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E

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  1. E

    Overwhelmed

    Hi there. I'm so sorry you are finding out after such a long time. But you are certainly not a muppet! I am going through a similar thing right now and again, found out (having suspected for a long time) and confronted him a few months ago, but it didn't stop. Now i have discovered he carried on, got caught yet again, he has finally admitted there is a problem when 3 months ago, he used every excuse in the book including "well it was over between us anyway" or "I just dont believe in monogamy" etc. Ultimately one thing I know is sure: this is not my fault. This is not your fault either. Its my understanding, from all the research I have done into partners going through this, that there is nothing you can say or do to change the behaviours, ultimatums don't work and the only way this can move forward now is for him to accept his problem and actually do something about it, get some help as soon as possible. You can't force an addict to change, only they can decide. For your own part, you need to be selfish and either take yourself away for a while, or if not possible, ask him to. If neither of those are possible, at least focus on yourself now. Constantly checking on him, being anxious all the time can only serve to make things worse. For me, we are having a 3 month break whilst he gets some help. Its left me in a massive financial hole, but its better than living like I was, feeling isolated and constantly nervous. Some days it doesn't feel that way, but one day at a time. It might be an idea to seek some counselling for yourself. It really helps. Only you can decide what is right for you and your future. But it takes some time to figure that out and what your boundaries are going forward. E
  2. E

    E

    Thanks for your response. That is likely very true and as time goes on I recognise that its not about intentionally hurting someone. But I think even when the problem is recognised and acknowledged, spoken about at length with a compassion plucked from the depths of love and care for the person with the problem, despite the pain involved, its so hard to then be shouted at, called malicious, called stupid etc just because there is now a label attached to it, which seems to serve as an excuse to carry on that behaviour. I guess there is no controlling it or stopping it, just because it has been spoken about out loud. I was naive to think it would suddenly would make any significant difference! Baby steps, one step at a time but hopefully a step in the right direction, at least.
  3. E

    E

    I am currently struggling between the idea that my partner has a level of sex addiction, versus a feeling that he is just having his cake and eating it. He is unable to communicate his feelings much of the time and I am left with a sense of despair and feel it is time I talked to someone outside of our relationship about what all this means. He has to some extent acknowledged the problem, but seems hellbent on sabotaging any help he has so far sought (CBT course, counselling). Each time he starts to seek help, he will at the same time further the behaviour he is seeking to get help for! And around we go. I am feeling increasingly isolated and unable to separate out those feelings of inadequacy that his constant cheating gives me from a non-emotionally driven reaction and understanding. How can one be sure that someone is an addict and not just someone selfish and lacking in thought for others?!
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