Paula Hall

Administrators
  • Content count

    24
  • Joined

  • Last visited


Community Reputation

0 Neutral

About Paula Hall

  • Rank
    Member

Paula Hall's Activity

  1. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Porn addiction - Help   

    Hi,  I don't know if you saw the post after yours from Craig, but he's in the same situation as you - only it may be too late for his marriage.  If you want to beat this addiction then you've got to put blockers on all your IT devices and get help.  If you've tried to stop before, but have failed, even though you know you have so much to lose, then this is almost certainly an addiction now.  That's the definition of an addiction - repeated failure to stop in spite of harmful consequences.  Do look at my self help resource - www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk - and do get in touch with us if you want to join one of our recovery groups or meet with a counsellor.  Whatever you do, do it today and get some help.  People do overcome this and you can be one of them.
    • 0
  2. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Porn addiction   

    Hi Craig,
    I'm so sorry to hear that porn has broken down your marriage -regrettably I hear many stories like this.  As I'm sure you know by  now, pornography can become an addiction and then it's often hard to stop through will power alone.  I would suggest that you need to get some professional help as soon as possible, and maybe, just maybe your wife will realise that you are serious this time.  In the meantime, do put porn blockers on all your devices and if you've not already done so, have a look at my self help resource at www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk.  It may be too late for your marriage, but it's not too late for you.
    • 0
  3. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Mrs   

    Like so many partners it looks like you've found out the hard way, though I'm not sure if your husband was trying very hard to hide it. It's very hard to know what to say to help unless your husband has said that he has a problem.  There are of course lots of people who talk to people online in a sexual way who would not say they are addicted and would not see it as being unfaithful in any way.  My advice would be to talk honestly to your husband and tell him how upset you are by his behaviour.  Ask him if he thinks it's a problem and if it's getting worse and if so then he needs to get some help.  There is a self help assessment on this website which he could complete (totally anonymous) or have a look at the resource at www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk.  If he doesn't think he's got a problem, then I guess that leaves you wondering what you can do.  You certainly don't have to agree to live with this, but the choice to leave is never an easy one.  The first step has got to be trying to talk to him about what's going on and how you can resolve it.  Hope that helps.
    • 0
  4. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Partner of a porn addict and my own painful history   

    Hi Hannah,
    Thank you for so bravely sharing your story on this forum - I think that already shows what courage you have and how much you have moved forward from the shame and pain of that 12 year old.  Every partner has their own story, their own history.  And a partner's history will have a huge impact on how they feel about their partner's porn use and their recovery.  When partners have abuse and trauma in their history, regrettably discovering addiction can re-trigger those same old emotions meaning you get a double dose of pain.
    Unfortunately addiction often bypasses morality and the value system that people hold.  Porn is addictive because it arouses dopamine, and what few people know is that the more shocking the porn, the more the dopamine levels are raised.  And high levels of dopamine, temporarily turn off the disgust response.  That means that many people with porn addiction find themselves viewing images that actually disgust them.  It's a bit like an alcoholic who finds themselves drinking whiskey even though they despise the taste. 
    What happened all those years ago was about power and abuse, not about sexual arousal.  Although most would agree that viewing that kind of pornography is wrong, there is a difference between watching something that is fiction and engaging in the fact.  For example, we might enjoy watching films where there is violence or murder, but that certainly doesn't mean that we would do it or condone doing it. 
    If you haven't already done so, do find a counsellor that you can talk to about this.  Being alone always makes life more painful.  Find someone you can confide in.  Preferably other partners who can share your story.  You've made a brave first step.
    • 0
  5. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Where will this end?   

    In short, yes a sex addict can recover - completely.  But it nearly always takes professional help, long term recovery plans, changes in lifestyle and being part of a support community.  It's rare for addicts to establish recovery without the support of others who have struggled with the same problem.  And relationships do recover as well, but that takes time too.  If you have read my book for partners, please do.  It will help you make sense of the mood swings that you're experiencing and give you some strategies for coping.  There's also a chapter on rebuilding trust and rebuilding your sexual relationship.  Partners so often feel completely alone and isolated so you will also find it easier to move on if you can get support for yourself from other partners.  You have been through a significant trauma.  Please do make sure you give yourself the same compassion that you're generously offering your partner.  The pain won't go on forever and whilst there will still be dark days, they will gradually become fewer and further apart.  But get help for you too - don't try and get through this alone.
    • 0
  6. Paula Hall added a post in a topic I can't describe how devastated I am….   

    Hi - it sounds like you're in a really difficult position right now and have a lot of understanding of recovery from your past.  But you're right that sex addiction is  much more personal and feels very different for partners.  It's also much harder to see 'evidence' of recovery as you can't prove what you haven't done and you can't 'see' sobriety.  My advice is to be sure that as well as having good accountability measures in place, you focus on seeing that he's worked through the 'causes' of his addiction and that you can see the evidence of that.  For example, if he used his addiction to soothe anger - is he now better at managing anger?  If it's rooted in stress, how is his stress management now?  That's the evidence that you can see and measure.  Addiction is a symptom - has he found the cause and resolved that?  Hope that helps.
    • 0
  7. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    Partners Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    Course Objectives
     To provide a sense of safety and stability after the trauma of disclosure of sex addiction. To provide a sense of control over emotional reactions. To empower to make informed choices based on knowledge and truth. To provide a support network. NB – the goal of this course is not to ‘save’ the relationship, but to provide partners space to explore their individual situation and needs within a supportive community.
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  8. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  9. Paula Hall added a post in a topic How do I know he's not just faking recovery   

    Hi Fiona,
    8 years is a long time to wait, always wondering if this time will the time he finally gets sorted.  Unfortunately we see lots of people who have wasted years of therapy and huge amounts of money with therapists who aren't trained in this field.  And one of the mistakes untrained therapists make is not being able to ensure that the person with the addiction is fully motivated to change.  To change for themselves, because it's what they 'want' - not just to keep their family together.  Obviously we understand that family is a key motivator, but it does need to be more than that.  Until someone really wants to change because they firmly believe there is a better life without addiction, then relapses are almost inevitable.  If you haven't already done so, please do get in touch.  We can provide support for you as well as ensuring your husband is fully getting into recovery this time.  Warmest wishes. Paula
    • 0
  10. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Recovery time taking it's toll   

    Hi Krista,
    Thanks for writing in.  Firstly let me assure you that unfortunately this is very natural.  The challenge working in sex and porn addiction is that recovery is not about abstinence, but about reclaiming your sexuality from the addiction and developing a healthy sex life.  That definitely can happen, but it does take time and often professional support.  Have you got a copy of my partners book? (Sex Addiction - The Partner's Perspective).  If not, do get one as there is a whole section on rebuilding sexual intimacy.  Assuming your partner really is in full recovery, then I would recommend you both see a psychosexual therapist together.  We can provide that service for you, but if finances are a problem then you will find psychosexual therapists on the NHS, or of course, your local Relate centre who may be able to offer low cost sessions.  A sex therapist will be able to help you with your communication together as well as helping you to rebuild your sex life into something that both of you can enjoy.  Ideally your therapist should be trained in sex addiction as well so they can work with any triggers that may arise for your partner.  Hope that helps. 
    • 0
  11. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  12. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    Understanding Partners Needs

    Until

    ex and porn addiction can devastate partners and many people struggle to know how to support their partners whilst continuing on their own recovery journey. This day focuses on understanding partner’s needs, improving communication and developing the essential requirements for rebuilding trust.
     
    The day has been specifically designed for people with addiction who are already in recovery and want additional insight and resources to rebuild their relationship. The workshop will help attendees to:-
     
    Understand the emotional impact on partnersUnderstand how disclosure affects partner’s responseDemonstrate empathy for partners feelingsManage their own internal emotional responses to partnersDemonstrate empathy and compassionImprove accountabilityDevelop better communication skillsResolve and reduce conflictUnderstand the essentials for rebuilding trust 
    The day will run from 10.00 am to 4.30 pm with lunch and refreshments provided.
    Places are limited, so if you would like to join us.
    NB – confidentiality is of paramount importance to the practice and hence attendees will only be required to give their first names on the day and no other personal details will be shared.    
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  13. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire,
    I've just read through the posts and wanted to make sure you were aware that we can provide therapy via video skype.  Many people come to our intensives from other countries, so that doesn't have to be a barrier.  But if travel isn't possible, we can support you, your husband, or/and you as a couple via skype.  I know it's not the same as face to face, but it's better to work in this way with an experienced therapist than face to face with someone who's not trained in this field. 
    • 0
  14. Paula Hall added a post in a topic How to make a decision   

    Hi Elena,
    Thanks for getting in touch.  Yes you're right, there are many partners affected by this.  Pornography addiction can have a devastating effect on men's libido and their ability gain and maintain an erection.  Consequently they often withdraw more and more from having a sexual relationship with their partner.  It worries me that he's been going for help but isn't sharing with you what's going on.  Has he stopped?  Does he have the tools to stop?  Does he understand what caused and maintained his addiction?  Without these things it's going to be very difficult for the two of you to rebuild trust and rebuild your sexual relationship.  I think you're right not to go back to Relate.  Relate are an excellent organisation (I am Relate-trained myself), but most of the counsellors are not trained in porn addiction.  It might also be worth checking that your husband is working with a therapist who is trained and experienced in this area as well.  If they're not, then he may not be getting the help he (and you) need.  Do get in touch if we can help and have a look at the other resources available on this site.  Bw,  
    • 0
  15. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    Thanks for your post - I guess you really need to decide if you want to stop.  It sounds as though you know your behaviour is getting in the way of your relationship with your wife and it sounds as if it's getting in the way of your every day functioning as well.  Lots of people think about sex a lot, there's nothing wrong with that, but if you feel compelled to act out when you don't want to.  And/or you find yourself preoccupied by fantasies that you can't fulfil - then you have a problem.  The bottom line is that compulsive sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviours get in the way of you enjoying an 'achievable' sex life.  In other words, you find yourself always wanting more than what you currently have - rather than being able to enjoy what you have.  If you've not already done the assessment on this site - I recommend you complete it and maybe get in touch for some help.  Bw.
    • 0