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  1. Alys added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Living with the aftermath of porn addiction
    It has been almost a year since my partner's porn addiction came to a head when I had a complete collapse of my self estee. It was more or less a total emotional breakdown. My partner had been using internet porn for 15-16 years which I knew about. In the early days when I discovered it in his internet history he half heartedly agreed to quit but he never did. He became very thorough about hiding and deleting any evidence and without anything to "prove" I felt powerless to raise the subject even though I knew he was using it – the closed door, rapidly clicking and closing the browser window as soon as I walked in, sitting in his dressing gown with tissues on his desk. I felt there was nothing I could do.
    By the time I reached breaking point in 2015 I don't think we'd had sex in 7 or 8 years, and I really do mean nothing at all. After porn arrived in our home via the interest our sexual activity was affected, not greatly to begin with, but the tailing off dramatically with faster connections and streaming video. From my perspective, he totally lost interest in me sexually and I believed that he no longer found me attractive. He didn't notice me even if I was stark naked in front of him, there were no compliments about my appearance, nothing. What finished of four sex life was that on the rare occasions he reciprocated my advances - and it was always me doing the initiating - he would lose his erection and be unable to finish. Sometimes there would be no physical response to my touch at all. All this compounded the belief that  he was no longer interested in me sexually and was not attracted to me. When I used to see that closed door when I knew he was watching porn, it broke my heart because he had plenty of drive for that rubbish and NOTHING for me. I interpreted that as "fact", that I was an unattractive, sexually boring old prune whose time had been and gone. I felt that the evidence was right there, staring me in the face and I just had to suck it up and hope that his interests didn't go beyond "just" porn  
    After it all came to a head, I probably felt even worse because he wouldn't be straight with me. He admitted to having gone to strip pubs a few times some years ago but insists he hadn't been for years, not since before he could watch all the internet porn he wanted for free without having to go anywhere, but that only came to light by accident otherwise he'd never have told me. If I am being honest, I don't know whether he's told me everything, but I do know that he lied to me about aspects of his porn use even though he agreed to be open and honest with me.
    Over the years, life happens so there have been many stressful situations to get through. I know that plenty of other things can affect relationships but where there is a porn addiction an emotional distance will also happen and I have to say he wasn't always "there for me" emotionally and when I tried to be there for him it's almost as if he was resisting me or pushing me away. I felt very isolated and I still do. 
    He agreed to quit porn last year. I had no idea but it was making him miserable. He had tried to quit but couldn't and when the ISP blocked adult content when the law was changed he got a bit desperate to get his porn fix. I was surprised at what a grip it had over him. He was also completely oblivious to how much his behaviour was hurting me. 
    My life hasn't been the same since the day I broke down. It was an emotional roller coaster. It's not as bad as it was but I still feel confused and bewildered. I feel very uncertain about everything. Was our past just a lie? Everything I once believed going back to our very happy years before porn feels like one big con. Was he always living a secret life? What else don't I know. This is a man who could look me in the eye and tell me an outright lie. Trust is never the same again. I don't even know what trust feels like any more. If he can lie about something as stupid as porn, how can I expect him to be honest about more "serious" issues like fidelity? What other lies has he told me? 
    I had a course of counselling and further help for low level depression. I've read the self help book for partners. I'be slowly improved my self esteem which was non existent a year ago. I  hate what his porn behaviour has done to me. My sense of self worth, my identity even. Yet I know I'm an attractive and intelligent woman. It's just that no woman can ever feel sexually confident and attractive when she's with a man who has ogled and objectified and fantasised about thousands of other women, even if it's just make believe on a screen. There have been occasions when the thought of him touching me has made me feel sick and made me want to get in the shower and scrub myself clean of him. Some days I just feel so rotten and alone.
    There hasn't been a happy ever after. Tackling the porn issue has turned my world upside down. Sometimes I feel optimistic. Other times I feel very, very low. I always feel uncertain. I still feel emotionally disconnected from him sometimes, especially when this situation gets me down. 
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  2. Fiona added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    How do I know he's not just faking recovery
    Hello, so my husband is about to start this whole process, we have been to two therapists before and no luck, not ones however that specialise in this area though.... We have only just got here, it's been eight years of hell and we have two children. How do I know he isn't just going along with it to keep the family together?? "Yes dear, I'll do anything" till we all believe he's ok and he starts again! Or is this something I have to accept might be happening for the rest of our marriage?! 
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  3. Claire added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Polesden,
    I really appreciate you  checking in but unfortunately things are not good.  He let me know with a shrug the other night that he had read Paula's book about partners a while ago.  I had hoped that reading it might make some difference to his attitude.  No difference whatsoever.  The book he read in his mind was "Sex Addiction:  The Addict's Perspective".  I just don't understand what's going on in his head.  How could anyone read that book and not have some sympathy or empathy for the partner?  More counselling would just be a waste of time.....
    Claire
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  4. Polesden added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire
    How are things for you? Wondering if you talked to him about skyping with a trained sex addiction therapist - I guess you have nothing to lose by asking him - and if he's not willing to try then maybe that gives you an indication of his desire to work n his stuff.....hang in there
     
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  5. Polesden added a post in a topic Sex addict or philanderer   

    Hey Wife....I'm so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation - it is so disorienting and awful and deeply confusing - I have been  where you are.....and I agree, it probably doesn't matter whether it is addiction - you have been horribly wronged and betrayed however you look at it. The thing about addiction is that it's not an excuse for what he's done, it doesn't make it any better but it might help explain it.
    I think a helpful way to work out whether it's an addiction is to know whether he was enjoying himself or not. If he wasn't, he was probably acting out of addiction and compulsion. I know my husband looks back and remembers the pain of the years when he was acting totally against his moral values but was unable to stop because he did not understand that he was in the grip if addiction. It's a deeply dark and hopeless place to be and he would say now that he will do anything it takes to never go back there.  It's also a deeply shameful place to be which is why addicts are trapped for so long because they feel they can't admit to the mess they are in.....
    hope that helps you a little? I recommend Paula Hall's book for partners - it really helped me to understand better what was happening to me in those awful early days after discovering his unfaithfulness.....hang in there and get some help if you possibly can
    Thinking of you....
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  6. Wife added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Sex addict or philanderer
    I have recently discovered that my husband of 8 years has had multiple affairs throughout our marriage and probably our entire relationship. 
    He thinks it is a sex addiction. How can I know if it is or if he is just unfaithful and never committed to me?
    it sounds although over the years things have escalated from flirting, through to kissing, sexting etc ending up with multiple sexual affairs It is only in the last few years that things regularly became sexual. Does that mean that it was not a sex addiction in the early years but now is? Or did he just realise over time that he could get away with affairs so did more and more. 
    I am not even sure if it matters if he was addicted or not I guess cheating is still cheating but I just can't make sense of how he could do this for so long when he claims he always loved me.
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  7. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Recovery time taking it's toll   

    Hi Krista,
    Thanks for writing in.  Firstly let me assure you that unfortunately this is very natural.  The challenge working in sex and porn addiction is that recovery is not about abstinence, but about reclaiming your sexuality from the addiction and developing a healthy sex life.  That definitely can happen, but it does take time and often professional support.  Have you got a copy of my partners book? (Sex Addiction - The Partner's Perspective).  If not, do get one as there is a whole section on rebuilding sexual intimacy.  Assuming your partner really is in full recovery, then I would recommend you both see a psychosexual therapist together.  We can provide that service for you, but if finances are a problem then you will find psychosexual therapists on the NHS, or of course, your local Relate centre who may be able to offer low cost sessions.  A sex therapist will be able to help you with your communication together as well as helping you to rebuild your sex life into something that both of you can enjoy.  Ideally your therapist should be trained in sex addiction as well so they can work with any triggers that may arise for your partner.  Hope that helps. 
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  8. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
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  9. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    Understanding Partners Needs

    Until

    ex and porn addiction can devastate partners and many people struggle to know how to support their partners whilst continuing on their own recovery journey. This day focuses on understanding partner’s needs, improving communication and developing the essential requirements for rebuilding trust.
     
    The day has been specifically designed for people with addiction who are already in recovery and want additional insight and resources to rebuild their relationship. The workshop will help attendees to:-
     
    Understand the emotional impact on partnersUnderstand how disclosure affects partner’s responseDemonstrate empathy for partners feelingsManage their own internal emotional responses to partnersDemonstrate empathy and compassionImprove accountabilityDevelop better communication skillsResolve and reduce conflictUnderstand the essentials for rebuilding trust 
    The day will run from 10.00 am to 4.30 pm with lunch and refreshments provided.
    Places are limited, so if you would like to join us.
    NB – confidentiality is of paramount importance to the practice and hence attendees will only be required to give their first names on the day and no other personal details will be shared.    
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  10. Claire added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Thanks Paula for that.  I hadn't realised that it was possible to get therapy via skype.  I will say it to my husband although I'm reluctant at this stage to try anything new as I'm worn out having been through absolute hell for the last two and a half years.  I'm afraid of getting my hopes up at all as I've been working on acceptance of the situation lately and your book has been a great help to me.  Hope can obscure reality and my reality for so long has been that I'm in an extremely miserable relationship with a man who refuses to accept what he has done and has blamed me from day 1. The only reports that I have ever got from him regarding his sessions in therapy is what the therapist thinks I should do ....one apparently "loves the sinner (me) but not the sin (mine!)!!  Confused?  Me too!  He insisted one time on accompanying me to my therapist so that he could tell her " how I have damaged him".  I'm seriously at the end of my tether and feel there's no hope. 
    I will mention your therapy to him however in case he wants to avail of it.. It is extremely difficult to find a therapist here with the proper training in this field. He has been to 5 though and they haven't had any breakthrough.
    Thanks so much for your reply.
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  11. Krista added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Recovery time taking it's toll
    Hello there.
    So I suppose I can count myself as one of the lucky ones in that my partner has saught help for his addiction. We've been together for around four years, it was a year or so in that our sex life became non-existent and some months after that I threatened to leave as I thought he was cheating and that was when he uncovered the truth to me. Ever since this point it has been a struggle but each time I feel some progress is made!
    My partner is 34 but has been addicted to porn since a teenager, so I think it is safe to say that the addiction is strong. He first tried to go without it with the help of a few online forums, this went well for a while and we did eventually regain a bit of intimacy (our sex life was absolutely non existent for a long time as he suffered porn induced e.d and also found that if he wasn't in the right frame of mind, sex would make him feel edgy and anxious, almost as though it was a relapse). but he still had a lot of triggers so there were a few relapses and when our relationship became rocky because of the strain he started again and tried to hide it.
    This time around he is taking things more seriously and has invested some money in an online course with a few phonecalls to therapists etc, which i feel has helped. It is going well so far in the sense that he has not relapsed and has gotten to grips with what are potential triggers, but for me the problem is intimacy.
    Putting the hell of this all aside, every other aspect of our relationship is going pretty well. We have nice friends, socialize together, work out together, lots of cuddling and just enjoy being eachothers friends. But we haven't had a normal sex life for coming onto three years, and the last year has had NO sex whatsoever. And discussion on the topic is strained, as he feels pressured and I feel unfulfilled it can get quite difficult to get a word out without offending eachother so we tend to avoid the topic, which makes it worse.
    I have stayed for so long and feel like I have dealt with so much and taken it all in my stride, but this is really beginning to effect me and as this type of addiction is still relatively unreported in the mainstream I am at a loss at what to do.
    Can I ever expect to regain a sex life? How long do I need to stick around before I know whether it is ever going to happen? We haven't been intimate in so long and i am so painfully aware that for my partner, sex isn't a natural and enjoyable thing.
    It would be amazing to get some of my own help to understand this but it is so expensive and there is nothing much the nhs offers. Any advise any of you are able to give would be so welcomed.
     
    Thanks for listening!
     
    Krista
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  12. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire,
    I've just read through the posts and wanted to make sure you were aware that we can provide therapy via video skype.  Many people come to our intensives from other countries, so that doesn't have to be a barrier.  But if travel isn't possible, we can support you, your husband, or/and you as a couple via skype.  I know it's not the same as face to face, but it's better to work in this way with an experienced therapist than face to face with someone who's not trained in this field. 
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  13. Paula Hall added a post in a topic How to make a decision   

    Hi Elena,
    Thanks for getting in touch.  Yes you're right, there are many partners affected by this.  Pornography addiction can have a devastating effect on men's libido and their ability gain and maintain an erection.  Consequently they often withdraw more and more from having a sexual relationship with their partner.  It worries me that he's been going for help but isn't sharing with you what's going on.  Has he stopped?  Does he have the tools to stop?  Does he understand what caused and maintained his addiction?  Without these things it's going to be very difficult for the two of you to rebuild trust and rebuild your sexual relationship.  I think you're right not to go back to Relate.  Relate are an excellent organisation (I am Relate-trained myself), but most of the counsellors are not trained in porn addiction.  It might also be worth checking that your husband is working with a therapist who is trained and experienced in this area as well.  If they're not, then he may not be getting the help he (and you) need.  Do get in touch if we can help and have a look at the other resources available on this site.  Bw,  
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  14. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    Thanks for your post - I guess you really need to decide if you want to stop.  It sounds as though you know your behaviour is getting in the way of your relationship with your wife and it sounds as if it's getting in the way of your every day functioning as well.  Lots of people think about sex a lot, there's nothing wrong with that, but if you feel compelled to act out when you don't want to.  And/or you find yourself preoccupied by fantasies that you can't fulfil - then you have a problem.  The bottom line is that compulsive sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviours get in the way of you enjoying an 'achievable' sex life.  In other words, you find yourself always wanting more than what you currently have - rather than being able to enjoy what you have.  If you've not already done the assessment on this site - I recommend you complete it and maybe get in touch for some help.  Bw.
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  15. Elena added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    How to make a decision
    Hi! I'm the wife of a porn addict. Since the day we got married 4 years ago, sex went less and less present. The second year into our marriage he proposed couple theraphy. I did my best but nothing would improve. We stayed in therapy for one year and closed 'successfully' even if I knew there was no connection nor reestablished sex. After another few months he ammitted to be porn addicted since teenage. I knew something didn't feel right but had no idea. He went to therapy on his own. I don't have any update since, communication is zero, sex and any physical contact is zero. I tried to dig myself into my work and see if he sorted himself out in the meantime. Now I've lost my job and with more time available I realised that I should have faced this issue instead of hiding . It s been almost 2 years since his realisation. I'm looking for support but I don't want to go back to Relate since we had couple theraphy there and that only increased my low self esteem making me think I was the problem. I feel I need to make a decision but I can't see clearly what to do next.
    I believe there are many partners affected by this, and maybe a support group or can you suggest where else to find counselling and what are the steps to go back to sanity? 
    Thank you!
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  16. Claire added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Polesden,
    Thanks so much for that.  It's a great help to me to hear from someone with similar experience to me.  No, my husband hasn't done the course as we're not based in the UK.  I wonder would it make a difference at this stage as we've had nearly three years of therapy and he's still playing the blame game with me.  He'd never agree with you that it's his stuff that's causing the problem.  During our last marriage counselling session he spent a considerable amount of time talking about a row we had in 1988 that was all my fault!
    Having read Paula's book and other literature based on this whole ghastly nightmare I'm beginning to think that I'm flogging a dead horse.  Paula's 5 pillars that we are asked to read every day deal with not being able to change your partner and I think maybe it's time I accepted that and try to move on.  It's great that you both managed to turn things around but I seriously doubt at this stage that it's a possibility for us. 
    Claire
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  17. Polesden added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire
    Yes I think many of us have struggled with this - I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with.  It really can mess with your head, like you say.  It sounds like maybe he isn't really owning his stuff and being totally committed to turning things around?  I get the feeling you are working harder on this than he is, which isn't the right way round when it is HIS stuff that is causing the problem!
    Has your husband done Paula's course - this is something they address on it and my husband changed dramatically after doing the course.....he learned to take responsibility for his own stuff and not try and blame ANY of it on me which was such a relief and probably saved our relationship.  Even reading Paula's book may help him understand that this isn't about your stuff - yes, of course, all of us partners are imperfect and could do with working on ourselves but that is nothing to do with his sex addiction.  
    do whatever you can to get him on the course - will be thinking of you.
     
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  18. Claire added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Sex addiction and lack of empathy
    Hi,
    I've just finished reading Paula's book for partners and have found it very helpful.  My husband began using porn 10 years ago and I had absolutely no idea even though the signs were there.  He confessed 2 and a half years ago because he says he couldn't live with the shame any more and thought telling me would make him stop.  He has admitted that he didn't come clean because of any feeling of guilt or concern for me - I was never an issue  all through the years. 
    I won't go into my shock etc as it's been well documented how partners suffer on discovering sex addiction in their relationship.  My question concerns recovery in the addict and the absence of empathy.  We have been to 6 therapists over the 2 and 1/2 years.  One of the therapists was a marriage counsellor and the others were all individual therapists - one for me and the others for him.  I have been determined from the start to stay with him for the sake of our two teenage boys.  They come first for me - of that there is absolutely no doubt.  But it's becoming impossible to continue living with him as he shows no empathy whatsoever.  From the outset he has insisted on talking about my "issues".  He says he's sorry for what he's done but that I have problems too that need to be addressed.  The marriage counselling was particularly hard to sit through as he would bring up petty incidents from the past to try and shame me and would minimise what's being going on for the last 10 years.  Therapists have pointed out his lack of empathy and used lots of examples to try and make him realise that he's not showing genuine remorse  but he simply doesn't agree with them.  I never really knew what the word "defensive" meant before but I could write a book on it now!  We're together 34 years and had a fantastic relationship up to about the time this started.  I've given up on the marriage therapy now as it just wasn't working for us.  She would tell him to try certain things to help with his empathy and he would seem enthusiastic but by the next day all would be forgotten.  He has admitted to feeling great anger and resentment towards me and I feel it in everything he does.  I don't understand it.  I sometimes panic because I think he's still manipulating me and I sometimes feel so helpless as if my brain is in a fog and if I don't get away I'll end up in a padded cell! 
    Has anyone out there experienced anything similar to this?  I am desperate as I feel I can't take any more but I worry so much about my sons.
    Claire
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  19. Muppet added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    Hi PJ
    Thank you for your message, much appreciated.
    Helpful to have a male perspective on this. Your honesty helped too, thank you.
    We will get through this I am sure, we are and have always been a 'strong team' but it will take the time it takes and love/patience will be required to see it through to the end - a long road I guess - early days for us.
    You mentioned 'Hope' - I cling to this fragile word.
    Huge respect to you for doing so well with your addiction and to your exceptional wife - treasure her she is a gem...
    Muppet
     
     
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  20. montypython added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Constantly Thinking of sex
    Hi all, I don't know if i'm the only one but i'm constantly thinking of sex or thinking of touching myself to ease the urge. I am 32 average looking guy and just can't get enough of sex. I am working now thinking of it. It is becoming annoying for my wife as I want to play out all these fantasies but never have anyone who is will to try. Is there anything that I can do?
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  21. PJ added a topic in Success Stories   

    A year into recovery
    12 months ago I was about to go on a Recovery Intensive with Paula.  I had been exposed to porn from the age of 9 or 10, struggled with compulsive masturbation since puberty, compulsively watched internet pornography wasting hours most weeks and started visiting sex workers over the previous 4 years.  
    9 months previous to going on the course I began to come to my senses - that I needed help and that the road I was on was leading me down into greater risk and ultimately destruction.  I came across Paula and went into counselling in January.  She was keen for me to go onto the intensive course but I wasn't ready, and to be honest a bit sceptical.  
    The counselling was helpful, but the residential intensive was life-changing.  On it I got to the point of desperation, committing myself to doing whatever it takes to get free from this destructive addiction - even to the point of deciding to tell my wife who had no knowledge of what I was up it.  The course empowered me to make different choices.
    I could write so much about the journey over the last year.  It has been incredibly difficult and challenging - at the same time it has felt good, so good - to be doing the right thing, living in honesty, being out of the bubble and being emotionally present to my wife.  It is possible, if you are desperate, to escape the slavery of this addiction - but you can't do it on your own.
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  22. PJ added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    Hi M
    I am recovering from the addiction, pretty much free since going on an intensive with Paula a year ago.
    A few thoughts from the addicts/man's side.
    1. You are no muppet.  Addicts are very skilled at keeping things secret.  They do that because they hate what they are doing, it makes them feel awful, they don't know where to go for help, think they can manage it, go back to it when they feel down or defeated and it carries on.  Many don't want to hurt their spouses and so keep it secret, thereby unwittingly reinforcing the addiction cycle.  You are no muppet - you have been deceived by someone who has become very good at deception.  
    2. My wife, didn't know anything until I told her - at that point I had not 'acted out' for a month having made a clean break on Paula's course.  She was totally devastated and disorientated.  She helped herself (and me) by being uncompromising.  She set some clear boundaries - she kicked me out of the bed, and would have kicked me out of the house if circumstances had allowed, for a couple of weeks (and it would have been for longer if it hadn't been for the kids etc), and forbid any idea of sex for 3 months.  She took off her wedding ring etc.  The signals were clear and uncompromising.   
    3. We talked lots and lots.  She read lots and lots, got help from forums etc - you aren't alone and will find a whole community out there who has been/are in the same situation as you.  She found a counsellor for partners (through Paula) who gave her some good advice.  We began a journey and we are a year in.  One thing that really helped was radical honesty.
    4. This is not your fault.  Sure none of us our perfect and no marriage is perfect, but many in similar situations others don't turn to inappropriate/secret sex to comfort themselves and he didn't need to either, he had other options and choices.  He took the wrong ones.
    5. There is hope.  You and your marriage can survive.  You are on a journey.  We are a year in and in many ways our marriage is better than it has ever been - for many reasons but probably one of the main ones was that before I was emotionally absent and had been most if not all of our marriage.  I am not now.
    I hope that helps.
     
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  23. Muppet added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    HI
    I realise I was very low yesterday - so sorry for spilling over
    - the good news is that hubby has taken his first steps to getting help so that is very positive and I am encouraged by his attitude at wanting to get this fixed once and for all
    - hopefully looking at the reasons behind the addiction will be the key here and that is what this website is all about - changing the thought patterns re this horrible subject and addiction to it....things are already making sense to him now (ie why he does/did it) and this will definitely help him to give it up which I am confident he can now do with more help of course.
    Thank you for this supportive site - it has really helped us, small steps I know but hopefully all positive ones...
    Muppet
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  24. Muppet added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    HI E
    Thank you for your response, sorry you are going through it too..
    All that you say makes sense and I have done some research myself and hubby and I have spoken about the future. Of course this is very hard but as you say the decision to quit has to come from him (which is what he is saying right now, yes he will quit) but I don't think it will be as easy as he thinks it will - like all men they don't really want to face big issues, especially when it involves them. But some credit to my hubby who is trying to do something about this problem and that has to be a good start, even talking about it is hard for him
    I am going to insist he speaks to a professional though as I can't be his sounding board over this and I think a male needs to talk to a male. I don't think I will do that for me though - once I know where this is all going I will either be in or be out of this marriage and if it ends with me being out then sobeit.
    I don't know about the future - as I say - everything seems so surreal at the moment and I am nervous and anxious and under pressure with all this - coping just about and because he had an emotional affair a year or so back with a work colleague (linked to the addiction of course - which I didn't know was linked at the time but do know now after having done more research into this addiction) - we worked through that problem and I thought were doing very well ! (hence the muppet name) because I then got hit with this on top - a double whammy....more lies and deceit - so horrible
    So he is very much on a dodgy wicket now as I sincerely have had enough of being treated so disrespectfully and as I type this I am realising just how much cr..p I have had to deal with by his hand but my marriage vows say 'for better or worse' and an addict needs help I guess - so depending on the direction of the wind the pendulum swings back and forth - I guess at some point in the future something will give or not and things will improve or not
     Thank you for your advice 
    Muppet
     
     
     
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  25. E added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    Hi there. I'm so sorry you are finding out after such a long time. But you are certainly not a muppet!
    I am going through a similar thing right now and again, found out (having suspected for a long time) and confronted him a few months ago, but it didn't stop. Now i have discovered he carried on, got caught yet again, he has finally admitted there is a problem when 3 months ago, he used every excuse in the book including "well it was over between us anyway" or "I just dont believe in monogamy" etc. Ultimately one thing I know is sure: this is not my fault. This is not your fault either.
    Its my understanding, from all the research I have done into partners going through this, that there is nothing you can say or do to change the behaviours, ultimatums don't work and the only way this can move forward now is for him to accept his problem and actually do something about it, get some help as soon as possible. You can't force an addict to change, only they can decide.
    For your own part, you need to be selfish and either take yourself away for a while, or if not possible, ask him to. If neither of those are possible, at least focus on yourself now. Constantly checking on him, being anxious all the time can only serve to make things worse. For me, we are having a 3 month break whilst he gets some help. Its left me in a massive financial hole, but its better than living like I was, feeling isolated and constantly nervous. Some days it doesn't feel that way, but one day at a time.
    It might be an idea to seek some counselling for yourself. It really helps. Only you can decide what is right for you and your future. But it takes some time to figure that out and what your boundaries are going forward.
    E
     
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