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Snowy

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  1. Snowy

    Help & encouragement please

    Florrie, thank you so much for answering my appeal for help and encouragement, and I was sorry to read your story; we both know how much a partner can hurt with trying to deal with this kind of addiction. I am pleased to report that my husband started attending our nearest SAA group last week and will carry on with this. I had vaguely heard of the EMDR treatment and that is an option we would both consider, if we feel my husband needs it. I hadn't heard of the Recovery site you mention, and I've had a good look at that. It is something we will definitely seriously consider, and I do like the idea of an 'accountability contract'. What we have now is a lot more honesty in our relationship - I've not tried to be kind to him, nor let him make excuses, as I do not think that will help. He's just had the kind of stress pop up in his life that led him to relapse before, and we both know that the next few months will have to be 'managed'. I had not got to the point of trusting him after finding out the first tranche of things, and I'm not sure I can ever trust him again, but that doesn't mean we won't keep working at our marriage. Apart from him not being allowed to use a cash machine, I also have a Follow Me track on his iPhone (although he found a way round that last time). However, now that I found out what he did, he can't pull that one again! Follow Me might be something you want to consider, for both your sakes? You're right, there are no guarantees in this life - I've gone through big crisis' before; this is another one. Your response to my plight was really helpful, thanks, and I especially took comfort from your final sentence: 'There are no guarantees in life and promises seem meaningless, but what we can do is build our strength, develop our resilience, and nurture ourselves so that whatever happens we will come out of this mess in one piece!'
  2. Hello everybody, I've just discovered this forum and read through quite a lot of the threads, a lot of which has been helpful. Here is my story, and any help, encouragement and advice from you would be much appreciated: In December 2016, a 'stray' email appeared on my computer, which led me to ask questions of my husband of 16 years. I had found the odd thing a feyyears ago, (an email to a gay site & 'porn selfies'), but he had somehow managed to explain those away to gullible me. Anyway, eventually he admitted to a plethora of things: watching porn, visiting gay saunas, accessing men for masturbation on Craigslist, trying to join other sex-related sites and, what appeared to be his main problem, - body2body massages with Happy Endings and sometimes a bit more (although he says he never took up the offer of 'full service', which for various really personal reasons, I can believe). I turned into a detective, a role I don't particularly enjoy, but I felt I needed to find as much 'evidence' as possible. Such was his addiction to massage parlours, that I believe he spent almost £6k on them. Naturally, we had a frank, emotional discussion, I was extremely upset and just about heartbroken, because, in the words of one of your correspondents on here, 'he was a good man but had done some bad things'. Apart from this addiction, he couldn't treat me any better. He went to see a specialised (expensive) sexual counsellor for about 6 weeks, and so did I. I naively thought this would be the end of it - sigh - but the one word I hadn't really taken account of was: addiction. The therapist did help him to unearth the reasons for his addiction, but addiction means exactly what it says, doesn't it? This all took place in January 2017. Fast forward to March 2018, and via the wonders of the modern iPad, I found out that he had made 4 visits to a woman in our local town for Happy Ending massages. He initially tried to fib his way out of it, but had to come clean in the end. I have now searched all of his devices and found out that since my initial discovery he has been accessing various sites online that, were he recovering, he surely would not be? He had already put himself on Tracker, so I could find out where he is every moment of the day (his job means he travels about a bit, but only to certain definite locations). Since his latest transgression, he is forbidden by me to approach a cash point, as the kind of 'massages' he was having are paid for in cash. I can just about cope with him having the odd massage and HE but what bothers me more than anything is the lies and deceit he used to cover up what he was doing. He has now agreed to seek more help, cannot visit cash points, and of course, we already have the tracker device switched on all the time. I really do not want our marriage to be over, mainly for myself and because I love him and our life together. He is my second husband, but is an integral part of our family and our locality and if we broke up and the reason made public, it would destroy me, never mind him. I hope my story does not come across as too clinical - I can assure you that I have shed many tears, my heart hurts and I feel anguished. What I would really like is some help and encouragement on how I can get through this please. I do have a Christian faith, which is helping me a bit and I have confided in one friend, who has been absolutely amazing.
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