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Activity Stream

  1. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic What I'm going through now   

    P is right. It is ironic that we face the music when we are at our healthiest, but I think that's also a good thing. I viewed my sentence (ended up serving 6 months) through objective eyes. You can't do what I did and expect to get away with it. Being punished was a huge part of my recovery and I'm thankful I was at my healthiest when I was punished so I could truly appreciate the price I was paying.
    Don't be fooled into thinking the police stopped the addiction. You can be scared straight, and I certainly experienced a lot of that, but you can't have an addiction scared out of you on a cellular level. Stick with your program, seek fellowship with others and, for me, one-on-one and group counseling have been huge keys to my recovery success. Also, keep writing about it. Granted, I've been a professional writer for more than 20 years, but I've yet to meet the person who isn't helped my putting their thoughts on paper. You don't have to write them here, or blog, or do a book like I did. There were plenty of times I wrote things and then tore them up and threw them away. It's just a matter of getting the mental garbage out of your system.
    Don't worry about your friends. Those who love you and understand addiction aren't let down. They're concerned for your well-being. You let yourself down, and that's a harder wound to fix. Yes, there will be people who cannot see beyond your crime and will forever label you a certain way. It doesn't matter. They clearly don't know you as well as you thought and they don't have the kind of compassion you require, so let them go. With your real friends, this will be something that happened to you, and something you deal with, but it will just become part of your ongoing history. 
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  2. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?   

    Prior to your conviction, they just want to know where you are. They probably won't show up for searches or anything like that. After your conviction, they'll be more likely to check in with you...you can almost guarantee it. But in my experience, it's not invasive. It's just making sure that you are saying where you'll be and making sure there aren't any obvious problems with that place.
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  3. outofwishes added a post in a topic What I'm going through now   

    Thanks for this P. You make a good point about seeing myself as a good person. Right now 'society' (couldn't think of a better word) has wiped away every good thing I ever did and given me this label and I don't even look to my friends (yet) for confirmation of that. But, taken as a whole, I think I am and I'm hoping to feel that way again, eventually.
    I'm with you on the irony of the system as it stands. My 10-year+ porn addiction ended the minute I got that knock on the door in November. I've since been working through several self-help systems, including Stop It Now, to make sure it never reappears; the illegal stuff was a tiny part of it. I have a huge chunk of my life back but it looks like it will be a while before I can make good use of that.
    I've not got a family, P, so I don't have to deal with that the way you are. That does allow me to hide from my fears for small stretches, the people I've let down are work colleagues and friends all of whom are geographically distant. I can't imagine the feeling of having to face people I've hurt on a daily basis, but if you're facing them, they are still there, and if they're still there, there's a future. That last sentence should be printed on a picture of some kittens :o)    
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  4. pdw123 added a post in a topic What I'm going through now   

    Hello.
    Thank you for sharing.  And thank you Josh for appearing to us like an angel to give support to the likes of me and 'outofwishes'. 
    Outofwishes - I am only a few weeks into my new life after reality booted it's way in and changed things for ever.  My wife and family have to deal with the knowledge that I committed a crime; the social worker from Children's Services has labelled me as a serious risk and my wife is under a ton of strain.
    Some things I have read have helped and some have terrified me.  This time that you are currently in, this limbo between being found out and being convicted is the time when we are becoming free of addiction, free of stupidity, starting therapy and/or 12 step programmes.  It is ironic and paradoxical that at the time you are convicted, you will be the most cleansed and risk free of all your adult life.
    The conviction and sentencing is haunting because at the moment it is unknown.  From your wordpress blog you might be lucky and have a non custodial or suspended sentence.  Whatever happens, I hope and know that there will be a good you at the end of it.  There will be lows, serious lows on the way, but hold on to that as motivation, hold on to the love of your wonderful friends (I sobbed too at that) and hold on to the knowledge that you are now a good person with things to offer.  You can talk to people about where porn addiction can take you, you can save another life with that.
    Sorry, it's a bit of a diatribe this.  All the best and perhaps we'll chat again sometime soon.
    P.
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  5. outofwishes added a post in a topic What I'm going through now   

    Thanks for these replies.
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  6. outofwishes added a post in a topic Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?   

    Thanks Christine and Joshua - both very helpful. I'm trying to find out, if I go stay with friends and give the police that info, might they then turn up at the address I give? 
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  7. pdw123 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    First direct question from my wife...
    I've been keeping a journal here for the last month for anyone wanting to see where I am at - http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/621-i-love-my-wife-and-children-i-want-to-be-with-them-again/
    *****
    Just had a mail from my wife with the first direct question - "Were you hooking up with people for sex while we were together?"
    The truthful answer should be "Yes, my porn addiction escalated to me meeting people in real life, I met a couple of women via sex hookup sites, I met and paid several female sex workers for sex, I met up with several men from gay/bi sex hook up sites"
    What is the right level of disclosure?  I know that if I am to beat my sex/porn addiction I definitely need to be 100% truthful to my therapist, to SAA and most of all to myself, but how much do I tell to my wife so that I am not harbouring more lies from her but also not completely crushing her?
    I would welcome thoughts and experiences of anyone who has had to face this or similar questions.
    Thank you.
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  8. Janey36 added a post in a topic Telling grown up children about SA?   

    How sorry I am to hear of yet another poor partner suffering. Similar story here. Married 36 years, found out the full horror of what has been going on for the past 36 years in December. I have adult children, all girls, none at home. I told them of their fathers behaviour. I refused to be complicit in a lie. All acted differently. All dealt with this news differently. They are adults ranging from 26 to 34 and they are not stupid. One was even surprised that I had been so slow to notice..... 
    Tell them the facts. Hard I know but while telling them try to keep any anger or emotion out of it. There will be plenty of time for more in depth chats with them after they, themselves, have had time to think about what they have learned. It would be better coming from him. My husband said he would but didn't, so I did. 
    They have been very supportive to both of us. Tho as their father is making less and less effort to kick this habit they are making less effort with him.
    Janey
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  9. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?   

    I'm American, so I can't say 100% what it looks like assuming you're in the UK, but a lot of it has to do with what you have NOW, meaning cars, houses, etc. I've found in most cases, horror stories of insurance, loans, etc. have been overblown. That said, there are a lot of restrictions where a registered sex offender can live and it varies from town-to-town in the US. I wouldn't want to try to find an apartment now. Thankfully, since I've had my house almost 15 years, I'm grandfathered in on most. Ironically, since I've pulled my life together, my credit score has actually greatly improved since my conviction.
    I am on probation for three years, with about a year left. At first, I had to report to the officer every other week and there were periodic checks of my house. I also had to take two lie detector tests in the first year. Once it was established that I'm low-risk for reoffending, it's been much easier. I check-in once a month and usually he just looks at me and says "Everything good? Any questions?" and then I move on with my day. We built trust and I've shown that I've learned my lesson. So, your relationship with law enforcement will be the tightest immediately after your conviction, but it does get better.
    I was fired the day I was arrested...and because of my visibility in my community...I was all over the media. I will most likely never work for someone again in a white-collar environment. So I started freelance writing on my own, wrote my book and actually now make more money doing less work than I did before the conviction.
    And yes, I'm on the register in America for life. But that just involves checking in with the police where I live every 3 months. Sure, it's a pain sometimes, but I look at it as a good reminder to stay in recovery and a small penance considering I created victims.
    My best advice to you is use this time now to get your stuff together. Find out why you did what you did -- it's a long process, or at least it was for me -- and it involved a formula of reasons I couldn't have guessed when it first happened. You should have nothing to worry about with the police checking on you if you have nothing to hide. Live a life of honesty with your family and friends. I saw on your blog that your friends were great...people usually are. Some aren't, but that's their problem, not yours.
    Your life will be forever different, there is no denying that, but despite the hoops you'll be made to jump through both in the short- and long-term, you may find that a couple of years from now, this was just the thing you needed to turn around.  Consider checking out my blog at www.RecoveringPornAddict.com for more about my story.
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  10. Christine added a post in a topic What I'm going through now   

    Thank you for posting your story, this must have taken courage to face, write down and then decide to share. I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength. 
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  11. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic What I'm going through now   

    I'm glad you're writing about this for everyone to read on your blog. I looked through a few articles, followed it, and you are going exactly what I did four years ago. It will get better. Figure out why it really, really happened (and that takes time), develop the tools to not let it happen again and then share your story to help others. That's been my recovery path and it's made my life so much better. Yes, you will deal with a lot of static with insurance, loans, etc., once you're a convicted sex offender, but honestly, you learn ways to deal with it (put the house in someone else's name, for instance) and at least for me, I find that the trade-off for the life I live now is more than worth it.
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  12. Christine added a post in a topic Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?   

    It might be worth speaking to someone at an organisation called Stopso or refer back to the Probation Service
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  13. Bereket added a post in a topic Sex addiction   

    Tnx for ur advice
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  14. Dee added a post in a topic Red flags   

    Realitycheck,
     
    Your post echoes my feelings entirely I just sometimes feel he is playing a game with me to keep me sweet and life stable. We do get on  and have fun and family time is always great but this  THING underlies all of the good times so they can  seem fake. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate the good times for what they are since I don't want his behaviour to taint everything in my life. We can and do even sit down and talk things through rationally but I always feel he is not being completely honest. He says he doesn't want to go there when I ask for any details he says therapist says its not good for his recovery to pick over the past
     The therapy which he goes to fortnightly he says has helped him but says he still can't trust  himself he will never do it again so its hard to ask me to trust him when its all I want and I find that difficult despite him saying he wants not to do it and  that he  truly wants to recover.   Details of the extent of recovery are elusive when questioned and full  accountability seems beyond him at the moment . He talks of "one day at a time " -time is passing  but I feel impatient  for results and that I deserve more than that... 
    He has had one to one therapy  for almost 2 years now- there have been  several blips along the way all of which have been discoveries by me  and not  by his own admission despite my need for complete truth and transparency. I feel I have been patient and supportive and he acknowledges this. Yet even after all this time still I am no wiser on the extent of his acting out or the frequency of  it  and the truth of how long  its been going on. I don't want details of the acting out  itself  Paula s book has helped tremendously here I now understand about scab picking and the hurt that can come from revelations of the behaviour and the minute detail  of it all. 
    The trouble is I feel without the disclosure from him of the extent of it all( and how it has improved which he assures me it has) I can't put it all behind me and move on   with our relationship which this THING aside is good and to some extent much better in terms of communication empathy towards me.
     
      Essentially how do I know for sure he wants to recover and how can I know that he is recovering ...
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  15. outofwishes added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?
    Sorry if this is off topic, but I can't find anywhere else to discuss this.
    I'm trying to get a picture of my life after conviction. I know I will lose my job so I have put in my resignation to make that smoother, but I'm trying to nail down what I might do. I understand a lot about the register and I know I have to tell the police where I am if I'm going away for a few days, but what do they do with that information? I'm worried that, if I stay with friends, the police could turn up at that address to check on me. Has anyone any knowledge about that - or can anyone point me to where I might ask? 
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  16. Florrie added a post in a topic Telling grown up children about SA?   

    Hi Dee, sorry I never saw this reply to my original post. Knowing what to do about telling grown up children is really difficult, isn’t it? We have still not arrived at decision about what to do. Like you I struggle with explaining some of my actions and behaviours, like why I have been signed off from work for the past three months. They know that my husband is seeing a therapist but think it it relating to childhood trauma, which it is, but they don’t know the implications of  how that trauma has spilled out into adult life. So they have aloof sympathy for him, but are confused about what is going on with me. I feel like yet again I am covering for my husband, and my issues are overlooked. But at the same time I don’t want to damage my husbands relationship with the children as it is better now than ever and they deserve that. The. I think that they are adults now and I don’t need to protect them anymore. It is really confusing and I am still in the dark about what is best to do. My husband is undertaking the 12 step programme and he is at step nine where he has to apologise for wrongs and make amends, he wants to apologise to the children for not being more emotionally available to them and for the financial harm his behaviour cost the family, but how he does that without explaining what is going on is impossible. This is just one of the ways that this whole mess impacts on us, it isn’t just about me and him and our relationship,it is so much more far reaching.
    i hope you decide to go to the partners counselling regardless of what you tell your kids you deserve to it for you. Let me know how it goes. Keep strong and keep going with you healing process, and if you have any iseaablut how to broach this subject with your kids please also let me know 
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  17. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic In need of advice please   

    Hi Cowslip, 
    After reading your post I decided to talk to my husband about the behaviour and not so much the game. I told him that I felt he was compensating and playing the game at all the same times that he used to watch porn and how it had become the first thing he done in the morning.  He immediately went and got rid of it from his phone saying that if it was making me feel that way that he would stop but he didn't see it the same way I did. 
    I really appreciate him doing this but still I believe he is doing everything for me and not for himself. 
    The weekend was good and again I kept my emotions on track until Sunday,  beautiful sunshine and again thoughts start creeping back.... what about the summer, beautiful women out and who is he going to be looking at..... mind starts racing again.....I feel I'm going crazy 
    Some days I feel I will do anything for our marriage to work, that he is doing everything possible to save our marriage but then Bang .......he goes to work and I wonder who he is checking out or where his thoughts are at. I know I have read I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it and I keep telling myself this, that no matter how much I worry I still can't change anything .
    It has now been nearly 2 years since my gut feeling and a year this month since I found out the true extent. I am still feeling all of the hurt, loss of trust, not believing, not good enough ect ect ect.......will it ever stop. 
    Heartbroken 
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  18. Snowy added a post in a topic Help & encouragement please   

    Florrie, thank you so much for answering my appeal for help and encouragement, and I was sorry to read your story; we both know how much a partner can hurt with trying to deal with this kind of addiction.  I am pleased to report that my husband started attending our nearest SAA group last week and will carry on with this.  I had vaguely heard of the EMDR treatment  and that is an option we would both consider, if we feel my husband needs it.  I hadn't heard of the Recovery site you mention, and I've had a good look at that.  It is something we will definitely seriously consider, and I do like the idea of an 'accountability contract'.  What we have now is a lot more honesty in our relationship - I've not tried to be kind to him, nor let him make excuses, as I do not think that will help.  
    He's just had the kind of stress pop up in his life that led him to relapse before, and we both know that the next few months will have to be 'managed'.  I had not got to the point of trusting him after finding out the first tranche of things, and I'm not sure I can ever trust him again, but that doesn't mean we won't keep working at our marriage.  Apart from him not being allowed to use a cash machine, I also have a Follow Me track on his iPhone (although he found a way round that last time).  However,  now that I found out what he did, he can't pull that one again!  Follow Me might be something you want to consider, for both your sakes?
     You're right, there are no guarantees in this life - I've gone through big crisis' before; this is another one.  Your response to my plight was really helpful, thanks, and I especially took comfort from your final sentence:  'There are no guarantees in life and promises seem meaningless, but what we can do is build our strength, develop our resilience, and nurture ourselves so that whatever happens we will come out of this mess in one piece!'
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  19. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    My brain is really getting pissed at me for not giving a masturbation and orgasm fix.  It is throwing every conceivable fantasy image at me from illegal porn to my beautiful wife, from fetish porn to fantasy images of every female I know that I've ever found even partly attractive.  It is really trying hard to get me.
    At the moment I am 29 days since day zero, when I hit absolute rock bottom.  It is partly will power, partly trauma, partly an absolute desire to manage this addiction.
    I had some time with my therapist today; it's only the second time I have seen her, but every time I get to say something, something about a piece of me that no one else has ever known, it is such a blessed relief.  Today I talked about a long seated sexual response I've  had (for as long as I can remember) about urine, whether that's pee porn, doing it with exes etc, I've always had a sexual response to it, but never have I actually said that to anyone.  It is amazing how every time you say something out loud, the grip it has over you, the grip of the addiction immediately is a little less.
    My brain has not ever let me think of some of the images and video clips I saw as abuse.  I am really scared, really terrified of how I am going to react when that desensitivity drops away.  Why would my brain let me think it is okay to have looked at things?
    One stream that I spoke about with therapist was about how I am really unhappy about what I might have done in the future if unchecked.  I used to 'only' fantasise about sex toys, but then I went and used them.  I 'only' used to fantasise about cross dressing or bisexuality, but then I went and practiced that too.  So what's to have stopped me having acting on anything really horrible with what I saw in illegal images?  She suggests that the other things I did go and act on were legal.  That there were no victims.  My good conscious self knew that line.  I only hope that is the case.
    I suppose, being only 4 weeks in to all this, my mind is still settling to the trauma of my world being thrown into turmoil.  I am feeling so ready for this fight though.
    My wife is still bitterly angry.  I keep telling myself that this is natural and that she has to go through her anger.  It is so hard though.  I haven't seen my baby girls for a month.  I haven't seen my teenage son for a month; though he can call and we can speak, which is something.  I miss my babies so much.  My parents visited wife and family today and they said how one of the girls is properly up walking about.  And here I am, not seeing those moments.
    I keep wishing for the future me to be able to 'be'.  I know I have to go through everything first, but I hope I can somehow be a testament to others in the future.  Help other men deal with low sperm counts, IVF, lost babies, secret sexual urges... what ever those things are that are not talked about and give a feed to addictions that eventually take you into areas of illegality.
    I got a good pep talk from someone on another support forum.  To get out and demonstrate mindfulness, seeing the good things around me, donating my time to others.  I feel I might be too early in my journey to do some of the things you mention, but there are little steps I can do.  I can stop and give spare change.  I can offer help at Salvation Army or Oxfam.  
    I am not a bad person and god damn it I will show myself that.
    Thank you all for letting me talk.
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  20. pdw123 added a post in a topic Sex addiction   

    Hello.
    I am very early into my journey.  29 days since my world crumbled and I hit rock bottom.
    Thank you for sharing.  I bet it feels better to have said that out loud doesn't it?  
    Next, I only speak for me but I bet a huge number of others can also say - "Snap.  Been there.  Done it too".  You know what, that will make you feel slightly less isolated too.
    You've made a great first step to admit things.  It will take a bit of will power, but things you can do straight away - get rid of any sex worker telephone numbers you have; delete any online accounts you might have where you can arrange a hook up.  They all help.
    I've only been to 2 Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings (3rd is tomorrow evening), but seriously think about having a go.  The first time attending is really nerve racking, really strange.  You're thinking that all these other people there must be freaks, weirdos, or that they couldn't possibly have done anything as horrible as you have.  But again, they really are in exactly the same boat.  The first time I muttered anything out loud at my 2nd meeting was wonderful, and the people were really open and talkative to me afterwards.
    Well done for coming here to share.  Others will hopefully chip in too.  You can do it!!
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  21. Bereket added a post in a topic Sex addiction   

    I need someone to help me
     
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  22. Bereket added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Sex addiction
    I have very beautiful girlfriend who I love from bottom of  my heart but I had sex with prostitutes b/c of my sex addiction pls somebody help get ride of this problem
     
     
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  23. outofwishes added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    What I'm going through now
    I'm not sure what the rules are here and it maybe that you won't allow direct discussion of the subject. So, I'm just going to point at a blog to start with. It's an account of how my porn addiction took me to places I should not have gone and ended in my arrest. Obviously it's a cautionary tale but please, if you are an addict, read this because there are some rabbit holes down there that can finish you life.
    That said, one of the consequences is that I've freed myself of the addiction. It seems small comfort now but, if I'm lucky, a year of two down the line my life might actually be better.
    https://wishidknown240296063.wordpress.com/ 
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  24. Florrie added a post in a topic Help & encouragement please   

    Hi Snowy, firstly, I feel your pain! A discovery such as this is shocking to say the least. The Jeykell and Hyde nature of the sex addict is hard to comprehend, when you have lived with a good man for so many years. I have been married to my husband for 27 years and discovered this unfolding nightmare in July last year. Whilst it has been hard and the emotional rollercoaster is exhausting, I try to remind myself in those darkest moments that he is still a good man, despite the ‘bad things’.  So let me try and share some things that have helped us work towards a better place. When I discovered my husband had visited a sex worker and he confessed that he might be addicted to porn, I did some research on the internet and came across a site called Recovery Nation. Here, I discovered that there was probably no point in trying to get the  truth out of him in the beginning as he would lie to protect himself and the marriage - truth often comes much later when they have had a chance to get over the shock that their secret world has been discovered and are further along the recovery road. We found a specialist counsellor who worked specifically with sex related trauma included addiction and abuse, but interesting employs a technique to heel traumas called EMDR. The counsellor initially said it could take a year to get to recovery, but now thinks it will be less time than this. He is working hard and responding well to the EMDR work. Whilst it is expensive, I think that he could be spending that money on his addiction, so it is better spent here! My husband also found to nearest sex addicts anonymous group and made contact with them (this came about as a result of him seeking a ‘massage’ with a HE whilst I was just two streets away shopping in London, and in his rush, put his t shirt on inside out!! Thus,making me realise that the one occasion I had discovered was a myth).  In the beginning months we worked through the exercises on the Recovery Nation site, which helped us to find those connections that held us together whilst doing recovery work that could potentially smash us apart. I have also started seeing the same counsellor, who describe my symptoms as post traumatic stress disorder, and we have worked through that. I don’t go as often, we couldn’t afford that, but it has helped me to have a place where I can rant and try to understand what has happened in my life. I also am on the waiting list for NHS counselling, as this would be free and again is a space for me to work through how I feel. Sadly, there isn’t a lot of specific support out there for partners of sex addicts, which is why this forum is so valuable. 
    Now 8 months down the line, I have started to seek the truth about the extent of his acting out, and whilst it is shockingly worse than I might of anticipated, we are both in a better place to deal with it. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a happy household, and there is rarely a day goes by where one or the other of us, and usually both, are in tears at some point in the day. However,I believe that the work we did together, in those early days, following the Recovery Nation couples exercises, were invaluable to where we have got to now. I think the key thing was that my husband realised that he naeeded help after the shopping incident, where I became devastated and realised that I should get tested for STIs. Basically his two worlds collided that day and that was his wake up call ( this was 2 months after my initial discovery).  Health wise, I am glad to say, we are fine but emotionally there is a long way to go. As things stand currently, I believe that we have a chance to make out marriage work. Whilst I can see he is trying, this gives me hope. However, I manage my expectations, and recognise that I cannot yet trust him, and state that clearly, and we have worked out ways to reduce my fears; so for instance, today he in London for work and he will phone when he arrives, then when he reaches his work destination he will text to say he is there etc. I have messenger and what’s app so I can video call if I am feeling insecure to see where he is. He had a slip a couple of weeks ago and so the computer is not allowed to be downstairs in the mornings, so he doesn’t have access to the internet first thing before I am awake. ( we have porn blocks on our internet now, but who know you could still get photo images! I am still naive!). Taking from Paula Hall’s book for partners of sex addicts, we have now drawn up an accountability contract, as a means of helping us to clearly communicate our needs and keep safe. This means you don’t have to be doing all the checking, as he has to take responsibility for himself.
    im sorry this turned into a long rambling response to your message, but I hope there’s are some things here that you might find useful. If you have any questions about anything I have said I will be more than happy to try and answer them. This journey we find ourselves on, which is not fault of our own, is long and hard, and whether we make it together with our partners or not, it is a journey we have to face for ourselves, regardless. There are no guarantees in life and promises seem meaningless, but what we can do is build our strength, develop our resilience, and nurture ourselves so that whatever happens we will come out of this mess in one piece!
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  25. Florrie added a post in a topic Disclosure to partner: what should be told?   

    Hi Hannah, I would like to offer a different perspective. I am someone who wants to know that if I ask for information it will be given to me. I am 8 months down the road form D-day and in the beginning I didn’t ask for information as I was unsure whether he could be trusted to tell the truth. Now, all these months later, and with intensive therapy, I feel that my husband owes me the truth. I feel that without this I could not move forward. Also, not knowing stuff felt like he had got away with it. So whilst Rob has said it would make him feel shame, well so be it - when faced with the question, “why do you want to know what happened?”, then my answer would be, “why shouldn’t you tell the truth, you have acted without any regard for me and you want me not to ask? Well tough, you did it, now face up to what you have done.” That might sound like I am seeking revenge, and in a sense maybe I am. But I am not interested in throwing all this back at him, it is just that I need to be clear about what has taken place throughout 24 years of a 27 year marriage. So, I know that he visited prostitutes on a frequent basis and that with the advent of easy access online porn these visits became more extreme in content. I know the towns and cities where they occurred, including the town where we live, but not exact locations. I know that in the main it was for paid ‘regular sex’ but in recent times there were a lot of ‘extra-curricular’ activities, if you get my meaning. This has come out this weekend, after him doing his step 5 of the 12 step programme. I felt that having come clean to somebody else it was now my turn. The way we did this was I asked questions and if needed he referred to the list which I had not read. The extent of his acting out was quite shocking, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t know that, however shameful it was for him. I am obviously upset, angry and hurt, but I truly don’t think I could have continued to live with him, if he hadn’t been prepared to tell what I wanted to know. So in short, my answer to your question should be, if you want to know more then that information should be forthcoming. I did not accept the excuse ‘it wouldn’t be good for me to know’ as that is my decision to make and no one else’s. 
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