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SadCat

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  1. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If I had known what I was going to go through with my husband over the last few months then I would have found the strength to walk away before we got married. I am trying to imagine my daughter (if I had one) being in your situation and I would want to do everything I could to prevent her from the heartache that you are feeling. Put yourself first, think of your future - trust is so important in a relationship. Once it has gone it's very difficult to get back. xx
  2. I'm not looking after myself properly. I know the theory, but I'm struggling to cope four months on from finding out that my husband is a sex addict. I've turned to food, which has always been my comfort. I had lost two stone before that fateful day, now I've put over a stone of it back on. Each day I wake up I tell myself that today will be the day I start to get my act together and start eating healthily but it just isn't happening. Finding out that my husband had been having communications with other women online while we were together was devastating. I have never thought of looking anywhere else at any time during our relationship. It has now happened three times during our time together – and I have been devastated each time. On the previous two occasions I had wanted to know the details but couldn’t bring myself to ask. The first time involved 'just chatting to women' online, he said nothing else happened. The second time I found messages from other women on his laptop - he told me that he had used the services of a dominatrix prostitute on two occasions – in our bed. I don’t know if he met other women for sex at that time, he says he didn't. On this occasion I insisted that my husband sought help, professional counselling – he went for several sessions and said that he was OK, and that he had strategies to deal with it if he thought it might happen again. I later discovered that he lied to the counsellor – or rather didn’t tell the truth about what had been happening and so his true behaviour wasn't addressed. I was so naive, and I didn't seek more information, I thought sex addiction was something only celebrities and footballers had. I found out last October that he had been contacting women online since April, he didn't even make it to one year of marriage before this happened. He was using a second phone, meeting and paying for sex. He paid an online dominatrix a monthly sum, and was given tasks to do by her. He also joined a site to hook up with women for sex in return for payment. He told me that he has given these prostitutes (he doesn't see them as prostitutes - but he did accept the definition of a prostitute when I read it out to him from the dictionary) money for sex and to help them out of difficult financial situations according to him. He paid out the sum of around £10,500 - some of this, around £4,000 was his company's money. He falsified invoices from them for 'consultation fees' - and told me he didn't have a problem with this as he owns the company and he sees it as his money to do what he likes with - I'm not sure the other directors and shareholders would agree. He has also given money to at least two other women that he didn’t have sex with – they gave him sad stories and he handed over money. One of these prostitutes was 23, just a year older than his daughter and a year younger than his son. He had sex with her over several months, paying her a monthly ‘allowance.' He was at one time having sex with several prostitutes, all who thought they had an 'exclusive arrangement' with him. I am devastated by his betrayal. The sex he had with these women was very risky for many reasons. He usually took these women to the place that we both work at in the evenings before he had band rehearsals – he plays in a band. One of our friends also works there, and often works very late. He could have seen my husband with any of these women – he had sex with them in his office and in the warehouse. My husband was also spotted with one of these women in his car going to a hotel by another employee, who I think was trying to warn me that something was going on behind my back. I challenged my husband, but naturally he lied to me about it all. I had thought for a couple of months there was something amiss with our relationship and something was going on. I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me what was happening but he didn’t take them. He was messaging women and reading emails from them while I was at work with him, literally feet away from him. I needed to catch him in the act of communicating with these women – which I did one day at work – he was reading messages on his second phone (which I had found at work two weeks previously). To give him credit he admitted it straight away, but really he had no choice. He wouldn’t let me see the phone or the messages even though I asked him to show me – he said it would be ‘too upsetting’ for both of us. He then started to tell me what had been going on, but was in fact still lying to me. I wanted him to write everything down, to get him to face up to what he had been doing. He gave me a memory stick with the information on, but what he told me wasn’t in fact complete. I found other evidence of further cheating, and he then edited the document and he tells me now that he has told me everything – I have no idea really if he is telling me the truth. It was all so much worse than I thought it was going to be. I feel numb. I don’t understand why I just can’t walk away – it would be the sensible thing to do. I am devastated that he could have unprotected sex with four women (maybe more??), deciding that simply by chatting to them about their sexual history that they couldn’t have HIV or any other STDs. He wasn’t honest with them, he didn’t tell them that he was having sex with other prostitutes, so why on earth would they tell him the truth? I am angry that he could put me at risk from contracting HIV or an STD or both. I feel sick when I think about it, which is much of the time. I insisted that we went for tests, thankfully they have all come back negative. Everyone thinks my husband is perfect, no one has any idea about any of this. He has started to see a specialist counsellor, but he is very sceptical. He is a psychology graduate and questions everything. He doesn't admit to being a sex addict, but he does acknowledge that he has a problem. He says that he will do everything he can to put it all right, but the fact that he lied and had sex with prostitutes will never go away. He's agreed to complete the sex addiction course with the counsellor, but unless he fully engages I'm not sure it will help. I lie awake every night replaying in my head what he has done and I feel terrible. I have had some counselling which has helped somewhat, but little things set me off again and the spiral of depression hits me again. I know the theory of making sure I look after myself, I just can't seem to do it. Comfort eating isn't helping, even my socks feel tight.
  3. Oh Prue, I'm not sure what to say to you but please look after yourself. I think you need to focus on you, which I know is very hard to do. Facebook is great for watching cat videos, but not for checking up on people - I'd try to stay away from it if you can. I have just spent two days crying because one of our friends proclaimed his total undying love for his wife on their 10th wedding anniversary and I'm not even sure we will make it to our second. Do you have a good support network around you? Sending lots of hugs. xxxx
  4. Hannah, I agree with Eliza, there are things you need to know, and things which are probably best not to know. I made the mistake of asking for too much detail. I now have a terrible time driving to work as one of the places my husband met a prostitute was at a hotel that I have to drive past very day. Some days I am OK but some days it triggers the most awful response in me and it's definitely not helping with my recovery. I saw a therapist for several sessions and he suggested that I should be very careful asking for details as once you know something you can't un-know it. Wise words.
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