by the time I can source something that I will have gone through the window and decided it is just what I'm going to live with forever. I think I wasn't clear though with my comment about losing people. The people I've been culling have been some of the people stoking my addiction. People who have been encouraging me to explore the more extreme aspects of my addiction. One thing I have managed, is not to go on the porn site. Although I am no where near sober in relation to all of my sexually addictive behaviours, this feels good. But is that just me trying to make myself feel better about myself given I've still met people and been physical with them. So many confusing thoughts right now.......