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Eliza

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  1. Kat, I know it's a few months on but I haven't been on this forum for a while. Came on and saw your post and my heart went out to you, what a horrible way to find out :( I just wanted to ask how things are and let you know that I'm here if you'd like to talk or need any support. The thing that stood out for me was regarding his behaviour of being apologetic one minute and then blaming you the next - that is classic addict behaviour, deflecting the blame onto others. When my husband was in the thick of it (as I know now), he lied to me about something and then when I didn't believe him we would have a huge argument and he would make out like I was awful and give me a massive guilt trip. Then all of a sudden would be saying he forgives me. They will do anything in order to not face what they have done. I really hope that you and your children are ok. It's a difficult situation to be in, but even more so when there are young children involved. I found out when my daughter was 1 and a half, she is just over 2 now and I am still with my husband - but only because he, like PJ said, hit rock bottom, admitted everything (eventually!) and started going to a 12 step group. And I can see the changes in him. But it's going to be a long road before I trust him again, and I still can't say for certain what the future holds. Hang in there xxx
  2. Hannah, in response to your question, a really useful exercise for you would be to write a list... things you already know, things you NEED to know and things you WANT to know. Things you need to know are things which will help you understand the level of his acting out, help you have closure and move on. Things you want to know are things that you may feel you want the answers to... But the answers may actually hurt you more and be damaging to your own recovery - examples of this would be things like intricate details of the acting out, places he went... As Rob said above, intricate details like this may cause additional triggers for you in the future that you do not want. I've been speaking to quite a few partners and I know a few that say they know some details that they really wish they didn't know. I think what a partner needs or wants to know will be different for every individual - and that's why it helps to have it mediated by a therapist and be clear before disclosure exactly what questions you want to ask and exactly what you want to know. And I think the addict should be clear on this too, and be open and transparent to whatever extent you need them to be, if that makes sense. I am only 4 months post D-Day, we haven't had a proper 'disclosure' with a therapist yet but I have been to the Paula Hall partner support group and we did the above exercise and I found it really useful. Will be revisiting it again in the future when we do disclosure - he's said I know everything now, but I would still like to formalize the process and feel I have asked everytbing I need to. I hope that helps. Massive hugs to you xxx
  3. Eliza

    Red flags

    Realitycheck, I am so sorry to hear this. As Florrie said, it sounds like he is still in denial, as much as I hate to say it. I recently did the Paula Hall partner course and one of the things we talked about was how can you actually know your partner is in recovery, when you can't trust a word they say? Essentially, they can't just say they're in recovery. It's their actions which must reassure us and show us that they are in recovery - and that means being accountable, transparent, trying their best to not get defensive, attending therapy and/or 12 step meetings, if they have a particularly stressful or difficult time showing or telling us how they're dealing with it, being understanding and empathetic as to why we might find it hard to trust them or get angry or upset. When my husband gets angry with me or defensive it immediately gets my back up and my suspicions racing, because that's exactly how he acted when he was acting out (I know that now, looking back). It's happened a few times since D-Day and we've had a few big arguments, but afterwards he has calmed down and admitted that I was right to be upset and he shouldn't have got angry. I'm not saying he - or we - are perfect. We are only 4 months in and I'm under no illusion that this is going to be an easy road, but what I know is that the most reassuring thing in his recovery, for me, is his commitment to a 12 step group (he goes every week, has a sponsor, is on step 4 and has volunteered to be secretary) and the real changes I can see in his behaviour - not just with regards to our relationship but also how he is taking on board things like sharing the housework, doing more family stuff together etc. He lets me open his post if I want to, look at his bank statements, I have Qustodio on his phone and laptop (so I can see what websites he's been on etc). For the most part he doesn't argue back when I get suspicious or ask him questions. Of course we have blips!!! But it's encouraging so far. Don't doubt yourself. Be kind to yourself. Know that your anger and hurt are COMPLETELY normal for someone in your situation and he should be understanding of that, not blaming you. Big hugs. Really hope things improve for you soon xxx
  4. Eliza

    Will things get better?

    Firstly, Rena, I'm so sorry you have gone through this. It is so devastating. I realise the last post on this was over a month ago, but I found this really interesting when you mentioned morality Rena, as it is one of the things I have really struggled to get a grip on with my husband's SA. He has always (so I thought) had such high moral standards, the last thing he'd want to do is hurt me, he spoke with disgust about one of my exes who cheated on me, we would hear about other people's flirtations/affairs and be shocked, he was such a 'gentleman', stuck up for me, defended me. Always said that if anyone ever hurt me he would destroy them, because he couldn't bear to see me hurt. Just had such a high moral code. And then I found out everything (multiple forms of cheating - sexting, adult dating websites, flirting/sleeping with exes and a couple of other girls we know, sleeping with prostitutes, pornography, web cams, sex chat rooms - & meeting up/sleeping with some of the girls from there). I mean... he's done absolutely everything, he's cheated on me and betrayed me in the worst possible ways. I cannot even conceive of this man doing those things, saying those things to those girls. And I think back to how much on his high horse he was about things like my ex cheating on me... and just feel sick. It doesn't make sense. He tells me he still has those values, that it's the man he "wants to be".. but now I know he is capable of all that other stuff, it's just incredibly, incredibly hard. PJ, your response has helped me understand it a little bit better, I think. Thank you for writing it. If anyone else can shed any light on the matter, I would be really interested to hear it.
  5. Eliza

    My husband is addicted to sex workers

    Yes please do Veryunhappy, would be more than happy to talk to someone else about this. We all need to support each other x
  6. Eliza

    My husband is addicted to sex workers

    Anon89 - that would be great. I feel like I really need to talk to other people going through the same thing. I have a good network of close friends and family but it's so difficult for them to really "get it" - whether that's because they don't understand what sex addiction is but also because I don't think anyone can quite understand the trauma that these levels of betrayal can cause. Big hugs to you too xxx
  7. Eliza

    My husband is addicted to sex workers

    Anon89, I could have written your post. I am 3 weeks post discovery - been with my husband for 6 years, married for 3, we have a house together and a 1.5 year old daughter. I don't think anybody would ever have dreamed that me and my husband would have problems - we have always had such a solid relationship, open and trusting (so I thought!), he is a good man, has been so supportive to me as a husband and is a brilliant dad. And yet I have discovered that all the way through our relationship (though it has racked up particularly in the last 6 months), he has... been texting/sexting exes for attention, flirted with a couple of girls I know, paid for pornography, lap dances, joined adult dating websites and messaged women on there, been on online sex chat rooms and met up with/slept with girls from there, been with prostitutes and he has also racked up 4k of debt from all of this acting out plus gambling to try and solve his debt problem. Are the books good/useful? I haven't been to any counselling yet but am looking into it now, I've not really been in a fit state to go anywhere to be honest as my anxiety/stress levels have been through the roof and I've been having a lot of physical symptoms. Like you I don't know where to go from here. If we work things out and stay together am I now doomed to a trustless marriage, having to monitor his every move and set parental controls? Is that the kind of life I want to live? And if I leave him, I'll have to share my daughter with him. Either way I don't think I will be happy, so I feel like I am facing an incredibly hopeless future. He also lost his job the week after I found out about his problem - unrelated but bad timing. Everything is broken, I feel completely devastated and yet I have to try and hold it together for our daughter - and I can't even have a proper break from him as she still needs to see her daddy and I need help with her occasionally. He is doing everything he can to recover - been to the doctors, is on antidepressants (all sounds very similar to your situation!), is attending Sex Addicts Anonymous groups. He/we need some specific counselling but how can we afford it when he's now got 4.5k debts and no job and we have a daughter to provide for?! Sorry that this doesn't really help in terms of advice, but I'm just in a very similar position to you and also feeling lost.
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