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  1. K65 added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi Alys
    I feel your pain! I am only 4 months post disclosures although more came up to about a week ago.
    I hate the culture of objectifying women too and equating value to stereotyped ideals of beauty. I lost almost two stone since disclosure due to pure anxiety and inability to stomach food. Whilst part of me enjoyed comments of 'you look amazing' and 'yummy mummy' because of my low self esteem, I also hated the comments that seemed to value me more for being slimmer. 
    For me the pain tells me something about my soul: I know the precious value of faithfulness.I prize its keeping and I grieve the loss of it. 
    I hate the fact that he webcammed 18 year olds and have to deal with the disgust in that. I feel that they should have illicited the desire to protect in him not masturbate. This weighs heavily on my soul. 
    What can I say? Your pain is a testimony to values you hold dear and I salute you. I hate the torturous impact of this kind of betrayal. 
    I also empathise with feeling invisible too. I believe that it comes down to porn or other acting out as easy -come low maintenance attempts to gain pleasure and mock intimacy. Real relationships cost time, effort and real vulnerability. 
    K
     
     
     
     
     
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  2. Alys added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi everyone and thank you for your input. 
    I just want to emphasise that my partner quit porn 2 years ago and has done so successfully. I've done all the work of learning and understanding how porn addiction happens, why he was vulnerable to developing a porn addiction (attachment trauma and the death of a parent to suicide at the age of 12) and that he never learned adequate coping strategies and communication skills. I have also done everything I can to understand and empathise with his emotional need for the distraction and 'excitement' of porn and strippers around the time his addictive patterns began. So I really have tried my best to understand porn addiction in the context of his life story. I think I've done as much work as any partner could, given that we are outsiders and spectators to the lived experience of being the addict  
    The problem I have is that I don't sense much empathy coming from my partner. I don't believe he's as honest or as open as I hoped he would be, although my experience is that honesty can be painful to listen to and it's hard not to react with hurt or anger.
    I have a lot of trouble with the idea that sex and porn addiction isn't a judgement on the partner. I know we aren't the cause. I know that porn addiction is about the brain being conditioned to expect a reward from certain cues. But in contrast with the effect it had on me — a depressive breakdown, body dysmorphia, zero self esteem and loss of identity — it was an intensely personal experience. Feelings of rejection that went on for years that resulted in the shutting down of my sexuality, and a negativite body image that I saw as 'objective' evidence that explained it. It was all deeply personal to me. Yet the addiction theory tells us it's not personal. 
    My relationship gets stuck when he says "you think it was a choice, you think I was having a great time. I wasn't." OK, that can be explained by addiction theory. I understand. But when he claims he never lost his desire for me, then why did he lose all interest in having any kind of sexual relationship with me? Because I felt invisible. In the end I would get undressed in the bathroom at night because I couldn't take his indifference to my naked body. I felt it was rejection all over again. It FELT personal. Deeply personal. 
    Also, the recovery literature says (quite rightly) that we need to heal our own damage. We have that responsibility to ourselves. I get that too. But the hard part is that i'm still in a relationship with the guy who did all that, ignored me for years, sought out women or images of women as his fantasy sex objects, yet says it wasn't a reflection on me. That is so hard for me to reconcile. These days I can look in the mirror and say "wow! That's one impressive lady looking back at me". But it doesn't eliminate that awful pain of rejection. I might be 'middle aged' now but I'm also aware there would be a few men of my age who would find me attractive, and I feel so wretched because I know this is how it "should" have been. A mature man being attracted to a mature woman, not only sexually but intellectually and because they've had experience of living. But instead I ended up married to a porn addict who was masturbating to women 30 years younger than himself. And that in itself gives me the heebie jeebies. I would never be unfaithful to my husband and I don't really care about attracting other men, but how I wish my husband could have been more mature and grown up.
    As a result, neither of us have matured in a psychologically healthy way. I was in my 30s when my husband became hooked on porn and since then I've gone through the peri menopause and then the menopause. I could accept myself as 'older' but being in a relationship with a man who was masturbating to images of women decades younger than himself, the natural course of things has been skewed. Also, I get fed up with being told I look young for my age and having a good figure because I don't want my value to be tied to my physical appearance. I've gone through feeling OK and positive about myself as a young woman, to feeling wretched and despairing of my body and appearance when I lost my husband to porn, and now I feel under pressure to be this "matured like a fine wine" sort of woman at an age when I want to be free of all that crap. This is how my husband's addiction has effed with my mind. 
    Thanks for reading if you've got this far. 
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  3. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Patience   

    Hi, I'm so sorry to hear that your struggling now your partner has returned.  Yes it's true that they have to focus on their recovery but we do fully appreciate the impact on partners and the fact that they need their own support too.  On our intensives we very specifically state that we don't focus on partners needs - this is to enable the focus to remain on recovery and there are often members in the group who are not in a relationship and hence it would be using group time on something that is not relevant to all.  Perhaps most importantly though, there just isn't time during the 6 days to convey the importance of expressing empathy and developing rigorous honesty.  Therefore what we recommend is that the guys attend our stand alone 'Understanding Partner's Needs Day'.  This is a full one day workshop specifically for people in relationships where the focus is 100% on the essential issues they need to address.  We have a day in London in September and one in Leamington in October - please do email us if you want information - info@paulahall.co.uk 
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  4. K65 added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi Kitty
     
    Try this for Naked Trust partner forum: https://m.facebook.com/partnersofpornaddictsUK/
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  5. K65 added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi Hanna
    I would suggest writing a letter that you can leave him with after talking to him. Letters are powerful and can be returned to. Also it's a good way of testing out what you want to say. 
    I think that already have the words as the one who loves him. 
     
     
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  6. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi Kitty 
    Many thanks for your reply ...I do feel so alone and so fearful but can do nothing except be polite and move things forward ...hopefully by September I will be in new flat, he in his, house sold and start a new chapter even though I am heart broken.  I do have a good heart but i think they pick us for that but because of that heart my heart goes out to him and my worry bout his future but I cant do nothing .. I am trying to think of a parting speech that may one day resonate in his addict head but nothing comes to mind. Anyone got any ideas?
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  7. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi K65
    Many thanks for your kind words - Ive been flat hunting today ...he seems normal today but thats because he is looking for vehicle insurance and booking his holiday.  However he is making tea and has started to pack looks like the pressure is off him but as someone once told me - 'you can wake someone up when they are sleeping but NOT when they pretend to sleep' So onward we go and i know I have no choice but the FEAR and WORRY and PAIN is so great.   I feel so low as if I have fought a battle to no avail.   I wonder what the future holds ...I will survive I am strong but I worry so much where he is going to end up ..I cant help that and intend to have some therapy once move over .  But then I plan to move on but it drags me back what if he wants help eventually ...what will I do?  I have a good heart and i know the SA is only the symptom of the addiciton disease as he has multiple addictions but I still feel I have failed him even thought he wants the divorce and he does now seem more relaxed s perhaps it was the marriage that stopped him progressing.  Who really knows, my head spins with this thought and that all day long and I was already low due to 3 major family deaths in the last 8 months including my dear Mother so somehow I must pull myself together and realise this guy is not ready for recovery and may never be. 
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  8. Jonnyboy84 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Porn addiction has ruined my marriage
    Hi, everyone.
    So, my name is Paul and I have a major porn addiction that is ruining my life.
    I've been like this for years, I'm 35 now. Its never really affected my life whilst I was single but I'm married now and its probably ruined my marriage.
    I've been having problems sexually with my wife for a while now, not being able to get an erection. After the first couple of times I now get really nervous and avoided having sex with my wife. I found it easier to fix the urges alone.
    Now I'm struggling with that even, I've found that I've gone from porn to webcam chatting and looking at escorts online. Not that I have ever gone through with anything, I mean why would in of i can't get it up anyway.
    Well, my wife's found out on my phone, so now I'm on my own.
    I need to stop, even before she found out, I hated myself.
    Even now, I'm upset and thinking about logging on again. I'm not even in the mood!
    Hope to speak soon guys
     
     
     
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  9. Kitty added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hey K65.... do you have website address for Naked Trust forum you mentioned? Just googled it but can't find anything.
    Hanna my heart goes out to you I hope things work out ok, like us all you are a super strong lady even though it often doesn't feel like it 
     
     
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  10. K65 added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hey Hanna
    My sister used to tell me that you can't work harder on someone's issues than there willing to work themselves. People have to reach a place where they want help.  That can be hard to put into practice and I know that I try to progress things faster than my husband is able. He is a recovering sex addict and lifelong football addict! He works long hours and travels away and coped with life by interspersing porn, football and volunteer work at church. He finds virtual or distant relationships so much easier and hates conflict. He let's go of friendships and I try to help him connect. 
    It seems to me that you have worked your socks off! It's hard to let go of a relationship you have invested in so much.
    I think it's important to try and step back and look at the progress. Is it going in the right direction sustained over time? Establish what boundaries you expect in your relationship e.g. Access to his phone. Whatever you need to establish safe boundaries. If he doesn't want to play ball and theses are non-negotiable for you then perhaps it really is time to end the relationship. That is heartbreaking but it sounds like your heart is already broken. You can't make his choices but you can make your own. 
    Take good care of yourself, establish if you haven't already, a good network of trusted, non-judgemental supportive friends, read the books out there on this subject or online material (they are helping me) and, if affordable, your own counselling. You are worth the investment. 
    I almost missed this post as it was under another's. Try joining the Naked Trust forum too for partners 'exxposed hearts'. 
    It can fell really lonely and painful but many others are taking their own journey alongside you. It's great that you are reaching out. It's beautiful that you have such compassion and a desire to make family work. However it really does take two and you are worthy of love and effort. 
     
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  11. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    How do you give up, how do you kill the hope, its driving me crazy!   My life has been in turmoil for years - I love my husband but also dont like him.  I listen to his lies and fell shut out of his life.  we had our D Day about 3 yrs ago, but still he denied but I stood strong and eventually after having a visit to Paul Hall got him to look at sex addiction and he finally admitted it but would not go for treatment.  This went on for months, I tried not talking to him, gently discussing with him, telling him 'not his fault' and slowly he started to come back .. i say that because he was not present most of the time.   However tensions rose as another episode came to light.  My husband has multiple addictions so goes from Sex addiction, porn, masturbation, over working, drinking (although at this point not a lot), going to church, constantly watching same TV over and over  ..I could go on.  as his partner and wife it is very painful to see this man who has so much potential - he comes over to others as a perfect husband as he is a gentle sole but a very damaged sole.  
    I eventually told him to leave and locked him out  - he came back with a friend and opened up about the porn and said he would go into counselling, he did for a while but never really seemed to engage and sadly had a car accident 2 months into it.  So I stopped work, nursed him back to health, he nearly died twice and was home for 18 months.  He joined a 12 step group just before that but hated it.  After accident he went back to work and refused to go into anymore support as he said God had paid him back for talking about his problem, he would fix himself.
     He told me he was trying, I believed at first but slowly the addictions took hold and for the next 17 mths I watched him slowly withdraw.  He had periods of depression and major isolation issues.  Our sex life was terrible, I realised i was just a fix, no foreplay, no intimacy just sex, the man I loved just did not exist.  So again I talked about his addictions , he agrees he has multiple addictions but wont discuss the sex addiction as he says he is out all day working or being with friends to keep himself occupied.  He goes out at 8am and comes back at pm most days and has only done a few hours work.  When I what he has done or where he has been he becomes defensive and them the withdraws either to bed or goes very quiet and sinks into depression.    I have no proof this time, I know he cant just stop but his refusal to discuss or get help has exasperated my feelings of despair that he many never get back to reality.    He constantly changes his mind about things and never turns up on time, wipes his computer which has a porn guard on but he still looks at things on U tube and guards his phone at all times  ...I could go on.  He says he is getting better but I know different, he has slipped back and again I know this is a reality but if he wont admit he is lying to me and himself. 
     
    Things came to ahead a few months ago when I put the house up for sale, a few months before we were looking at houses in readiness of a move.  Only when we have buyer does he say he does not want to move.  I do so I stood strong and sale completes in about 2 weeks.   He blames me for not listening, being to controlling, he says he is lonely at work and all he wants to do is come home and lay on settee to watch TV.    He has got himself into debt for cars, vans, motorbikes, and thinks nothing of what he is spending.  I told him I was sick of responsibility as I pay all the bills and he is not earning enough to pay his credit on the vehicles he has bought.  Again I could go on, I cold pay off his debts and stop house sale but I knew I would be just enabling him.  If friends have problems and I go he says very nicely oh why dont you stay over - he loves me being out.  the last few months I have come home to broken bedside lamp, broken TV, scratches on dining room chair and he even told me he had a cleaner in once but could not give me any details.  House is always clean and tidy but this time all my things were put away - eg dresses that I had left hung up ready to pack for holiday, watch & perfume I had left on dresser, I suspect it was a prostitute.  He has admitted he went with prostitutes and uses porn but takes the minimalists point of all men do it.
    Eventually I have decided to continue with house sale, he is not happy he says i make all the decisions and our relationship is a power struggle, it is I agree with him and his addictions.  At times he has admitted his early childhood cause the problem - he is from another country and from what he has said had a complete lack of nurturing, with strict religious boundaries but no control and lots of responsibility as he was sent away to work to support his family and siblings from age 13.  My heart goes out to him he is so damaged but he refuses to get help, he clearly states due to his pride and shame.  So we progress 2 weeks ago I told him I could not live in a marriage like this, I loved him but we are both wasting our lives.  He said I needed to accept him as he was, he loved me but needed time, again I suggested help, he refused so I stuck to my guns.
    The next night he came home and said we should divorce, I am not sure if it was a ploy to get me to accept him as he is or not so I said yes I think you are right.  We have discussed financial options, we own several rental properties so one will be signed over to him as his sole residence.  I was originally going to move in with him which he was happy for me to do but have since decided I am just moving the situation so will rent a flat for now before I decide if I move away totally.   He behavior has change a little he is asking if I need help and making coffee etc but obviously failing to complete tasks.  He is polite and trying to do his own paperwork ( I usually do this for him), I am trying to arrange a removal date and he announces he is going to visit his family abroad possibly day after we move.   I tell him may move date because I may not have flat he says I should stay in his flat he will rent room.  I intend to get the flat as living with him will only put me back in the mother role. 
    So I now have two weeks to wind my home up, find a flat and end my marriage -  He spoke to family last night on skype and asked me to look as his little nephew (2 yrs) wanted to see me.  I did as I love this little boy as well but much to my amazement he family are their to all waiving and saying hello....they obviously have no idea!!  So I continue with my plans.
    I dont  really know what else I could do, I love this guy but hate the addict and maybe it will get him to focus on getting help, I am so confused one minute I am glad it over next I worrying about him how he will cope or if he realises what his addiction is going to do.  Then panic what he if comes back says he going to get help...what do I do...what if he doesnt???
    I told my family a few weeks ago and they were very supportive and even suggested they speak with him, they told me not to rush things as he may be trying but I cant stop the clock so onward to the future we go.  Maybe we both just given up!
    ps not sure if this is posted correctly as first time on site 
     
     
     
     
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  12. Jane added a post in a topic Should I be stressed out?   

    Hi there.  I clicked in to an email account two weeks ago,  that my husband has been using for the past 3 years to message other women on Craigslist to meet for nsa sex and also discovered that he was connected to squirt.org a website for hook up s with other men. I confronted him with this and he denies ever meeting any of the people he has messaged, said he only linked in with men in chat rooms on squirt.org and that he's not gay or bisexual,  but is addicted to porn. We are together 26 years with teenage children and have had a reasonably good sex life.  I'm not sure I want to stay in the relationship as he also binge drinks quite regularly which also causes a lot of stress in our relationship. I am so tired of his ambivalence to my feelings and his lies and betrayal of my trust.  I am heartbroken.  He desperately wants to work on our marriage and is terrified I will put him out of our home.  I really don't know what to do next.  We are both now seeing separate counsellors which hopefully will help me come to a decision fon what to do for the best.  I can't see him changing his behaviour for the long term. 
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  13. Realitycheck added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Patience
    Hi, I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that the father of my kids is a sex addict. This only came to light weeks after the birth of our youngest.  He has been on the intensive course and returned more selfish regarding my emotions and pain than ever.  I understand that he must be able to focus on recovery but I am struggling to come to terms with the rejection and feel that I was and never will be wanted by him in a normal way.  I'm disappointed that there seems very little time spent on explaining the severe impact on partners yet it seems that partners support is acknowledged as important and beneficial to an addicts recovery. Whilst I get that both partners  have to work on themselves, family life cannot just stop. I feel like I am supposed to suddenly be made of stone and steel not blood and guts. Believe me I know I have guts,  but I am really struggling to be expected to constantly maintain compassion for the perpetrator of all my pain, struggling to show patience with my partner whilst none is returned  when I need it most from him.  Sorry for ramble, just need to get it out. 
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  14. Christine added a post in a topic Confused   

    Good to hear that he has acknowledged his need for help and booked an appointment to see a counsellor, it is important that he sees a counsellor who has specialised training in this area so that he gets the right support. Counselling can help someone understand and look at the underlying causes for their own behaviour and they can then work towards making changes. Counselling can also be a great benefit for a partner who is reacting to what they have discovered, often suffering and in shock, how can you clearly know what to do at this stage, seeing a counsellor for support can help with sorting out your own thoughts and reactions, it can also give you a sense of control over your own situation. 
    Ranting is fine, hope you find direction soon
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  15. Rob added a post in a topic finally admitted it to myself ...   

    Hi Darren,
    Well done for having the courage to stand up and be open and honest about your struggles. It is a very tough thing to face.
    I can connect a lot with the feelings you describe - the "Jekyll and Hyde" split, the shame and feeling out of control of your behaviours. These are sadly common things a lot of addicts share. Feelings of depression and worthlessness are also something I can identify with and I know from experience are very real. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this.
    Here are some links to help you get more information on how to tackle this problem:
    http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help
    I hope these are useful to you to better understand that you are certainly not alone in this and to understand things so you can stop your behaviours and change things for the better.
    Personally, I've found real-life support groups invaluable to meet real men who also struggle with this problem and how we can help each other work through it.
    Peace.
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  16. darren added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    finally admitted it to myself ...
    I finally admitted it...
    To my self. 
    Probably over 10/15 years I've been struggling with sex addiction... in some way or another. 
    But only now I'm admitting it,
    I guess I always thought I was just normal or just a cheat or that it was the other persons fault, not mine. I didn't want to admit it was something I was struggling with... it was the shamefulness of it all. Every time my addiction brought me to that point i had to act up on it... i felt like Jekyll & Hyde, Then just absolutely terrible after.
    You fall into a sudden deep pool of despair & hatred towards your self afterwards, Which I can only imagine other addicts can only understand. My current partner is the only one that is forcing me to get help.. more for me than anything else, But I feel I'm not worth it and maybe thats just the depressed side of the addiction talking. 
    I feel I know how I feel inside, but just can't portray it on the outside.. to everyone else. I also hate talking about it as it makes it so much more real, which in hand makes me feel  even more low & depressed.
    I know if i focus and find a way I can beat this or at least control it for a normal, happier life... I NEED too. But now more than ever for the first time.. I WANT to!.
    My names Darren and I'm a sex addict.
     
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  17. Cowslip added a post in a topic Looking for understanding   

    We found some counsellors on the internet, and he rang several until he found one with experience in helping people with addiction to porn.  He had several sessions initially, which helped him understand why he behaved as he did, and I think knowing he can go back if he needs to has also been helpful.  He also found the self-help programme (the kick start recovery kit) you can get from this site very useful, and he keeps that to hand to go back through if things ever get tough.  
    I've though about counselling for myself, too, but at the moment I don't think I'm ready for that.  
     
    Hope you can find something to help you both.
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  18. sarahc added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Confused
    Hi,
    I guess I dont know where to start.  My husband and I got together two years ago, he had just begun his divorce proceedings and everything was amazing.  His first wife left after she found him in chat rooms, texting women and sending pictures.  He said it went no further and to be honest I believe him.  The didnt have a sex life and he claims that drove him to act in the manner he did.
     
    After a 9 months together we moved in (i left my country to follow him), it was a massive step and everyone thought I was mad, I love him so much but now I think im the fool.  Shortly after we moved in together he was away in Africa with work.  I was logging on to my email from the pc and found he had another email address which he hadnt logged out of, it was full of notifications from kik and plenty of fish.  I obsessed over them for two weeks whilst he was away.  I confronted him when he was home and he said it was because he didnt know how we would work out and he didnt want to be alone.  We talked things through and I thought we had sorted them out.
     
    Roll on a few months and we got engaged.  I then discovered that he was messaging one of the girls and also send explicit texts to another (who had been one of the reasons why his first marriage had broke up).  Again I confronted him and there was a lot of crying and soul searching but I agreed to stay.  I told him he needed help and he agreed he did but he was scared in case his work found out.
    We got married and everything was perfect until two days ago.  I discovered that once again he had messaged a girl and sent her a photo.  I feel sick and worthless right now.  I dont know what to do or where to turn.  He has agreed once again he needs help but this time he has actually made an appointment with a counsellor.  Hes seeing her tomorrow.  I go from being normal with him to being so so angry to the point I cant even look at him.  I dont know what to do, I dont want to give up on my marriage but I dont think I can face this again.
    Does counselling help?
     
    Sorry for the rant, I am just so lost right now.
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  19. Anon123 added a post in a topic Looking for understanding   

    What is the help? The furthest we have got is ordering some self help books. Is there something else that you would recommend? 
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  20. Cowslip added a post in a topic Looking for understanding   

    Hi Anon123
    I can identify with so much of what you are saying.  I was aware of my husband's porn use over our 30 year marriage.  In the first place it was just 'top shelf' magazines, and the occasional video.  I was not happy about it, but accepted the received wisdom that 'all men do it', and apart from that I would have said that our marriage was relatively stable and (for me at least) sexually fulfilling. Two years ago I discovered that his porn use had escalated dramatically, and was shocked by the extreme nature of some of the things he was watching.  I confronted him, he was distraught and embarrassed and promised to quit.  Nine months on, and I found that he had quit for all of two months, and was viewing just as much as before.  The second time was much more devastating, as he was now aware of how I disturbed and upset I was by his porn use, but he went back to it anyway, after all his promises.  It felt as though I had been stabbed through the heart.
    He is now in a better place, and has received some help to understand and deal with his addiction (he now understands that is what it is - previously, he said, he thought he was just 'made that way').  He made what I believe was a full disclosure to me, which was hard for both of us, but was very necessary.  We are both trying to be more open and honest and more supportive of each other's emotional needs.  I think that it was only the second time that he really understood both the harm he was doing to me, and the harm he was doing to himself.  Bizarrely, I think we are now in some ways closer than we had been for a long time.
    However, like you, I look back at the photos and videos of our life together, and wonder if I was just deceiving myself about this man all along.  The bad patches in our marriage now loom much larger in my memory than the good times, and I am frequently sideswiped by some reference or incident which brings back to me the avalanche of grief and anger that I felt when I discovered his porn use for the second time.
    Will I stay with him?  I am not sure. Do I trust him?  Not yet.  Do I still love him?  Sometimes.  I take each day as it comes, make time for myself, and make sure that if I am worried or concerned, I confront him with it immediately.  
    I wish you all the very best as you move forwards, and want you to know that what you are feeling is shared by so many other women.  We are strong and we can come through this!
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  21. Anon123 added a post in a topic Looking for understanding   

    I really appreciate all of the responses that have come through. In a way it's good to know I'm not alone in the battle with this. 
    We've just been away on our planned family holiday. We had ups and downs. 3 says were awful but the majority was ok. If I allow myself to think about it, my mood becomes awful and I am filled with anger and rage and then sadness. If I try to ignore it i get on ok until something reminds me of it. I'm not sure how healthy it is to surpress things this way or if the marriage will last. Time will tell. 
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  22. Gabriel added a post in a topic Facing the Truth... and Struggling to cope   

    Hi Kitty,
    Thank you for posting on the Forum, I know it takes courage to reach out and let others know what you're experiencing and I'm sorry to read what a hard time you're having right now.
    The questions you're asking yourself are very understandable and most partners in your situation ask themselves the same questions.
    It sounds like you're reading, of have read Paula's Partners Perspective book and I hope that has been helpful. Many partners find having their own counselling to support them through this difficult time very helpful, preferably with someone trained and experienced in supporting partners of Sex Addicts.
    If that was something you felt would be useful, one place you could start to look for a suitable counsellor is the ATSAC (the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity) website: http://www.atsac.co.uk/out-of-control-sexual-behaviour
    There is also a support group for the Partners of Sex Addicts that I know many have found very supportive and useful.: http://www.cosa-recovery.org/states/UnitedKingdom.html
    Best Wishes
     
    Gabriel.


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  23. Claire added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    I'm hoping your counselling is still going well, Chris, and that you and your husband are making progress.  Your message was a source of comfort to me in that it's such a sad and lonely place to be - the wife of a sex addict - because there's just so little known about sex addiction and so few people to talk to about it.  One of the problems that I find with sex addiction is that it can be so easily hidden and is very difficult to prove.  My husband has become a very nasty and cruel person as a result of his addiction.   He tells lies to friends and family about me to explain why we're separating but omits to tell them of his own problem!  When I confronted him about this he replied that "they know all they need to know"!  I just can't talk to him any more as nothing makes sense and I feel completely powerless.  But my sons need a stable environment and I just can't seem to give them this as I'm up against an all powerful sickness that has completely taken over their father.  What do I do?  I don't want to tell them the truth yet and I don't defend myself against anything my husband says about me as I really don't see the point.  I have been living away from home in friends' houses and abroad on holiday all summer as I can't live under the same roof as him.  My boys were with me for some of the time but now they're at home with their father.  I have begged and pleaded for a 50/50 arrangement so that the boys can stay in their home and we take equal turns at living there but there has been no cooperation from my husband.  It's an insane situation - I've done nothing and yet I'm the one living out of the house. I'm all alone at the moment and want so much to go home but I can't - how crazy is that!
    You're lucky to have met good counsellors who seem equipped to deal with the problem.  Our counsellors were mostly out of their depth.  We had a year with a marriage counsellor, a nice woman but who dealt with us as an ordinary couple without coming to grips with the reality that is sex addiction in a marriage.  
    I wish you the best and thank you for taking the time to get in touch.  It means a lot. 
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  24. Rena added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hey Kitty, 
    Really good to hear from you - as much as it can be on these topics! 
    I am sorry you are going through a similar thing, but like you I find it useful to realise I am not the only person experiencing it. 
    The double moral standards, as you very nicely put it, is a really big problem. I hope we can find a way through it. It certainly would be interesting to hear from any of the SAs on the forum, what their thoughts are, as from our perspective it is completely inaccessible. 
    A bit like saying ' I am an extroverted introvert,'  is there also a feminist mysoginist?
    I'm sorry you are having to go to medication, but I hope it helps. Certainly reducing anxiety a little should help all round. Some counselling, even short term, may help you to work out some of your feelings too.
    I feel very alone with it all at the moment, and sometimes find it difficult to justify why I am staying with someone who is capable of being so cruel to me, and other women. We don't deserve it! 
    I realised recently that while it has been about 9 months since everything came out in the open, there are all these new and confusing ways to feel bad about it, while my partner is angry that I am not over it already. 
    The predominant thing is the complexity of trying to re establish trust with someome who appears to have a split personality, or, as I read in some of his messages to other women, thinks "I can do whatever I want". 
    Love to you Kitty. I hope for both of us we can find happiness 
    X
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  25. Kitty added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hi Rena
    Your story and feelings are very similar to mine. I don't have any answer to give you as totally in the same place. The double life and double moral standards are what I am finding very difficult. The cycle of shame, guilt, not being able to handle me being upset or asking questions. I am panicking that as stress is a trigger will the stress this is causing and causes him when I am upset will make him go and do it again?
    I am just so glad it isn't just me feeling like this. (Although I would also prefer no other woman or man to feel the way I do) I too have felt like I'm going mad but am starting to realize this is normal reaction. I at a point where I think I need some kind of medical help to manage the anxiety. Which I never would have thought I would do. But I'm worried because if I tell him I'm on tablets he will be really upset, think he has caused it, be stressed and again will he relapse because of it? I've spent quite a long time over the last 6 weeks hiding my emotions but it reached a point last week (when I faced the reality he is a SA) where it has all come out. This has what feels like "pushed us back a few steps"
    I really hope we can both get through this 
     
    xx
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