So, so sad. I’ve let my ex down. I couldn’t be there to support him. I just couldn’t. I had to put myself and my children (not his) first. I think of him regularly, whether he is in recovery or not. Our last messages, he said he wants to get better through SAA and that he hopes we can reconcile in the future. It broke my heart to ask him to stop messaging me. I know I’m not strong enough for that life. But I’ll always feel like I’ve let him down.
My heart breaks for you. You are not naive and it’s nothing to do with your age. I’m 46 and have recently left my SA partner. The pain of being without them is unbearable but it does get easier. I know what’s right for me. Weigh up a future with him against a future without him maybe. He needs to take his addiction more seriously than everything. And you need to think of yourself, I’m not saying not to think of him, I know it’s heartbreaking watching someone you love struggle with their addiction and who they are, but you have to put yourself first. Thinking of you and I’m so sorry you need to be here xxx Vicky.
Prue, I have joined the Facebook page recommended by Hanna (☺️) and it is such a wonderful support network. It has put me in touch with some wonderful ladies and we share and support each other. It’s been invaluable to me. xxx
PJ, I think your posts are wonderful. You have empathy in abundance and have such a good soul. Your words are so good for people on here, from both sides. Keep it up, recognise and celebrate just how good you are and well you are doing. All the very best to you and your wife.
Oh Vava, My partner also formed at least one relationship with another woman, I saw a Text where she felt that she’d been used. Yes, it’s more heartbreaking to me than the porn, sexts, hook ups with men. I’ve pondered over this a lot and that’s fuel for me sticking to my decision. We, all of us, have been betrayed so absolutely! 💔
Hi Vava and Janey, Oh gosh. What a mess. At this moment in time I’m managing to remain strong and keep to my decision. I’m expecting a shift in this feeling because I’m no longer feeling angry, I’m feeling quite disconnected. I’m scared of what my emotions are going to do next. Unlike the two of you, I have no contact with him now. My choice, but I’m constantly thinking of him still. I honestly don’t know what he’s really going through or if he’s taking this as serious as necessary for a proper recovery. I’m in the dark. But I chose to be and it’s easier for me that way. I tried to remain in contact but that was something that felt so, so destructive to me. I’m very scared of being in contact for this very reason. He had his hooks in me so deeply and I can’t put myself through that again. This feeling I have at the moment feels complacent, detached, even good, but I’m worried that it’s temporary. I so hope it’s not. Vava, I think you need to realise whether or not your husband is committed. I also think you need to seek counselling to work out what it is you feel you can cope with in your future. x
Hi, Ive decided to not stay with my partner. Although the pain has been unbearable at my loss, I too feel a weight has been lifted. I no longer have to be scared, anxious and suspicious. Its not a loss actually, because what I thought we had was just a lie anyway. I have freedom, as scary as it is and I’m sad that I may never find the love of my life after all, not to mention falling for the wrong man again or not being able to trust the right man. I know however, that my decision is the right one for me and my children.
Hello Prue, What a heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Im guessing his anger is directed towards you because he loves you, but really he is angry at himself. He’s ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with how he is and it sounds like he is heading towards rock bottom. I truly believe that he needs to reach rock bottom before he can fully address his issues. When that happens, I’m sure he will feel truly alone. This is when he will need you.
PJ, Thank you for such a candid answer. Thank you! I can feel my ex partner’s pain and suffering through your words. You have described him totally. I feel your pain too and I hurt for you too. You are one brave soul and your wife is another. I wish you all the strength you can both muster on your journey together and am hopeful that your collective strength grows and grows. You deserve this. With respect, Vicky.
Hello PJ, Could you tell me, if you can, how you understand you could do this to your wife, potentially ruining the best thing that has ever happened to you? This is only so I can hear it from an addicts perspective. I greatly respect you for being so honest with your wife and people on here, and I hope that you remain in recovery. Yours is such an inspiring story. My ex partner has said that he never wanted to hurt me, never wanted to ruin the best thing in his life, but couldn’t stop himself. I know that I need to move on, but I’m hoping your answer can help me to realise that it wasn’t about me. I’m so hurt and am struggling with self esteem. Many thanks, Vicky.
I can’t stop crying, the pain is overwhelming. I love him so much and wish that he didn’t have this illness. I miss him and want him right now. I want his arms around me, to feel him, to smell him. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I just want my soulmate. 😞