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  1. Hannah added a post in a topic Partner of a porn addict and my own painful history   

    Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to do so  
    To my knowledge, my partner didn't watch violent porn, but he certainly developed a compulsion to use porn to the exclusion of our sex life. People would consider it strange that a couple didn't have sex for years but that's what really happened. It was a gradual process that happened over time, years not months. Initially I thought his internet porn use was just from the novelty and curiosity of being able to access it online for the first time but it became a regular habit very quickly and had an almost immediate effect on our sexual relationship, although it was subtle at first. What killed it off was his perennial loss of interest in having sex with me. 
    I actually believe that the roots of his porn addiction go further back Without going into too much detail, he was primed for it to happen as soon as he had access to an unlimited supply. 
    I sought counselling for myself as well as a course of CBT on the NHS, but it's really difficult because my recovery encompasses so many aspects. There's ageing, poor body image, low self esteem, loss of identity, a collapse in the trust I had for my partner - especially when I discovered how easily he could lie about it, loss of the ability to communicate openly with each other and the shame of being rejected for porn. 
    Something else I want to say about porn: The normalisation of porn makes it very difficult for women to speak out about their partner's  porn use.  The most common reaction is "all men watch porn" and the reaction is either to get over it and don't be a prude, or alternatively or that we should pornifying ourselves to please our men, or watching it with him.  It's almost always about accommodating what the man wants.  But what about the man accommodating what the woman wants?  I didn't one porn as the third-party in my relationship, because that's effectively what it was,  but my husband didn't respect that. 
    My objection to porn isn't necessarily on moral grounds, although I find the extent of objectification of women in modern-day porn absolutely abhorrent. Nor is my objection of porn because of my what happened in the past. It's because of the very negative impact of porn on my relationship. 
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  2. Ian added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Porn
    Hi. 
    I have just read about porn and sex addiction and think I need some help in dealing with mine.
    I am now 50 and have been using porn for the obvious since the age of about 14. Over the year's this has increased to a two or three time a day every day habit. Spending so long on line.trying to satisfy my urge. I have spent a lot of money in the past calling sex lines on  cam sites which are very expensive  and can be so addictive. I am pleased to say that  I managed to stop this with out help before I got married
     
    I  have been married  for 5 years and love my wife,   but I would choose to spend hours on line looking at porn and  pleasure my self rather than make love to my wife. This makes me feel so bad. My wife always enjoys sex and it is great most of the time but due to my habit has caused my erection to be unreliable at times.  this is why i must do somethng about it before i loose her. She doesn't know about my habit but I fear that she will catch me in an embarrassing position one day. 
    I now think it is time for me to quit this all absorbing habit that gives brief satisfaction but such a lot of guilt, before I loose my wife.
    This has been quite an  embarrassing  thing for me to write  and face up to, and admit.
    Any advice please
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  3. Emotionally Drained added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Lack of Understanding
    I found out 2.5 years ago that my husband of nearly 27 years had a sex addiction, I had kind of guessed something was not right but after years of trying to confront and ask questions it became easier to deny and carry on best I could.  When I discovered the truth my world fell apart, so what next I thought, funny it was relief initially I knew I had been right but what about us, the truth being there hadn't been an us for many years.  He started a 12 step program and has now been over 2 years in "recovery" but that is where my problem has really started...... he lacks total understanding for the stress and pain he has caused me and our sons.  He talks the talk but in reality he is not doing his daily suggestions and seems detached from all reality of normal life.  I feel confused by the steps and how he says he is no longer doing what he did yet he cannot live a life without problems.  He gets stressed, sleeps days away and then blames me for not planning things in his outer circles.  I work full time and he seems to be unaware of the real life responsibilities around him.  We tried couple counselling, which I was happy he agreed to as I had reached my breaking point with the pain I was feeling.  He chose the counsellor - an ex addict recommended to him, that was not helpful like a post I read earlier the blame became about me and things he fabricated in his own mind, past events and I came away feeling like the person who had done everything wrong.  I was wondering if others had found once their partners had completed the steps if they really changed or is life living with a recovering sex addict a journey of pain and roller coaster of emotions.  I love him dearly but am now feeling so tired of the hurt and not knowing whether he is carrying a resentment for something he thinks I should have said or done and needs to speak to his sponsor before he can clear the air or tell me what I need to do.  I have grown as a person and continue to do so and feel that that growth is pushing us apart and I feel sad that I am unsure if I have felt real love and connection to the man I have spent all my life with.    I am now independent of my own life goals and am a stronger more resilient person but equally I want a partner who loves me for me and not somebody who seems to get confused by his own thoughts and knows how to stay sober.  The last resort for me was this weekend when he had been moody, I challenged, he said he had resentments towards me and his sponsor suggested we needed a meeting to discuss them - " a meeting?!" - furthermore if I didnt he runs the risk of spiraling out of control.... I do not buy into any of that stuff now but equally I feel angered that he can still say things like that and think it is ok?  Any help, reflections or similar experiences would be welcome.  
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  4. AddictOnWayToRecovery added a post in a topic Sex & Porn Addiction - Here to help   

    Hello Rob,
    Thank you for getting in touch and sorry for my late reply.
    Thank you for the encouraging words and I am glad we share the battles we've had to face to manage this addiction. What has worked for me was a day by day plan rather than a long term one. I felt that short-term targets were much easier to manage, but I understand that everyone is different.
    I believe that two things massively helped me on my way to recovery and are still helping me to this day. My wife and exercising.
    I have never disclosed the full extent of my porn watching habits to my wife, but I am sure she knew. She found it difficult talking to me about it (and vice-versa), as I would suddenly become aggressive and protective. I just couldn't talk to anyone about it as I was so ashamed and I knew it was something I had to deal by myself. I might be a complete hypocrite, but I would not advise this to anyone. I strongly believe that support from someone close hugely increases the chances of success; I was just too proud to show any weaknesses.
    Re-discovering the intimacy with my wife was incredible... Wanting to make love to her was something I hadn't felt for a while and our healthier sex life was the perfect alternative to porn. At the beginning it was still tough, even with the sex. I could have easily gone back to watching porn a few hours later, but my "daily avoidance target" helped me fight the craves. Part of my brain was constantly thinking of porn, the other was fighting it. Will power is key here, but distractions (such as going for a walk, reading, socialising, playing with my children etc) will take your mind off it to a certain extent. The hardest time for me was when I was at work, as I am on my own in my office. I would usually watch some porn at some point during my working day, but I managed to get through the habit by trying to be as productive as possible.  
    For people out there who don't have a sexual partner, exercising is the perfect solution. Physical exercise induces the brain into releasing similar chemicals (dopamine, endorphin,etc) to watching porn and giving in to the addiction. It is a good distraction that takes your mind off it and I always felt that after exercising the craves were much more manageable. The main problem I can find in the scenario where there is no sexual partner, is the need to masturbate as sex is not a possibility. If it was me, I would probably masturbate only when necessary, but without the aid of porn or any erotic material.
    I wish you all the best, Rob, in the hope you'll stay strong during this battle.
    V
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  5. AddictOnWayToRecovery added a post in a topic Sex & Porn Addiction - Here to help   

    Thank you so much Gandiziesed44... All the best to you and your husband also!
    You are right, the consequences of sex addiction to family life are truly devastating as it eats away all the trust that has been built over the years. I just don't know how I have managed to put myself in the situation, but I'm guessing it's due to how porn and sex in general is easily accessible nowadays.
    Stress for me was definitely a trigger. If I had a difficult day at work or an argument with my wife, I would seek comfort in porn. Then porn would spoil my relationship... It's such a vicious circle, but I felt that dealing with my stress by talking (rather than bottling up) helped massively in my way to recovery. Self discipline is paramount!
    Please feel free to post on this thread should you have any questions you might find benefit in asking.
    All the best to you and family!
    V
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  6. Gandiziesed44 added a post in a topic Sex & Porn Addiction - Here to help   

    I am happy that you are on your first step of recovery. My husband was also a sex addict. He cannot resist watching porn and other kinds of stuff. He says it helps him to relax.  Later on, I took him to a rehab for a sex addiction treatment program in Vancouver. That was actually a turning point in our life. I even thought of having a legal separation because of his addiction. Sex addiction can spoil family life. Many go for extramarital affairs. I am really happy for you that you are back on track. All the best friend!
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  7. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Mrs   

    Like so many partners it looks like you've found out the hard way, though I'm not sure if your husband was trying very hard to hide it. It's very hard to know what to say to help unless your husband has said that he has a problem.  There are of course lots of people who talk to people online in a sexual way who would not say they are addicted and would not see it as being unfaithful in any way.  My advice would be to talk honestly to your husband and tell him how upset you are by his behaviour.  Ask him if he thinks it's a problem and if it's getting worse and if so then he needs to get some help.  There is a self help assessment on this website which he could complete (totally anonymous) or have a look at the resource at www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk.  If he doesn't think he's got a problem, then I guess that leaves you wondering what you can do.  You certainly don't have to agree to live with this, but the choice to leave is never an easy one.  The first step has got to be trying to talk to him about what's going on and how you can resolve it.  Hope that helps.
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  8. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic Addicted to Porn and Webcams   

    Hi RJ,
    Great that you're speaking up about this. I'm struggling in a similar way only I'm only using the free sites. My therapist advised me to use real situations and my imagination as fuel for masturbation, rather than the internet. Perhaps this is something you could incorporate. As much as I wish I wasn't watching the free sites myself, I'm wondering if those sites might be better for you than the paid sites you're currently using. It would at least solve the money issue. But using things I've seen in, say, bars and clubs, is a step forward that has started to help me.
    Keep fighting it!
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  9. Bluegown added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Mrs
    Hello,i have been with my husband 20 years and he had always had a higher sex drive!
    Last night I found him on a porn site talking to a woman on their forum about stuff.i knee there was something up because he was on his phone constantly talking to complete strangers on this forum and watching live sex,he was even doing it while with our daughter.
    I feel heart broken!!
    Please help.
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  10. Rob added a post in a topic Porn Blocker - Linux computer - Help!   

    Hello,
    Apologies for taking so long to reply. I hope you're still there and reading this.
    Try: https://netresponsibility.com/
    I think it's in the main repository (sudo apt-get install netresponsibility) and runs an installer script which you need to configure with an account (add one first on the Website). If it's not in the main repo these days then certainly there'll be a PPA somewhere.
    Net Responsibility is technically quite sound and difficult to circumvent once installed but it's not that fine-grained in what it reports and it's only tied to that one machine/account. So, if you're sharing different logins with family members it might be tricky (I don't). Ideally, someone (me) needs to reverse engineer and port over Covenant Eyes which is the Gold Standard but sadly no Linux support.
    Generally, if you run Linux you're likely tech-savvy which means you know your way around things or other backdoors. I won't list details here. But suffice to say, a layered defence is the best approach. So I'd recommend also:
    1) Enable parental controls and adult content filtering on your ISP for your home broadband connection and all mobile devices you have access to.
    2) Configure OpenDNS Family Shield filtering on your home router. This is very good and easy to setup and stops a LOT (including indirect routes like proxies/anonymisers): https://support.opendns.com/entries/46060260-FamilyShield-Router-Configuration-Instructions
    3) Enable "Safe Search" by default in your Google profile and on your mobile devices. (Annoyingly they seem to occassionally revert this when it's updated on Android from time-to-time so check it's enabled periodically in the settings).
    4) Restrict Android Play Store to PEGI7 or PEGI3 (Child Safe) so you don't download any applications which can be used as a substitute or give other paths for acting out. Set a random PIN that you won't remember.
    This way, you have to disable several safeguards to get to porn and hopefully if you find yourself going down that path then you can check yourself before it becomes full blown. That is, the best course of action is simply to switch off your computer and walk away for 20+ minutes (RUN) and do something else until you don't feel triggered anymore.
    There are obviously other physical things you can do too like placing your computer in a family-public location. I know also indirectly of one guy who put his PC by the window with no blind/curtains deliberately.
    Ultimately, none of these is going to be 100% foolproof in stopping access to sexual content - that's down to you. But they can help you.
    Also consider changing your browser homepage or bookmarking: https://emergency.nofap.com/
     
     
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  11. Rob added a post in a topic Sex & Porn Addiction - Here to help   

    Hello,
    Thank you for sharing. It's always good to read from someone who is making a positive difference in their life and changing things for the better. I wish you continued success.
    I can connect a lot with the psychological battle you felt you faced. The opening up of feelings after stopping porn and the emotional repression for me was a huge event and has taken many months. It's still an ongoing journey and not an easy one at times. Shame, guilt and hiding behaviours and being secretive - all these things are so damaging not only to those you love but also to yourself. So, I am glad you are finding a better place.
    Perhaps you could share some of the tools and tricks or tips you've found helpful to coming off porn? I believe having some plan is critical to long term success and ensuring that we don't slip back into old patterns, which can be all too easy after the initial relief of coming clean.
    Peace.
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  12. Rob added a post in a topic Addicted to Porn and Webcams   

    Hello,
    You're not alone.
    Firstly, it is really good you are reaching out for help and wanting to change things. There is help out there and many other guys who suffer similarly. You sound quite out of control and things can be different in time. I can sympathise with the pain and sadness you must feel about this.
    I found personally trying to fight this alone is very very hard - impossible. I would like to strongly encourage you to seek out some real life support groups and trusted friends where you can talk to other guys like yourself and me who can help you cut this out of your life and work towards building a better life you want without these behaviours. You are not defined by watching porn or cams - you are much more than that as a person. Places like SLAA offer a supportive and safe environment where you can talk about these things openly and get the tools to cope and transform over time. Paula also runs real life support groups which I have benefited from tremendously but they do cost money. Making that committment just to start and to go weekly to talk can make a big difference in just a few months.
    Just by posting here you are showing a lot of courage in facing up to things and wanting to make a difference. That is really critical. You're doing a good thing for yourself. It's not easy but there is a better life waiting that you can build for yourself.
    I'd also encourage you to read and educate yourself more on the problems of porn addiction. Gabe Deem has some great online resources and http://www.rebootnation.org has some good online forums (much more frequented than here). These are useful but no substitute for talking to real people. Getting over the shame and opening up can be extremely hard when you've kept this all to yourself for so many years but you can release it.
    Peace.
     
     
     
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  13. RJC1987 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Addicted to Porn and Webcams
    Hi all,
    I really need help but don't have anyone else to seek help and sort from, I find myself spending most of my wages a month on webcams when I'm at the age that i need to be thinking about moving out and starting my own life,i also am in considerable debt (which I'm already seeking help for) because of my porn/webcam and masturbation addiction,i don't know what to do as i know i shouldn't be watching porn or webcams but i find myself bored and lonely which i think feeds my addiction but find it difficult to socialise with men or women. I really need help.
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  14. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
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  15. AddictOnWayToRecovery added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Well done, Schrodinger! Don't give up on this... The awards are immense! I'm in my fifth month of recovery and it does get much easier. Get in touch through my topic on this forum whenever you feel you need to talk to someone...
    V
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  16. AddictOnWayToRecovery added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Sex & Porn Addiction - Here to help
    I have come across this forum and I strongly believe it could give real help to anyone who is facing porn/sex addiction.
    I am a 35 year old male with a beautiful wife and two amazing kids; I have been recovering for 4 months now (cold turkey) and I would love to give something back to people experiencing a similar situation. I went through the usual features of this horrible addiction: watching porn with increased levels of "sexual intensity", looking at escorts, reduced sex drive, masturbation, family problems, the guilt, the shame, the worry of being caught, etc.
    As already mentioned, I decided to go cold turkey and the psychological battle, especially in the first 4 weeks was immense... I needed all my inner strength and will power to fight this battle, but I never think for one second that I have won the war. It's a long road to changing my life and I am fully aware that I can't afford any slip ups. I don't think my mind will ever be free of the urges, but they certainly are much much weaker and considerably more controllable.
    Being free of the guilt, shame and worry has changed my life so much... My wife and I are so much happier and I have managed to get my life back.
    Being on this website and identifying the problem is the first step to recovery. Please feel free to get in touch with me on this forum and I will do my best to help.
    I wish you the best of luck

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  17. AddictOnWayToRecovery added a post in a topic Hello Newbie Here   

    Hi Izzy,
    As everyone said, knowing you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I completely relate myself to you, as I also took the route of looking at escorts and the next untried thrill on the internet. I only realised how rooted my addiction was when I decided to go cold turkey. It is a horrible addiction as it is so accessible.
    I am married with 2 beautiful kids and what really gave me the strength was the shame I felt when looking at my family. I never disclosed my secret with my wife, but I know she knew... I couldn't bear her disappointment and I decided to deal with it on my own. This works for me, but I do understand that it would be so much easier having the support of someone you trust. 
    I prepared myself psychologically and I decided to completely stop watching porn, looking at pictures of sexy girls in bikinis, escorts, any program on tv I knew would contain sex/nudity, masturbation, etc. This was the start of a huge psychological battle that must have lasted about 4 weeks. For the first two weeks I just couldn't take my mind off porn/sex; this was the time I had to have enormous inner strength and I knew that if I gave in even once, I would have relapsed.
    In my second week of going cold turkey, I rediscovered the pleasure in making love with my wife. With my addiction, our sex decreased considerably to about once a month (at times even less) and I could not feel the pleasure. I would think of porn while doing and I would really treat her like a sex object... Horrible to say, but nearly like a piece of meat. As you are married, try and replace the urge of porn/casual sex with making love to your wife. This helped me a lot!
    From the fifth week onward, the urge becomes less and less dominant in your life but it is still there and you can't give in. Actually you can never give in, you have to let it sink in your head that this part of your life has come to an end... No more porn (ever!), no more escorts, no more looking at sexy girls on Zoo Magazine, no more masturbation... Have more sex with your wife instead and it's a win win situation.
    You need to be aware of how difficult it is to rectify this problem and you need to be ready for the battle. Always keep in mind the consequences of your addiction... It can break up your family, break you financially, the constant guilt, worrying if you get caught, the panic if your wife accesses your computer, etc... All this would go away by doing something about it.
    I wish you the best of luck

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  18. PatBatemanBlog added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    SLAA / SAA / other support groups
    Has anyone visited addiction support groups like SLAA or SAA? I've visited both but I don't feel like they help. There's a very heavy religious angle to the meetings, we're made to feel very guilty about our compulsions and cross talk (i.e. giving people advice) is actually discouraged. It feels very much, from the meetings I've been to, that people there don't want to change or overcome their problems. I was wondering if people had experienced similar situations.
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  19. willem added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Well so this is the fist time that I admit I have a problem.  I started to masturbate at age 7 and I'm 45 today. I has cost me my marriage and many relationships. so this is me. my only need is to break free from this monster that consumed my life.
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  20. PJ added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Wow Schrodinger - you are really fighting this.  Well done - you seem to doing a lot of good things.  It doesn't sound like you have others supporting you through this.  I just wonder if that might help?
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  21. PJ added a post in a topic Hello Newbie Here   

    Hi Izzy
    As Schrodinger says, you have started well - the first step is to realise you are addicted, powerless over this and the only way to conquer it is to get help.
    Paula's book on Sex Addiction is an excellent book to understand the basics about it and what to do about it but it won't be enough - you need either a course like her recovery course of which she has a variety of different formats or a 12 step programme.  There are 3 different 12steps - one is Sexaholics Anonymous which is on the stricter end, 'Sex Addicts Anonymous' and 'Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous' - the latter is more mixed.  Do look on their different websites.
    It can be a long road but worth every step - sex addiction leads to so much pain and damage.  
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  22. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    DAY 33
     
    **** you-you ancient cretinous chimp brain of mine. You have caused me untold misery for 25 years, and most of the time, i did not even realise it was you. This morning you tried to get your foot in the door. After 30 seconds, I realised what you were trying to do and I slammed the door shut. I have now completed successfully 33 days of my no PMO reboot, without relapsing once. I have watched no porn, and this morning, all i did was google image a woman’s name. I will NOT let you beat me, no matter how hard you try and repeatedly rear your ugly head. The next few days, you will try again and again. But i will indulge in healthier pursuits. I will be social, go and see friends, read, walk around a National Trust place, treat myself, exercise, and dress well. But moreover, i will be on my guard, and make sure i complete 90 days no matter what. And each time you try to stop me, I WILL RAISE MY GAME. I will starve you of the oxygen you crave, so eventually-I promise you- you will just wither away and die.
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  23. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Partner of a porn addict and my own painful history   

    Hi Hannah,
    Thank you for so bravely sharing your story on this forum - I think that already shows what courage you have and how much you have moved forward from the shame and pain of that 12 year old.  Every partner has their own story, their own history.  And a partner's history will have a huge impact on how they feel about their partner's porn use and their recovery.  When partners have abuse and trauma in their history, regrettably discovering addiction can re-trigger those same old emotions meaning you get a double dose of pain.
    Unfortunately addiction often bypasses morality and the value system that people hold.  Porn is addictive because it arouses dopamine, and what few people know is that the more shocking the porn, the more the dopamine levels are raised.  And high levels of dopamine, temporarily turn off the disgust response.  That means that many people with porn addiction find themselves viewing images that actually disgust them.  It's a bit like an alcoholic who finds themselves drinking whiskey even though they despise the taste. 
    What happened all those years ago was about power and abuse, not about sexual arousal.  Although most would agree that viewing that kind of pornography is wrong, there is a difference between watching something that is fiction and engaging in the fact.  For example, we might enjoy watching films where there is violence or murder, but that certainly doesn't mean that we would do it or condone doing it. 
    If you haven't already done so, do find a counsellor that you can talk to about this.  Being alone always makes life more painful.  Find someone you can confide in.  Preferably other partners who can share your story.  You've made a brave first step.
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  24. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Where will this end?   

    In short, yes a sex addict can recover - completely.  But it nearly always takes professional help, long term recovery plans, changes in lifestyle and being part of a support community.  It's rare for addicts to establish recovery without the support of others who have struggled with the same problem.  And relationships do recover as well, but that takes time too.  If you have read my book for partners, please do.  It will help you make sense of the mood swings that you're experiencing and give you some strategies for coping.  There's also a chapter on rebuilding trust and rebuilding your sexual relationship.  Partners so often feel completely alone and isolated so you will also find it easier to move on if you can get support for yourself from other partners.  You have been through a significant trauma.  Please do make sure you give yourself the same compassion that you're generously offering your partner.  The pain won't go on forever and whilst there will still be dark days, they will gradually become fewer and further apart.  But get help for you too - don't try and get through this alone.
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  25. Paula Hall added a post in a topic I can't describe how devastated I am….   

    Hi - it sounds like you're in a really difficult position right now and have a lot of understanding of recovery from your past.  But you're right that sex addiction is  much more personal and feels very different for partners.  It's also much harder to see 'evidence' of recovery as you can't prove what you haven't done and you can't 'see' sobriety.  My advice is to be sure that as well as having good accountability measures in place, you focus on seeing that he's worked through the 'causes' of his addiction and that you can see the evidence of that.  For example, if he used his addiction to soothe anger - is he now better at managing anger?  If it's rooted in stress, how is his stress management now?  That's the evidence that you can see and measure.  Addiction is a symptom - has he found the cause and resolved that?  Hope that helps.
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