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pdw123

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pdw123 last won the day on April 16

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  1. A p.s. to my 'bye for now' posting. Anyone who stumbles across my ramblings and feel they need help with their own sex/porn addiction - well done for thinknig that. It is the first and most important step to think you might need some help. Over the eight weeks since I hit absolute bottom, I have started a spiritual journey. I have, with a heck of a traumatic shock to me and my nearest and dearest, come to stark realisation that I have a problem. I want to get better. I have a few things that have been good for me and I'd like to share them. These may or may not work for you but they worked for me. Move your PC to a shared part of the house e.g. only use it in the kitchen, somewhere where you wouldn't look at porn.Delete your porn, your accounts (to sites, to secret email accounts etc) and your browser histories - all of it. Use Ccleaner to permanently get rid of all that; that way you won't be tempted to look at things and you are less likely to try and get it all back.If you're technically minded, set your internet router to block adult sites or block internet altogether after e.g. 9 pm. If you're not too sure about that try some software like netnanny.Get to Sex Addicts Anonymous. I have done and it is the best decision I could have made; there are people who care and understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! https://saa-recovery.org/ or http://saauk.info/en/ Please please try this; even if you don't talk for your first few meetings please reach out.If you can afford it, get a therapist and BE 100% HONEST WITH THEM. If you can't afford it, contact some anyway and say about your finances, they might be able to offer something anyway.Have a look here - https://recoveringpornaddict.com/ This guy contacted me via a UK based forum but he is in the US, he is lovely and is good to talk to for someone who has been to rock bottom and climbed out the other side a better person. Take care all of you. P.
  2. Hello I will be stopping posting here for a while. It has been really useful to post my thoughts and ideas and to get cmometns and messages back from people, but I am really getting in to my SAA programme and my sponsor has suggested focussing just on that for the time being. What with seeing my therapist, attending 3 SAA meetings a week and working the SAA programme, it is all a bit too much. I'll be recording my journal still, but privately in a notebook (doing it as the day goes along). Perhaps I will return here. Thank you for reading, I hope you benefitted from it as much as I have. And thank you especially to those that were compelled to reach out to me and comment or mail. P.
  3. TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read blue card. Read Just for Today. Read text from Tools for Recovery Called and spoke with Brendan and Lloyd Attended SAA Swindon. Walked through first draft of my circles with Sponsor Steve. GRATITUDE LIST A reasonable sleep A good shower My wife still communicating with me Stimulating bit of work Fresh air Pleasant lunch Speaking with Brendan Speaking with Lloyd Good SAA meeting Nice hotel
  4. pdw123

    New and ashamed

    Are you able to get to any SAA meetings? They might be useful. On the main Paula Hall website you can post a request to be contacted by a therapist. Perhaps put something there but be honest about being unable to pay much. Some may be willing to come to an arrangement with you. Thinking about people that you are removing from your home (your life?), I wonder if it is worth thinking why you are doing this. Is it because you really don't want them in your life (which is fine) or is it because you are worried what they will do or think if you were to talk with them about yourself honestly? It is probably not a great idea to remove people base on how you think they might react. If you think you are going to lose people who you care about, why not reach out to them and talk to them then let them make their mind up whether you are worth keeping in their life? Keep coming here, keep writing
  5. So so tired. I think I need to take stock of things, busy is good, but not to the neglect of looking after myself. Felt low at the content of some of my wife’s email but so glad she is still communicating. I need to take stock of the concept that my sexual addiction and behaviours amount to abuse of her and my children. As usual my head is saying ‘no, no, no’. But if she feels abused, then it is abuse. Landlady already in bed by time I got back. She has taken down all the pictures in the lounge and removed glassware from the kitchen before she goes on holiday tomorrow. I will not see her again because I will have moved out when she returns; I will only see her to collect the deposit and overpaid rent. I have lined up to look at some new rooms to lodge at. I saw a mortgage adviser today to talk about possibility of getting a place for myself. It’s not impossible but will require either a big input from parents (not a conversation I look forward to) or taking equity from our own home (also not a conversation I relish with wife) That will have to do. Good night. Thank you for letting me ramble. P. TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Asked for a sober day, reviewed gratitude list, read 12 steps and 12 traditions Made call to Wayne; voicemail left with Sponsor Steve; took call from Julian Completed first draft of all 3 circles to discuss with Sponsor Steve tomorrow. Thanked for a sober day and read 2 pages of green book. GRATITUDE LIST A decent sleep An email from my wife A good workshop Scampi for lunch Wayne from SAA Giving some information that might help someone on support forum Jon the mortgage adviser Mystery shopping SAA meeting Crabbies Ginger IPA
  6. pdw123

    New and ashamed

    How are you getting on? P.
  7. Had a really big wobble today. The fact my landlady had asked me to leave felt unproportionally bad, especially when I take into account that there are a few things I don't really like about the house where I rent a room. I did what I could to get better. I looked for another room, I contacted advertisers of rooms, I went to look at a room. I also said to landlady I prefer to leave as early as possible. I don't want to be somewhere where I am not welcome. She was not happy, but I cannot influence that. Thankful for speaking with Dave today; I am so grateful for having numbers of SAA fellows. Saw my therapist. We ended up talking about a whole load of stuff that wasn't really on her 'to talk about' list. Spoke more about how me and my wife have never really spoken about really important things and how I feel that she (my wife) focuses on negative aspects which causes me to avoid talking. I was asked "why did you marry your wife?". It should be a really easy answer, but I stopped, I had nothing. Right now I know I love her, but why did I marry her in the first place? Expectations perhaps, someone had made themselves available to me? Also spoke about my bisexuality; about how I have no desire to emotionally attach with men and that my interests were basically like a porn hunt, desire to find someone to talk about fantasies with and that I treated men like female sex workers - no interest in anything emotional, just wanted to have sex and basically didn't care which gender. Therapist suggested that she thinks I am heterosexual because a bisexual person has loving and emotional connections with either gender. Now sat in a hotel a couple of hours away from home/lodging as there is a last minute early morning workshop to attend. Busy busy busy. Thank you for letting me ramble. TODAY'S ACTIVITIES Read the blue card, read Just for Today, read Tools for Recovery, read 12 steps and 12 traditions Spoke to Dave and James GRATITUDE LIST The blue card Tea spareroom.com Dave from SAA My sponsor Mum Looking for a new lodging - something I can influence Work colleagues Getting a hotel Driving
  8. Was a reasonable day but got back to my digs to find a tort letter from landlady saying she was giving me notice to move out because I was a couple of days late giving the rent. No reference to fact that first day of month was Easter weekend and I was away, nor the fact that she hadn't even seen me. Had she not insisted on cash I could have had a bank transfer already set up. Still, the house is not as clean as I first thought so I'm not worrying too much. I should find something okay, just could do without the faff. I suppose this stress and annoyance could be a trigger, but I've not acted out so that's one thing. TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list. Rang fellows: Jamie B (voicemail), Nick H (vmail), Richard. Took fellow’s calls: Ross. Read some pages from SAA green book. TODAY’S GRATITUDE LISTGRATITUDE LIST Funny audiobook Speaking with SAA fellows Jammie dodgers Email from Josh New SAA group Nice cup of tea New fellows phone numbers Visiting a new town Reading Staying sober Thanks you for letting me ramble
  9. Ok, it’s started, I’ve properly started with my 12 step SAA programme. Might be coincidence, but today has probably been my calmest day since hitting rock bottom 6 weeks and 6 days ago. One thing that I am starting to get an understanding of, is that I really don’t have any control or influence over the choices that my wife makes. I know that everything here is my fault, that I have caused it, but I don’t have any power over whether she lets me see the children, whether she lets me do some jobs at home such as mowing the grass, whether she gets support from anyone, whether she sorts her access to our joint bank account… nothing is what I have influence over. What I can do is sort my nonsense out. I can take steps to come to terms with my offence, I can take steps with SAA to recover from my selfish behaviours and commit to not doing them again, I can stay with therapy to find deep root causes and to manage some of the obsessions in my head. It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected. I suppose the only down side with feeling a bit buoyant is that I am bound to have a rubbish day at some point, but I hope I can ride it. I made calls to SAA fellows and took calls from SAA fellows today and it all really helps. Spoke to my new sponsor too – Steve. I think he will work me hard, but it really is all down to me. Had a lovely walk with Lily the dog this morning. Out for well over an hour and a half walking across park, fields, bridleway and footpath. She got muddy, wet and rolled in horse poop and needed one hell of a bath afterwards. But I loved it all! TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list. Rang fellows: Wayne (voicemail), Kevin, Ross (vmail). Took fellow’s calls: Alan, Simon. Took some time out whilst Dad played some tennis. Read some pages from SAA green book. TODAY’S GRATITUDE LIST Cup of tea in bed from Dad (ha ha – you can tell I’m English) Walking Lily the dog Still, clear, wonderful fresh air Bathing Lily the dog Talking through the first activities of my programme with my sponsor Fresh cooked brunch Speaking with Kevin Taking calls from Alan and Simon Making a mini plan to help Simon Steak Mum and Dad’s love Staying sober for today
  10. pdw123

    confused

    Hello confused.com I have asked myself the very same question. I will help people cross the road, carry bags for someone, give time at my volleyball club, be generous with my money to friends & family and generally be polite, courteous and 'nice'. But then there was all the acting out that escalated and escalated. It took away my time, my money and my morals and made me irritable and unpleasant to be around. Since my 'rock bottom' moment I have been professing to anyone that will listen that I am a good person that did something bad, that the deceit and lies were a shroud that covered over me - over the good man. My wife on the other hand has taken a view that I am an evil, selfish person, that should have stayed a bachelor to act out my sick fantasies, that I am rotten to the core and am not a good person. It hurts to read my wife writing that. It hurts to write it out again, maybe because there is truth to what she says. So, am I a good person with a dark shroud that covered me, or am I a bad person that had a mask showing to others? In reality I have no way of knowing right now. I asked about it with my therapist. Her take is that she has seen countless people just go through the motions when they are in my position; that I have tld her things that others wouldn't and have left myself emotionally bare to her; that she thinks I have an adddiction, that somewhere along the line my sexual obsession took a different road from what is normal and that we can overcome it. The best test for me is to think of the moments when I am at my most low, when I am at my most vulnerable, and what is my inner most response?: Who am I thinking of in a loving way? I think of my wife and my children and how much I deeply love the. I don't think of loving my compulsive behaviours. That tells me the answer - at my most inner core I am a good person because my response is to think of love, not a shameful acting out behaviour. Take it easy on yourself, you can get through the next few hours, and that's all you need to do in the immediate moment. P.
  11. pdw123

    New and ashamed

    Hello Enigmajacq Looking at your later post first, I think you're already winning, because you know you need to work on things. You recognise that you are hurting yourself. A lot of my excuses and justification to myself was also along the lines of 'not illegal', 'not really hurting anyone', 'its not as bad as doing x, y or z'. But over years things escalated to things that were illegal, I did hurt people, I did things that were bad. I hate the situation I'm in right now, but I am determined that it will make a better me out of the back of it. You've probably had a non-sober day in the past. Compare that to day. Last time, you probably didn't recognise it as a non-sober day, you didn't feel bad at your actions, you didn't come here and tell us all about it. You're already winning! Perhaps don't think about what to replace the addiction with, but replace where your triggers kick off. If you get bored easily, maybe keep a sudoko book with you. If you get angry easily, maybe look at starting basic mindfulness. if you get stressed, get your self a punch bag to use. As for you asking if I've been clean, I kept off PMO completely until I had completed my Inner Circle. This turned out to be really important for me in my short journey so far. My head has been telling me that anything I do (e.g. notice a pretty woman in the street) is terrible, I'm bad, so I may as well go an look at a load of porn. That was really exhausting. Doing the inner circle (really honestly) means I know what my definition of abstinence is about. Some things are a bit of an amber warning, but they will get more defined later. It might work for you. It will certainly give yo usomething to think about (link here for the SAA inner circle stuff - https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/) I didn't actually answer your question. My 'clean' means not doing things I now have on my inner circle. I've not done anything on my inner circle for 6 weeks and 5 days now My head has thrown involuntary images at me that could lead me into the those things, but once I've noticed them I have tried to steer clear e.g. by reading, quick bit of exercise, reciting serenity prayer to myself. Hope any of my ramble helps. Feel free to contact if you need to or want to. P.
  12. Bit of a mundane journal for today, I'm afraid. Now that I have a sponsor for SAA, I think logging a run-of-the-mill is going to become normal. I'm sure it will get supplemented by some other moments of high, low and in between. Woke with a start with Lily (the Cocker Spaniel) barking like a loon. I'm at my parents this weekend and have brought Lily over. My wife isn't coping too well with everything as I'm out of the house and so my parents are having Lily for a while. Took her out for a long walk. Really missed doing this, it is great to get some air in my lungs and just walk with her. Also took my camera (just a little compact today) and took some nice pics to much about with later. Before I went out, Mum said "Don't talk to any strange men". She has said this jokingly all my life. She then went "oh, sorry I didn't mean anything" and was rather embarrassed. Made me properly LOL though as she realised the different significance such a comment might now play. I'm sure comments like that won't play any part in recovery or lack thereof. Took the opportunity to call some SAA fellows towards the end of the walk, but all voicemails. Clearly Saturday morning is not the best tie to be making calls. I'll have to increase my list of numbers. Mum and Dad are season ticket holders at local football team (soccer, for any US readers I went with them today and oh my gosh what a dull game it was. So much so that I fell asleep as soon as we got back to their house. Annoying as it meant I missed a humdinger of a game on the TV. Was pleased to get a text from my Sister asking me for a drink. Met up with her and had a good chat about things going on - both with her as well as me. She said I seemed to be in a nice place (mentally) at the moment which feels about right. Apart from the depressive feeling I get first thing in the morning and when waves of emotions come over me, generally she is right. I've not felt like I've scowled in ages. As I said, mundane journal entry today. Thank you for letting me ramble. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GRATITUDE LIST Sat 7/4/18 Waking up Lily the dog Mum's amusing climb down after comment The woods near Mum & Dad The woodpecker Dogs running and playing together Pork pie Dad driving to football Michelle asking me for drink Attractive bar maid and no obsessing Listening ears of parents Read a little bit of SAA's 'Tools of Recovery' and 'The Porn Trap' Called Ross, Simon (not M), Nick H, Jamie B, Alan, Julian, Steve B - all voicemails Took call from Simon M Missed calls from Ross, Simon (not M), Steve B --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  13. I hate that my sex and porn addiction was a comfort blanket that was my way to deal with anger, grief, resentment, loneliness, boredom, stress etc etc. Keeping the compulsive behaviours away means that my brain is bombarding me with all those emotions. Dealing with the biggest one is like it is happening all over again. I am trying to look at it with the perspective that there is this 'higher power' and that by hitting absolute rock bottom means I will be able to deal with the issue properly. I saw the power of SAA yesterday. I was able to call someone who understands this disease and what it does to you. He had barely answered the phone before I was blubbing, but he understood and that strength gives me strength. One day I will give that strength to others. I got my first SAA chip. I have created my 'inner circle' behaviours and got a sponsor; I am starting this journey. My inner circle is a list of all my 'bat-shit crazy' behaviours that I commit never to do again. For me, these behaviours go far beyond PMO. These are things to which I lost my morals, my money, my dignity, my time. All of these things I could have used for happiness with my family but instead I was compelled to lose them by acting out. I'm thankful for others' input in response to what my therapist said about complete celibate style abstinence. My goals are not simply PMO, there is more to it. Abstaining PMO was right in the immediate aftermath, but for me things have now developed a bit. My reboot and nofap is to do with my inner circle and my goal is not to relapse and act them out again. As long as I am honest with my sponsor and myself about whether or not I relapse and act out any of those behaviours; that will be pure abstinence. Of course there has been my brain saying 'thats not really that bad, dont put that in the circle', but I am being focussed on what should and should not be in there and my brain can bog off. The other evening and yesterday morning my wife sent a couple of emails. She was so horrified for the first days and weeks about my illegal actions that she did not take on board the back catalogue of compulsive behaviours that took me across the line. She is now taking those on and is bitterly pained. Like a hurt animal she is kicking out and she knows me, she know the things to say that are painful to read and really get inside me. I drafted about 5 or 6 replies before calming down. Replying when upset or angry is not good. I told her I love her and that things are my fault, but that I am really and honestly making steps to recover and rebuild, and that I hope she will be some part of my life in the future to see me be a better person. This afternoon I am going back to the house when she is out. She knows this. She has asked me to collect the dog, who will be going to stay with my parents for a short while. I've only returned indoors once since the immediate aftermath of hitting rock bottom and I cried a lot. Perhaps I will this time too, but we will see. Thank you for letting me ramble.
  14. pdw123

    New and ashamed

    Hi, Well done on posting. Well done on admitting to yourself that you have an issue. You're not alone, there are people here who have done what you have, done different things and done nothing, but all are here for one reason or another. I did a list of all the things I have done and it was a bit shocking really. I'd never thought I was wasting so much time but there I was looking at the list and it wasn't great reading. I'm sure others will reply. But I would always now suggest trying SAA. I am 6 weeks and 3 days since I hit absolute rock bottom. If I hadn't had that rock bottom moment I'd still be denying the truth but I'm here and trying to be a better person and SAA is one thing that helps. P.
  15. A reasonably quick one; had a session with my therapist today. Got through SO much stuff when she asked how I was and how my week had been. It's no wonder I have been so exhausted. She said that everything in my head - it sounds tiring. She picked up on the fact that I had not masturbated at all since my day zero, and that in all honesty that doesn't sound very healthy. Almost every orgasm I have had over the last umpteen years has been based on an 'acting out' behaviour; something that is in my newly created inner circle of things I want never to do again. I said how I was worried that by masturbating I could easily end up doing the inner circle things again. She suggested to differentiate between masturbating and using porn. That masturbating is fine, and probably healthy, but to try without porn and even without thinking of pornography that I have watched. Instead, to imagine my wife, or a woman (or man) of my imagination and instead fantasise and imagine using my other senses - the smell of the person, the feeling of the person, the touch, the taste and the sound of them talking to me or calling my name. And, importantly, to only do this if I was motivated to just enjoy the action and not be reacting to a trigger. As she spoke about this, I felt really calm and relaxed, and the thought of doing this because I wanted simply to do it felt very gentle and loving. So different from the reaction of compulsively masturbating as a response to feeling lonely, angry, bored or stressed. I will keep a small notepad with me and record when I feel this triggers. I will record those and NOT act on them, but I will be gentle to myself and consider healthy action. Interested to hear other's thoughts on this. I am not abstaining completely from orgasms and I don't plan on ever being celibate, but therapist's suggestion feel okay. Thanks for letting me ramble.
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