Leaderboard

Hi all I hope life is treating you all a little kinder? So here I am 12 months from DDay when my life imploded, so I thought I would give you all an update to where I am in my recovery journey. This past year has probably been the most difficult time I have ever endured, and I honestly feel that I wouldn’t have survived without all the help and advice along with the kind and loving words from so many people, especially @Chandon@Milena@Roberto@Simon_in_Recovery who took me under their wings right at the beginning of my discovery. You all made me realise that despite my pain and feelings of unworthiness that I had value. To each and everyone who has ever reached out I thank you all from the bottom, middle and top of my heart. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride with so much pain and anxiety. But I have found it true what others who have gone before have said, and that is you can find some happiness amongst the pain and it is possible to not only survive but also thrive. I have discovered so much about myself, I am definitely much more resilient than I thought, I feel I have so much more wisdom now, more empathy and strangely more love. I have read more books and listened to so many podcasts, tons of webinars, therapy etc than I ever thought possible but without me doing the work on my own recovery I know I never would have healed. Me and hubby are still together, he has continued to do his work, no slips or relapses. He is still getting therapy (fortnightly now) and does at least 1 SAA meeting a week. He still believes that the Pivotal from @Paula Hallwas the most powerful tool he had. He’s on his fourth go around with it as he feels there are many benefits with keeping it up. I honestly wish there was something out there like it for the partners of sex/porn addicts especially right at the beginning of discovery. Life isn’t perfect but nor is anyone’s? There are still moments, eg every anniversary that came and went had a slight sting but I promise if you look after yourself and make your healing a priority the blips and pain don't last as long. You have the power to heal yourself if you use every resource available to you. Yep I know we didn’t cause it, but if you were hit by a bus through no fault of your own and broke your leg you would go to hospital to get fixed and this is exactly the same except for your mental health. I would never advise anyone that leaving or staying is what they should do, no 2 people or 2 relationships are the same. I can only say that for me, my life is good again and my marriage is thriving and happy. The no rash decisions for 6-12 months is honestly great advice. Obviously I like everyone else, do not know what the future holds, but I do know I’ve got the tools and a fire in my belly to have an amazing life and I sincerely hope with all my heart for peace and happiness for each and everyone of you xxx

Hey everyone, I’m a few days after discovery that my partner of 17 years has been having sec with prostitutes for he says about 4 years but I think it could be the whole time we were together and maybe earlier? He’s also a porn addict apparently. I found out when going through his phone and then I got a call my Dad had a heart attack, so I had to focus on that, I’m really struggling to cope and feel very overwhelmed, we have 4 children all under 5! I just quit my job to be a housewife, I’m numb then angry, then so sad. I haven’t eaten since Monday and I’m exhausted. I have to hide it all and look after my dad and the kids and he gets to play victim and go to therapy. Im so lost and reading these stories just makes me think to get out and run for the hills because the thought of going through this again and again is basically hell. I’m 38, maybe I can rebuild a life, I have no idea but I feel like this is going to push me into some kind of breakdown or make me do things i regret out of trauma and revenge. Lost.

So sorry you are going through this. I would only repeat the great advice above. I'm 6 months from finding out and understanding your feelings so clearly. Try to take care of yourself the best you can, don't put pressure on yourself to make any decisions right away. I promise things will start feel better, it just takes time and for the shock of the trauma to settle. I didn't think I could get through it when it happened to me, but I did and I'm out of the other side. You will get through this too. Paula Hall's book for partners is a resource I recommend and reading it helped me a lot. But I know it's very early days so again no pressure to do anything too difficult right now. Consider seeking out a therapist who is trained to deal with betrayal trauma, I've found so much support from mine. I've had great support from people on here, so please know that we are all here for you. Take care and sending you lots of love and strength xx

Hello Tracey, It’s so sad to hear the despair in your message. I’m 17 months into this and I can remember all the feelings of desperation you describe. It does get better please keep in contact on this forum. It can take a while for people to respond but the support is amazing. You are hurt, wounded, betrayed and broken but I will put a lot of money on the fact that your partner didn’t do this to you. The wounds from the behaviour has hurt you but the need to act this way has nothing to do with you but from way back before he ever knew you. I found great comfort learning about Sex addiction and understanding it. I still have wounds and triggers and our relationship is forever changed but I promise you whatever happens it does get better. Message me if you are in need of any help. I’m happy to assist with your recovery. I found Dr Robert Weiss extremely supportive. Look online, YouTube and seeking integrity for podcasts and lots of free educational media. Wetonglen is an amazing resource for partners at many stages of recovery let me know if you want any more information. Don’t make any decisions yet. Do nothing but survive and take good care of yourself. It’s all about you for now. Get your life jacked on and float. You won’t feel this way forever I promise x You can leave , tell friends, ruin everything at anytime but don’t do it hot headed and regret it later. Wait until things settle as you may feel differently in a few months.

Dear all who read, I've been active on here for a while. I've received some beautiful advice and I've tried to give some. I feel my time on here has come to a natural end and I'm all but certain that others will take up the various roles in the forum, mine included. It's been quite the 18 months in my life but I wouldn't change it for the world. My husband and I are in a better, more honest place. I realise some criticise SAA but it's been v positive for him. Therapy, too, has been super helpful, although we had false start with the 'wrong' therapist. My advice here would be if you're not looking forward to the weekly sessions to seek someone new. My parting gift is a link to this podcast with Rae Maté, Gabor Maté's wife of over 50 years. Rarely could you wish to meet a more open and realistic couple. The site won't let me post it, but if you search 'Rae Maté Harvest' on Spotify, you'll find it! Thanks for all the help and wisdom here - you absolutely helped me to navigate the most difficult time in my life. Take care of you and go gently, Roberto.

Thank you all for your replies. It can feel such a lonely journey. It's good to hear @Chandon you and your partner have done the course through the Laura centre I will be taking part in the partners workshop and my husband has contacted the centre in a veiw to do the residential workshop. I have been reading lots of posts on here which have also been very helpful and I don't feel so a lone or desperate anymore

Hello @GGB70, It can be a quiet forum at times, but the advice is almost always sound. I'm sorry you feel you've been left alone. There are lots of us. @Jmpc68has said it all. The first priority must be you. Do whatever you need to get yourself through the day. My husband has not done Pivotal but is with SAA. He's completed the 12 steps and is now the sponsor of another addict. The shock you're experiencing is the discovery that someone you thought you knew is not how you saw them. It does get easier, but not for a while. Just take one day at a time.

So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery. I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple. I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next. The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too. I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible. Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can. xx

Many thanks for your input on this. I'm just going to add a bit to this thread in case anyone else comes here and reads this. So this is a 1 month (ish) UPDATE. It's definitely a struggle to not go back into bad habits, and I'm not clear of it yet. I'm plagued by internet adverts for ladies clothes that I searched for. It's hard to get rid of those! Also, when asleep, dreaming about things can also be a trigger. But, overall I feel I'm on the right track. I love the idea of getting 'out there' and meeting someone. I definitely feel ready to engage in a real relationship, maybe for the first time ever. I hit many hurdles in my daily life. I work as a performing musician, and seem to have had problems with heatlh. Aching joints, tinnitus etc. All things to stop me moving forward, and each time the temptation is to dive straight back into my old sexual fetish and crossdressing habits. The idea being to 'take the pressure off'. Why would it of this? Because then, I wouldn't need to actually deal with LIFE. LIFE does throw up obstacles, and we have to resolve and conquer them. I think part of my issue is a type of 'SELF SABOTAGE' , and each time I make some progress there is a voice inside saying 'this won't work'. It's like a self esteem problem. I believe some of the issues I have come from this. Certainly the health issues, yes I DO have some health problems but they can be viewed in a different way. They don't have to be like a brick wall the can't be passed. But I'm sure the self-esteem/ self sabotage also plays a part in the sex behaviour too. Anyway, to finish off I'll say I'm trying to see life in a more positive way. Health issues just become something to work around (often to a better solution), and sex issues are seen as a manifestation of me trying to avoid connecting with people (which deep down I AM ready to do).

I just thought I'd say 'hi' and share my story so far. I'm doing 'this' solo, so I figured that posting here occasionally with an update would help with this. Hope this is an okay use of the forum. I'm 45. I can trace when I first got hooked on porn (and everything that followed) back to pre 2000, when my housemate got his first computer. I sat down at it and, well, it went from there. I remember trying to find excuses to use his PC. Deleting the history and blaming some tech problem as the reason that he'd lost all his recent browsing links. This repeated itself with another housemate, who had a faster PC and was out more often. Eventually I ended up with my own PC and I think that's where those neural pathways really started to develop. Nuts that this was 23 years ago. Since then, my addiction (I now realise what it is) has spiralled through endless hours and years of browsing, massive financial costs as I bought new subscriptions, and in later years 'toys', costumes and more. This would be such a kick for a short time, but I'd soon get that clarity and guilt and throw them in the bin, only to buy more a few weeks later. The amount of money I've wasted is unfathomable. Hours just slip away when deep in an acting out binge. "I'll just have a quick look..." and before I know it, it's been 12 hours or more since I logged on and it's dawn. Cue a day of sleep feeling terrible through sleep deprivation, cancelled work, cancelled appointments... etc. It's true too that you just need 'more' each time. Either more f*&cked up porn, bordering on stuff that you're questioning the legality of (and if you're unsure on this, then surely that's a 'stop' by default, to a non-acting-out mind anyway). I'm straight, I think, but it even went into same sex stuff, meets in the woods... endless. Anyway, this could go on and I've literally described the tip of an iceberg. I've tried not to be specific, to not trigger others. As for the relationships that this has no doubt affected, and the multitude of neuroses that years of acting out has embedded.... who knows. But I'm done with this nonsense and this time it's different (who's said that before?! - I know I have!). I've never made it onto a programme though. I'm on day 5, or is it 6, of the Pivotal Course and I'm determined. Lets hope that stays strong. It's great to know we're not alone out there. Big love to you all. D

Hi I found your post to be very emotional and truthful and I felt so sorry that you’re going through this. I agree you ARE NOT a bad person, people are capable of doing bad things but that doesn’t have to define you! I feel that SAA could be the right path for you, my husband found that the fellowship there to be amazing aid in his recovery. To be able to connect with others who will support and listen without judgement or condemnation is a blessing and you deserve to have that support. Also please look at doing the Pivotal via the Laurel Centre, my husband said it made such a difference to have the understanding and wisdom that Paula brought to him. I wish you all the very best in forging ahead in your recovery and I truly believe you have the ability to succeed if you are willing to do the work.

Thank you for your response Jmpc68. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I think he and I need to have a good talk and I need to get better at communicating what my boundaries are and what is acceptable to me within our relationship, one of those things being honesty from his side regarding how his recovery is going. Like I said, I know he has been working extremely hard on this and he does talk about the program often but not necessarily how his journey is going. It’s not so much that I am scared of him acting out, it’s more being lied to and kept in the dark as I have found things out many many times before and always left feeling stupid for letting my guard down. When he did used to tell me about slips and relapses I did feel better because i felt like he had broken the cycle of lying to me. I agree with what you’ve said about blind faith not proving to be successful in the past. On the odd occasion we do fall out and I’m feeling rattled by gut feeling, I go very quiet and when he asks me I explode and I realise this isn’t a very grown up/helpful way to communicate myself. Very inner child driven behaviour which I am working on. Thanks again for getting back to me.

Hello @hurting-, There's always hope. There's always hope because we always have ourselves to nurture and we live in an amazing world. Unfortunately, the people you and I both trusted have let us down in the worst way imaginable. There are some wonderful and wise people on here and I think we've been a genuine help to each other. They will tell you that the number one person to look out for here is YOU. Whatever happens, your needs go to the top. You've been badly hurt and you should do whatever you need to look after you. I've been given a new lease on my life since my husband admitted a sex addiction (I'm in a same sex relationship, just to be clear). I've had 12 months of therapy so far and it's been the best thing I ever did. I'm encouraged to seek out new interests and new people. Addiction is something which stops us from living a life free of it. I would suggest it's worth your partner seeking counselling to start with. Porn is most certainly highly addictive. Potentially you, he and a therapist need to discuss whether one visit to an escort is an addition or just a bad choice. As hard as it is to understand, just because he visited an escort doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Human beings are v unreliable and scree up all the time. Unfortunately both you and I have been affected by this. Most people on here will also tell you that Sex Addicts Anonymous SAA is an amazing organisation, should your partner decide he needs such help.

Hello @Sue26, My husband is also with SAA (which, hilariously, I always think refers to South African Airways...I have to find humour somewhere!). It's been by far the best thing he's done. He enjoys the meetings and now helps to lead them. He has a fantastic sponsor. I'll admit that I'm a little aghast that your husband is looking to work the steps in 5 weeks. What's the rush? My husband has taken about 12 months to reach step ten...so, more or less, working a step a month. He meets with his sponsor once a week. Recovery is not a one-off event. It's about examining yourself and developing habits which will hopefully last a lifetime. I can, indeed, understand why your husband wants to work them so fast. When mine first started going, I wondered if we would ever go out on a Friday night ever again, or would I spend the rest of my time waiting outside a church with the dog to pick him up! There is an excellent system of phone-in meetings on offer as well. He's done more of those than the in person ones. Is it working? Yes. I think so. My husband also struggled with the spiritual component but my advice would be to basically just view it as an American vocabulary issue...whenever you read the word 'God' just replace it with 'light' or 'spirit'. SAA has been life-changing and, I'll admit, life-saving for my husband. But talk to him and ask him what's the hurry. Life is a journey, not a destination.

Hi there, I would like to share a little about the Recovery Journey that my husband and I are on. After our relationship disintegrated at the beginning of this year, I received a voluntary disclosure from my husband of 31 years that he had a Pornography addiction. It totally floored me and for a week we were both in turmoil. My life as I knew it was not real. The man I have known for 35 years was a stranger to me. Some days I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't eat, sleep or function. I was shocked, upset, saddened, angry, frustrated, confused and lonely. I felt as though I had lost my best friend, and had no one else to turn to as this is what seems to be the Last Taboo of addiction. After the first crazy week, we both started individual counselling with specialist therapists - and it has been pivotal in both individual recovery and that of us as a couple. We spent the first few months in a highly stressed, emotionally volatile state. There were no good days for a while, we just bumbled along not really knowing what was happening or would happen in the future, or what we wanted out of life. We both attended Laurel centre courses - which firstly enabled us to learn about this addiction, address the causes and practise solutions to problems. We also met other addicts and partners who were going through similar feelings so we didn't feel so alone. We both read many books and listened to many podcasts - i can highly recommend all of Paula Hall's books, also Dr Rob Weiss and Brene Brown - who is a fantastic speaker (she has done two podcasts on Apology which were life changing to us) Then eventually after about 5 months we had a one 'ok' day. Then after another month we had a few good days. We realised that we still loved one another and liked one another. The past few months we have started meditating together, playing board games together, listening to music together. Recovery for us is all about connection - with ourselves, each other, other addicts and other partners, as well as our family and friends. We are still very early on our journey, and I never thought that I would say this - but I am glad I am here now, still with my husband. Our relationship is so much better than it has ever been - we talk, listen, think, experience, laugh, cry, learn and hug together. Our life is vastly different to how it was before disclosure, and I am grateful to be in the position I now find myself in. There is hope if you both want to heal, and if you are both prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. xx

@Milena My experience has been like a rollercoaster, unless your partner is fully committed to their recovery there most likely will be relapses. I’ve been lied to, been promised it will never happen again so many times but addicts lie and I’ve learnt to look at actions rather than listening to their words as it doesn’t mean anything unless they take action. My partner has been going to 12 steps for 2 years for drug use as he has issues with chemsex where there is some overlap. He has had some therapy but after recent relapse has actually started working the steps. He complains about it a lot so I don’t know how much it’s helping but at least it’s making him slightly more self aware. I’m not sure how much more I can take so I’m really focusing in my own recovery and less on what he does now. In my own recovery I have started looking within and there are issues from my childhood and my attachment style that is holding me in this situation. The more I learn and understand the more I feel stronger to detach. The last thing I want is to leave this relationship and end up with another SA, it happens!

Hi @Abcim a little further on than you and what I can tell you is that his therapist is giving him bad advice. As a betrayed partner the wayward should be doing anything and everything that you need at this moment. There should be no limits on what you need answers too. You have the right to access his phone, laptops, bank accounts or whatever else. If you request him to dye his hair blue and wear a purple bow tie then that is what he should be doing. As for any form of physical intimacy that is not for your partner or his therapist to decide, this is yours and only your decision, do not be pressurised to do anything. You need to feel safe and this is not helping you to get over your trauma. You must not listen to what your partner has to say he may even be gaslighting or manipulating you. Speak to your own therapist who is going to be there for just you. Couples therapy is far too early yet. He has to prove he is doing the work in recovery, not in the hope of reconciling but in the hope of getting sober. Please listen to someone who has been in your shoes, you cannot and are not responsible for his acting out or his recovery. Get yourself better first, think only of your own recovery and leave him to get on with his. This is the hardest thing you will do but believe me it has been proven time and time again that if you try to aid in his recovery yours will suffer. Take care hun and if you need any help please reach out.

Nope the first thing you need to know is that this has nothing to do with you. You are in no way responsible for his acting out. I recommend that if therapy is too expensive for him to attend more frequently that he gets in touch with SAA and starts meetings whether online or face to face. Your responsibility is to you and you only, you must look after yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping. This addiction is his and his alone, it is his recovery and as much as you want to help him, you cannot. You can be supportive but must not try to do the work for him. It is very likely that his addiction started at a very young age as a coping mechanism (self soothing) to cope with trauma of some type. You yourself are also now coping with betrayal trauma and must concentrate on your own recovery. Do not accept his projection of guilt and shame as a way to gain your empathy, if he his struggling then he needs to find an accountability partner to talk HIS issues through with, which again he will find via SAA. It is not your place to make him feel better when you are suffering yourself. If you need any help with finding resources please reach out, and keep in touch. This site can sometimes be quiet but there are others who will see your post and come to your aid.

@KelisI am so sorry you found yourself in this situation and I am really sorry to hear about your dad health issues. this site is not very active so I recommend to join some FB groups. definitely @Roberto @Simon_in_Recovery @Chandon @Jmpc68 are quiet active members and can help you with some resources etc. if u need to talk I am here as well

I really get you with this. But it isn't your fault. It's not because there is something wrong with you. It's not because he dislikes you. It's an addiction, plain and simple. Reading this forum I can see the same patterns I and so many others have dealt with over the years. They just can't help themselves. Never, ever feel ashamed of what someone else does behind your back. And the stupidest thing is, they think we have no idea. Even when they know we know. They are like drug addicts or alcoholics pretending they are cured. I wonder if any of the forum SA would enlighten us as to the thought process? It would help me to stop having that niggle that it's because I am fat, middle aged, have short hair, etc. It's not. We could be the most beautiful people in the world; even be P stars and they still wouldn't watch our movies and their secret live would still be far more intoxicating to them, despite them feeling ashamed, sick angry, etc., afterwards. I have waffled on about my partner because I have let everything out now I have found I am not alone. I still love him, despite everything. But do what is right for you. 🙂

Hi @Rebuilding. Sorry. We're all sorry we're meeting like this. What I've learnt : 1) I didn't realise it, but I had a brand. I was the guy with the perfect everything. People came to me with their problems because my life seemed perfect. Admitting to a few close family and friends that it's not was hard, but I'm glad I did. It's helped me to realise that life can't be perfect because #humans and to relinquish my perceived control over it. You may not feel in a position to do that right now but it even helps to simply say the two of you are having troubles. You'd be surprised at how many people will open up to you and say the same. 2) I also couldn't help the feeling that my husband had tainted every single memory we had. Every time my computer coughs a up a pic from ten years ago, my first thought is always "He was doing it even back then". MY therapist has encouraged me to work towards accepting the death, the passing, of my relationship before D Day. That's helped. Clearly I'm dealing with the same person in my husband, but in some ways I'm not...it's someone new. And we've got to build something new if we want to continue on into the future together.

@RobertoI watched a documentary about Freddie Mercury the other night and it said very much the same thing, a child separated from their parents at such a young age is truly traumatic. You are both working so hard to overcome this nightmare and I wish you both the very best and hopeful that you will succeed.

@nbucket All very true. But please realise some of us partners are actually men - it's not just women who end up the partner of a sex addict.

Hi Tracy, Your post really resonated with me. I've only discovered this forum this morning and am still reeling from a similar discovery 2 weeks ago. You're not alone. I've found Paula Hall's book "Sex Addiction: the Partner's Perspective" really, really useful. My husband and I have both started individual therapy which is really beneficial - particularly for helping you deal with the betrayal trauma. I'm finding the hardest thing to deal with is feeling like the last 2 decades together have been a deceitful construction. My therapist has assured me that my husband is the same person I fell in love with, there's just a hidden side I don't understand (and he doesn't either!). For what it's worth (and as I say, I'm in the very early stages of discovery too), the advice I've received so far is: A) be kind to yourself, one day at a time B) don't make any big decisions for a few months C) focus on your own personal growth and self esteem D) get support, you need to offload E) acquire knowledge about the subject F) stay off the drink. I'm a daily gin drinker, but I've been avoiding alcohol since discovery. The last thing I need is to become dependent on it to control my mood (after all, that's where he's at, just with a different addiction). Plus I need to be able to drive away if I'm having a particularly bad reaction to a trigger. I've only just joined the page, but feel free to message. The grief, betrayal and isolation that partners feel with this addiction are heartbreaking and its good to offload and share xx

Hi @Tracyyou have received some brilliant advice from @Chandon The journey you have found yourself on is going to be the toughest you’ve ever faced but I can promise you that everyone here will do our best to support, advice and hopefully guide you. We have all had to educate ourselves on the subject of sex/porn addiction and it is mind blowing how prevalent it actually is. The one thing that will eventually give you comfort (it will take lots of time) is that this addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. Look at all the celebrities who are married to rich, beautiful and successful women who still have fallen into this addiction. Sex/porn addiction generally stems from faulty core beliefs that usually start in childhood, feelings of low self worth that allow this addiction to hijack their brains and self soothing from masturbation becomes their go to. Over time this no longer serves its purpose and escalates beyond their control and further risk taking is used until the dark passenger is now in control of their lives and it will do anything to prevent them gaining control and ridding themselves of this problem. Therapy and SAA are a must as it is not something they can control themselves. My husband found the Pivotal from Paula Hall to be his lightbulb moment. Please look after yourself, eat properly, sleep is a priority along with getting yourself some therapy. You are suffering from betrayal trauma and likely will have PTSD symptoms which you need to address. Please reach out if I can be of any help, sending you lots of love and hugs and please continue to visit here whenever possible.

Hi @FlothebeagleI agree with @Chandon as I am also in a similar situation. My husband did not have gay sex but everything else is a carbon copy of your relationship. I have spoke to men who are sex addicts who have turned to gay sex and the common reason given was accessibility and also that money didn’t change hands so it was easier due to shared finances. Your priority at this moment is you, you cannot afford to worry about his recovery as it isn’t something you have control of (believe me I know how hard it can be), it’s natural to want to know what they are doing, where they are going. But that will be to your detriment, focus on yourself, eat well, exercise, even if it’s just going for a walk. Get as much rest as you’re able. Spend time with friends, family (you don’t need to tell them what is going on in your relationship if you decide not to) but finding joy and some happiness will be of comfort to you. You can support him and help him find resources eg therapy SAA but you can’t make him use them if he doesn’t want to. As Chandon says stay, leave, in-house separation aren’t things to prioritise at the minute, 6-12 months before making any major decisions was the best advice I ever received. My husband and I are still together after discovery January 2023, it has been the hardest year of my life but we are now happy again. The fact I now have the choice to stay based on knowledge and not from being lied to and manipulated is something I’m proud of, it takes just as much courage to stay as it does to leave. Im here if you need any advice or help on what worked for me. Take care and sending lots of your way.

Thank you for your replies. @Tammy if things were that simple. My husband was a porn addict long before we met and I do take no responsibility for it. @Jmpc68and @Chandonexplain it well. I discovered this more than a year into our marriage and soon after realized that he is faced with a much bigger and deeper problem than a simple desire to watch porn and being ashamed to admit it to his partner. He was in quite an escalated addiction stage and unable to even envisage stopping. I reached out for professional help as soon as I realized that it was an obsession, a compulsion and rather a mental than a physical need. Frankly, @Tammy, if we dealt with cases of occasionally watching porn secretly while being in a couple relationship, none of us would be here, right? In my note I was pointing out that this behavior coexists parallel to an apparent healthy everyday couple life as long as the addict goes out of his way to hide, lie, sneak etc his way through, in my experience and those of partners I have come across in my journey, an addict would have reached expert stage in manipulation but well, once you discovered the parallel truth, it becomes extremely complicated. The initial discovery is traumatizing, shocking, the new reality is very painful to face and it is not because I now know about your secrets that you will stop, if you like. The further lies and manipulation create ongoing pain and this is where there are two solutions, the partner walks away or the addict wants to get out of his/her addiction and can heal with a strong will and help and the couple can start the healing process (there is help). @Tammy, if my husband was let's say an alcoholic, what you suggest is that I share his drinks with him and all will be well.

@Beech12345 just keep being kind to yourself. There is no need to worry just yet about the future. Even tomorrow can at times feel a lifetime away, just concentrate on today and remember if today is a bad one, then the next maybe a little better. Just take it easy on yourself, work your own recovery, you have no control on how your partner works theirs, but you can get yourself to a better place so that dealing with this trauma becomes more bearable.

Dear Runner, my heart goes out to you. I have been living with a porn addict for many years and he is still a porn addict. He owns his problem(s) and I cannot influence if he choses to do endless recovery work and be honest vs himself and others (well, me and his porn addicted accountability partner) or if he allows himself to give in to the daily temptations which are endless and easily available all around him. Life was a lot easier, care free and peaceful before I found out what is really going on in his life. I should of course say ever since he came into my life but I want to only imply the expert hiding. I think that today, I have a better understanding of him than he does, well I can see it from the outside sometimes and am not afraid to look into the eye of the truth. I have heard a lot of promises and lies, probably more of the latter and it is very hard to be the partner of someone who sexualizes aspects of life where I see no sexual temptation. It is encrusted in him and despite therapies and other recovery work he still not clean. You end up giving up a lot of good moments worrying or being hurt about someone else's behaviour or licking your wounds after another discovery or admission. We cannot be therapists and partners. There is only so much we can do to support the porn addict (or whatever you may want to name it). Unlike say a substance abuse, it is a very intimate and personal problem and will hurt. Like you probably, I married a man who has consumed porn extensively and lived in a big lie way before we met and I know it's got nothing to do with me and don't at all feel guilty about or feel responsible for it in any way. Even if I prevent him from having a regular sex life with me, as it turns me off to be intimate with some who has a ton of pn images in his brain. So yes, I think this personal aspect is very destabllizing, coupled with the lack of trust which is fundamental in a healthy relationship of any kind. So yes, I do find myself taking it personal too sometimes. And as a feminist and believer in gender mutual respect and equality, I hate it that my husband objectifies women whereas in "normal" routine life he would be ready to defend any woman's rights and doesn't come across as making a gender difference. This is already too long. You see, there is only one person I married and yet sometimes it feels like I'm living with different variants of one and the same man. I know the professional experts don't agree with me but I believe he has mental disorders, he cannot cope with the real world but it was never addressed as such in therapy. In my experience the porn addict will make efforts in stopping, even counting days trying to reach a time goal or some other thing like that, a huge struggle for them and from what I read only few will make it through. I suppose with porn, the shame is even bigger than say alcohol and drugs as far as their life partners are concerned because it is so.... intimate. Anyway, it is totally understandable to move forward to a better life without any guilt involved, you hadn't signed up for this, don't want and don't deserve it. I cannot imagine a porn addict telling his future wife about this as he cannot face the shame but that is no excuse for potentially bringing someone else down with them, so please don't feel guilty if you want to leave. I totally understand. There are couples separating every day for smaller reasons. All the best, whatever you decide.

I second Roberto’s comments. No one can tell you the answers you look for. You are advised to do nothing and see what happens because if this is an addiction the person you love has disappeared under overgrowth of irrational behaviour, pain , lies, fear and deception. As previously said if he does all the thing’s available and recovers and evolves into a better person you may regret walking away and telling everyone. You still can do this at anytime. However you are giving the relationship and yourselves the chance. When you discovered this previously analysis what you both didn’t do that allowed this behaviour to go on. If he is serious about recovering you will see it yourself.

Hi @hurting- everything @Robertosays here is spot on. Your pain is real and the trauma will take time to move through all the cycles of denial, hurt, anger, bargaining (eg well porn isn’t as bad as sex workers, one sex worker is better than 100) and over and over for quite some time. But as Roberto said at the moment it is about you caring for yourself and doing what you need for your safety. This can be open phone policy, including laptops etc. Access to financials and location sharing, basically whatever you need. Therapy, therapy and more therapy you need someone specifically a therapist who is knowledgeable about sex addiction. Educate yourself, Paula Halls book for partners, the betrayal bind by Michelle Mays. Podcasts by Robert Weiss and Wetonglen are all amazing resources. A lot of waywards have admitted that porn became no longer useful at filling the void that they had, insecurities about themselves which have usually arisen from childhood eg physical or emotional abuse, not having their childhood needs met. My husband progressed from porn to webcams, sex chats to masssges and sex workers and had suicidal thoughts himself. He swears that being discovered was probably the best thing that could have happened. He attends therapy and SAA meetings but he found the most useful thing on his journey was actually the Pivotal from Paula Hall, he said he was amazed at how she knew exactly what was going on in his head. He has been 7 months sober with no slips and relapses and bear in mind he had a 40 year plus addiction. The biggest factor is the addict must recognise they have a problem and want to change. It’s still early days for us but in answering your question. No you aren’t naive there are thousands of people who recover but the work must be done. Offer support but don’t try to do it for him. You make sure you care for yourself as you deserve good health and happiness regardless of what may happen in the future. Take care and feel free to reach out anytime x

@jt3Also worth mentioning, I remember reading in one of the many books I've read that it's vital that the addict recognise the fact that you've been living your addiction for years, possibly decades already. You're used to it. Whilst you might have hated yourself for it, you knew about it. To us, this is brand new. You tend year old secret (or however long) is fresh to us and we're still getting used to it.

Hi everyone. Im sorry for this long winded post but I really need advice as I have nobody to discuss this with. I am the betrayed spouse of a potential sex /love addict. Can anyone help me to determine if this story resonates as someone with an addiction or is this just serial cheating? I know it shouldn’t matter but the levels of deception are frightening and the shocking change in his personality leads me to believe there is some element of addiction to it. My husband (40) has always displayed a tendency of needing validation/attention from women. It started off over a decade ago with regular flirting that he had to be picked up on, lots of flirty texting other women, then a kiss on a night out with a number of women etc. This has developed over many years and culminated in an affair in 2019, which I did not find out about until 6 mths after it finished. I found various naked photos of the affair partner on our computer. At the time he admitted he has demons, sexual compulsions, a need for a sexual fix. After having sex with her, he usually wanted to leave as his fix had been sought. Fast forward 2.5 years to mid 2022, while still attending marriage therapy with me, he commenced another relationship. He downloaded a dating app and started a secret relationship with another woman. He told her his marriage is over and that he is separated for a number of years and he lies about all aspects of his life, including how many children he has. 9 months into this affair I found out about it. I called the affair partner and found out the truth and told her he is married etc.. He has since moved out and continued to see her. She forgave him for the lies and they are now in a relationship. However, he is telling me that he needs to “see out “ this relationship to understand why he is in it, what’s attracting him To it, why he keeps jeopardising his marriage and family life and whether his feeling for her are indeed real etc. He sees this as part of his journey to break the cycle of possible sex/love addiction. and he said he needs to be selfish and figure it out. Given the length of time he is seeing this woman he does now have feelings for her. So it has had a devastating impact on my family - we have 3 young children. He gets completely wrapped up in these fantasy relationships, and becomes infatuated/obsessed sending 100s of voice messages to the person if he feels he is losing them. He promised them the works and there is such s sense of desperation in his engagement with them (I have heard some of his voice messages and I don’t even recognise the person in them). Since discovering this latest affair, I have uncovered huge levels of deception, manipulation and he is completely cold with me. He is lying every time he speaks. It just switched this way as soon as I discovered the affair 10 weeks ago. He said he is in turmoil, and that none of it makes sense. He said he knows where his future lies, with his family. But that he needs to continue this relationship to understand where these compulsions are coming from and why he has got here. Im struggling greatly with this situation and 3 small children. Can anyone resonate with this story and help me understand what is going on? Thank you so much in advance 🙏🏼

Hi @Abc so sorry that you are going through this. I have been where you are at and my DDay was in May 2016, we’ve gone through periods of progress and relapses and it is exhausting. I’ve learnt that I cannot control my partner and I’m not responsible for his recovery. After the most recent relapse I have started going to COSA meetings. Seeking Integrity has lots of very useful webinars on YouTube. Michelle Mays is also in YouTube. All of the Paula Hall Books are very good. The Betrayal Bind Michelle Mays Intimate Deception Sheri Keffer Mending a Shattered Heart Stefanie Carnes Living with a Sex Addict Dr Linda Hatch Educate yourself as much as you can do so that you understand what you are dealing with. I’ve also started therapy alongside the 12 step cosa meetings. I found them strange and cultish at first but it has helped me to be able to connect with others who understand betrayal trauma without judgement and put myself instead of the addict first. Be kind and take care of yourself xoxo

@Jmpc68Morning! I've just taken your advice to grab the Robert Weiss podcasts! What a treasure trove - it does make one feel somewhat less alone. Cheers and have a great day!!

@Whattodoit seems that he hasn’t really got to the root of the problem. The addiction has to be fought on a daily basis and he has to really work at it and want to get sober. Your priority at the minute hun is you and your healing and boundaries need to be set to ensure your physical and mental wellbeing. It looks like he has made attempts in the past with battling this addiction but some addicts can be quite manipulative, telling people what they need to hear, this can include their therapists but unless they are honest with themselves as well as everyone who wishes to support them, the addiction will always win. There are a lot of us here who are working on reconciliation and general consensus is watch, wait and see for 12 months to give the addicts and relationships the time to see if there is hope for a future together. Sending lots of love your way x

@GemxWelcome to our club. Sorry you found your way here. My disclosure was in drips. At first I thought it was just porn and that he hadn't contacted anyone. Over a year later I find he's been visiting SW our entire relationship nearly 30 years and true to an addiction it esculates out of control. It is common for the most intense part of acting out to be the preparation. Looking at the sites, texting, getting address etc. Once the addict goes through the door many say the end is in sight and it can be disappointing. I've heard of many men who it's enough to limit things and not make physical contact. The most common advice is to get yourself safe. Be very careful who you tell. In a year from now things could be very different and you may regret being the subject of gossip. Reach out for information. People on here will support you. However better support can be found online. Message me if you want some pointers. I was told early on. Listen to what ever the addict tells you then double it. They even lie to themselves. My husband even deceived himself and minimised his behaviour. The addiction hyjacks the brain and absolutely anything is possible. It's absolutely awful in the early days but it does get better. Take care and keep in touch with those at the end of this thread. X

Hello @HHC Welcome the club! Sigh. YOu don't mention any signs that your husband thinks he has an addiction. Do you know what he thinks? Is he just a bad boy who was just doing it for kicks, as he said, or is he an addict i.e. unable to control his impulses to the point where they're getting in the way of everyday life? IF he's an addict and honestly wants to turn his life around, for my money I'd be wanting a commitment to therapy and to Sex Addicts Anonymous. he's got to do the work. It's a long, hard slog. It's requires a whole lot of effort and he's got to commit if he's a true addict. I do feel for you, in your current state. Do you have some friends and family you can lean on?

@Black CloudSnowflake nails it. I don't want to say what's right for me is necessarily right for you, but the first thing to remember is that NONE of this is your fault. Your partner can gaslight you all he wants, but you can hold your head up and tell him none of this is on you. Me personally, I would not endure being spoken to like crap. You're worth more than that. Recovery, in my experience, can only work if everyone is blatantly honest. This requires time and space to have honest conversations. His willingness to engage with this might tell you a lot.

Hi Black Cloud, So sorry you're going through this. And I totally understand about the not being able to tell family or friends about it. I haven't been on this forum for a long time, but your message came through to me and I'd like to help you feel less alone. I can only speak from my own experience, but I hope some of the following is useful to you. My husband met sex workers, but he also was adamant that 'he hadn't cheated'. In counselling it transpired he'd 'just' had hand jobs, so he could pretend to himself 'nothing really happened'. Is this possible in your case? We were still having a sexual relationship, and I also found some weird phone messages. He blamed me at first, threw absolute bile at me. We had the withdrawal and non communication too. Through counselling we have worked out that that was because he couldn't handle how he was feeling. So to push the blame onto me, it made him feel less guilt and less shame. But it was hell to go through. Especially as at the time he was in complete denial that he had a problem, so everything he did therefore had to be my fault somehow. We have had a couple of years of counselling since. Both separately and together. We separated for a year, during which time he joined Sex Addicts Anonymous and he worked through the 12 step programme. He is still doing this, and will probably do so forever. I find this a mixed blessing. Good in that he has shown he genuinely has/had an addiction and has taken full responsibility for what we went through, and can discuss in confidence his issues and recovery. Bad (and I can only say this here, not to him) in that I - probably wrongly - don't feel totally comfortable about him discussing us and doing his very personal shares with other sex addicts. We're a few years into this now. I can be truthful here and say things have changed. For him, he says it's so much better. Our whole relationship is open and there are no secrets, he feels like a weight has been lifted from him. He is certainly more like the person he was a long time ago, and I don't believe he keeps anything from me. BUT, if I'm honest, things will never be quite the same for me. There is a black space inside me because of what he did. I trust him 99%, and I don't think he'd ever hurt me again. But then I didn't believe he'd ever do that in the first place, so that 1% will always be there. We talk more, and there is more respect. However, sex for me will never be the same again. The first time we had sex after he came back all I could envisage were the bloody prostitutes. That's behind me now, but the intimacy will never quite be what it was. It's hard to explain, but we were very young when we got together, and had only ever been with each other. It's very old fashioned now, but in my mind that was always something precious - and that's gone. I think now we will continue as normally as possible. He knows there will never be another chance, and I think the 12 step is really helping him. If your husband is genuine, you'll know by how he tries to take responsibility himself for his problem. One of the hardest things is never having anyone to talk to. They can talk freely and daily if they wish in their group. I can't even mention it to family or friends as some would see it as gossip, and others wouldn't speak to him again. I feel like I have to protect him from others. I hope this has helped in some small way. Do what is right for you, no-one else. Take care, and good luck x

I second @Milena comments. If you are interested I can send you some groups that are helpful for support and some resources that may help you understand the addiction. It's hell in the first four months. I couldn't eat, sleep, stop crying or shaking. It does get easier I promise. The advice is be careful who you tell. I would recommend only those in the same situation. Give your relationship 12 months. It may look very different by then and if not you will be in a stronger state to make decisions or leave if you choose. Get talking to other betrayed partners either on this site or other forums. Get yourself in a safe situation. Tested for STIs. Therapy if you choose but it's recommended you wait a short while until the shock subsides so you can benefit. Ask me for anything. It's so lonely at first but I promise it's never going to be a club you want to be in but the other partners help make it bearable. @NotDaftis also correct in that if you read the posts going back over the last 5 years on this forum you will see the patterns you learn your partner has and discover much about his early life and maladaptive coping mechanisms he created to survive. Take care my love and reach out to us all x

@RebuildingI know we're faceless online people, but, you DO have us. I check this forum every few days, so reach out.

Hi @Chandon @Losingmyself and @Roberto I'm 2 months past discovery/confrontation and finding it really helpful to read all of your posts. I'm also throwing myself into books, research, podcasts etc... if you find anything useful please feel free to share! Some points from podcasts that I enjoyed recently: - find a village so you aren't everything to your partner / vice versa (this is a bit like Roberto was saying about focussing on yourself) - politeness and gratitude goes a long way when interacting with each other - don't aim for forgiveness, aim for ACCEPTANCE. "It happened [full stop]". Yes, partner did those things, (repeatedly), all of it was life, all of it happened. You learned from it (you didn't need it to learn!), BUT, everything is a teacher, an offering. Just accept it, don't expect to forgive it. What I am (still) struggling with is : 1) feeling that our life together, up until now, was all a "lie" as I was in the dark about what was going on and how I was being treated. 2) feeling alone in life (no one in real world knows), in that I sometimes doubt I can trust my partner so who do I really have to call upon if/when I would need to. I have learnt, and do know, is that I would be ok alone if we aren't able to get past this in 2/3/4 years time, but as Chandon said, it would break everyones hearts including our child, and obviously isn't my end goal. Hard to let go as Roberto says and leave it up to him/'his recovery is his problem', when I WANT him to "succeed" for my sake, for our family. Anyway, thanks for reading.... wishing you all a great day/week ahead xxxx

Hi everyone, thought I would share a happy/ success story ( if you can call it that . Im 27 got married 2 years ago when 4 weeks after marriage I had full disclosure on what had been going on for my exs entire life / 5 years we were together. I made the choice to leave it was horrible I remember being in the darkest place I have ever been . Was having therapy from Laurel centre weekly joined sex addiction anonymous for partners. Now 18 months later after the mess . I’m the happiest I have ever been . I know my faults that have helped facilitated his addiction and my own issues . I have moved on with my life and having fun dating , progressing at work , leaving friendships and making new friends even bought now own house !!! My advice to you is what would you tell your bestie to do , your daughter your most loved one ? Stay and be second best for the rest of your life ( that is the reality of addiction and they will always have that addiction at the end of there hand in a phone / tv / online etc etc ) or to put yourself first and walk out there and live your life and put yourself first !!! Don’t waste anymore of your life . I would hate for one of you to look back in 5 years 10 years and regret anymore. you can’t fix it , because it’s not yours to fix . I know others will say otherwise but this is the reality. good luck to you all I hope you all find happiness whatever that looks like for you . But whatever you do invest in yourself….and trust in your Gut !! You already know what to do , listen to you ! love H survivor not victim of a sex addicts partner x

Well after so long what a relief to find this website. In a nutshell, together with my husband for 44 years, 42 married, 2 beautiful daughters and 4 grandchildren. I always knew something wasn’t right, a year after we were married he was seen masturbating in car and police arrived at our door and he was given a warning. I didn’t quite understand, I was 21 and so much in love. He was a strange character, struggled to communicate and couldn’t handle any kind of confrontation, so he would just leave and go back to his parents regularly. When our youngest daughter was 18 months old I filed for divorce on the grounds of emotional abuse, he begged me not to go through with it, I didn’t, big mistake. He is not a bad person on the contrary everyone who knows him thinks he’s wonderful, he tells me constantly how much he loves me and couldn’t live without me. Working with children who have special needs for over 23 years, I felt his problems could lie with him being on Autistic spectrum, however, in the last few years have realised he is a sex addict. During our time together, he had constantly sourced on line sex, visited prostitutes/escorts ( he thinks they are different), Skyped women to masturbate and then asked them if they wanted to meet up, he even had a fling with a close friend. He will not admit to anything, even if evidence is in front of him. Recently he has admitted that he is ashamed and hates himself for what he has done, do I believe him, no I don’t. A few years ago when I found out he’d been with a prostitute he suggested he might need help but it came to nothing. So I am no longer concerned with his idle promises but I need to find some kind of peace for myself in these twilight years, I no longer love him but do care about him. The reason I am writing this is - I left it too long before I took action, please don’t think a sex addict can change without help, how naive was I but then he was such a good liar. My thoughts are with all those that have contributed here, I hope everything works out and the healing process can begin, unfortunately for my story it is beyond hope.

Hi Derryd, I also posted on mums net when I found out recently... what a mistake that was! (LTB!) I am also new here - found out my husband has been using several prostitutes when away on work trips, going back 10 years over the entire span of our marriage. I've decided to stay and try work through it which actually I am realising is NOT the easier option to avoid upheaval, but rather the harder option to slowly work through these feelings rather than just walk away. Ive been seeing a psychologist anyway in the last year so have addressed the issue in 2 sessions with her since I found out about 6 weeks ago... but she is not a SA specialist. My husband has also seen a psychologist (just once so far) and I feel its important he feels he has someone on his side... we are on a waitlist to see a couples counsellor and he's doing the online courses/videos. Just wanted to stop by and say HI from a fellow suffering partner... my biggest issue I'm dealing with is feelings of: 1) I don't have anyone in the world to rely on and of course now harbouring this "secret" of my life whilst pretending everything is hunky dory... 2) my marriage up until this point is all a lie, I can't look back at photos or memories without feeling sick like my whole existence is fake/a lie/pretending to lead a happy life... Argh... it's hard.

@May224Welcome to the club you don't wish to be part of. It's not surprising to us here who have all been suffering with these revelations for many months now some of us years. Early advice is to always put your self and your own safety first. Get tested for STIs. Your partner will be using dysfunctional coping mechanisms for the next year wether he is in recovery or still acting out. Do not expect, trust or believe anything until your instincts tell you it's absolutely true. For me I didn't tell anyone. Things may be very different for you in 6-12 months and if all your friends, family and children know about it the situation may be very difficult to navigate. I'm 6 months in and I'm happy to send you all my resources I used to learn about it and find comfort and support. Send me a message if you want the information. Keep reaching out it's bloody lonely but there are people here who will help you. Take care and don't suffer alone. sending love x

It's called dry drunk. All the behaviour of an addict but sober. Behaviour that isn't acting out but still using the dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Lying, gaslighting, manipulation, Blaming others, short-tempered, entitled, envious, minimising, control, resentment etc loads more. I was told they could still disassociate for 10-12 months while the brain rewires. Do you do FANOS? It's a great way to check in and discuss the behaviour and any struggles you both may have calmly and allow the addict to reflect and recognise the behaviour. You are not alone. I've heard other partners say they even lie about their sandwich filling. It's been a way of coping for years. It needs addressing. I told my husband as soon as he lies to me again he is in the shadow of addiction and the whole cycle begins again.

I would wait to see how he is when he comes back from the Laurel center. It really is life changing. Must husband learnt so much about himself and his past. Men don't seem to be able to reflect and understand themselves without the therapy and work to discover their authentic self. The advice is often don't do anything yet. Make no decisions give it 6/12 months. I've heard of other women divorcing and remarried to someone else with addiction. It's so common nowadays. Advice I was given was to see the person not the behaviour.

Thanks Anon, its good to hear that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and its not just an express train coming straight for me! You are so right about the good advice to 'take care of yourself' and I am trying to do that. We've been together 39 years and married for 36. I discovered his 'addiction' at the beginning of December tho I know that he has been sexting a colleague before and watched porn. I thought it had been going on for about 14 years off and on. When he got found out this time I believe he thought that he could carry on after placating me for a few weeks. He soon knew I was serious about divorce and then started taking HIS problem seriously. I'm not sure that monthly counselling sessions are quite enough though. When I asked him how long the porn thing had been going on for I was shocked when he said for most of our marriage! At the moment I'm hanging in there. Still couldn't tell you if I'll be here this time next year or not. One day at a time!