Anon89

Hi Everyone, I’m so sorry I have been unable to reply to you all, it really is so upsetting to see just how many of you are struggling with this. I wish I could reply to each and every one of you, but I’m going to try as share as much as I can in this post for now. My first piece of advice for all of you is please put yourselves first. Take it day to day, and do what is best for you in this time. It is a real devastating, tough time. My second piece of advice is - seek help! You’ve done a great thing by finding us here, but there is further help out there also. There are Paula Hall Partner Groups which you can attend, if you are struggling financially with this, please reach out to the PH team, as they may be able to help. There are also charities out there such as Relate, sometimes they have SA specialists. Also, something that really helped me is going to one to one counselling. There are lots of counsellors out there trained in this type of addiction to help both partners and addicts. Again, if you are struggling financially please speak to the team anyway. It may also help you to buy the book for partners, I got mine off Amazon but it helped me understand it more. I realise that it sounds like I’m almost advertising Paula Hall, but it honestly helped me so much. My husband and I both saw separate counsellors trained in this type of addiction, he went to groups run by PH, but also anonymous groups too (SAA) We are still together 5 years after I found out. But everyone is different, each circumstance is different. We still have our highs and lows, but my husband knows if he does relapse at all that I am gone, and that’s it. The reason why I say this now, is because now he has all the help and resources there to help him if he is struggling, whereas he didn’t before. Also, please remember their actions are absolutely nothing to do with you, your relationship or anything you have done to cause this. It is an addiction, a mental illness. Sending so much love to each and every one of you. I know how tough it can be, I know how draining it is. Do whatever you need to do to support yourself. I’ll try and find some time over the next few weeks to reply to all your individual questions, but I’m sure you’ll understand that reliving this trauma for me is quite difficult so I also need to be in the right head space myself to be able to help you all. Take Care x

Hi Lala44, I haven’t been on this forum for so long, but I just got a notification via email that you had commented on my post. I’ll be happy to talk to you. Please drop me a DM x

So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery. I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple. I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next. The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too. I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible. Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can. xx

Hi Prue, I am so sorry to read about the extremely tough time you have been having recently. There is an awful lot of stress and pressure on YOU at this point in time, especially being in an emotionally vulnerable state already with your pregnancy. I would just like first of all to say the best advice I was given is to look after YOURSELF first before you worry about anything else. I discovered my husband's sex addiction 4 months ago, it was the most awful time and even thinking back to that time reduces me to tears. The discovery of my husband's sex addiction was very similar to yours, quite staggered over a week or so. The shock was incredible, I remember sitting there physically shaking, hearing all these things, unveiling all these things......I couldn't quite believe he was the same person I married, the man I had known and loved for 6 years. His behaviour changed instantly, he was very erratic, very defensive and very very selfish. I now realise this is extremely common for someone with an addiction and quite often they aren't ready to be found out so act this way once they have been caught out. For me, this time did pass but we did have space from each other for a couple of weeks. I understand this isn't always possible but it did me the world of good having some breathing space and time to absorb what just happened to me. I have done a lot of reading, research, talking to others. I'm so glad you have found this forum and a place to talk about it. It gave me so much reassurance that this is real, that other people go through this, and that some people even get through this. Everything Paula Hall offers is incredible, I bought her book (the partner's one) and read that, I now regularly go to a counsellor who is trained by Paula Hall. My husband is seeking a lot of help too, he read the book (the addict's one) and also regularly sees a counsellor (separate to mine). There are lots of groups out there as well for you both to get help, a lot of videos on youtube. There is help out there for you both, no matter what path you decide to go down. Just please please please first and foremost look after YOURSELF! Please feel free to message me anytime. xxx

Please do! X

Eliza, I’m so sad to hear that you’re going through this as well. It’s such a shocking time on so many levels. It really really is, it’s not just the lies and betrayal, it’s the debt, the health implications, the future. It’s everything. I’ll PM you, we can support each other through this. Xx

I have just experienced the worst two weeks of my life. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, married for a year and bought a house together earlier this year. I thought everything was going so well, we were so happy, or so I thought. Two weeks ago I made the startling discovery that my husband has been sleeping with escorts. Throughout our whole relationship, not only that but I also discovered a whole load of debt (£4K!) on a credit card which I knew nothing about, and emails to an online doctor service asking for treatment for chlamydia. It has come as a huge shock to me, huge shock. It’s really affected me in so many ways. I asked him to leave and he’s gone to stay with his family but he is having to come back ‘home’ next week. I have literally felt every emotion under the sun. From anger to disgust to hatred to blaming myself to stress to upset. Just about every emotion. I have told close family and friends and they have all been very understanding. Well as much as they can be in this situation. It has come as such a shock to everyone. We have made progress, he has come clean to me, and his family and a close friend. He has gone to the GP, who have diagnosed him with depression and given him anti-depressants. I have been to relate for counselling for myself, and obviously got myself checked for STIs (still anxiously awaiting results!) and he has arranged to meet with a counsellor specialising in this on Weds. I have also downloaded the book for partners by Paula Hall and it is a very interesting, eye opening read which I can very much relate to. He has also purchased the other book by Paula Hall for him. So, he is ashamed of himself, he physically threw up as he told me. He wants help, we are making the right steps. I just fear there is no hope - I’m not sure if we’ll survive this. I’m not going to be someone who needs to check his phone, emails, bank accounts because that is absolutely no life for me either. It’s affected enough of my life already, I can’t let it consume anymore. I just feel so lost, so numb, so confused by it all. It’s just taken me by total surprise. Our sex life was okay, in recent months it’s hardly been anything but I put that down to myself being busy. I feel like I don’t know him anymore, that I’ve seen a side to him I really don’t like, I just don’t know what more we can do. Feel so sad, because underneath this all he is such a lovely kind caring man, he really is. I do love him - which some may find hard to believe after all of this, but I do. Is there anything more I can do? He can do? Anymore help or advice? Thank you so much for reading - I’m sorry it’s so long I just needed somewhere to vent.