Florrie

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About Florrie

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  1. Florrie added a post in a topic Red flags   

    so sorry to hear all this - it sounds like your husband is still very much in denial to say the least! Perhaps from now on you need to focus on you and what you need and how best to achieve that - this might include thinking about whether you have a future together. I do hope things improve for you soon. 
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  2. Florrie added a post in a topic Telling grown up children about SA?   

    Cowslip - thank you for your insight. I, like you, felt that the children need not know about this, but various different literature talk about not 'covering up' and not keeping anymore secrets within the family, one book in particular had a whole chapter on telling children and made me feel we had made the wrong decision, and that my 'covering up' was a sign of co-dependant behaviour. It pleases me to know someone else made the same decision as me and that I am not necessarily doing the wrong thing. As you quite rightly say - we all keep things from our kids, as they do us, and this doesn't have to be any different, I guess. The whole thing has caused such confusion and I think I just looked to the 'experts' who write about it as having the 'right answers' in order to try and clear the mess that is my head. But of course, each story has its own context and it can't be a 'one size fits all scenario'. Thus, from now on maybe I will go with my first instincts and not get hung up on 'shoulds' and 'oughts'. After all, we all have to tread our own path in the end, in a way that is comfortable for us.
    It is also good to hear that 18 months down the road, things are looking brighter for you and your partner. This gives hope to us all here that things can get better
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  3. Florrie added a post in a topic Red flags   

    Hi, I have just read your post and feel for you. Have you tried couple therapy? It might be helpful in establishing clear boundaries and maybe draw up a accountability contract. It might also be helpful for you to off load some of you anger to see a counsellor on your own.  This is a really long and winding road isn’t it? I am six month down the road and still feel like I am on the big emotional roller coaster - just when I think things are stabilising, something else happens to push me back to anger.
    whatever you do, be kind to yourself and keep looking after your own needs first.
     
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  4. Florrie added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Telling grown up children about SA?
    Hi, I wonder if anybody has any experience to share about talking to grown up children about partner’s SA? I discovered my partners addiction last September, and to be honest I went into ‘crisis managment’ Mode. Found all the info I could, sought an appropriate councillor for him and he went to SAA. It was only after full disclosure in November that I went into shock and felt devastated by what I heard. I understand that this addiction predates me (we have been married for 26 years), and is not related to me in any way, but I am still finding it difficult to come to terms with all this. We have two children aged 25 and 22, neither live at home. So far they know nothing of what is going on (although they are not stupid and probably have some idea that something is amiss). What they have been told is that my partner was repeatedly sexually abused as a child and that he is in therapy to deal with resulting issues. However, since the new year I have been signed off from work with stress related issues. I am studying for a PhD and both children think I am off with stress relating to my studies. (THis makes sense as I had big difficulties with my supervisor and decided to complain and get somebody new - all of which happened in December ). We have been discussing telling them the truth, as it doesn’t feel right that I should be covering up for his addiction in this way. However, the thought of telling them and potentially shattering their good relationship with their father makes me feel physically sick. I worry particularly for my daughter who I think idolises her father, and she has just come out of therapy for anxiety, is about to move abroad for six months as part of her training at work and is just getting herself into a good place. Our son is at uni doing a Masters course and I don’t want to rock the boat for him either(although I believe he is in an emotionally stable place. So my question is, do we tell, when should we do it and how? Any advice/personal experience of this would be welcome. 
    Sorry for long winded post! 
    Thanks for reading
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