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Hi Hec, being sober is not the same as recovery at all. The acting out behaviour is a symptom of much deeper issues and, in my experience, if those aren't addressed, they will come out sideways elsewhere. I agree with Kaykay, it isn't unreasonable to expect your partner to work at your relationship, if he wants to be with you. Last week, I read a letter that I had sent my partner a month after I discovered all the things he was doing in secret. I was soooooo encouraging and reassuring and I could practically see myself jumping up and down with pom-poms like some over-enthusiastic cheerleader. Reading this letter a year later, I was struck by how little energy he had put into meeting me in the relationship. I felt ridiculous putting so much energy in, whilst he went through the motions but has yet to make the commitment to really working his programme, and to really working our relationship. So, I've stepped back. I'm still there to support him, if he will step up and support me too. Much to my surprise, he noticed that I had put the pom-poms down and was quietly getting on with my life. For the first time ever, he initiated a conversation about my feelings and about our relationship. He said, "I hate to see you so sad. What can I do to help?" This is completely new for him, and I know it wasn't easy. My partner too has to work on himself, but our relationship can't sit on ice while he does this. I have been the mad cheerleader for over a year now; I'm not doing it any more. I know his initiating a conversation is a tiny baby step. I don't know that he will continue to put the effort in, but I know that if I keep repeating my groundhog day, there is no space, nor need, for him to put effort in too. Every couple is different, but I think what this forum shows me is the similarities in the pain we feel when our need for emotional and physical intimacy isn't met, and when our love and support is betrayed. It also shows me how devastatingly damaging shame is and makes me sorry for the addicts that flail about stuck in their shame and doing so much damage in the process. I don't know if your partner can step up into your relationship (hell, I don't even know if mine can!), but I do know that whether our men can be there with us or not, we need to look after ourselves. We are no good to them or ourselves if we get sucked into their shame and pain too. Ann x

Lorna Ann, sadly, there are many many women (and probably men too) who have been where you are. We feel alone because the shame and horror keeps us largely invisible. On this forum, we can be heard by each other, without judgement and with compassion. What has helped me enormously is the realisation that his recovery is not mine. I have my own path to health and stability to tread; it may be parallel to his, but equally, the two paths may diverge. I know this is blindingly obvious, but it took me some months for the penny to really drop and for me to believe this in my heart, as well as in my head. Taking this position means that I can extend him compassion, and even love, but it means I am free from responsibility for his actions, and, equally importantly, he is not responsible for mine. I am free to choose what is meaningful and healthy for me. I hope that in time, you will find peace within yourself and the courage to choose what is safest and healthiest for you. And while you do that, know that you are in good company with the rest of us who are journeying with you. x

So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery. I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple. I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next. The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too. I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible. Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can. xx

Hi all I hope life is treating you all a little kinder? So here I am 12 months from DDay when my life imploded, so I thought I would give you all an update to where I am in my recovery journey. This past year has probably been the most difficult time I have ever endured, and I honestly feel that I wouldn’t have survived without all the help and advice along with the kind and loving words from so many people, especially @Chandon@Milena@Roberto@Simon_in_Recovery who took me under their wings right at the beginning of my discovery. You all made me realise that despite my pain and feelings of unworthiness that I had value. To each and everyone who has ever reached out I thank you all from the bottom, middle and top of my heart. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride with so much pain and anxiety. But I have found it true what others who have gone before have said, and that is you can find some happiness amongst the pain and it is possible to not only survive but also thrive. I have discovered so much about myself, I am definitely much more resilient than I thought, I feel I have so much more wisdom now, more empathy and strangely more love. I have read more books and listened to so many podcasts, tons of webinars, therapy etc than I ever thought possible but without me doing the work on my own recovery I know I never would have healed. Me and hubby are still together, he has continued to do his work, no slips or relapses. He is still getting therapy (fortnightly now) and does at least 1 SAA meeting a week. He still believes that the Pivotal from @Paula Hallwas the most powerful tool he had. He’s on his fourth go around with it as he feels there are many benefits with keeping it up. I honestly wish there was something out there like it for the partners of sex/porn addicts especially right at the beginning of discovery. Life isn’t perfect but nor is anyone’s? There are still moments, eg every anniversary that came and went had a slight sting but I promise if you look after yourself and make your healing a priority the blips and pain don't last as long. You have the power to heal yourself if you use every resource available to you. Yep I know we didn’t cause it, but if you were hit by a bus through no fault of your own and broke your leg you would go to hospital to get fixed and this is exactly the same except for your mental health. I would never advise anyone that leaving or staying is what they should do, no 2 people or 2 relationships are the same. I can only say that for me, my life is good again and my marriage is thriving and happy. The no rash decisions for 6-12 months is honestly great advice. Obviously I like everyone else, do not know what the future holds, but I do know I’ve got the tools and a fire in my belly to have an amazing life and I sincerely hope with all my heart for peace and happiness for each and everyone of you xxx

Hello, In my teenage years and early twenties I developed a compulsive behaviour whereby I used porn and dating apps simultaneously, using the former as a kind of arousal 'fuel', with the latter providing a slot machine style reward. I am now in my mid-twenties and in a healthy relationship, but wanted to share this as it may be helpful for other people who have combined dating apps and porn in compulsive behaviour. After watching the Social Dilemma on Netflix recently - it's great - I thought a lot about how dating apps are engineered and the expensive UX testing to ensure users remain on them for as long as possible. These apps are designed for profit, not user welfare. Various apps make it a longwinded process to delete them, and I found myself in a constant cycle of deleting and reinstalling the apps. Finally, it's worth mentioning that I would not have used either porn or dating apps as compulsively as I did - often staying up most of the night - in isolation of the other. I never watched porn all night or used dating apps all night on their own. It was the combination of both that seemed the formula of my compulsive behaviour. After contacting a popular mental health charity about my behaviour, I was told that porn was not something they had any support in place for, and sent me links to various places including Laurel Centre. While I bare no grudge of this, I think it shows that our more holistic mental health services don't really have dating apps and porn high on their radar. As mentioned, I wanted to put this out there in case others had experienced any compulsive behaviour linked to both porn and dating apps. Thanks!

Hi Tabs. I am quite new on the forum, and now only look at it every week or two as I find it quite emotionally upsetting. But I didn't want to read and run with you saying there haven't been many replies. My heart goes out to you. We have a lot of similarities. I have been with my husband since our late teens and we had only ever been with each other. My husband progressed from porn to sex workers before I found out. (Although I don't think he ever used chatrooms - I did ask when we had our disclosure). The sex workers were just before I found out and he admitted his addiction, but the porn had apparently been going on for years. I agree so strongly with your point about the ease of accessing porn. It will destroy so many lives. We separated too, for nearly a year. That was an awful period and I spent most of it crying and so angry and confused. We have been together 35 years and married for thirty. I understand how this completely screws up your mind and has you questioning everything you ever thought was real about your relationship. We are still trying to recover, but it is a hard process. The added burden for you of having people know and judge must be almost unbearable. Please don't think because people aren't responding it's because they don't care. Sometimes it's just because we don't know what to say. But on here you are safe and cared about. Take care, focus on you and your needs at the moment x

Thank you Ginny. I see that my post has had many views. But I’m sad there are not many responses. I hope that in some small way it helps others, others who may be going through the same, or similar, heartbreak, to know they are not alone. Or some that are concerned that they or their loved ones may stumble down the same path, I hope it stops them. No one, not anybody, deserves to go through this. For those of you who are struggling in private, one thing I know that may reassure you, is that people are kinder than you know. I was not in a position to keep this a secret. The public knew before me. The truly wonderful thing to come out of it are the amazing people who came forward to support me, reassuring me that I had done no wrong, as I agonised about how we got here. Many loved him too and didn’t see it. So, there is no need to suffer silently, reach out for help. I have come to really know that being vulnerable is actually a strong thing to do.

Hey everyone, I’m a few days after discovery that my partner of 17 years has been having sec with prostitutes for he says about 4 years but I think it could be the whole time we were together and maybe earlier? He’s also a porn addict apparently. I found out when going through his phone and then I got a call my Dad had a heart attack, so I had to focus on that, I’m really struggling to cope and feel very overwhelmed, we have 4 children all under 5! I just quit my job to be a housewife, I’m numb then angry, then so sad. I haven’t eaten since Monday and I’m exhausted. I have to hide it all and look after my dad and the kids and he gets to play victim and go to therapy. Im so lost and reading these stories just makes me think to get out and run for the hills because the thought of going through this again and again is basically hell. I’m 38, maybe I can rebuild a life, I have no idea but I feel like this is going to push me into some kind of breakdown or make me do things i regret out of trauma and revenge. Lost.

Hi Katie. I agree with you. As a recovering sex addict with 17 years of acting out behind me, I can confirm that straight guys such as myself can certainly get their addiction-driven "fun" from guys. In my case, I was not bothered where I got sex ... there are many guys to hook up with and I somehow convinced myself that getting my "fun" that way was in some way less damaging to my marriage than other pursuits. I recently attended a Laurel Centre residential recovery course and it was life changing, not just in terms of the sex addiction. I discovered so much about myself that I am now beginning to work through with a therapist. My wife has also been incredibly supportive now that all my secrets are out. Long story short ... Your partner is in no way unique! Best wishes to you both ... If your partner wants to beat this, it's certainly possible.

Hi Rach, I know you posted this a while ago. If this is still what’s bothering you most though, I’ve been through the same thing and I’m completely sure there’s just no way you could have known. If you do want to connect with someone going through the same thing, message me. I haven’t posted anywhere before and am also feeling a gap not being connected to anyone going through this. And it’s heartbreaking imagining someone else feeling this- so upsetting to see so many women on here that this has happened to. On my side I found out last July that my “perfect” husband of 16 years, who I’ve been closer to than anyone else since we met 22 years ago when I was only 18, had been going to strip clubs and visiting prostitutes for the last decade. It’s just constant horror. He went into immediate crisis when I found out and accepted he had a problem, and as far as I can tell he’s as committed to recovery as I could ask. But as soon as I get near to settling one burning question like this, another one takes over - and as soon as I think I’ve reconciled anything with myself or with him, the reality suddenly hits again and my emotions do a 180 degree turn. I can’t get perspective, and I feel so trapped because we’ve got a young family together and I don’t want them to see anything change unless I’m sure I want it to be over. Not adding a name for now because am feeling nervous somehow, but really hoping you’ve already found more peace than me! x

In my experience, addicts can't deal with real emotions, which is why they hide away in the fantasy of porn and meaningless relationships. I know you want him to help you, be accountable etc, I wanted the same, I still do, but it has been 11 months since I discovered all the awful things my partner was doing, and while I can see that he is working on his recovery, it is only now that I have been able to ask him to work on our relationship. We have started couples therapy and, to tell you the truth, I am still highly doubtful that he is able to think of anyone other than himself. Your partner won't know which end is up at the moment, but well done him for taking himself off to treatment. If these 30 days give you a chance of beginning a healthy honest relationship, then it is worth it. It also gives you a chance to look after yourself without the distraction of his crumbling in front of you. He can't make your PTSD go away, only you can do that, preferably with professional support. Being in the same house as him won't necessarily stop him acting out over the next 30 days, or any day after that. His recovery is his work, and yours is yours. Taking care of yourselves is absolutely necessary before you can take care of each other. Now, almost a year on, I'm not sure how far my partner can recover. I'm not sure that we will be able to have an ongoing relationship, but I do know that I can and will look after myself. Be kind to yourself, Ann x

Hi Ann, You mentioned that your partner didn't tell you about his lapses, but that you discovered them and confronted him. I've been in a similar position. Each time I've had to challenge him about a lapse, or about a return to old habits. This has been a major problem for me too. He has never come to me and told me he has relapsed, despite me demanding that he do that numerous times, and telling him that if he owns up I might be angry, but I would be supportive and would do whatever he needed help him get back on track. The most recent time this happened it very nearly led to the end of our relationship. His defence was that he didn't want to upset or hurt me by telling me that he had relapsed - I think he was left in no doubt that the deceit and lying hurt me far more than his lapses. After the most recent incident we started couples counselling, with a counsellor who supports Paula Hall's approach. With her support we worked through Paula's couples guide, as well as doing a number of other exercises. Most importantly, we were able to agree some ground rules and a way forward. The problem I now have (a year from his last relapse) is that I don't know how I can be confident that he would be honest and open about a future relapse when he has never demonstrated that. In my darker moments, I almost wish he would relapse, just so I can find out if he will come to me and tell me about it. I guess I'm finding it hard to take on trust that he now understands the need for openess and honesty around his addiction - I feel I need some proof. I have to say that in everything apart from this, he is always truthful (as far as I know!) and shares everything with me. We have a great relationship in all other ways, but I've also had times when I've wondered if I was stupid to stay with someone who repeatedly does something that he knows distresses me. My partner's explanation is that when he acts out, he can always justify it to himself as 'just this once', 'everyone does it', 'it's not that bad', or (most upsetting) 'she knows and doesn't really mind'. During periods of sobriety, he says he always feels absolutely sure he'll never do it again. I suppose that's the nature of the addiction. I hope you find a way through this that works for you and gives you the peace of mind you need.

@OurLifeIsALie, I found similarly shocking stuff on my partner's phone. It was so disorienting for me, as he had never shown a shred of interest in other men. It made me think, how can I be enough for a man who fancies other men? If he had plain said he was gay, I think I would have found that easier to manage in a way, as I know some people discover this about themselves later in life. What I find hard to get my head round is that he vehemently says he isn't, but was sending very explicit material to other men (and women). I've done a lot of reading, and have talked to trusted and knowledgeable friends about this, and I have come to the conclusion that in SA, a big part of it is the secrecy and the shame, and that each reinforces the other. The expression of the relationship between the secrecy and shame happens to be sex and the more shameful and secret that sex, the more it does that job. I have learnt, from talking to my partner, that this kind of sex, and all the feelings that go with it, are compartmentalised into a different box in his head than his feelings for me. He kept saying to me, "it's not about you" which I found very hard to understand, as it felt so deeply personal to me. I don't put my sexual feelings into little boxes in that way, so it is very hard to understand what that feels like. It's not easy at all, but I am working very hard at not taking his addiction personally. He is doing the work, and I believe that he wants the stuff in the shameful box to lose its power in his life and for the feelings in the box in which he puts our life to be stronger and safer. I hope for that too, and am prepared to support him in getting there, as long as he keeps the work up. I hope that I am not being a mug for doing this, but I know that if he can't manage his addiction, it won't be for lack of support on my part, and I will leave the relationship sadly, but without blaming myself. Read all you can - knowledge is power! And I while everybody is different and has to find their own way, I would strongly urge you to be true to yourself, and remember that your recovery from this is yours, regardless of what choices he makes. x

Thank you for your responses. Firefly, exactly right. I am not being investigated and nor should I be. The question is why in this day and age are people so judgemental without knowing the facts. Education in this subject is seriously lacking I for one, was totally ignorant! So I guess I can’t blame them. But I’d like to think that I would have be willing to try to understand. Snowflake, thank you! I have been feeling that I may be on my own with the ‘one and only’. I used to be proud of that fact, that I found my true love and that making love was special and for him only. Then with recent events I wondered if that was what made him look elsewhere, that he felt cheated, I never did feel that way. He actually confessed to feeling that he felt almost entitled to mess around as he was listening to other men , of all ages, who boasted about their conquests!!!!! I should have noticed that he liked hanging out with them and having quiet secretive conversations. He thought if he kept it secret it wouldn’t matter!! With therapy he now realises that is totally wrong and that no-one should objectify any other person. his therapist has helped highlight his poor role models as a child. I am pleased that you are finding your way back to each other. I feel I will always love my husband, We have spent most of our lives together and grew together but I currently think I have gone through too much to ever truly trust him and believe in him again. For him to put me in the position where I was literally in fear of my life and leave me so he could look after himself first is not who I thought he was. He says he still loves me and always will but he is not fighting to be with me at all. He is still frightened for himself, and I don’t admire that. I have been fighting for him AND myself, and I don’t think he really understands that. He has no contact with any of our family, friends, godchildren etc. I am left to explain and comfort them, and they are as confused as I am. Sunflower, thank you for your support. I totally understand the need to step away from the forums. Sometimes it feels like you are picking away at scab. It is comforting and painful at the same time. I know for me, I feel everyone’s pain as well as my own and sometimes it’s too much to bear and takes some additional energy to then post. I so appreciate your support everyone. I actually feel more at home here than the ‘relations of offender’ forums. As here I can read and relate to the emotional and sexual side of things, without focussing too much on the ‘crime’ side. I can’t tell you how much it helps me . As that is the crux of it all. Meanwhile for me, his toxic family continue to do their worst. How can a family turn their back on one of their own who is in pain? I despair, but also In a way it helps me understand that he couldn’t cope with it. They are not my family therefore don’t impact on me in the same way. My family are loyal and dependable and have strong values, in that I am lucky. I AM strong and I WILL survive. I hope that soon I will thrive. That is my hope. There has to be some good coming out of this, there has to be!!! I hope we all find peace and happiness. xxxx

Hi Lorna ann, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I’m sorry your having to go through this and feel you have no support. I also only recently found out about my partner of 24 years addiction. I feel for you I really do, I’m sorry you have already had so much trauma to deal with. Please know this forum is a safe space and if you need to vent you can do. I have found great comfort here in my darkest moments. There are lots of us here all at different stages. Please feel free to reach out and know that although you feel very alone there is a supportive group here for you.

Goodness that’s so well said 👏🏼

@Snowflake, it sounds as if you and I are at similar points in our partner's recovery and our response to it. All the weirdness and things that just didn't make sense came bursting into painful undeniable focus on 1st June. Anyway, several rocky months on, he is completely and genuinely submerged in his recovery, with 12 step groups twice a week, and daily phone calls and written questions that he is presented each day. All of this is great, and I cannot fault him for sincerity, however, as I keep reminding him, there are two of us in recovery. I find it very difficult to watch any tv programmes with sex scenes in them when we are together. I'm currently watching Harlots on i-player, and I turn it off when he walks in. He assures me that I don't have to do this, as it doesn't upset him. This makes me so fu***ng livid, because it's not his feelings that I am sparing by turning it off! I've told him this, and he still doesn't get it! At first, I kept my distress from him as much as I could, because he was too fragile to bear his own shame and guilt, and my hurt and anger. Now, I've started to let him know what I feel and think; if we are to move forward in the way that he says he wants, then he needs to know who he is moving forward with. I may be a supportive partner, but I am so much more three-dimensional than that. I won't bob along like a dinghy in the wake of his recovery. He assumes that we will live happily ever after now that he has seen the light. He needs to see me too, or he will be continuing his journey on his own. I don't know if any of this bears any relation to what you are feeling, but I wanted to share with you my experience of not being cowed into being the "good wife" and being frightened of derailing his recovery with the imposition of my own feelings. OUR FEELINGS MATTER TOO!!!!! If our partners can't handle the fallout of their behaviour, then they aren't really doing the real work. X

Thanks all . Having had my therapy this week, I'm going to try accountability contract. If that doesn't work then I know I've tried. Xx

Domino69 that is a powerful analogy! It’s hurtful to know that there is something driving our partners that is stronger than their sense of loyalty to us... I suspect the level of addiction , or whether it is an addiction at all or just bad behaviour is somewhere along a spectrum and may even swing back and forth over time... I suppose all we can do is look at our partners in the context of their wider behaviour . Something I could never grasp with my husband was how at odds his acting out was with the rest of his life and strong values- which makes me think it MUST be an addiction . But on a bad day of course I’m only too ready to believe that he is just a *~@x<* 😆

Hi ElleS, I’m only just catching up on here today after a few days away but wanted to thank you for posting and to say I totally understand your pain. The shame and secrecy surrounding this horrible addiction adds another layer of weight and isolation that feels almost unbearable at times. I’ve found a huge amount of support on this forum and I hope you can do the same. i also made an ultimatum to my husband and he has been through the online programme and now considers himself to be fully committed to recovery. However one thing I have learnt in the weeks since this all kicked off (and he has admitted to being fully physically involved in acting out) is that my choices around staying or going are not dependent on his recovery. Also that the most important thing is for me to work actively on my own mental health and well-being . This feels like it is taking the pressure off the relationship for the time being. don’t get me wrong- it is still a rollercoaster, as you will see from my previous posts and I still have many bad days along with occasional glimmers of hope. keep sharing, and take in day at a time. Sending love x

I have just picked up on this post as a newbie on here, and I can only speak for myself, but please, PLEASE, if you are a SA reading this , consider telling your partner everything. From my own experience I cannot tell you how much more painful and destructive it is to be drip fed information or to have to prise it out of someone. If my husband ever reads this post, I just want him to know that whatever you have to tell, it cannot be any worse than the things I have imagined.

Hi Rose, I’m glad you’re taking this step to support yourself. I look forward to seeing you there. I’m doing ok. Husband has agreed to take a week off work (he’s an extreme workaholic on top of everything else) We are just trying to regain some sense of what our lives could be if we overcome this nightmare. love to you and anyone else reading this and struggling x

Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been much better.... I got dressed cooked lunch and dinner and sorted some emails that I needed to do. I’m exhausted now. One day at a time..... thank you for sharing your stories with me too. I’m very grateful to this forum right now as it’s my safe space. I hope in time I’m able to offer support back.

Thank you Axe20 for offering your personal experiences and thoughts. I think it’s good that you admitted you didn’t really drip feed to spare your wife the pain, but that it was more about sparing yourself the pain and trying to salvage what you could. I guess this is human nature. I also get that you may not remember every detail. But for me, it was about knowing the infidelities, the when, the where and how often etc. Partners are being asked to understand and forgive horrific behaviour and I wasn’t going to even attempt that with someone only telling me the bits they wanted to tell. To me, that’s just repeating the behaviour that had caused the issue in the first place. It’s a very long and difficult road. I did feel a little unsure of your final comment about it being able to stop if BOTH of you want it to. As a partner who had no knowledge of this behaviour, a great marriage for 21 years and fulfilling too, I am uncomfortable with the comment. I will not make my husband stop, nor was I to blame. So the only person who can do that is himself. I am willing to support where I can. But I have been deceived in the worst possible way and I have to recover too. That will not involve me making his recovery my responsibility. I’m guessing you may have meant the comment in another way. But I’m restating these thoughts for all those suffering partners out there. Axe20 I wish you all the luck with your recovery. This forum is an excellent support.

Hi NJJ and Kittywood I am sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I think I got to the point where I couldn’t face even looking at this forum. There are times when you become sick of this being your new unexpected life. I too have cried every single day for 14 months... without fail and often several times in a day. I have felt every emotion possible and it’s horrible. The worst is anger. It has, at times turned me in to someone I don’t even recognise. Maybe rage is a better word. It has led me to physically lash out... pushing and slapping my husband and I believe no one should hit anybody. Not in a way to hurt, but even so, it’s goes against all I believe a person should be. This is such a devastating feeling. I am still in a state of disbelief and shock. But the prolonged disclosure hasn’t helped that. My husband is doing all that he can and is having trauma therapy. But that still doesn’t take away my trauma. I think we have to listen to our inner voice. I feel I am more attuned to that now. So whatever you are feeling, listen to it but don’t make any hasty decisions. Seek therapy and talk it through. Hopefully you will come to the right decision for you and your family. Take care x

So sorry you are going through this. I would only repeat the great advice above. I'm 6 months from finding out and understanding your feelings so clearly. Try to take care of yourself the best you can, don't put pressure on yourself to make any decisions right away. I promise things will start feel better, it just takes time and for the shock of the trauma to settle. I didn't think I could get through it when it happened to me, but I did and I'm out of the other side. You will get through this too. Paula Hall's book for partners is a resource I recommend and reading it helped me a lot. But I know it's very early days so again no pressure to do anything too difficult right now. Consider seeking out a therapist who is trained to deal with betrayal trauma, I've found so much support from mine. I've had great support from people on here, so please know that we are all here for you. Take care and sending you lots of love and strength xx

Hello Tracey, It’s so sad to hear the despair in your message. I’m 17 months into this and I can remember all the feelings of desperation you describe. It does get better please keep in contact on this forum. It can take a while for people to respond but the support is amazing. You are hurt, wounded, betrayed and broken but I will put a lot of money on the fact that your partner didn’t do this to you. The wounds from the behaviour has hurt you but the need to act this way has nothing to do with you but from way back before he ever knew you. I found great comfort learning about Sex addiction and understanding it. I still have wounds and triggers and our relationship is forever changed but I promise you whatever happens it does get better. Message me if you are in need of any help. I’m happy to assist with your recovery. I found Dr Robert Weiss extremely supportive. Look online, YouTube and seeking integrity for podcasts and lots of free educational media. Wetonglen is an amazing resource for partners at many stages of recovery let me know if you want any more information. Don’t make any decisions yet. Do nothing but survive and take good care of yourself. It’s all about you for now. Get your life jacked on and float. You won’t feel this way forever I promise x You can leave , tell friends, ruin everything at anytime but don’t do it hot headed and regret it later. Wait until things settle as you may feel differently in a few months.

Hi I found your post to be very emotional and truthful and I felt so sorry that you’re going through this. I agree you ARE NOT a bad person, people are capable of doing bad things but that doesn’t have to define you! I feel that SAA could be the right path for you, my husband found that the fellowship there to be amazing aid in his recovery. To be able to connect with others who will support and listen without judgement or condemnation is a blessing and you deserve to have that support. Also please look at doing the Pivotal via the Laurel Centre, my husband said it made such a difference to have the understanding and wisdom that Paula brought to him. I wish you all the very best in forging ahead in your recovery and I truly believe you have the ability to succeed if you are willing to do the work.

Hello @hurting-, There's always hope. There's always hope because we always have ourselves to nurture and we live in an amazing world. Unfortunately, the people you and I both trusted have let us down in the worst way imaginable. There are some wonderful and wise people on here and I think we've been a genuine help to each other. They will tell you that the number one person to look out for here is YOU. Whatever happens, your needs go to the top. You've been badly hurt and you should do whatever you need to look after you. I've been given a new lease on my life since my husband admitted a sex addiction (I'm in a same sex relationship, just to be clear). I've had 12 months of therapy so far and it's been the best thing I ever did. I'm encouraged to seek out new interests and new people. Addiction is something which stops us from living a life free of it. I would suggest it's worth your partner seeking counselling to start with. Porn is most certainly highly addictive. Potentially you, he and a therapist need to discuss whether one visit to an escort is an addition or just a bad choice. As hard as it is to understand, just because he visited an escort doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Human beings are v unreliable and scree up all the time. Unfortunately both you and I have been affected by this. Most people on here will also tell you that Sex Addicts Anonymous SAA is an amazing organisation, should your partner decide he needs such help.

Hi @Abcim a little further on than you and what I can tell you is that his therapist is giving him bad advice. As a betrayed partner the wayward should be doing anything and everything that you need at this moment. There should be no limits on what you need answers too. You have the right to access his phone, laptops, bank accounts or whatever else. If you request him to dye his hair blue and wear a purple bow tie then that is what he should be doing. As for any form of physical intimacy that is not for your partner or his therapist to decide, this is yours and only your decision, do not be pressurised to do anything. You need to feel safe and this is not helping you to get over your trauma. You must not listen to what your partner has to say he may even be gaslighting or manipulating you. Speak to your own therapist who is going to be there for just you. Couples therapy is far too early yet. He has to prove he is doing the work in recovery, not in the hope of reconciling but in the hope of getting sober. Please listen to someone who has been in your shoes, you cannot and are not responsible for his acting out or his recovery. Get yourself better first, think only of your own recovery and leave him to get on with his. This is the hardest thing you will do but believe me it has been proven time and time again that if you try to aid in his recovery yours will suffer. Take care hun and if you need any help please reach out.

Nope the first thing you need to know is that this has nothing to do with you. You are in no way responsible for his acting out. I recommend that if therapy is too expensive for him to attend more frequently that he gets in touch with SAA and starts meetings whether online or face to face. Your responsibility is to you and you only, you must look after yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping. This addiction is his and his alone, it is his recovery and as much as you want to help him, you cannot. You can be supportive but must not try to do the work for him. It is very likely that his addiction started at a very young age as a coping mechanism (self soothing) to cope with trauma of some type. You yourself are also now coping with betrayal trauma and must concentrate on your own recovery. Do not accept his projection of guilt and shame as a way to gain your empathy, if he his struggling then he needs to find an accountability partner to talk HIS issues through with, which again he will find via SAA. It is not your place to make him feel better when you are suffering yourself. If you need any help with finding resources please reach out, and keep in touch. This site can sometimes be quiet but there are others who will see your post and come to your aid.

@KelisI am so sorry you found yourself in this situation and I am really sorry to hear about your dad health issues. this site is not very active so I recommend to join some FB groups. definitely @Roberto @Simon_in_Recovery @Chandon @Jmpc68 are quiet active members and can help you with some resources etc. if u need to talk I am here as well

I really get you with this. But it isn't your fault. It's not because there is something wrong with you. It's not because he dislikes you. It's an addiction, plain and simple. Reading this forum I can see the same patterns I and so many others have dealt with over the years. They just can't help themselves. Never, ever feel ashamed of what someone else does behind your back. And the stupidest thing is, they think we have no idea. Even when they know we know. They are like drug addicts or alcoholics pretending they are cured. I wonder if any of the forum SA would enlighten us as to the thought process? It would help me to stop having that niggle that it's because I am fat, middle aged, have short hair, etc. It's not. We could be the most beautiful people in the world; even be P stars and they still wouldn't watch our movies and their secret live would still be far more intoxicating to them, despite them feeling ashamed, sick angry, etc., afterwards. I have waffled on about my partner because I have let everything out now I have found I am not alone. I still love him, despite everything. But do what is right for you. 🙂

@nbucket All very true. But please realise some of us partners are actually men - it's not just women who end up the partner of a sex addict.

I’m hoping that those suffering from Sex and Pornography addiction on here may be able to offer me some insight. I feel like I’m really struggling to understand what my husband has done. How he kept so many secrets from me when our relationship seemed so loving and beautiful! I really want to know what he was thinking when he made visits to a sex worker. What the trigger was at the time. But he is really struggling to do this. It makes me question everything. I’m just trying to understand it all. The betrayal is so painful 😢

I know this an old thread but thought I’d reignite it. I practically grew up and learned everything I know about sex from porn. Within the last few years it changed into chat sites too and that where my relationship started to fail. My wife felt rejected by my lack of interest in her sexually, ive now learned the impact porn has had me. You brain on porn explains it really well! P.I.E.D is a horrible thing for both partners it I’ve been off it now for 110 days and things are returning to normal . I know longer have to fantasise about porn to perform. It takes time but the brain can heal itself. And with effort the relationships too can heal.

Bean86 , I found out [ because I turned into a paranoid detective ] now week ago today my husband has been watching porn , web sex and joining swinging sites for over a year. He wasn't interested in me sexually for a long time and gave every excuse under the sun. It made me feel disgusted in my body and my appearance. His ex wife rang me and explained this had destroyed their marriage of 20 years and she divorced him when the children where really young as she caught him inviting couples round o the house to watch them having sex. I am traumatised and about to start therapy for PTSD. When I say I cried for 6 days solid , I literally did. And I haven't eaten a single meal for a week. But I KNOW in my mind I can't hurt myself like this anymore. I love him yes, but I have to think of my well being, and that of our three daughters who are in their 20's and need to feel safe with men when they come to have long term relationships. Its my duty to show them you can find good and honest partners who won't lie, cheat, expose you to behaviours that I find abhorrent. I am not a prude and if that what my husband wants he should find someone who has the same tastes as him. Pretending to me he is someone he isn't is cruel and selfish. I would never have given him a second look all those years ago had I known. this is the hardest things I have ver done in my life but have to move forward and build a new life without this distress and heartache in it. take care all , please message me if you want to talk cx

Thank you Kaykay and Ginny. I took a break from forums and reading constantly about this addiction. But feel I need to catch up again with others stories. It seems I am the only one on this forum in my position, with the police being involved. As my husband cannot be home, and with the added complication of covid, we have only met 3 times in 13 months. For less than an hour in total. I am so scared to be seen with him. We talk on the phone, but not very often either as it is too upsetting. I am having therapy with a StopSO therapist, as is he. I find that useful to help process the many thoughts and emotions. I feel so angry that the vigilantes have taken away my right to talk face to face with my husband of 40 years and have made everyone aware of his actions. It’s so very difficult to navigate this new world I find myself in.Friends have been incredibly supportive to me, but I still feel like I have lost a part of me and that my life is incomplete. The police are taking so long, until they do their job I and everyone else will never know the reality, and cannot move forward in any way. It is torture. All because of a porn addiction, if it was more acknowledged then maybe he would have sought help? Maybe I would have seen the signs? He has had a physiological evaluation which shows no attraction to children. However, he was attracted to sex and has met with prostitutes and women from chat rooms. I now believe the internet to be a dangerous place and an enabler for sex addicts to have a very private life. It has certainly destroyed mine. We should be celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary soon. I am heartbroken. I gave my all to him. And am left alone.

Sorry to add on a more positive note I’ve been so preoccupied with all of the other issues I’ve not had time to worry about him, it’s almost 6 months since I found out and I’m fairly certain he never progressed from watching porn as he’s too afraid of technology to do anything else and I have always had access to his email and the mobile phone bill comes to me. That’s doesn’t mean I’m not appalled he could damage our relationship, betray my trust and make the choice to watch in the first place but the advice on here to take one day at a time has helped me hugely and I’m very very grateful for the friendship and opportunity to vent. Thank you all xxx

Hi ElleS. I'm new here too. Welcome to the forum. There is so much good advice, and much more importantly, understanding on here. It's worth its weight in gold. I hear you about violence being easier to explain. I told my husband I wished he was an alcoholic (obviously I don't) but the secrecy is such an added burden. I know even my closest friend would be shocked, and unable to keep it to herself, so it all gets bottled up. As far as anyone knows it was a one night stand and we're having counselling for it. What no-one sees is the deep despair that in fact it's something that has been going on for years and I have no control over. I too have teen/twenties children and I sometimes have to bite my tongue in case I scream at them "Your father's a bloody sex addict". I find it so hard because we separated for nearly a year, but the kids seem to think I'm overreacting to be so upset over a 'one-off'. So I'm the bad guy, So glad I've found here to vent on. I cried writing my first post a few days ago, but all I've found is understanding and support. I'm sure you will too. Take care of yourself x

Hi Sunflower. Polygraph just finished. They came to the home to do this and it took about 3 hours. I should get the results tonight. You get 3/4 questions, aimed at a "no" response so question phrasing is really important but they supoprt you in this. I gave my husband 4 opportunities before full disclosure finally came out. I based my questions around what I had been told. As I am prepared (at this point anyway) to support him and move forward in our relationship and I am hoping that a: he wouldnt have been sooo stupid as to have agreed to a polygraph test if he wasnt telling the truth and more importantly b: that I can handle it if he has been lying again.

Rose, Thank you again. Yes, knowing someone has heard me has made such a difference. I still have days of bursting into tears with no warning, even this far on. Feeling that this is okay meant a lot. Everyone here seems to be back to normal family life, and I have this weight I'm always carrying round which I can't seem to shake off. Although I trust my husband, things will never be the same. He says they are better now, but that's because he has no more secrets and is moving forward. I, on the other hand feel he has just shifted his weight on to me. I know things I can never unknow, and I don't want to! I'm still working on that. I hope your trauma passes more smoothly. It is a trauma, and it won't get better overnight, but I have just started looking at other peoples stories, and you are right, there is a lot of good advice and genuine caring on this forum so I hope you get comfort on your own journey. Take care x

Hi all, I am new to this forum. I discovered my partner's deception on 1/6. My first response was to ask him to leave that day, but he crumbled in front of my eyes, and I realised he wasn't safe to be out in public/drive etc. Anyway, some months on, he is getting help from SLAA and from a really good therapist. I see how hard he is working, and I am proud of him for that, but I am raging inside, because all of his recovery talk is totally self-absorbed. There is little or no recognition that there are two of us going through this. Everything I have read about sex addiction (A LOT since the beginning of June!) talks about being patient with your addict partner and offering him the support he needs, but none of the literature I have read directed at addicts talks about being patient with us, and offering us support! He "slipped" last weekend, has apologised, and now I am supposed to move on from that. I am torn between pride and hope in his recovery, and rage at his utter selfishness. I feel trapped by my compassion for him. I feel as if my pain is too much for him to handle, alongside his own, so I have to look to friends, my therapist, and now this group, for support, all of which is good, but there is a place that only a partner can fill, and that place is devoid of anything but his pain and his need at the moment. How do the rest of you cope with the self-absorption, firstly of the addiction, and then of recovery? I just want to shake him and say, "what about me?"

Hello IamEnough, really nice to hear from you - it means a lot that you’re thinking of me and the rest of us. I check the forums regularly but don’t always feel in a place where I can put thoughts down in writing. I’m having an odd time at the moment where in some ways I feel a lot better but I’m also struggling to keep traumatic thoughts and images from invading my space. I feel like my relationship is improving in the ‘now’ but it’s so hard that no amount of improvement can negate the past. Finding a way to live with it is going to be hard, and I don’t know for certain that there isn’t more to be revealed. I also worry that I am a mug for staying with someone who has treated me like this - I think this is compounded by the fact that I was seeing a great but non-SA therapist at the time of discovery who I feel saw me as a codependent and was trying to influence me to leave. Hope that you’re doing ok at the moment. And would be lovely to hear from everyone else too if you’re feeling up to checking in.

My husband was sent to boarding school in UK from Iran at 8 years old but his sister stayed at home., he travelled alone and he’s 66 so it was far different to travelling today. He compartmentalises issues particularly those which are unpleasant or emotive and this is undoubtedly as result of being sent away at such a young age. . He’s watched online porn for about 5 yrs after he retired while I still worked but didn’t masturbate it take it any further; he said boredom was the trigger and I believe him. He’s not on social media and technically inept so I set up his email and help with any computer stuff. He’s only ever used his iPad to view and I have turned on parental controls so it’s inaccessible. Bizarrely as it seems I feel lucky in comparison to other partners although totally devastated. He’s the perfect husband, dad and grandad in all other respects . We’re struggling but determined this won’t define us.

Yes I agree. I’m always checking so please post whenever you need to. It is a tough time to face, but we can support each other xx

Thank you Tina. It certainly helps to hear other partners share their feelings. You are right about it damaging our mental health. I question everything now! How could I have absolutely no clue, no idea that this was going on? It’s hard to put that aside as it is hard to put aside the betrayal. Sometimes I feel that I will never recover from it. I have such a deep sense of loss! But you are right in that we have to look to the future. If we don’t do that, then there’s really no point in continuing in the relationship. But our addicted partners have their part to play too. They have to show us that change is happening, and with complete openness and honesty. I have found the Paula Hall books crucial to my understanding of SA and I think they will play an important part in our recovery....

I’m in a similar position - though in the daytimes I’m pretty good as distracting myself and focusing on the ways in which my partner’s strengths and the ways he is making progress. But late at night and early in the morning I get visited by imagining the betrayals and thoughts of how could be possibly treat me like this and put my health/life in so much danger if he is supposed to love me. It’s really difficult to fit all of the information into one person. I also worry that if I focus too much on the positives I am colluding with the ‘perfect’ persona when I feel like the key to things becoming different is him accepting and integrating the different parts - good and bad - to become a whole person who has genuine control over themself.

I though you might want to hear about my experience, but this is just what I found useful, and it may not be helpful for you. We all have different experiences and are in different places. I found our first anniversary after discovery very difficult, too - I'm sure everyone must share that feeling. However, we had already decided to stay together and that we would work together to deal with his addiction (you may not be at that stage, or may be thinking of separating). I have to say that with him, there wasn't a 'just once' discovery - there were several minor discoveries and partial confessions on his part before the big one. So when we got to our anniversary, we had already been through a few cycles of discovery, confession and starting over. At first, I thought I wanted to ignore the anniversary, but realised that family and friends would be sending us cards etc, so it would be hard just to pretend it did not exist. Having decided to stay in the relationship, I decided I would put some time and effort into looking back over our time together and identifying all the good times we had enjoyed and the good things we still shared. I found it hard to do, but at the end of the process, I realised that we had a lot that was worth celebrating and a lot that was worth saving. We kept the anniversary fairly low key (just the two of us at home with a nice meal and a bottle of wine), but used it as an additional opportunity to talk honestly about what had happened and how we would go forward. We both shed a lot of tears. We've had a few bumps in the road since then, but my partner has kept moving forward and has continued to work to leave his addiction behind him. Anniversaries are different now - they used to be just a celebration, but now they are a chance to take stock of where we are, what we are doing well and what needs more work. Life after discovery is never the same as life before, so it is not surprising that celebrations now are different to how they were in the past (just different, not necessarily better or worse). If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to accept that this anniversary and future anniversaries will be different. What they look like is down should be whatever feels right to you. If you want to ignore the day, or spend the day in bed, or go out and give yourself a treat just for you, or do something with you partner, then just do it. Just make sure you take care of yourself and get through the day in one piece.

Hello, Welcome here. I didn't watch the video but the topic of masturbation is an interesting one. Often guys on reboot forums will encourage a period of abstinence after you've decided to be free of porn. In my experience, this can help decouple the body's natural physical urges from the purely mental/emotional and dopamine based urges. For me, these two became totally cross wired when I was a porn user and it is near impossible to tell them apart without a lot of improvement of your self-awareness. That is why guys like Bean will say they have a massive high sex drive - actually what is going on is they have a massive high urge to use porn which is something very different. I used porn long enough that I honestly had no idea what my real sex drive was and it took me a lot of clean time to work that out. It gets very very confused. So I definitely don't want to discourage you because I think there are many valuable lessons to be learned about yourself from this. However one thing I disagree with is the notion of needing massive willpower. This is a a big fallacy in my experience and does not work for several important reasons. This approach of The Willpower Method is what nearly everyone tries when they first encounter this problem. I did, most do. The basic approach goes something like this: if I can hold out long enough then the desire to use porn will go away. But you are fighting with an addiction here. It is rather like saying, if I can hold my breath long enough then the desire to breathe will go away. No it doesn't, you would just pass out even if you could. And the same thing happens if you use this method with porn. It creates a sense of deprivation and because of that is doomed to failure. If you believe you are still getting something - anything at all - out of the porn, then why deny yourself? So The Willpower Method itself is like saying, "I will deny myself this (precious) thing porn I crave and if I am strong enough, then I will be cured." But how do you know your willpower holds? Only when it doesn't. So you're going to be strong willed for what? A week? A month? A year? Keeping on denying yourself the porn you still remember as being so much fun or giving you some benefit... ? What do you think non-porn users do (people who have never had our problem)? They sit there all day thinking "I must not look at porn today... I must have more willpower"??? No. They get on with their lives, and you will too. This is why I think The Willpower Method does not work - it reinforces the sense of denial and deprivation strongly, because part of you still feels entitled. The mental brainwashing is still firmly in place. Or worse, I would go around moping and being irritable or miserable because I "can't" use porn (says who?), which usually leads to more stress, confrontation and back to porn again. It is the pathway to failure. I speak from experience. InsteadI would encourage you to explore your addiction more. By any and all means necessary. Really look hard and detailed at what you do when you use porn and why. This may take you weeks or months but this is really where you are best off investigating your willpower. I would not even necessarily tell you to stop using before then but it is good if you can. The main thing here is look at every single possible "positive" thing you think you get from porn and then destroy that reason, research it, learn, find alternatives - whatever you need to reverse all that brainwashing. Read more books, websites, do therapy etc. Only when you have destroyed and annihilated every reason to use porn will the desire be gone. Then you can accept it is doing absolutely nothing whatsoever for you, and instead celebrate and rejoice every single beautiful day of your life where you are no longer punishing yourself with this self-inflicted slavery to porn and masturbation. Peace