Jump to content

jjj030303

Members
  • Content Count

    1
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

0 Neutral

About jjj030303

  • Rank
    Newbie

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. sorry for the length of this I am in a loving relationship and because of this I have started to examine some of my past behaviour. When I look back at the way I acted before I met this person and fell in love, I believe I was displaying signs of sexual addiction. I would use mobile chatting programs, dating apps and spend all of my free time on them. This has a hugely negative impact on my social life and wellbeing in general (in hindsight) I would arrange dates which freqently ended in no strings attached sex. Sometimes I would see someone more than once but often not. I would engage in cyber sex and sexual conversations, often with several women at the same time...It was complusive behaviour. I only realised how messed up I was after I was caught by my girlfriend having a sexual conversation with a girl (who sent her screenshots) I justified this behaviour to myself by saying that it wasnt really cheating - it was just online. I really was using the women just like pornography - completely dehumanising them. I do not watch porn so this was like pornography to me I guess...after I was caught I realised how wrong I was and since then I have been undergoing a painful process of self realization. I am no longer engaging in that kind of behaviour, and I am serious about making this relationship work. Unfortunately one incident has come to the surface which I am having a hard time processing. 4 years ago I was online looking to chat to people locally. I was hungover and feeling really lonely and desperate. I started talking to a woman and we exhanged pictures. She said I looked sexy. Then when we exchanged ages she said she was 15. This had happened in the past and I had always exited the chat immediately. I am not interested in chatting to kids, have never sought that out or looked at any images nor had any fantasies related to kids. But this time I did not exit the chat. I have no idea why - I guess I just didnt care, or thought there were no consequences. I suppose it is self destructive behaviour. We chatted about nothing much for a while but the conversation did end up discussing sex. I cant remember the exact details as it was long ago and I have probably had thousands of chats since but I do know now that it was wrong to even be in this conversation at all regardless of content. After making that wrong and terrible decision to continue the conversation, I remember it quickly felt normal. I didnt feel like I was chatting to a kid. No pictures were exchanged but we did continue talking over the space of a few days. Then her account dissapeared, I remember thinking...that was stupid...a bit like waking up from a dream. Then I carried on with my life and forgot all about it. Until now. I cannot remember any details about her at all, and I hope that I had no impact on her life or her development as a young person. I am now shocked that I would have done such a thing, so dissapointed in myself for so many reasons, and unsure if I should tell my girlfriend this. It was a long time ago and nothing like that has ever happened to me again, nor do I have any desire for it to. I realize that people make mistakes and I am looking into sex addiction counselling as a way of dealing with my past issues. I am scared that if I hadnt fallen in love then maybe I would have never looked properly at this part of my life. I want to live a happy positve life and leave negativity in the past but I am not sure how to atone for my mistakes.
×