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  3. Christine

    I have a problem

    Rob Good to hear that you are acknowledging that you do have a problem, you might find it helpful to go to www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and if this confirms anything for you then seek support. You have made a first step Warmest wishes Christine
  4. Christine

    He doesn't see anything wrong.....

    Laura thank you for having the courage to come onto the site and share. Firstly, it is clear that you love your husband, it's his behaviour that is causing the concern and is causing you a level of distress. Clearly he is asking or involving you in behaviour which sounds like it is compromising who you are, perhaps you need to remain honest with both yourself and him about what behaviour is okay for you and not okay for you. You might find it helpful print off materials or buy books, listed below, that can help both of you consider what might be happening for him. You could also ask him if he would be willing to look at an online resource; www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk You might also find the resources on the www.recoverynation.com useful 1. Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction, Paula Hall 2. Sex Addiction the Partner's Perspective, Paula Hall Paula has also done a ted talk which you may find helpful to view. I could suggest lots of other resources but perhaps this will be a good starting point for you. Take Care Christine
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  6. Hi, this is my first post so sorry if it ends up an essay. I have been with my husband 14 years, married for 7. We have two wonderful little girls. When I met my husband he had a very high sex drive and he was open that he watched porn from time to time. But over the years his sexual activity has escalated, started with wanting varied things whilst having sex then moved on to wanting to involve other people, which I will not do. He has always had a way of making me feel like it's my fault and that I'm not adventurous enough, which has resulted in me talking about having sex with other people to keep him happy. He openly has an account on a swinging website and is on there everyday, messaging other people, having them send videos of them masturbating or having sex and whilst I don't like this, I see it as an outlet which eases the pressure on me. I have even caught him messaging when the children are in the same room. When confronted he does not see an issue with it what so ever, he thinks it's perfectly normal to be sexually adventurous and that I'm the weird one for not being that way. He watches porn and masturbates on average 3-5 times a day and still wants sex as much as possible. He often sends me pictures of men's cocks and videos of them wanking, telling me what he would like me to do to them/them to me and despite me telling him it does nothing for me he continues to send them. He cheated on me twice in the early days, which I obviously forgave him for and moved on. Then last year I caught him messaging another woman, nothing had happened and he stopped contact but since then although I still love him I have lost a lot of respect for him, I obviously don't trust him and I've come to a point now where I've had enough, yet I can't imagine us not being together. Every other aspect of our relationship is brilliant and I don't like that thought of making my kids go through a separation. What can I do to make him understand he has an issue? Thanks for taking time to read this
  7. of nephroptosis can be confirmed through the use of wellness proper care imaging done while a person keto x factor's standing and laying down. As far as the remedies are concerned, these have also been widely debated for a very extensive pe keto factor riod. For a very extensive period, the remedies of choice was to use surgery therapy treatment to attach the floating kidney to the abdominal wall. However, the process fell out o f favor because of the risks and the truth keto x factor it did not always resolve the 12 signs and signs. Today, some surgeons will still execute the process if someone shows long-lasting signs of nephroptosis. Causes Because nephroptosis is not well understood, physicians are not certain what causes the issue. Some physicians believe keto x factor nephroptosis may be activated partially by ae kidney in place in a persons whole individual keto x factor. These events could include any of the following: sudden, dramatic individual keto x factor keto x factor loss pregnancy and childbirth injury to the stomach or spinal column frequent intense exercise Risk factors People with nephroptosis normally have certain common traits. These traits can make a person more likely to develop up nephroptosis. Females are more likely to have nephroptosis than males. Other factors keto x factor may put a person in danger include: low whole
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  9. robert463

    I have a problem

    Finally accepting i have a problem. i've been meeting other men for sex for five or six years now,. It started as me being curious and enjoying what i experienced to becoming an obsession and finally i now realise an addiction. I've tried to stop, or at least cut back many times but i just cant, the urge gets too great. i'm married, pretty much happily in all other ways bar sex, it stopped with her a few years back, thats when the real hold of stranger gay sex took hold of me. I tried and pretty much succeeded in convincing myself that i was just looking for something i wasn't getting at home, that it wasn't really cheating - bullshit i know, i've been going to gay cruising spots and gay saunas, meeting total strangers, needing the hit, the buzz of the sex, then feeling the crash of reality when its over, The guilt kick in and i vow never to do it again, but i'm too weak and i return, the time between action and relapse shorter and shorter, last night i went out looking for sex, late on, made an excuse to my wife about going to 24 hour shop, stupid but i couldnt help myself. There was no one about so i drove a few miles to another place, again no-one. Spent a few hours driving back and forward, just looking for someone to have sex with. scared id be at one place and miss someone at the other, ended up following cars, hoping they'd pull into the cruising spot. got so frustrated it hurt, eventually had to go home but really didnt want to. Huge fight with wife, tried to convince her i got a flat tire but she knew i was up to something, it cant go on, what i did is just not rational. i have told myself not to do it again, and i dont want to, but i dont trust or believe in myself
  10. outofwishes

    Confused, angry, hurt, upset!

    Just a small point really: You will find a lot of advice on line and elsewhere about how you should react to this situation. My partner is currently doing the same and, while you'll find serious and detached expertise like Joshua, a lot of these support groups start from the point of view that you should end the relationship before anything else. You may need to search quite hard to find support if you want to stay with him. My partner now has two good sources of support, both of which at least accept the idea that the relationship can continue. One is face to face, the other is by phone; the internet doesn't hold all the answers.
  11. Christine

    Maire

    Hi Maire Thank you for having the courage to write on the forum, it is clear that you care deeply for your partner and you can see he needs support to understand how much this is affecting your relationship. However, unless he recognises that what he is doing is causing harm in the relationship then he may not want to acknowledge that he may have an issue. Initially, if you have not done so already, it might be helpful for you to discuss what is acceptable and not acceptable within the relationship. Then to agree boundaries and what will happen if the boundaries are not maintained. So, if looking at porn is not acceptable within the relationship then that is agreed and if this is not maintained then you agree how this will be managed; for example, he agrees to look at whether his behaviour is harming both him and the relationship because it is out of control, and/or you agree to not have physical contact until he stops using porn a couple of months. This is not a question of whether porn is right or wrong it is a question of whether the behaviour is causing harm, it sounds like it is causing pain and impacting upon how you feel within the relationship. You might find the following helpful; www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk, www.yourbrainonporn.com and the book Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective.
  12. Ter

    Pippa

    Hi Pippa, Sorry it took so long for me to answer. Although I was sickened by what I found out, I think overall I felt better than if I still were imagining things that he could have been doing. He has done so many sicko things, that I have them categorized in my mind--sick-could have stopped, etc. His addiction went all the way back to when he was younger. Some things are so gross, I have to believe it's a sickness. I will never justify what he did then or in the 25 years we have been together. To answer your question if I am going to stay with him--I guess for now. They say don't make any moves at least for a year when you have been traumatized. At this point, it may just turn into a marriage of convenience--we are still paying on our house-if I take the sickness away--he has been a good companion. I thought he was making progress in his recovery, trying to be empathetic, understanding, but I have just realized that nothing I have been saying is sinking in. He is very apathetic, defensive, sarcastic lately. I think he has been sober or so he says for a year, but I'm learning that is not recovery. He goes to individual counseling, group counseling a 12-step program and we go to couples counseling and nothing has soaked in. He is 76; I'm in my early 70s. So like you say--where do we go at this stage in our lives. You say you had an affair years ago--I have been faithful through all our marriage and now through this BS, but with his attitude, I can now see why people have affairs. I feel that I could go away for a year and he wouldn't notice unless he needed dinner. In my rages, I have said I was going to go out and find someone to comfort me and listen to me, and he said he would understand if I did. I believe if he was trying to win me back, he would have said no--I will do everything to learn to comfort you. So---like I said, I feel neglected, part of the furniture, and unloved. Have you had a formal disclosure yet? Please let's stay in touch. Terri
  13. Joshua Shea

    Confused, angry, hurt, upset!

    Hi Carrie, I'm about 4-1/2 years sober from pornography and alcohol, so maybe I can lend some insight. And while I'll always be an addict, I believe I am truly recovered. It sounds like he started to do the recovery work, but stopped. That's like filling a tub with only a few centimeters of water and calling it good. It's better than an empty tub, but it's still not suitable to bathe in. I don't know exactly his situation, but he sounds a lot like me when it came to how he treated the women on the other end of the computer. It not only was about "getting back" at women for those who physically, sexually and emotionally harmed me when I was young, but it was also a way for me to exert control over the situation and my life. Here's the kicker...in my intense therapy, it went even deeper than the stereotypical abuse stuff and it took a long time to get there. That road is paved with sadness, anger, embarrassment and shame. Its much easier to say "Hey, I got this" on your good days than to delve into that deep subconcious stuff, but for me, it has changed my life for the better, and I think my wife and kids would agree. Be angry at the addiction, not at him. Anger, resentment, judgment...they come natural...but they only make the situation worse. Why would he open up to somebody who harbors such negative feelings toward him? If you haven't read everything yet, just type my name into Amazon and you'll find a memoir I wrote that was published earlier this year. Good luck, and remember to keep yourself healthy. You're the only person you can truly control. Joshua Shea
  14. Hi everyone, To cut a very long story short my husband has a sex addiction. He did mastubate to porn about 4-5 times weekly (to relieve feelings of stress, anger, upset - never really for sexual desire) and used online apps and sites to chat to women, obtain pics/videos etc. Often he was verbally abusive to these women also, insulting the way they looked. When this all came out we had some counselling and realised he’d experienced a traumatic childhood. Physical abuse by a step father, enmeshment by a narcistic mother who controlled him. He was left with very low self esteem and confidence and used porn/sex addiction to make himself feel better. He tended to act out following contact with his mother who often belittles, controls, guilt trips and manipulated him. Following counselling he was going to do work on his past and try and recover. He didn’t do this but he did manage to refrain from acting out for 4 months. Recently he became low in mood and verbally abusive to myself (he tends to do this before acting out) and he replapsed. He promised this time he would get help but 4 weeks on he is yet to engage in therapy as he feels he now has it under control. I know he doesn’t. The wounds of his childhood are still there and I know without dealing with these underlying issues he will relapse again. He won’t listen to me. I have and am reading everything I can get my hands on, learning as much as I can in an attempt to help him but without him engaging I know it’s useless. I feel like I’m sat here waiting for him to mess up again one time too many so I can leave, I don’t want to leave but I can’t spend my life waiting for him to deal with this. It’s driving me crazy. I almost wish it was me with the addiction as he’s far less motivated to fix it. Im struggling so much with anger. Anger towards his family for causing it, anger towards him for not stepping up and taking some control and I’m fast losing respect for him. I feel like it has taken over our lives and I can’t remmember the last time I felt happy or content. I’m always reading/thinking/observing his mood. I feel like I’m going crazy and he’s slowing breaking me down. I’m not sure why I’m writing this or what I think any of you can say to help but I’ve nowhere else to turn. I guess I’m wondering if he’s a lost cause? If anyone truly recovers? What I can do to help him realise he needs help? Thanks for the ear x
  15. Maire

    Maire

    Im lost as where to start . other than im consist my partner is a sex addicte. As he is constantly on porn or site that are just for sex . i have spoken to him but he and he promises that he want do it any more bit still carrys on know how much it hurts me . he dosent do it in front of and and he is always trying to hide it . he says he love me and we have even moved in togetter . i think i shouldnt have no tho . because it seems that im just another tool to him . can you help me please .
  16. Christine

    Feeling betrayed ... Again

    KT thank you for posting what you are going through and how you are feeling, it is an awful position to be in. Given your recent discovery, what you are feeling is completely understandable, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or the separation is ongoing, his recovery is down to what he decides to do. What is important for you is that you take care of you, give yourself time and space and manage your own feelings of hurt, anger and despair. Maybe with how you are feeling at the moment it is not a good time to make any decisions about the relationship but instead focus on taking care of you. Take care Christine
  17. Pippa

    Pippa

    Hi Ter i am in the UK so I guess we won’t be meeting up any time soon. l used to live in Bangkok for many years, so lady boys are part of everyday life, as are any number of bars and clubs where you can get any type of sex you want. my husband was into porn starring young Asian girls. I found this disgusting for several reasons. First, he had young Thai girls working for him. Little did they know what he was looking at while they out of the office. Second, he openly disapproved of the sex industry and the men who hooked up with these girls. Three. He said he never found Asian girls attractive. He is a hypocrite and a liar. Twenty years this went on. There may be worse things I have yet to ask. Group sex. Rape. Who knows. As you say, imagining is bad but part of me is scared to find out more in case of more shocking revelations, as in your case. are you going to stay with him? I’m 63..... where do we go at this stage in our lives? my husband does not look at porn anymore since a brain virus he had last summer. He now brushes his habit off as being of no importance, just a phase he was going through which arose through curiosity and boredom. He can’t seem to see that it ruined our sex lives and, had he been caught, could have lost him his job. worst of all is that everything is blamed on me because 35 years ago I had an affair. As far as he can see, I am to blame. counselling isn’t working as he just bangs on for a whole hour about his hurt over my ancient affair. I’m really starting to hate him as it all feels so hopeless. He won’t forgive me. lets keep talking. take care P xx
  18. Hi Ruby, I know what you mean--the loss of the husband you once had. I felt like I was living with a complete stranger after I found out. It took me two years to even trust him when we first got married. My friends would say Oh you don't have to worry about him being unfaithful to you. My soft spoken, kind hearted, quiet husband had become a monster to me. Some days, I look at him and still get triggered at how he has destroyed our marriage and me. How for the last 8 months I have been in some kind of a fog--everyone else is enjoying life, and I'm lucky if I can make it through the day doing the basics in life. And like you, I wondered how he could do this to me if he loved me. What was he thinking when he did this? What has helped me is learning that an addict actually is not thinking. Their frontal lobe in their brain shuts down. I am understanding that more and more intellectually, but emotionally it's not working. I feel there was that little voice saying you know this is wrong. But he chose to do it anyway. Hope that helps.
  19. Ter

    Pippa

    Hi Pippa, I am in the USA. And you? Yes, that would be great if we could all meet face to face. I read your post and I'm sorry that you also have to be going through this trauma. I asked questions and more question and more questions. I had to know everything; otherwise, I would have made up scenarios in my mind. The truth turned out to be worse that any scenarios I could have made up, as you probably know by my previous post. We fought every night for months; I raged and cried every night for months. He finally took a polygraph. I felt like the questions I asked on the polygraph were truthfully answered. And yes, the detached feeling the last few times we were intimate (a long time ago) is very familiar to me. Like he was there physically, but not emotionally. I have read so much about porn addiction and betrayal trauma, I could write a book. I found a disk last Aug. in his laptop when I asked to use his laptop as mine does not have a disk slot. It was tranny porn. I will start there...I thought what in the hell is tranny porn? I mean I am not a prude, but really? I searched on the net and it is just gross. So, no wonder he was in la la land when we were intimate! UGH!!! The story gets more interesting. I feel that I'm over the initial shock, but it will take a very long time for me to heal. I have never heard of a sex addict watching porn and not masturbating, but what do I know? Sending hugs,
  20. outofwishes

    Not quite success, but a ray of hope

    It's coming up on two months since I was sentenced and it's 8 months since I last looked at any porn. I'm not recommending getting arrested and having your life turned upside down as a strategy for kicking the addiction, but it might help some readers here, especially if they have strayed into illegal images, to have a think about what that would be like. I'm well into my community payback (unpaid work) now; clearing graveyards, tidying up parks and so on. It's been a shock to my 60+ year old system, especially as the rest of the gang are at least half my age; it can be exhausting keeping up. But, it's not prison and I have a feeling that prison would have had a huge negative impact on my mental health as well as being pure bloody hell for the bundle of anxieties that I'm made up of. An Ex got in touch while I was awaiting sentencing and gave me a lot of support. I was, and am, nervous of both our agendas and motivations, but our relationship seems to be developing in a positive way now that the trial is over. I had assumed that having any sort of relationship was going to be out of the question once the legal process was over but maybe this will work. The support I've had from the probation service has been disappointing in terms of any kind of treatment. My 25 RAR days have turned out to be 25 45 minute sessions working with a probation officer; I guess I thought it would be counseling and group work, but this is all down to money. If I find myself drawn back to addiction I will need to seek more substantial therapy from professionals.
  21. outofwishes

    Some advice

    I found The Porn Trap by Wendy and Larry Maltz to have a lot of good starting points for exploring my problems.
  22. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Thank you Ter and Pippa. I’m sorry to realise so many other women are suffering, albeit in different ways. Your thoughts and advice are really helpful. I’m going to start counselling this week as I know I can’t get through it alone I too am raging and feeling a deep grief I think for the loss of the husband I thought I’d had for 20 years. A person is still there in front of me who looks like my husband but isn’t really is he? I think the one big thought I can’t get round is why would someone who supposedly loved me, write his own beautiful marriage vows, is the father of our children, would deceive and betray us in such a devastating way? I have disliked people over the years and at times briefly wished them ill but never ever have I wanted to wreak such damage and harm. Has anyone else managed to come to terms with that ?
  23. Pippa

    Pippa

    Hi Ter you are obviously not sleeping if you live in the UK and posted three hours ago..... it’s only 5 am now. I am awake and have been since 3am too. I’m exhausted! i wish we could all meet and have a women’s circle to really talk face to face. We are good at that. I feel we are now leading secret lives..... false names etc...... as if we have done something wrong. I’d like to go on Paula’s course but no way can I afford the fee and then I guess there would’ve accommodation costs too. Anyway, tell us your story when you have time. Take care of yourself xx
  24. Ter

    Pippa

    I'm so glad I found this board and to know I am not alone in this. Especially good to know that I'm not the only one who is "older" and has been in a marriage for a long time.
  25. Oh Sorry, I think it's Ruby I was replying to
  26. Hi Pippa, I just came across this board. I totally understand what you are going through. I have been there. My husband acted out 4 different times with 4 different men in a gay massage parlor. I remember the utter shock of finding out last winter. We have been married 25 years, and he kept his porn addiction a secret all this time. It would take a long time to post my entire story here right now, but I wanted to share this with you. I raged, cried, cursed, and had a burning image in my mind for weeks after I found out. I was sick for months! I also met another partner who's husband did the same thing. Unfortunately, I have lost contact with her. I did find out in my research that: porn addiction is progressive, sometimes to weird acting out behavior, Betrayal Trauma can cause PTSD, something happened in the Porn Addict's childhood to cause the addiction, there are support groups for us partners, there are specialized counselors that deal with Betrayal Trauma in partners. Here are some suggestions: The website: Your Brain on Porn/the book: Is Your Husband Gay, Straight or Bi. Many married men with the addiction have been with men. I know it's sick---I am totally not justifying what they did. I have categorized what my husband did in a "sick" category. That's not the only gross thing he has done. I will address that some other time. A lifetime of gross stuff. If anyone had told me that at my age, and being married to "The Best Thing that Ever Happened to me", my "Rock", that I would be on these boards, I would have fallen down laughing. There is so much more to my story, but it is really long. We both are in counseling---I do not know where our marriage will go from here--We live like roommates. He has taken a polygraph, we have had our disclosure. The initial shock will wear off--what helped me is to sit in my car and call him every low down name in the book, write even if it makes no sense, counseling, /when I was raging and thinking I was going to have a stroke, deciding he was not worth it to damage my health. Do anything you can to take care of you. I was in a fog for about 6 months, and am finally coming out of it now, I hope that helps. When did you find out? Are you in the US or the UK? Take care.
  27. Joshua Shea

    Some advice

    Hi Jermaine, I'm sorry to hear about your return to pornography. The thing that's really screaming here is that you're not in some kind of therapy. For the most part, addiction is a reaction to something else. It's a bandage you put on a wound. Until you treat the wound, the bandage isn't going to heal anything. Odds are if you started at 11, you have some idea why, but a professional could probably guide you through more of your story, helping you to remember, and understand things better than you do now. I think 12-step meetings are good, but you don't get to talk a lot. It's mostly listening. Find someone who can help you as a professional to get through this. I'd also urge you to do a little research. Do some reading. Check out other online forums. There's a lot out there that may help. No two people have the same recovery path, so the more you open yourself up to recovery options, the more likely you are to succeed. Josh
  28. So once again (4 days ago) i came across the social media accounts, chat logs, the ads on gay mens chatrooms looking for 'porn buddies', the intimate pictures he sharef and the history of porn sites on his mobile phone. It’s not the first time. I confronted him .... again, and again he tried to lie his way out of it. Eventually he admitted a fraction of what i had found ... its always the same process. The tears, the excuses, the promises. And then i find more. What hurts is the lies and the betrayal. Lies screaming in my ears. The comments that he made to other men and women and the intimate images he sent to them are etched into my brain, i see them every time i try to sleep. Im trying to focus on work, but that involves supporting vulnerable and abused women - including women who have been forced / trafficked into porn and prostitution. I have spoke to him so many times about the abuse these women experience, what that industry does to them, what men like him do to them, and still he does it. We have been married almost 5 years and it feels like it has all been a lie. I have tried to support him, but then he repeats the behaviour. I dont know what to do, i dont know what i should be feeling. I am numb. He has reconnected to SA and is reaching out for help. I cant help him. I am full of anger, hurt and despair. He wants my support but i dont know if i can go through this again, supporting him, forgiving him, brushing aside my own heartbreak. Building myself back up when i feel used, dirty, never quite good enough. We have no option but to live in the same house, but we are separated since this latest incident and i have said we need to stay separate for at least 6 months to give me time to sort out myself and my job, i cant afford to move out. He needs to focus on his recovery - without me. So i have to protect myself, everytime i see his phone in his hand, every day i am at work and he is home alone, every night when i go to sleep worrying that he is watching porn or chatting in forums. He wants me to trust him, but I don’t know how. I am scared.
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