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Judith

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  1. Judith

    Struggling to trust again

    Alys- I completely agree. The whole #metoo movement is very timely. I think all the images and internet bullshit about image and sexuality is ruining us all. I still find myself having odd conversations with my husband. His mind and his thinking has been altered in ways he doesn’t fully understand yet. The whole sexbot debate was raised recently in an article written after that ‘incel’ rage related terrorist incident in Canada. Some fool journalist was arguing that everyone deserves the right to have sex. (Not sure I agree with that) and that sexbots provided the answer to avoid incidents like this from happening again. Which is of course- nonsense. That was not a ‘redistribution of sex’ issue, clearly it was a mental health issue. This was the article. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/02/opinion/incels-sex-robots-redistribution.html my immidate reaction to this was not oh yes, sexbots that will make all men happy. Conversely- my husband thought it was a great idea- allowing all men the opportunity to have sex. He didn’t see the issues at all. He reacted as he was his old self- like he would have liked that. Not like - that kind of behaviour is wrong, passive, disassociating and plain frightening. Which of course frightened me as I thought I’m just trying to muzzle the beast. What’s the point- I might as well give up?? I think the idea of sexbots is so desperately wrong, let’s let people loose on robots, what could possibly go wrong? Practising their worst and most wild and strange fantasies out on a robot- that will work well for relationships and the safety of women. Let’s dehumanise women/men some more. That will really help. He hadn’t seen that way. At all. We are still working on things- him on the long reaching ever decreasing circles of his SA. Me on feeling happy, healthy and confident in myself. Alys- the fact that you are here, talking and thinking about these things, is a success story. It’s not easy to put yourself out there and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Recovery for everyone is different. Success doesn’t automatically mean your relationship survived. It’s that you and your partner did. In whatever way that ends up. Xxx
  2. Judith

    Struggling to trust again

    Hello GH!!! I think it sounds great that he’s willing to engage in getting help. All too often therapy is frowned upon and people feel they couldn’t deal with talking about their feelings. I heartily recommend finding a therapist who is a specialist in SA. You can find private therapists through online listings for counsellors. We used a therapist for his SA, and she was a couples counsellor, I also saw her for my own recovery. I hope you have found some support and things are moving on positively. Xxx
  3. Judith

    Struggling to trust again

    Hello GH!!! I think it sounds great that he’s willing to engage in getting help. All too often therapy is frowned upon and people feel they couldn’t deal with talking about their feelings. I heartily recommend finding a therapist who is a specialist in SA. You can find private therapists through online listings for counsellors. We used a therapist for his SA, and she was a couples counsellor, I also saw her for my own recovery. I hope you have found some support and things are moving on positively. Xxx
  4. Judith

    Struggling to trust again

    I think the posts that have been added are amazing and I’m so pleased people shared their stories about their own recovery. It’s helped me to share this with people who understand. I am working on myself and my own self esteem. Exercising, loosing weight, putting the time into making the best of myself, feeling confident . I do feel differently since new year- I am hoping every new year won’t feel the same as this year. The build up to the big events are always harder than the actual event. Things are largely better with my husband- we try to talk things through every month so I don’t have to feel like I’m checking up on him and it gives us a chance to check in with how I am feeling and how he is feeling. I’m still so proud of how much he has engaged in therapy and moved forward with changing his life, even if this pride is tinged with worry that he’ll throw everything away and ruin our life but I can’t do anything to change the course of his choices. They are for him to make not me. All I can do is concentrate on myself and try to trust him again. Good luck with your recoveries and relationships ladies. Xxx
  5. Judith

    Struggling to trust again

    Wow. Thanks Worthyhope- that’s really helped put things in perspective for me. I do need to focus on my recovery, on me. I’m going to try to remember that when I’m angry and disillusioned. Forgiveness is somethinng I give myself not him. Powerful stuff. Thank you.
  6. Judith

    Struggling to trust again

    WW- it's nice to hear someone else feels the same. It's a lonely business working on your relationship and trying to put things right and help someone in recovery. Talking about it with him makes it worse as this makes him feel bad. We had a big talk a couple of nights ago and have agreed that this year we will schedule a monthly chat to discuss how things are going. For his recovery and for me to move forward. But also to air the other irritations which seem harder to ignore since he revealed his secret. Good luck with your relationship- I hope things improve for you and also for me this year. I don't believe it has to be the end of a relationship but all relationships require a lot of work to sustain them. I hope I'm right.
  7. Hello Last New Year's Day (2017) I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had always had this issue. I found out because I was putting washing away in his cupboard and he had bought some used ladies knickers, which included a photo of the woman. Its fair to say the bottom dropped out of my world, my daughter (second child) was 10 months old and my son was 4. I had just returned to work. It was a dreadful and stressful time. My husband had just started a new job. I can see how this was all a contributing factor. We started marriage counselling, I saw a counsellor and he saw a counsellor about his issues. He completely engaged in the process. She told me she had never seen anyone engage as well in treatment. He knows and understands his triggers, he has lapsed a couple of times and we have dealt with it by adding restrictions to his phone. He did tell me about the time he lapsed. It sets me back in how I am coping with the problem. I know he loves me and that he's in recovery, we have a great relationship on the whole, make each other laugh, enjoy each other's company, still enjoy our sex life (after some work) but I have so much anger. Particularly in the run up to the anniversary of finding out. Which if I'm honest has ruined Christmas and new year. I worry that I'll never fully trust him again. He kissed a woman at his work do before we were married, I am not sure I ever forgave him. But it was under similar circumstances, after his work do, when he was drunk. He has only had one relationship, with me. I was his first and I think he has disappointment that he never had his chance to sow wild oats. He says not, but I think a lot of this is to do with this issue. I understand that addiction is complex rooted in all sorts of family relationship issues. i think it's a little bit about his lack of experience too. Particularly given his preferences. What worries me is that, how can he ever really be happy with me. How will I ever be enough? How do I really work through this? Will it ever go away? The boundaries are set and he knows that another serious issue would be the end for us. But I don't know if I could ever go through with it, he's a wonderful father, I have come from a divorced family and I so did not want that for myself or my children. The waiting...the waiting for the next mistake is killing me and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I am not sleeping, I am angry a lot, with him and it has affected all my relationships. My ability to trust people has also been affected. There are times when it is easier, but I feel like Christmas and the run up to the new year will always be like this. Thanks for reading
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