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Activity Stream

  1. added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Well done, for avoiding the temptation. I’m having the same struggle you’re (a) or (b) person. I think I’m generally a good person but I lie and cheat for sexual thrills. 
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  2. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    So far, pretty much the easiest thing has been to avoid porn, to avoid arousal.  I can honestly say that I have only been aroused once in the last 23 days and that was when I was asleep and woke up in that state; so it was pretty much out of my control.

    Tonight was my second SAA meeting.  I spoke up in the 'General Share' part of the meeting.  Today has been a bad day, but it really does lift the depression a little to hear others speak.

    I saw a therapist for the first time on Monday and she touched on some of the big things in my life that might have been factors and reasons for what my sex and porn addiction was eating on - what I was trying to cope with.  And today it filled me with anger and grief.  In SAA people talked about Step 3 - turning one's will to 'God' or a higher power as we understand it.  At the moment I cannot consider that because whatever that higher power is chose to take our daughter from us just before she was born.

    I also passed on to my wife, sister and parents the questions that my solicitor has written down for me to consider, which will help draft my statement.  Some of the questions are pretty horrible to think about and my wife is so bitterly angry and upset with me. 

    I hate that my brain took me to depths that I don't consider to be okay.  I hate that I am sat on a single bed in a rented room, away from my wife and family.  I know this is all very self pitying, but maybe writing it down will help get rid of the power of that pity.

    Is there a difference between being (a) a good and decent person who has a dark shroud that sometimes envelopes them and (b) an evil monster who holds up a mask of a good person?  I think there is.  I am clinging to hope that there is.  I am sure I am (a), but what if I am (b) and I do not know it?  I am good and I am starting a journey to rid myslef of the shroud.  I am not evil trying to rid myself of the good mask.  My wife thinks I am (b) at the moment.

    My brain took my anger this afternoon and thought 'f**k it, f**k them, f**k everyone else, look at some porn, go pay a sex worker'.  It was low.  It was tempting.  I've not felt that tempted in 23 days.  I fought against it.  I thought of my motivation - my wife, my son, my twin girls, my little girl's memory.  That motivation is all I have at the moment.  I have nothing except my love for them and I am going to sodding well beat this because I want to look at them again one day as a clean person.

    What a rant.  Probably rather unstructured but I feel a bit better.  Thank you for reading and [virtually] listening to me.  It helps to share.
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  3. jem added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Dear PJ,
    I found your reply to Victoria very moving and helpful.
    I discovered my husband sex addiction 5 months ago, it has been so very very painful. He is on a mission to save our marriage, I love
    him very much, but cannot believe what he has done. Your reply helped explain it, again, as I need constant reminding! We have 3 children together
    and 28yrs history. I have grown up with him, so all the more shocking. He had a tough upbringing, that I am more inclined to blame more than he is!
    Since he completed the Paula Hall course he is now struggling with guilt, I don't think I help him by carrying all this pain.
    Any advice re overcoming Guilt?
    jem x
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  4. added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Where to even start, I have been a sex, porn, love addict probably starting about 12 years old, when games of dares on bus trips with a youth group were the norm. I then lost my virginity at 13yo so sex has always been a thrill for me.  Home life was turbulent and I never really had any recognition so constantly seek approval from people. My work life has been in a military then emergency service environment which has given me 20 years of trauma. The age of the internet from my early 30’s opened up a whole new world of porn, adult dating sites, swinger sites, gay saunas. (I am not gay, but will have sex with men purely for the thrill) I have always been in relationships and have always cheated, I have hurt many women and moved on when the damage was done.  I am now married to a fantastic woman who loves me, knows about my history and addiction, knows I have cheated on her time and time again but still wants to help me overcome this and have a normal happy life together.
    I had always promised myself as a child that I would be the father to my children, that my father wasn’t to me. (I don’t have any children of my own, but have a stepdaughter) I have always sought out relationships but still acted out for my thrills. I have always tried to analyze myself, I generally am a very honest person, I am helpful to others even total strangers but when it comes to sex, I lie, cheat and hurt people closest to me just for meaningless thrills.  I have tried changing, I have tried abstaining, I have read numerous books on the subject of addiction, I have been to many counselors and paid out a fortune all to just go back to acting out.  My confusion now is that I don’t know if that is just who I am, am I just someone with sexual tastes outside of the norm and should I just go and live that life, stop hurting my wife and anyone else in the future, forget about relationships. I do love and care very much for my wife and stepdaughter and I know I would miss them very much and regret it if I lost them. Even knowing that I still have my fantasies, desires and at times act out. Lately I am forced to confront my actions all the time, my wife monitors my phone,  media and I hav to account for myself all the time. There is no let up from the turmoil going on in my head.
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  5. Realitycheck added a post in a topic No improvement   

    I feel your pain too Janey.  It's just horrible. I'm not allowed to express to my partner iwithout being told by my partner I'm doing it to hurt him!  I very been in states of despair and his best is to scream at me that I'm doing all this to myself. I m causing my own pain! Any attempts to speak about it like an adult are met with the 'I don't know ow what you mean? Which is an improvement in sentence length from six months ago when it was two or three word sentences or worse, staring into space or leaving the room. It's soul destroying. I'm feeling  😔 😢 alone too. 
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  6. Janey36 added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    No improvement
    The husband is having counselling. Well he has had 3 sessions in the last three months, 45 mins a time. I shouldn't be surprised that nothing has changed. He started off full of enthusiasm, and for a few weeks never looked at porn. I knew without checking his computer when it started again. Just like all partners in this situation, once you know you can see when they have fallen again.
    I don't see how 45 mins a month and reading a book can really make a difference on a more permanent level. I appreciate that an addict has to want to overcome their addiction but I really don't see how it can happen without some sort of ongoing help and support from a professional. He was also told that he could call and make his next appointment when he was ready.........that's the kiss of doom. 
    I can see no way out of this, no change, just the next few years of my life lost in a haze of lies and pretence. My children are grown and now have their  own children. Its just him and me. 
    When my children were born I made a silent promise to each that I would never voluntarily leave them and I never would have done. I made no such promise to the grandchildren.
    I am heartbroken, alone, and lost. 
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    It sounds like the walking out point was just before he was going to tell his parents about his addiction, maybe that was just too much for him to handle at the moment 
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  8. Rosie added a post in a topic feeling guilt and shame about a past mistake online   

    The first part of this post sounds so so similar to my boyfriend/ex/mess situation, it’s almost exact beside the part about not watching porn and the incident with a minor. Please please do get specialist counselling, having gone through discovering my partners secret sexual life (I was also sent screenshots) he then was remorseful and full of shame, for a while, then the cycle of addiction rolled on and he did more, worse things ( if you google the cycle of sex addiction it will help understand where your at) Its only once he was ready to admit that he was sexually compulsive and was using female attention as a buzz and online and offline plus ever wilder stimuli needing more and more (even though we never stopped in terms of sex and were very active) that he began to be able to take steps to admit it was an addiction,  it was out of control...  and frightening once I found out where this was taking him. I hope sharing this is helpful, your best avenue IMHO is to go to a counsellor and tell them exactly what you have said here, they are trained to understand and help, the damage this does to your girlfriend is awful (not to mention the very worrying incident you speak about, which is extremely serious) and you are right to want to address this. It won’t go away just because you feel sorry, as you have realised, it’s a compulsion.
     Unless you start to work on yourself it will return and even if you do start therapy it takes a lot of fight and help to change the brains habits for the long term. 
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  9. Rosie added a post in a topic Threesomes   

    Hi Nick,
       it is hard to open up about these things but doing that here is a good first step if you do want to get help and change things in your relationships, what Josh is saying is valuable in that your motivation has to be to change for YOU firstly and most importantly as we can only change ourselves with this strong inner conviction, not if it’s only for someone else.
           what you describe does sound like compulsive sexual behaviours i.e texting women you don’t want even though you know it could cause problems in your relationship, would suggest it’s the attention (which gives a buzz) that your chasing and that’s what you would need to look into, why do you crave that attention. Try googling or even just reading other men’s stories here who have these issues, I’ve  read a lot on this due to my partner and also come from a family of an addict and have my own ‘compulsive behaviours’  not to say I’m any kind of expert at all but just trying to help. 
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  10. Aaron90 added a post in a topic CRISIS PHASE! ADVICE FROM EXPERTS/SEX ADDICTS OR PARTNERS   

    Hi Prue,
    I hope things have calmed down for you and are looking more positive.
    I’m a sex addict, I’ve been on a recovery route since the start of the year, and unfortunately can say that this is similar to my typical behaviour.
    I’m still working out my exact and full reasons as to why I, almost take on a whole new persona. But I can say that my problems are deep routed in my fear of intimacy, vulnarability and feelings of shame. I’m currently backtracking and picking out all of the things that have culminated in my problems, and I’m definitely not finished. Do you know of some areas of trauma or (both intentional and unintentional) neglect? 
    My issues typically stem from a family whereby the basic foundations of care and love were very compromised because there simply wasn’t enough time and energy to go around. Then a few specific traumatic incidents and no specific support over the vital development stages of my life mean I never learnt how to deal with emotion and specifically emotion in an intimate setting. Does this sound anything like your husbands childhood?
    Unfortunately, unless he really sees this issue for what it is, it’s very hard to get him to move forward. I explored the issue some time ago, and then ran away from it and rejected the idea. Of course it caught back up with me, and I feel horrifically trapped within it. I’ve had a bout similar to what you’ve described this past week, I’m in a position where any kind of sex worker is something that has only been resorted to once. However I did resort back to watching porn yesterday, something I’ve managed to not use in over a month, and I feel awful again. I’ve been emotionally and verbally abusive to my amazingly supportive partner and completely isolated her. It’s a horrible feeling knowing I’ve done this, and just creates more shame, and then more reason to act on my impulses.
    I become so saddened when I see stories from partners because it brings up feelings of guilt and I wish I could change the problems everyone has. 
    If your partner is back in communication in any way, maybe see if he’s open to just one session with a specialist therapist for just him, or maybe he’d even be willing to talk to me or open a conversation here? I’d be more than happy to talk to him.
    If you want to talk, there are a lot of partners here and at specific support groups. It is of course a really hard time for you, and you should make sure you get the support you need.
    I hope things improve for you.
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  11. Cat added a topic in Success Stories   

    Recovery story
    This is my journey through addiction, I hope it can help others see there is a way out.
    I first struggled with alcohol addiction and went to rehab in 2006, there it was quickly identified that my primary addiction was indeed sex addiction. I was hoffied and in complete denial. I refused to accept it and labeled myself an alcoholic. I carried on relapsing with alcohol and stayed in complete denial about SA until July 2007. Then my partner found out about my affairs and I told him I had been told I was a sex addict. But really  I wasn't ready to accept it myself. After another two trips to rehab, I finally managed to stop drinking in September 2009, and started my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous using the 12 step program. I managed to be faithful and not act out until February 2012.
    Then because all I had done in my recovery up until then, was deal with some of the symptoms (ie drinking) and I had been too afraid to look at the root causes and deal with the real issue,which was sex addiction I relapsed into SA. I tried to convince myself it was actually a new love of my life (even though I desperately loved my partner) and that it was not me using men to deal with my fears,shame, insecurities and pain. It escalated over the next 4 years to many sexual encounters and I came more insane and irrational.
    Eventually my partner found out again and I was ready to accept my real problems. I went to Paula Hall (as my partner had previously had some partners counselling with her back in 2007 when I was using 12 steps for my recovery). There I was introduced to my therapist and started my real journey into getting well.
    Too begin with I was still holding onto bits of  the truth and lying even to my therapist, but she was patient and she helped me see the need for absolute total honesty. To be honest I didn't know what true honesty was and it took me a while to learn how to be completely honest. I was so ashamed and so afraid to face all what I had done. But I knew that to deal with this meant dealing with the causes of my addictions, not just the symptoms. I had to accept why and how had I became so dependant on sex and lust to fill the pain inside me.
    The journey was painful and extremely hard at times, but I had the most amazing therapist and I was able to totally trust her in a way I had never trusted anyone. Over the years I have had some many people try and help me but she was different, she understood me and my issues totally. i will forever be so grateful to her. I spent 20 months going to see her once a week and I believe I needed that much time to really process my issues.
    One thing I did regret was D Day and trying to go through disclosure with my partner on our own and too early. As I took so long to be able to be completely honest, each time I tried to tell the full truth to my partner I either hide something or lied about something or denied it. This caused so much more pain. I wish we had waited until I was honest enough to do it properly. Eventually we did a therapeutic disclosure with two therapists from Paula's practice, which went very well. So I would advise using the therapists to help with this totally.
    My partner has been amazing and we are still together, I know I have been extremely lucky to have someone who understands my issues and believes in me overcoming them.
    I am just about to start seeing a new therapist from the practice who is relationship trained, who hopefully can help me further with some of my lasting relationship issues, and take me to a further place of healing.
    There is a way out, if you can be honest and face yourself and your shame.
    If there are any other females who would like to talk, I love to make contact, unfortunately the one draw back at the moment is there are not many women coming forward for help, so it can be  lonely journey.
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  12. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Thank you Victoria. I need to hear that now and then. If you haven't checked out my website, you'll find plenty more there,
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  13. Victoria added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Joshua. Your posts are fantastic. Keep it up, you are an inspiration. I’m following you with such interest. 😊
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  14. Judith added a post in a topic Struggling to trust again   

    I think the posts that have been added are amazing and I’m so pleased people shared their stories about their own recovery. It’s helped me to share this with people who understand. 
    I am working on myself and my own self esteem. Exercising, loosing weight, putting the time into making the best of myself, feeling confident . I do feel differently since new year- I am hoping every new year won’t feel the same as this year. The build up to the big events are always harder than the actual event. 
    Things are largely better with my husband- we try to talk things through every month so I don’t have to feel like I’m checking up on him and it gives us a chance to check in with how I am feeling and how he is feeling. I’m still so proud of how much he has engaged in therapy and moved forward with changing his life, even if this pride is tinged with worry that he’ll throw everything away and ruin our life but I can’t do anything to change the course of his choices. They are for him to make not me. All I can do is concentrate on myself and try to trust him again. 
    Good luck with your recoveries and relationships ladies. Xxx
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  15. jjj030303 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    feeling guilt and shame about a past mistake online
    sorry for the length of this
    I am in a loving relationship and because of this I have started to examine some of my past behaviour. When I look back at the way I acted before I met this person and fell in love, I believe I was displaying signs of sexual addiction. I would use mobile chatting programs, dating apps and spend all of my free time on them. This has a hugely negative impact on my social life and wellbeing in general (in hindsight) I would arrange dates which freqently ended in no strings attached sex. Sometimes I would see someone more than once but often not. I would engage in cyber sex and sexual conversations, often with several women at the same time...It was complusive behaviour. I only realised how messed up I was after I was caught by my girlfriend having a sexual conversation with a girl (who sent her screenshots)
    I justified this behaviour to myself by saying that it wasnt really cheating - it was just online. I really was using the women just like pornography - completely dehumanising them. I do not watch porn so this was like pornography to me I guess...after I was caught I realised how wrong I was and since then I have been undergoing a painful process of self realization. I am no longer engaging in that kind of behaviour, and I am serious about making this relationship work.
    Unfortunately one incident has come to the surface which I am having a hard time processing. 4 years ago I was online looking to chat to people locally. I was hungover and feeling really lonely and desperate. I started talking to a woman and we exhanged pictures. She said I looked sexy. Then when we exchanged ages she said she was 15. This had happened in the past and I had always exited the chat immediately. I am not interested in chatting to kids, have never sought that out or looked at any images nor had any fantasies related to kids. But this time I did not exit the chat. I have no idea why - I guess I just didnt care, or thought there were no consequences. I suppose it is self destructive behaviour.
    We chatted about nothing much for a while but the conversation did end up discussing sex. I cant remember the exact details as it was long ago and I have probably had thousands of chats since but I do know now that it was wrong to even be in this conversation at all regardless of content. After making that wrong and terrible decision to continue the conversation, I remember it quickly felt normal. I didnt feel like I was chatting to a kid. No pictures were exchanged but we did continue talking over the space of a few days. Then her account dissapeared, I remember thinking...that was stupid...a bit like waking up from a dream. Then I carried on with my life and forgot all about it. Until now.
    I cannot remember any details about her at all, and I hope that I had no impact on her life or her development as a young person. I am now shocked that I would have done such a thing, so dissapointed in myself for so many reasons, and unsure if I should tell my girlfriend this. It was a long time ago and nothing like that has ever happened to me again, nor do I have any desire for it to. I realize that people make mistakes and I am looking into sex addiction counselling as a way of dealing with my past issues. I am scared that if I hadnt fallen in love then maybe I would have never looked properly at this part of my life. I want to live a happy positve life and leave negativity in the past but I am not sure how to atone for my mistakes.
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  16. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic Threesomes   

    Sometimes dealing with our problems are what lead us to help. I'm a journalist by trade. I don't have the patience to get the licensing to be a counselor, unfortunately. I am a porn addict who has been in recovery and worked with fellow addicts for years, I've written a book about my experiences, run a website about porn addiction ( and I'm also one of the most well-read people I've met on the subject. Apologies if you feel like I hurt more than I helped. My bluntness is one of the things that makes me not want to enter the therapeutic field.
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  17. Kitty added a post in a topic Even my socks feel tight...   

    Sadcat most people would say they can't begin to know how you feel. Unfortunately the reason why most of us are here is we totally understand. Your words take me back a few months. 9 months ago I faced similar, although I knew infidelity was happening but hadn't understood the extent. Like you i uncovered what to me was the biggest breech in trust... in my home and bed. And the disclosure of this came from a woman who my partner had used for 4 years to fuel part of his addiction. She described the wallpaper in my bedroom and told me about how many times she had been in my bed whilst I'd been working away. My partner agreed to councilling early on and for us this has helped. We certainly aren't there yet and 9 months on my world is still uncertain, but there is hope. For a while I was out of control and now I feel far more stable. I still don't understand how someone who says they love you can have a 4 year affair, pretend they are in a couple with that person and be on a swingers website with them, pay for sex but not to prostitutes, meet various strangers on websites etc etc. I never will, but life has more hope. 
    I truly feel what you do and empathize with where you are. Wishing you turn a corner and with or without your husband find joy again. (I'm not quite at the joy stage but am hopeful!) 
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  18. Nick added a post in a topic Threesomes   

    You’ve given me more problems than help,looking at all the posts you comment on I’m just wondering if your a councillor,or just someone with a massive amount of knowledge 
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  19. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    At this point, even if you won Father of the Year six years in a row, you can understand why she wants to protect him. She wants to protect him from the hurt and betrayal that she's feeling and is projecting it. That's OK. She should have her reaction and you giving her time is just going to be one in 100 parts of this process. Have they explained what an "age appropriate" explanation means? I would think if a kid is almost 16, a non-graphic version of the truth is the best route.
    If a few more weeks go by and he's still in the dark, you may want to either talk to Children's Services and/or legal representation. You don't want one of his friends learning through the grapevine what happened and then recounting it back to Sam...and that's exactly what will happen. Your wife overprotecting him could actually cause more harm than good, but I'm sure she can't rationally see that right now. She probably doesn't realize when he does find out, one of the things he's going to wonder is why his mother hid information for so long...and he'll wonder that again and again through the rest of his life. But again, give her a little time to get her bearings. Let her know you're open to communicating with her and leave it at that.
    Aside from SAA, what other help are you getting? A fellowship of men for an hour a week is great, but that's not going to really get at the issues that led you to your porn addiction and it turning sinister. The more help you can get now, the better off you will be during the journey and the better it will look for whoever is deciding your legal fate come judgment day. Would you think an alcoholic who goes to one AA meeting a week for an hour and does nothing else is taking their recovery seriously?
    Hopefully the last 16 days have shown you that you're more resilient than you think. The sun will set, the sun will rise and you will still be here. This event didn't cause the earth to stop spinning. You're going to be OK, even if you don't know what shape or form that takes yet.
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  20. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic Being fair to myself   

    Hi Pj
    Thank you so much for your reply, I can't say enough how much it means to hear from someone who has been through this and is winning , lots of respect to you.
    I left my job in 2015 and according to his history he didn't look at any porn for 6 months but then it came back in June again daily. Then in 2016 again nothing until I discovered in the middle of that year. Again before 2015 it was daily for around 18 years. This is so confusing for me because I read so much of husband's who realise what they are doing and feel the guilt and shame then make that concious dissision  to stop but my husband says this never happened. 
    Since then I really do believe that he hasn't looked at any porn and is extremely aware when something comes on TV that he knows we are not comfortable with he will switch channel. 
    I think I was probably wrong in my initial reaction. ....first anger, disbelief, overwhelming sadness ect then back to anger, due to this I swore he would never need porn again and had sex every opportunity we had. Then one day everything changed, I felt that when I was with him he was thinking about what he had seen and of course this changed everything again. He tells me that he can't remember any of the videos he watched and he doesn't know why, weather he has just blocked it out or because it meant absolutely nothing to him. This is hard to believe as when we are together I still see their faces and what they were doing ect    ( as I was able to trace most of the videos watched in his history  )
    I suppose I think our marriage is now failing because I can't forget or forgive, i have to say he is doing  everything he can. I guess I'm so afraid to give everything I have to him again.
    I really respect everyone here who can give their partner lots of love and support and also the partners for their honesty.
    Sorry for the rant.
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  21. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Day 16.  My first visit to SAA.  I think it is true that as soon as you can talk about this addiction, it loses it's grip.  That's not to say I will ever be cured; I will have to talk about it for a long long time, but every time you break through the silence, the shame, the isolation, you kill a little tiny bit the addiction's hold.Truthfully, as others spoke, I wavered between hope, to terror and back again.  I have my motivation for getting through all of this, but I hope that motivation will remain a shining beacon for me to aim to.I am missing my wife and children so much.  I am in a rented spare room.  All I have of them are a few photos I was able to pick up when I collected some clothes a couple of weeks ago.Children's Services want to see that we have talked to Sam and given an age appropriate explanation.  I emailed a draft letter for him to my wife but she doesn't appear willing to let him know what is going on.This is a long long road I have started, and the start of it sucks.
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  22. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic 4 months post discovery - a partner's persceptive   

    You shouldn't have to convince anyone you have a problem. You sound desperate to win her back, not desperate to get better.
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  23. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic Threesomes   

    You describe a few different things here.
    You want something, even if it's just passive attention from these other women. You wouldn't do it for no reason. People don't work that way. You may just not know, or want to admit the reason to yourself. In a committed relationship, you shouldn't be doing this.
    As for your sexual fantasies, you should be able to share them with your girlfriend without her flipping out. If she says, "No, I don't want to do that" you either respect it or you move on. In a healthy relationship, each people have boundaries, and they are respected, but so is open communication. Do you think its this or the texting that sent her away?
    Do you really feel like you need help - if so, for what? Or do you feel like you need to get help in order to win her back?
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  24. Nick added a post in a topic 4 months post discovery - a partner's persceptive   

    I’m not addicted to porn but texting other women and wanting her to have a male male threesome,how do I convince my girlfriend I have a real problem and not just finish with me as she has,I’m desperate 
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  25. Nick added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    i have the urge to get my girlfriend to take part in a threesome,2 men and her,ive done this in almost every relationship I’ve ever had,my girlfriend has now finished with me because she thinks it’s weird and totally wrong that I would want to watch her being fucked by other men,I also have a bad habit of texting other women even though I don’t want them in the slightest,I love my girlfriend and her kids with all my heart but she now finished with me and it’s made me realise I neeed help if I want to try and win her back.
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