Yiksob11

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About Yiksob11

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  1. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Tell parents?   

    Thanks for the responses.
    Look I have told my parents I am struggling and need help but I did not go into detail. It is my personal issue and I think being so open would cause A LOT of harm.
    And my motivation was probably my guilt...wanting to unburden as you say. 
    I am made some silly mistakes but I dont think my parents need to know every last detail...just as I don't about them.
    Nonetheless I am burdened with a heavy guilt each day.
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  2. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Lost everything   

    Hey, sorry to hear what has happened. Look I  am just another human in this struggle but surely seeking professional support ASAP is wise.
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  3. Yiksob11 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Tell parents?
    Dont know whether to tell my parents about this. I need help and I am filled with guilt. It would brake my mums heart. I think I could say I am struggling with mental health and sex addiction. But detailing what I have done....no.
    Please I am so stuck I need help. I cant reallt afford Paulas service. Anyone with some experience in overcoming tbis please pleasw please get in touch I am on the edge here
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  4. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Back to London   

    Ended up acting out on the last day. There were signs of progress, however.
    Went to my GP who set me up with another service who then set me up with another. But it is too expensive for me.
    Saying that soending money on a counsellor is better than on sex...
    My current strategy is to push my non acting out to 3 weeks, I have reached 2 weeks twice now. I am ok with watching porn for now. I just want to quit paying
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  5. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Starting on a Journey...hopefully   

    Hey FarNorth,
    Congrats on starting your journey. You are not alone in your struggles. For sure you can beat this. Try the free self help document on paula hall website it has really helped me.
    Warm regards
    Yik
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  6. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Back to London   

    Thanks for all your comments, it means a lot to me. Makes all the difference.
    So far so good! Feels amazing to be clean. I have been very tempted at times. But I feel that I am getting stronger and wiser.
    I am yet to relapse seriously. Looked at a website for a few minutes on one occassion and that is all. I am really trying not to stare and lust over women. If I see a lady I think is stunning I  am just accepting that and not staring at them like they are an object, because I know a woman is not an object. I am disgusted that I treated women the way I did. I crossed moral lines when I paid for sex. It is hard for me not to regret my behaviour deeply, after a longish break I realise what an awful thing it was to do. I damaged my self esteem and put myself and loved ones at risk. I took advantage of vulnerable women. I hope my loved ones would forgive me. I hope the women I paid for sex would to. I have to forgive myself and prove to myself that I am not that person. That I am self respecting, kind, loving, and strong. I know that I have these qualities, and they did not disappear...I just let my negative qualities take control. I too am vulnerable, I hurt, I was lost, I was sucked into something and got deeper and deeper and now I am getting out. I was ill in the head to have acted like I did. For so many years out of my 21 I have relied on pornography and sex...aggressiveness and violation...to escape. I did not know what I was doing. I watched some porn and I couldnt get enough. I paid for sex with countless webcam girls, more than 20 escorts, and I went to a fair few massage parlours. All within 2 years. My mind was lost. And now it is coming to. But no excuses, I did wrong.
    I think being clean for good requires a complete change in mindset. Sex and women are not escapes from reality or sources of a high. They should be positive parts of life. I dont need to have sex or jerk off every day to be happy. I dont need to make love to every beautiful woman I see to be happy. I need to respect sex and women and respect myself to be happy.
    I feel that I  am on the way to getting better. To changing my mindset. By no means will it be easy but these past few days have made me realise that I  am strong, and with belief in myself and support from other people (like those on this forum) I will overcome this addiction.
    I do want a loving relationship. And there are at least 3 occassions when I could have pursued that and maybe had it. But I do wonder now if that is possible. What woman would want to be with a guy who has slept with over 20 escorts? A guy so weak. A guy so wasteful of money. A guy so blinded by lust...with such self hate. I am sure they would be disgusted by me. Feel betrayed. I could never tell them, and that is an option...it is my past...and I would not expect to know all of theres. I could just say I slept around a lot. If someone were to forgive me that they would be very special. I want to make my addictive behaviour a thing of the past, I want to earn a woman's love and treat her like a queen. I have to think positive but cant ignore the negative.
    Thanks for reading
    Yik
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  7. Yiksob11 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Back to London
    I have got some work in London over the next two weeks. And this is great. I get out, make some money, meet new people, and socialise.
    But the last time I worked in London I used sex workers a lot. So, I am making it my goal to not do so AT ALL during this period.
    I think it will be a massive boost of confidence for me if I can be succesful. And I know that I will be. I plan to sleep early every night, make an effort with my colleagues, read verociously, keep positive and keep busy, meditate and exercise lightly each morn and night. I think that if I can keep my head straight then all will be well. The trouble is that I may get into a bad frame of mind where a relapse is difficult to overcome. Nonetheless, I have to believe that I can do this, and I do believe that I can do this.
    Have a great day, more posts to follow
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  8. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Please I need help..paraphilia case   

    Hey, Whyme. I hope you are well, congrats on seeking support and I wish you the best of luck. I think seeking support is surely the first step to success here. You are not alone for sure and I am sure most sex addicts can relate to that pain of the urge, doing something that you know is wrong...long term consequences ignored. 
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  9. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic My Story   

    Hey, hope you are well.
    I can really relate to what you are saying. Glad to hear you have had a good run recently and that you are making progress. I just finished going over the Kick Start Recovery course today. I think it has definitely helped me to understand my addiction far better than I ever would have before. Just need to try and employ that R.U.N technique now! 
    Loneliness is also a trigger for me which might link to my shyness.
    Funnily enough I just had a great run of 2 weeks free of all that rubbish, came home from a holiday back to the grim English weather and all the other problems at home and I just could not face it. 
    Everyone makes mistakes, I don't know if there are bad people just bad choices....maybe there is a difference between them but both are out there, best of luck with achieving what you want to achieve. And yeah, very therapeutic to chat about it. 

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  10. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic North East   

    Hi Paulos, the online resource on the main website 'Paula Hall' might be a good place to start. You do a short questionnaire then you download the document and it has been very useful for me so far. It is like a self-help approach
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  11. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Porn addiction has ruined my marriage   

    Hi Johnny, 
    Hope you are ok. Sorry to hear about your difficulties. You are not alone in this addiction, I have been hooked on porn, cam girls, and even escorts/massage parlours for a while. I know that feeling of knowing it is not something that is wise to do but doing it anyway, feeling to weak to not give in, submitting to pleasure and ultimately self-destruction. I find it therapeutic to talk about it openly, I think that seeking help is the wisest thing you can do. 
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  12. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    Thanks Rob. I appreciate your kind words. I tried to fight it on my own and I think I have known for a while that it does not work. What I have done makes me feel like a freak, a social outcast. 
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  13. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic I can't stop paying for sex, getting ridiculous   

    I just feel so disgusted with myself, how could I have done all of that? It seems horrific
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  14. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    I honestly feel to weak to join a programme like that, I have been to an NHS sex therapist but it didn't really help
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  15. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    Sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate massively to this 'zone' you speak about. Man, I wish I could stop paying for sex. It is hell, it is hell. How can a mere man resist? One thing that helps me is meditating. It can really nullify angst, fear, and lust.
    I hope that no blackmail is taking place, I get angsty about this as well. Gotta find a way to quit this. 
    I am 21, I really don't want to travel down this path any longer.
    Best wishes my friend
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