Hi everyone . Reading all your stories it's amazing how similar we all feel. I am also 18 months on and still feel so alone. My husband also went through the denial and blame stage when I discovered. This lasted for about 6 months until he finally broke down and agreed that it was an addiction and yes all the promises followed, it will never happen again, I will do everything I can to make this better, ect. I have read so much just trying to understand and I asked my husband to read Recovery Nation. Yes he started but then came to a point where he was reading about being selfish and imature and got angry saying that this was not him and he always put me first , that was the end of that. He has said he will continue reading but this is about 3 weeks later. I have eventually been to my GP because I have tried and tried but can't seem to shake this cloud, hurt, blame, no trust, questioning everything ect. Now I am coping a little better and I am calmer. Even tough my husband hasn't watched porn in over a year (yes I am happy for him) how do I know that he won't again as he hasn't and won't speak to anyone about this. He tells me that I have to believe and trust him but that's easier said than done when you have been deceived for 20 years. I really do hope that we can all get through this and be even stronger. Wish you all the best xxx
Thank you Cowslip , real words of inspiration. You sound like a very strong woman. I have visited my GP and told him (in so many words )how I was feeling because my husband has made bad choice and has affected our marriage. Neither of us actually said the words but I knew that he understood, he advised antidepressants so that I could let my mind relax for a while and I could look at things clearly. I agreed and have been taking them since I last posted. I have to say I am calmer and I am seeing things more clear. I believe now that yes this had nothing to do with me and was not my fault and the biggest thing for me now is I believe I can't cure this...... I have no intention of staying on antidepressants but for now they are keeping me sane. I really hope things work out for you and your husband and you can be happy again. Thank you again for your inspiring words, they mean a lot xxx
Hi Cowslip, After reading your post I decided to talk to my husband about the behaviour and not so much the game. I told him that I felt he was compensating and playing the game at all the same times that he used to watch porn and how it had become the first thing he done in the morning. He immediately went and got rid of it from his phone saying that if it was making me feel that way that he would stop but he didn't see it the same way I did. I really appreciate him doing this but still I believe he is doing everything for me and not for himself. The weekend was good and again I kept my emotions on track until Sunday, beautiful sunshine and again thoughts start creeping back.... what about the summer, beautiful women out and who is he going to be looking at..... mind starts racing again.....I feel I'm going crazy Some days I feel I will do anything for our marriage to work, that he is doing everything possible to save our marriage but then Bang .......he goes to work and I wonder who he is checking out or where his thoughts are at. I know I have read I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it and I keep telling myself this, that no matter how much I worry I still can't change anything . It has now been nearly 2 years since my gut feeling and a year this month since I found out the true extent. I am still feeling all of the hurt, loss of trust, not believing, not good enough ect ect ect.......will it ever stop. Heartbroken
Hi Cowslip , thank you for your response. Even reading my post back it sounds so silly..... it's just a game. I definitely agree with the hyper-vigilance, I hate even going for a walk now because I am so concious of every woman, wondering if he would be attracted to them . Yes my husband would have an addictive behaviour (if that's what it's called). On line gaming was a big one years ago but he realised after we spoke about sharing household responsibility just how much he wasn't responsible for as he was always gaming, this changed and he began helping out a lot more and as of today he things are always shared without having to think about it . My husband's father and brother were both addicted to alcohol so my husband (after seeing the damage it caused to their families ) said he would never bring that hurt into our family so there was never alcohol in our house. We would have a drink rearly Christmas ect. So yes I wonder if porn was his way of handling life as they had used alcohol. Can I ask how you feel now Cowslip when you see your husband on line, does it not bring everything back, how do you trust him again????? Since last Sunday I have been working so hard on not acting out on my emotions and to bring myself back to my values and morals . This has led to very few arguments, less nasty comments, better atmosphere for my children ect. I hope this will continue as it makes each day easier to get through. some days I still can't bare to look at him but have realised that I was treating him very badly and saying things that I knew were upsetting and hurtful to him. Now I am concentrating on being me again, the person I was who would never say things so hurtful and who trusted and had a lot of love. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He is trying so hard to do everything right and I do appreciate this but at the moment I feel I can never love him again the way I used to because now I know that was a different person. I hope you and your partner are doing well now and respect to you for being so strong and understanding xxxx
Hi everyone, I'm back again looking for some advice. I have written other posts explaing my situation. Since the discovery of my husband's porn use he got rid of all internet connection including his phone. Within the last month he has returned to his old phone which he has access to internet again but we discussed it before hand and now we share the same accounts. The pattern for my husband's porn use was early mornings, every shower and about 20 mins after I left for work each day. So hear is my question. ...he has downloaded a game that doesn't need to be played all the time but just keep an eye on how the city progress. I know this sounds inocent but I notice that it's the first thing he does when he opens his eyes in the morning before he even gets out of bed and the last thing at night, also maybe twice a day but only when he uses the bathroom. My concern is now that his addictive behaviour is back but I am so questioning myself because it's just a game. I am finding it very hard to trust him again and am very paronid. If anyone has any thoughts on this I would really appreciate it. Is it something I should be concerned about are am I just being overly worried? Thanks xxxx
Hi Pj Thank you so much for your reply, I can't say enough how much it means to hear from someone who has been through this and is winning , lots of respect to you. I left my job in 2015 and according to his history he didn't look at any porn for 6 months but then it came back in June again daily. Then in 2016 again nothing until I discovered in the middle of that year. Again before 2015 it was daily for around 18 years. This is so confusing for me because I read so much of husband's who realise what they are doing and feel the guilt and shame then make that concious dissision to stop but my husband says this never happened. Since then I really do believe that he hasn't looked at any porn and is extremely aware when something comes on TV that he knows we are not comfortable with he will switch channel. I think I was probably wrong in my initial reaction. ....first anger, disbelief, overwhelming sadness ect then back to anger, due to this I swore he would never need porn again and had sex every opportunity we had. Then one day everything changed, I felt that when I was with him he was thinking about what he had seen and of course this changed everything again. He tells me that he can't remember any of the videos he watched and he doesn't know why, weather he has just blocked it out or because it meant absolutely nothing to him. This is hard to believe as when we are together I still see their faces and what they were doing ect ( as I was able to trace most of the videos watched in his history ) I suppose I think our marriage is now failing because I can't forget or forgive, i have to say he is doing everything he can. I guess I'm so afraid to give everything I have to him again. I really respect everyone here who can give their partner lots of love and support and also the partners for their honesty. Sorry for the rant.
Hi Rob, I've read the advise you gave to g21. I would be in a similar situation as in my husband and I can talk about what happened ( when we are not arguing about it ) but he can't give me any answers. He was watching porn and mastrubating for 20 years on a daily basis but before I discovered this he hadn't watched it for about 6 months. He said that it wasn't a concious decision to stop but maybe age and he didn't need it anymore was the reason ( he doesn't really know ). Because of this he says that it wasn't an addiction he has but just something he started doing that became an issue and now he is totally disgusted with his behaviour. When I ask him if he ever thought about how I would feel if I found out or did he ever think this is wrong and I need to stop he says no because he never thought he was doing anything wrong but he can see that now. Can I ask your opinion if you think it was an addiction or can I really believe that it's something he can just forget about and can you shed any light on why he never felt the need to look at or stop his behaviour. I know everyone situation is different and I am at a place where I can say that this was a behaviour and not my husband but I still can't understand why he never thought of me ( am I being selfish ? ) I suppose I have so many questions and I'm so confused that I just don't know what to believe anymore . Would appreciate your thoughts xxx
Hi Paula, I have made a few posts on this forum and find them very helpful but would really appreciate your advice . I found out in 2016 that my husband was watching porn to help him masterbate. I was absolutely shocked, of course the usual questions why? When? Where?why? Why? Why? Why? He told me I was making a huge deal from something that all men do, that I wasn't there for him, that I was working nights, that I was making him out to be seedy man who was on it all the time ect ect. After hearing all of this I felt he was lying to cover up so yes I started looking at his Web history. It took months as I wasn't very computer savey at the time. It was in march 2017 that I found out the extent of his porn addiction??????? It went back 20 years (married 22 years). I can't even explain the pain......I went to him with this and of course there was denying, blaming, it must have been someone else using his account ect. Eventually he admitted and accepted and said he didn't realise it had become such an issue. He ended up coming out of work because he was so depressed and disgusted with his behaviour and who much it had traumatised me. He deactivated all of his accounts and we set up a joint email ( all his idea ). He promised that this would never happen again and he couldn't express enough how sorry he was. Following this I found myself catching him looking at more women than he ever did, I did some more reading on this and found that he was still looking for that dopamine rush. We spoke about this and he became aware of what he was doing and how it was so upsetting for me. I know that I can start telling you about all my insecurity, trust, believe issue's and that every day is still a struggle and do I stay and try to save my marriage or am I being a fool to ever believe him again. He will not go to speak to anyone as he is so embarrassed but he did start reading a recovery help site (because I asked him to?). He was doing well with it but has come to the point now where he is reading about making imature decision,being selfish ect and has got very angry saying that this is not him and he feels that it wasn't an addiction as he was able to stop with no problem. He is doing everything he can to try and make our marriage work I know but sometimes I think it's my fault now for where we are as the pain is just so much to deal with, some days I can't even look him in the eye and it takes everything I have to speak to him with any bit of respect. It breaks my heart to see him so crushed by this but will I ever be able to trust him again and love him the way I used to. Broken hearted.......
Rob and Cowslip thank you so much for your replies. The night before last (as usual) we end up arguing when the kids went to sleep. We both agreed that we couldn't keep this up and I told him that I felt I could not talk to him about it anymore as he was not letting me in. I told him I needed him to go and speak to someone for his sake and try to figure out why. This is when he opened up to me...... I always knew that his childhood wasn't the best but had no idea about what he told me next. For obvious reasons I won't go into that. After spending hours talking he told me that he never wanted to disrespect me sexualy and put pressure on me to be with him as he had seen so he started watching porn and mastrubating and thought this was a solution. He agreed that it evolved from there and became his addiction. One thing I can't get my head around is how he never thought he was doing anything wrong. I have so many questions going around my head just trying to understand but he says he doesn't have answers. Cowslip, he is actually back to his original phone now which has access but we share all accounts. This was my suggestion as i know that i cant control this,its up to him. He told me that he is completely aware now and that he will not let addiction control him. He asked me on a date Friday night..... Rob I think you are so brave and strong to be here and help others.
Also Rob I do fear that he could return to porn because he is feeling so low and to be honest I am not doing anything to help this. I know I can be very cold to him but can't help it, it's either be cold or say things I will regret. After he stopped watching porn I noticed that he was checking out a lot more women than before. I think I found the answer to this on Your brain on porn. It told me that his brain was still seeking for the image that gave him that good feeling. Now we can't even go outside as it turns my stomach when I see him do this and he says he is afraid to look right or left. I know I am probably ranting now. Thanks for your response and to be honest I could really do with any advice you can give xxx
Hi Rob and Cowslip. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am actually in tears right now because it's the first time I have spoken to anyone about this, and to get a response from people who understand. I agree with almost everything you have said. I am afraid that I have made my husband out to be a bad guy when really he is a genuinely sweet person. In all our years he would always put me first and treated me like a princess, only for this you could say we were the perfect couple. I know how truly devestated he is by this but he won't go and speak to anyone because he's feels they will tear him to pieces and he has already done that to himself. It's my fear that he thinks it's all over with now because he can see the damage it's caused and he said even the thought of it discust him now, but again how do I know he is telling me the truth. I do love him to bits and I know he loves me too but some days it takes all the energy I have even just to look at him not alone speak to him. Do any of you think it could be possible that he is truly sorry and he is over this?
I have just read through all of your stories and my heart is breaking. I found out a year and a half ago that my husband had a porn addiction. We have been together for 27 years, since I was 13 and yes he is my one and only love. At first it was complete denial from his side telling me that I wasn't there for him, that I worked nights and it was no big deal that most men done it. I was absolutely devastated. I knew in my heart there was more to this and he wasn't being honest so i started going through his laptop and account history. What I found absolutely broke my heart. It wasn't now and again as he had told me, it was every day. I went back as far as 2012 and I just couldn't take any more.I watched video after video and found a file of images also. I can't even put into words how I felt. The killing factor was that he had told me in an argument on night that he only done it whenever I turned him down which made me feel so guilty and it was my fault but after discovering the extent of him watching porn plus I was able to find dates and times I knew this was another lie. Denial and lies. I approached him and told him what I had discovered. I think this was a wake up call for him. He started to admit and take accountability. He ended up coming out of work for 2 months with depression . He deactivated his accounts and changed his phone so he had no access to Internet and said he has done this for me. I see how destroyed and guilty he feels every day. He has lost weight and it has affected his health. I do know that he loves me but I can't seam to believe anything he says or trust him. He has told me he has had suicidal thoughts because he could never live without me and it is making him so depressed to look at me everyday and see how hurt I am. I read how some of the men here are afraid to tell their wife's and they feel so bad but only 2 nights ago I asked him did he ever think about how I would feel if I knew or if he ever thought of telling me and he said no because it ment nothing to him and he didn't think at the time he was doing anything wrong. I know that this may sound strange but I actually wish he did think of me in the 20 years, it breaks my heart. Like a lot of people I have not spoken to anyone about this so finding this forum has helped greatly. My heart goes out to everyone here xxxx
Hi everyone , This is my first post here as a wife who found out in 2016 about my husband's porn addiction. After reading your post I just have to say that it was the secrecy, lies and denial that hurt me the most. After 27 years together I felt that I didn't know the man standing in front of me. My advice is to tell your partner and hopefully ye can both work through it together. I do hope things work out for you. It is a year and a half later and I still can't get over the pain and it is killing both my husband and I and our marriage. I really want to post my story here but still can't bring myself to tell. All the best xxx