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WW

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  1. WW

    Hate

    Thank you. I have often thought about the Truth and Reconciliation process in S Africa and wondered in awe at their ability to forgive. I have forgiven him more times than I can remember but the last time was unforgivable. He agrees that it was unforgivable given all that had gone before. Part of the problem is that I would never have hurt him like that. I would have sought help if I was hurting my spouse so much. He admits he loved porn more than my happiness. He loved porn more than me or his family. He now agrees that the issue is not about porn but about honesty. None of us can have everything we want. We have to make choices. If he wanted porn, he should have been honest and taken the consequences. At last, 2 years after his last relapse, we are getting somewhere. There are no more excuses from him. Porn addiction does not mean you cheat. Porn addiction does not mean you lie repeatedly. Maybe if he continues to face the truth, I will hate him less. BTW, I spent the first one and the half year after his last relapse pleading, cajoling, supporting him to seek help. Finally, he has sought help. Now, my feelings have come to the fore. It seems as though at last I can look after myself and it is now my turn to work through my emotions. I am not dealing with his addiction any more. I have to deal with my conflicting emotions.
  2. WW

    Struggling to trust again

    Dear Judith, I know how you feel. It is exhausting being vigilant all the time. The mistrust and hurt leads to anger. All these negative emotions take the joy out of the relationship. I am in the same place and don't know how to get better.
  3. WW

    Is there hope?

    Dear Rosie, my husband refused to see a therapist for a long time because he did not think they could help. (ego issues) He did work through the reams and reams of material on Recovery Nation which he found helpful. It is free. Google it. FYI, we went to Relate and they said he had to be treated before they could do couple work. I wish you all the best.
  4. WW

    Justifications

    Dear Hopefloats, I think you have to ask yourself if you want to be married to a man who will ALWAYS be drawn to porn. He sounds as though he is quite IT proficient and thus no monitoring apps are going to work. The only way you can be together is if you accept that porn will always be part of your life. Even if he gets help, he will always be tempted and you can never trust him. I speak as a wife who has been married to a porn addict for 33 years. Years of despair and lies.....
  5. WW

    Hate

    Like so many spouses, I have had a roller coaster ride with my husband. He has been a porn addict for most of our 33 year marriage. He has hurt me more than I can bear. I became depressed and am still on anti-depressants. To cut a long story short, after much rowing, he finally sought help. But I don't want to talk about him. I want to talk about how I feel. I am no longer depressed but I am not happy. I hate my husband for hurting me repeatedly, for making false promises, for ignoring me because he thought he would be better off on his own with free access to porn. At the same time, I still love him because in most other areas, he is my friend. But my hurt and hate dominate and the only way I can get free of it is to be indifferent to him. I tell myself "I don't care." and it makes me feel better. I do realise that this is not a good way for a marriage to continue. I read that indifference is the real killer in a relationship. I have a lovely family. I want this lovely family to continue. But I don't know how to make my marriage better. We went to Relate, but they said they could not work with us until he had been treated for his porn addiction. I went to see 2 counselors to help with my conflicting emotions and although they were very nice and empathic, I did not find it useful. Both of them suggested that I leave my husband. The question is How do I stop hating my husband? How do I stop the Indifference?
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