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Activity Stream

  1. Christine added a post in a topic Struggling spouse   

    It might be helpful to find someone who can support you both in your relationship who is trained at dealing with porn addiction but who is also a trained sex therapist. It might also help to visit your GP and talk through the issues and to look at whether there are any medical aspects of the issue,  The site that this forum belongs to - 'The Laurel Centre' has trained therapists who could provide the appropriate support around relationships, sex, porn addiction and wanting to have a baby why not give them a ring and ask to speak with a therapist who is also trained in sex therapy. Your partner may need to address his underlying issues which led to the addiction as part of a recovery process and having a period of sexual abstinence, alongside recovery may help to reboot his system so that things improve for the future. Take care Christine 
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  2. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Starting on a Journey...hopefully   

    Hey FarNorth,
    Congrats on starting your journey. You are not alone in your struggles. For sure you can beat this. Try the free self help document on paula hall website it has really helped me.
    Warm regards
    Yik
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  3. FarNorth added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Starting on a Journey...hopefully
    Hi Folks,
    Not really sure what I hope to get from this but it seemed like it couldn't hurt to make a post.
    I'm 27 and I've been a sex addict possibly for as long as 15 years. In the last couple of years I've realised that I'd never be able to beat it by myself, but I've been travelling a lot so conventional therapy etc haven't been an option.
    Anyway, in the last couple of weeks I've started talking to my girlfriend about my problems, I've signed up for an online therapy thing (I regret it, it's been a poor service and is quite expensive, but it's a step nonetheless), and I'm writing this post here.

    My behaviour has been better, the accountability that comes with involving others in my perspective seems to give me a chance to make a decision whether to act out or now, and I'd never been able to think like that previously. I have had problems with all sorts of progressively worsening behaviours from staring at porn magazines as an adolescent, to meeting strangers for casual sex. I'm reaching a stage in my life where I think if I don't get help then another 15 years will flash by and I'll have wasted half of my life with this problem (and my girlfriend certainly won't be around).
    I hope there is some hope out there. I'm at the very start and I'm not sure if I'm ready for the challenges ahead.

    S
     
     
     
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  4. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Back to London   

    Thanks for all your comments, it means a lot to me. Makes all the difference.
    So far so good! Feels amazing to be clean. I have been very tempted at times. But I feel that I am getting stronger and wiser.
    I am yet to relapse seriously. Looked at a website for a few minutes on one occassion and that is all. I am really trying not to stare and lust over women. If I see a lady I think is stunning I  am just accepting that and not staring at them like they are an object, because I know a woman is not an object. I am disgusted that I treated women the way I did. I crossed moral lines when I paid for sex. It is hard for me not to regret my behaviour deeply, after a longish break I realise what an awful thing it was to do. I damaged my self esteem and put myself and loved ones at risk. I took advantage of vulnerable women. I hope my loved ones would forgive me. I hope the women I paid for sex would to. I have to forgive myself and prove to myself that I am not that person. That I am self respecting, kind, loving, and strong. I know that I have these qualities, and they did not disappear...I just let my negative qualities take control. I too am vulnerable, I hurt, I was lost, I was sucked into something and got deeper and deeper and now I am getting out. I was ill in the head to have acted like I did. For so many years out of my 21 I have relied on pornography and sex...aggressiveness and violation...to escape. I did not know what I was doing. I watched some porn and I couldnt get enough. I paid for sex with countless webcam girls, more than 20 escorts, and I went to a fair few massage parlours. All within 2 years. My mind was lost. And now it is coming to. But no excuses, I did wrong.
    I think being clean for good requires a complete change in mindset. Sex and women are not escapes from reality or sources of a high. They should be positive parts of life. I dont need to have sex or jerk off every day to be happy. I dont need to make love to every beautiful woman I see to be happy. I need to respect sex and women and respect myself to be happy.
    I feel that I  am on the way to getting better. To changing my mindset. By no means will it be easy but these past few days have made me realise that I  am strong, and with belief in myself and support from other people (like those on this forum) I will overcome this addiction.
    I do want a loving relationship. And there are at least 3 occassions when I could have pursued that and maybe had it. But I do wonder now if that is possible. What woman would want to be with a guy who has slept with over 20 escorts? A guy so weak. A guy so wasteful of money. A guy so blinded by lust...with such self hate. I am sure they would be disgusted by me. Feel betrayed. I could never tell them, and that is an option...it is my past...and I would not expect to know all of theres. I could just say I slept around a lot. If someone were to forgive me that they would be very special. I want to make my addictive behaviour a thing of the past, I want to earn a woman's love and treat her like a queen. I have to think positive but cant ignore the negative.
    Thanks for reading
    Yik
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  5. No one added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Struggling spouse
    My husband has been unknowingly addicted to porn since, we believe, he was a teenager. We met and issues arised around having sex. He was unable to keep an erection and ejaculation was impossible without porn. Unfortunately his issues are deep seated. Throughout our relationship he has managed to stay off the porn for periods of time in which the impotence became less of an issue but he has always gone back to porn, especially at stressful times. Since we married he has found staying off porn more difficult and as we want to try for children we are finding ourselves in a difficult situation. The stress of wanting to conceive and the issues around porn and the impotence that it causes is putting a huge toll on our relationship. We have searched for support but have not found any services which are appropriate for our situation. Any advice?
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  6. Angel added a post in a topic My Story   

    To all of you above, from a wife who did find out by shocking discovery, rather than being told the truth, do please consider telling your wife and asking for her support in your recovery.
    To not be told the truth and to be constantly betrayed and deceived was the worst part of my husband's  addiction, even more than the behaviours themselves.
     And even then, once I discovered it, I supported him. It was his lack of commitment to recovery and his arrogant declaration that he was 'cured' after just 12 months which did not bear out in his behaviour or respect towards me that ended things for me. 
    I congratulate you for having the courage to challenge your addiction, but I agree with Paula - if you don't recover, you probably won't stay married. A marriage based on betrayal is no marriage at all.
    i wish you all the strength you need.
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  7. Hanna added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    Hi ladies
    Are you aware that there is a secret Facebook page for partners of SA / porn addiction etc - you have to request access and wait for response but if you want details please Pm me.
    There is also another site called Sisters of Support - its American and gives a pretty grim picture but there are some recovery stories - google it!
    Angel thanks you for your frank and honest response
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  8. PJ added a post in a topic Back to London   

    Hi Yiksob
    Well done you!  That's great news.
    Another option to help you stay 'sober' is to attend 12 step meetings - there a lot in London and you could find one every evening of the week.  I attend SAA but there are others which you can find on the internet.  SA - sexaholics anonymous is another.
    All the best.
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  9. Angel added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    To all you lovely people on this thread, I share your stories - and pain too. I am in my fifties now and have realised that my 20 year relationship was a puppet show cover for his addiction. He had no intentions of giving it all up. Has made no proper commitment to recovery, continues to blame me for the entire breakdown of our marriage.
    Where I can say that, yes, I became hurt and angry in the last few years and therefore lacked respect for him by the end it was because I knew something was badly wrong and I was by instinct reflecting back to him what he was showing toward me. I had tried everything. Being understanding, giving everything of myself, both emotionally, financially, you name it. But it wasn't enough to heal the damage in his soul. He  would but pay lip service to my support and appeals to try to mend our failing relationship, but it changed nothing.
    If you get no TOTAL commitment and FULL honesty from them, I think the risk that they will revert to former habits is extremely likely. And ask yourself if you really want to stay on that rollercoaster ride for years to come, always wondering, always questioning. If there isn't honesty, integrity, truth and trust, and a genuine intention for recovery, no holds barred, then there is nothing to work with. Sad to say, but it's time to get out and look after yourself. Sending you love my fellow wronged partners.
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  10. Angel added a post in a topic Interesting take on sex addiction   

    Paula,
    How may I contact you? I have an unusual situation and wondered if I'm might ask your thoughts?
    Your book for partners is excellent - it has been my bible.
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  11. Help!!! added a post in a topic Back to London   

    Hi Yiksob11. Sounds like you are planning all the right strategies to prevent slipping. Good luck and stay strong
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  12. Rob added a post in a topic Back to London   

    Hello,
    It's great to start over with a new chance and do things differently. I wish you every success.
    I think understanding when and how you get into such a "bad frame of mind" is really important to stopping yourself going back down the old paths of coping by acting out. That's tricky to do sometimes but if you can spot that ahead of time and realise you are getting in a vulnerable place then you can do something about it before it gets too bad.
    You also list a lot of healthy habits there but sometimes I think it's necessary to give yourself permission to be less restrictive at times and have fun when it is nothing to do with sex. Finding hobbies and activities can be a lot of fun in itself. For me, I found I need something and I'd I try to be "good" all the time or be needless then it just gets bottled up more and is a trigger to acting out. So I definitely need things that are mine. As long as those hobbies are safe, without shame and in the open then all is well.
    I would really like to encourage you strongly to stay away from places and areas where you used to go and act out. Because I know from experience that going back there becomes a big trigger in itself, even if you're otherwise feeling fine. It can easily destroy hard work especially at the beginning where things are so fragile in recovery.
    Further, for me, a critical part of recovery has been keeping away from any and all sexual fantasy and thoughts as much as possible and avoiding masturbation. Different people are different here but I found me always gently guiding my thoughts away from any sexual fantasy helps tremendously. Just being aware of that made me realise actually that I used to think about such things a lot but not really acknowledge how much time and distraction it was. It continues the porn fantasy in the mind, even when you are not acting out. So, if I let the fantasy thrive, it will keep the battle in my mind going on and on. I am fighting myself.
    Peace
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  13. Yiksob11 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Back to London
    I have got some work in London over the next two weeks. And this is great. I get out, make some money, meet new people, and socialise.
    But the last time I worked in London I used sex workers a lot. So, I am making it my goal to not do so AT ALL during this period.
    I think it will be a massive boost of confidence for me if I can be succesful. And I know that I will be. I plan to sleep early every night, make an effort with my colleagues, read verociously, keep positive and keep busy, meditate and exercise lightly each morn and night. I think that if I can keep my head straight then all will be well. The trouble is that I may get into a bad frame of mind where a relapse is difficult to overcome. Nonetheless, I have to believe that I can do this, and I do believe that I can do this.
    Have a great day, more posts to follow
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  14. Help!!! added a post in a topic My Story   

    Thank you Yiksob11 and PJ for your insightful replies and good wishes. Finding this site is a real boost for me in making me accept I'm not some sort of freak and others have and are going through similar.
    I've had a good week since last week' slip. Had time on my own in the house but with no thought of slipping. Went back and read my initial post which serves to remind me of what I want to achieve.
    PJ, I totally understand where you're coming from and you may be 100% right in saying I can'tdo this alone, however disclosure to my wife at least at this stage is not something I can do. Never say never but right now my total focus is on staying clean. Strangely though since finding this site I really dont feel that im doing this alone. Thanks again for your words of support. Really means a lot.
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  15. PJ added a post in a topic My Story   

    Help!!!
    It is a terrible thing being addicted sex.  I found the worst parts were the deceit, the shame and the isolation.  The irony is that we don't do the very opposite that would solve those issues, we go back that which causes the shame, isolation and deceit.
    I am sorry to say, but you have to change something, otherwise nothing will change.  All addicts will say that you can't do this on your own - and in my experience the best person to help you get through this is your partner.  Yes it will be devastating but in all likelihood she will find out sometime, and she will say 'why didn't you tell me earlier'.  We are deceiving ourselves if we think we are doing them a favour by not telling them.  
    If you think she might leave if you tell her now, then she is even more likely to leave if she finds out by other means in a few years time when you are further down the slippery slope - perhaps even seeing sex workers (which is where I ended up).
    I did tell my wife, and it was the best thing I did and in the end saved my life and my marriage.  Paula said to me, "your recovery has to be more important than your marriage"?  Why?  Because if you don't recover, you probably won't stay married (and what sort of marriage is it when one is addicted!) - but if you do recover, you might well save your marriage.
    I would encourage you to find a way to tell your partner.  Paula Hall & associates will help you do that well - that is really important.  Your spouse will need a lot of support and so will you.  It will be hell to begin with, you might lose her, BUT you might not - and in doing so have a better marriage than you have ever had, based on truth and trust and will be on a stronger road to recovery.
    I wish you well.
     
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  16. Ali added a post in a topic Ali   

    Hi,
    I thought my partner had stopped looking at porn have just realised he's got better at hiding it. I never told him I knew felt guilty for snooping. Also seen has been looking up can porn make you not be able to perform? For months I've thought he had stopped just realised tonight he hasn't far from it. Makes me feel so bad. I'm due to have op soon and we won't be able to have sex making me feel sick knowing he will be looking at porn
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  17. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Please I need help..paraphilia case   

    Hey, Whyme. I hope you are well, congrats on seeking support and I wish you the best of luck. I think seeking support is surely the first step to success here. You are not alone for sure and I am sure most sex addicts can relate to that pain of the urge, doing something that you know is wrong...long term consequences ignored. 
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  18. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic My Story   

    Hey, hope you are well.
    I can really relate to what you are saying. Glad to hear you have had a good run recently and that you are making progress. I just finished going over the Kick Start Recovery course today. I think it has definitely helped me to understand my addiction far better than I ever would have before. Just need to try and employ that R.U.N technique now! 
    Loneliness is also a trigger for me which might link to my shyness.
    Funnily enough I just had a great run of 2 weeks free of all that rubbish, came home from a holiday back to the grim English weather and all the other problems at home and I just could not face it. 
    Everyone makes mistakes, I don't know if there are bad people just bad choices....maybe there is a difference between them but both are out there, best of luck with achieving what you want to achieve. And yeah, very therapeutic to chat about it. 

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  19. Angel added a post in a topic How do I get through this?   

    Hi In Despair
    I'm so sorry for you. It's a devastating place to be.
    I've been where you have....for two years now. My conclusion? Don't look back.
    I was asked by my counsellor to give it a year before making a decision to leave my 20-year relationship. I realised that I wasn't prepared to ride that tumultuous roller coaster of more gaslighting, more lies and deceptions, more financial controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour from him, even if he had committed to stay in recovery. 
    I have children to consider and I felt it was best to end the marriage because he didn't stay in therapy. He declared himself fixed after a year. A man who has been an addict since early teenage years. I know that a year doesn't cut it. But he's not interested in mending his issues, and is still busy blaming the breakup on me. It's very isolating. Without telling anyone the truth, he has been telling our mutual friends that I am to blame. There is no moral code within him. No hope.
    My experience says look forward and keep going. Look after yourself and your family now.
     
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  20. Angel added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    MY advice as a partner of 20 years and having only discovered porn and sex addiction in my husband of two years ago is get out now. If there is no proper acknowledgement that they have an addiction, a tendency to revert back to blaming you, any anger that you're still not 'over it', a sense that they think you're making too big a deal of it because it's 'normal'....no. Just leave. 
    I tried for a year to support my husband with all the empathy and kindness and understanding I could muster from my broken soul but still he lives in denial and is telling friends I'm to blame for the marriage breakdown. Meanwhile our children are caught up and devastated in this family explosion.
    It has become clear to me that this man will never sufficiently change or challenge his addiction. Get out and run. That's my advice. And don't look back. You deserve better.
     
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  21. Help!!! added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    My Story
    Hi all. I discovered this site on 23rd October after another weekend of acting out. I found some of the stories so inspirational. Found myself nodding in agreement as so much of what others have gone through resonates with me. I had stayed 100% clean from that date.....until this weekend where after yet another slip I feel I'm back to Square 1!
    So what's my story? I think I discovered porn in my mid teens. A very shy guy growing up I never really had much luck with the opposite sex. Didn't lose my virginity until my mid twenties but all that time porn was my substitute. My emotional crutch when stressed, lonely sad or whatever. Anyway with the digital age, added to my porn addiction has come chat rooms where I seek cyber and phone sex. 
    I'm 51 now. I've been married for 7 years to a wonderful woman who I love more than anything. No she has no idea about my problem. It would break her heart...and selfishly mine too if she were to find out. I haven' physically cheated on her but shamefullly the porn, cyber and phone sex has continued at various intervals during our marriage.
    Having worked through Paulas Kick Start Recovery I have a clear understanding of my addiction of the roots of my addiction. Beating it of course is something else! I discovered new found motivation when I first found its site. So why did I slip? One of my triggers is loneliness and my wife has been away for this weekend. I mentally prepared for this and planned lots of positive things to do with my time. However I have a very stressful job and I have had something really big hanging over me from work this weekend. Stress is another trigger so I guess the two combined and I slipped again. Usual feelings of shame etc coupled with a renewed determination to beat this.
    For anyone who has taken the trouble to read this far, thank you. I have found writing this quite therapeutic and would appreciate any thoughts or advice from anyone on this forum. Im not a bad person. I just just have a very bad problem which I need to address. My motivation is to lead a happy, healthy life and be the husband that my wife deserves.
    Good luck to you all 
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  22. PJ added a post in a topic What's Next? Venting   

    Wow! Lookingthrough, it sounds like you have been and are going through hell.  You are an amazing woman to have survived this far, but it does sound as if you are at the end of your resources.  
    I think if you want the best for him (and for yourself more importantly), you need to assert boundaries and keep to them.  You mention 'co-sex addiction' - do you mean 'co-dependency'?  If you think that you might be co-dependent, I would recommend a book called 'Co-dependency for dummies' as somewhere to start to understand how you are reacting to his stuff.   
    He needs help too.  If he is open to that, then point him to this website, or a 12 step programme - they have groups in many parts of the country.
    Keep coming back.  There is hope.  
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  23. PJ added a post in a topic Please I need help..paraphilia case   

    Hi B.
    Well done for coming on here - it is the first step to getting out of the compulsive habit of exhibiting yourself.  It isn't easy to accept that you need help, but it is absolutely critical that you do, you won't get out of the clutches of this addiction unless you do.  The good news is that you are beginning to realise that.  And you are in a good position in as much as you have a wife who knows and wants to support you.
    You are right - it is very risky and harmful behaviour and it will certainly have an impact on your self-esteem and that is no doubt feeding the addiction.  The frustrating thing is in this situation is that it is a vicious cycle.  You feel crap about yourself, you have learnt that acting our by exhibiting yourself anaesthetises the pain of how you feel about yourself but only temporarily, and so you go back to it again and again.
    The first thing is to start gaining your self-respect by taking action to get help. You have taken a significant step in coming on here looking for help.  I would recommend you read Paula's book on sex addiction so you understand what is going on.  I would then encourage you to either go on one of her recovery courses, which I personally found very helpful or to seek out a 12 step sex addiction group near you.  There are two or three such 12 step programmes out there on the internet.  In those groups you will find people who are struggling with similar behaviours.    So in mine, a group of 5 or so, one or two struggle with exhibitionism.  There you will find fellowship, advice, tools for recovery etc.
    I hope too that you will come back here - keep us updated on how you are doing and asking for advice.  Keep going, you can get out of this.  Many have and so can you.  There is hope.
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  24. PJ added a post in a topic Porn Addiction   

    Linda - I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds devastating, no wonder you are feeling hurt and betrayed.  How he has treated you is wrong.
    It does sound like he might have a sex addiction.  If he has, then there are a few things that might be helpful to hear - I hope.  The first is that it isn't about you.  You are not the cause of his behaviour.  It isn't about how you look, or your sexuality.  It is about some deeper pain/emptiness and a very ingrained habitual addiction that he has got stuck in, to alleviate it.  In a strange way, it isn't even about sex - it is about getting a buzz to anaesthetise the pain/emptiness.  In no way am I writing this to excuse him, but to give a short explanation of what might be going on and hopefully to start you on the road to rebuilding your own self-esteem and confidence in coping with the awful situation you are in.  
    I would recommend a few things, if I may.
    First of all, Paula' two books on sex addiction are excellent, one of them is specifically for partners.  I would recommend them in helping you understand what is going on and to help you move forward.
    Secondly, don't compensate for him.  Assert your boundaries.  For your sake but also for his.  He needs you to tell him that what he is doing isn't acceptable to you.  At the same time, if you can find it within yourself and want to work at the relationship, he might respond to you gently asking him whether he is happy with his behaviour, whether it makes him feel good.  If he says 'no' - then you have something to work with and might offer to walk with him over the coming months to find some help.  He will only get out of this addiction by getting help.
    Do come back to this forum, you aren't alone (sadly) and there is help out there for you.  I would encourage you to tell a trusted friend who can support you through this too.  
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  25. Rob added a post in a topic My first step   

    Keep it up, you're doing good wanting to change and educate yourself. It's an important step and I hope pushes you forward to even better things. You can do it and it's great!!
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