Confused.com

I’m exactly the same Mak05

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I did give a more comprehensive account of where I’m at, in an earlier post. How are you and your partner coping?

4.30 am been awake since 2am. Trying to decide / figure out if I’m just not meant to be in a relationship or not, am I just someone with a sexual appiptite outside of the norm who should stay single and live tha5 life or if I’m really meant to be in a happy marriage and hav an addiction that I need to beat aaaaaggggghhhh

Well done, for avoiding the temptation. I’m having the same struggle you’re (a) or (b) person. I think I’m generally a good person but I lie and cheat for sexual thrills.

Where to even start, I have been a sex, porn, love addict probably starting about 12 years old, when games of dares on bus trips with a youth group were the norm. I then lost my virginity at 13yo so sex has always been a thrill for me. Home life was turbulent and I never really had any recognition so constantly seek approval from people. My work life has been in a military then emergency service environment which has given me 20 years of trauma. The age of the internet from my early 30’s opened up a whole new world of porn, adult dating sites, swinger sites, gay saunas. (I am not gay, but will have sex with men purely for the thrill) I have always been in relationships and have always cheated, I have hurt many women and moved on when the damage was done. I am now married to a fantastic woman who loves me, knows about my history and addiction, knows I have cheated on her time and time again but still wants to help me overcome this and have a normal happy life together. I had always promised myself as a child that I would be the father to my children, that my father wasn’t to me. (I don’t have any children of my own, but have a stepdaughter) I have always sought out relationships but still acted out for my thrills. I have always tried to analyze myself, I generally am a very honest person, I am helpful to others even total strangers but when it comes to sex, I lie, cheat and hurt people closest to me just for meaningless thrills. I have tried changing, I have tried abstaining, I have read numerous books on the subject of addiction, I have been to many counselors and paid out a fortune all to just go back to acting out. My confusion now is that I don’t know if that is just who I am, am I just someone with sexual tastes outside of the norm and should I just go and live that life, stop hurting my wife and anyone else in the future, forget about relationships. I do love and care very much for my wife and stepdaughter and I know I would miss them very much and regret it if I lost them. Even knowing that I still have my fantasies, desires and at times act out. Lately I am forced to confront my actions all the time, my wife monitors my phone, media and I hav to account for myself all the time. There is no let up from the turmoil going on in my head.

It sounds like the walking out point was just before he was going to tell his parents about his addiction, maybe that was just too much for him to handle at the moment