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  1. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

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  2. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Day 7

    Successfully completed day 7 of my 90 day no PMO reboot. 

    I watched this video on sex addiction:

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  3. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Day 6

    Completed day 6 of my 90 day no PMO reboot. 

    I have been thinking of the role of gratitude in our lives. Too often, we don't make time for this. One of the things that i am doing every morning is to consciously think of a few things I am grateful for in my own life. 

    I also liked what Oliver Sacks wrote in the months before he died:

    "I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure."
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  4. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Day 5

    Completed day 5 of my 90 day no PMO reboot.

    "Concentrate every minute … on doing what’s in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice. And on freeing yourself from all other distractions … you do everything as if it were the last thing you were doing in your life, and stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable"
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  5. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Day 4

    It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat (Roosevelt)
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  6. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Day 3

    I will write of him who fights,
    And vanquishes his sins,
    Who struggles on through weary years
    Against himself ... and wins.
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  7. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

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  8. Schrödinger added a topic in Success Stories   

    Schrödinger's 90 day reboot
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  9. Schrödinger added a post in a topic Hello Newbie Here   

    Hey Izzy. 
    Welcome. You've done the right thing by reaching out. And also by realising that you might have an addiction. 
    Don't beat yourself up about the mistake. Use it to begin the learning process of what is going on in your head, and what feelings you are running away from. 
    Go and read up about sexual addiction, think about having therapy, go on a course, and talk to others who might be in the same place as you.
    Remember you are not alone. 
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  10. Izzy added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Hello Newbie Here
    Hi there
    After a scare with a stranger tonight I've been researching and it looks like I'm addicted to sex and or porn.
    I'm married and love my life, pregnant wife and two dogs very very much, which is why when a girl I was texting threatened to put a photo of me on Facebook I panicked.
    After the research I think I'm addicted to porn and the attention of strangers, I have met other guys for sex and I can rationalise this as having no feelings for anyone and only wanting pleasure.
    This girl was advertising blow jobs and i thought I'd have a go, what a mistake, anyway it looks like she has done me a favour as now I know I have a problem and what it is.
    Can anyone help?
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  11. Justin Marsh added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Porn Blocker - Linux computer - Help!
    I’ve had a very specific question about what porn blocking software will work for the following system:  LINUX UBUNTU 14.4 or later Computer  Can anyone help please? 
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  12. Rob added a post in a topic A year into recovery   

    Hello PJ,
    Thank you for your honesty and courage in posting here. I really appreciate hearing from someone who is further down the path than me and would hugely benefit from you sharing your experiences through your past year of recovery - the highs, the lows and important lessons you learned.
    I can relate to many things you touch on here - being inside the porn bubble and definitely about not doing it alone. Without a doubt, that has been the single most important part of my recovery so far. Not just in doing Paula's recovery course and having a framework around addiction and understanding what I need to do but also - critically - becoming open and honest with other guys in the same boat and being able to empathise and support each other through the feelings we all struggle with. I tried for over ten years to deal with things on my own and I know I can't do that. It just doesn't work for me. I can't go it alone. I need other people and there are many other people like us out there as well as professionals who want to help.
    It's a brave thing to do to open up and disclose to your wife. I know first hand that puts huge strain on a relationship and I think all partners need help as well to cope with it. It's a life changing revelation for both sides.
    I wish you the very best in continuing your recovery and hope greatly you can share more of your experiences.
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  13. penny added a post in a topic Found out recently - can there be recovery?   

    Hello I am in a similar position to you.  I have been married for 14 years and for eight of those my husband was messing around with random women, random men, frequenting swingers clubs, dogging sites, dating sites and having sex with one of his pals.  He tried to stop but replaced hisphysical acting out with porn which led to an addiction all of its own. I suspected but never had proof, I confronted a couple of times but he always denied it.  I found proof eventually and confronted the situation after burying my head in the sand for all those years (my counsellor calls it unconscious collusion).  I was 'lucky' that when I managed to get the whole truth out of him (it took 3 months and an ultamatum) he realised what he had become and got himself a counsellor who specialised in sex addiction.  He is a changed man, he is far more open, far more calmer and where we never argued or confronted our issues we now do.  I have my own counsellor (who was trained by Paula Hall) which you may benefit from, I didn't think I needed it and I REALLY didn't want to go, but it has helped enormously with ME.  You need somewhere to vent and someone who can make sense of it all and someone who won't judge.  It is always a risk staying with an addict, it's scarey as they convinced themselves that what they were doing was OK at the time.  I do live in fear, but I cannot control his actions nor do I want to be his mother and I don't want to become co-dependant ( have you read Paula's books for partners).
    We had lots of open discussions and I can see a difference in him, but they have to really face what they have done.
    I do snoop on his emails and phone, but not as much as I used to, the pain does diminish.  It is difficult to trust though, I am nearly a year on and it is very very difficult.  I am not sure if they ever get off the cycle.  I am going away for a couple of days soon and I a, leaving him alone and this is when he would normally do his physical acting out and it is tearing me to pieces, so much so that my counsellor booked me in for an extra appointment just before I go.
    I would recommend you get a counsellor to yourself and one that Is Paula Hall trained.
    I think the sex addiction will always be there in the back of my mind (a way to protect myself according to my counsellor) and thats not a bad thing, it's just a different way of being.
    Hope this helps, sorry for the ramble.
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  14. Bellatrix added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Found out recently - can there be recovery?
    Married for six years, together for twelve. I found out recently that my husband was having an affair with a woman from work. Started off with just one affair then everything grew from there. He has been seeing random people for sex for the past eight years. Going on hookup and affair websites. He has been meeting men, woman and transexuals for the purpose of fulfilling his desires. He enjoys anal sex and only meets people who will do this. We only occasionally did this together and he didnt mention it was an issue.
    He was physically - not sexually - abused by his father as a child which I think might have played a part- he never had a good childhood.  He also states he watched a lot of porn and 'gradually worked up to this'.
    He says he is glad that I found out, that he wants to stop this behaviour and is booking to see a sex therapist. He is going to be reading your book and we watched your TEDtalk together. We are also seeing a marriage counseller.
    I have discussed this with my friend, who feels that I can stay with him but there is always a risk, he will always be an addict. I need to move forward with eyes wide open, be vigilant and accept that the dream I had for my life is over. I wanted to have children but I am now worried about that - what lengths is a person willing to go to fulfil his desire? You know what I am trying to say without putting it into words. There has been no inclination that he has done this, but how well do I know my husband?
    Is there any chance of recovery? What will be life be like? I don't want to be a spy, I want to be a wife so how do I know if he has recovered?
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  15. Hannah added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Partner of a porn addict and my own painful history
    My partner quit porn last year after many years of porn addiction. I just couldn't deal with it any longer. I was at the point of emotional breakdown and self harm. My husband was shocked to discover me in such a state. He quit as much for his own reasons as he was suffering in secret and had tried to quit but found that he couldn't. He has been successful so far but I've had a lot of trouble coming to terms with how we ended up in such a negative rut.
    Reading through Paula's book for partners I have had to face my own sexual history which began with a very traumatic sexual assault at the age of 12 by a group of youths aged about 14-17 years old. The grabbed me, stripped me, and intended to rape me one by one, telling me they'd kill me if I told anyone. Someone must have tipped off the police or witnessed it because two policeman came running past and the boys ran, with the police in pursuit. The two policemen ignored me, which at the time I was glad about because I feared my parents finding out and my school too. I thought I'd get into trouble. This was in the 1970s and I know from campaigns in the 80s that rape was not taken seriously and victims were not treated with respect in those days. I was not raped. There was no penetrative sex but I was sexually assaulted. Most of all I remember being in a state of shock. I went to my friends house and told her what happened, although I didn't quite remember that clearly because I was numb with shock. The following day I didn't go to school. I stayed at home whilst my parents were at work. I never told them. All I remember was that I was still in shock that day. I was just 12 years old. 
    I grew up with this shameful secret. I've never told anyone in my adult life. My husband doesn't know. 
    I have never liked porn. I have always considered it abusive, the gratuitous objectification is disturbing to me. I was really upset when I learned of porn categories like "teen porn" and "gang bang" and "rape" for obvious reasons. Even in social media, the abuse directed at women in the public eye, with threats to rape and murder is disturbing. 
    My husband says he didn't watch "abusive" genres of porn, but to me, that whole realm of watching and objectifying and consuming women as commercial products is horrible anyway. Not only do I dislike porn for its objectification of women, I dislike the male attitudes to viewing consuming porn, and the normalisation of this porn culture. As a 12 year old, although this was before Internet and hardcore videos, I felt that I was reduced to the level of entertainment when I was sexually assaulted by that gang, a lot like being the subject of a "teen rape" genre of porn video.
    I watched a documentary on sexism and "lad culture" which included references to online rape threats directed at women on social media. I found myself crying by the time the programme ended. I couldn't believe how violent sexual threats towards women were just like "hey, it's ironic" and complaints about sexism were dismissed as just humourless feminists who should "get over it". 
    How what happened to me at the age of 12 ties in with my difficulties in overcoming the effects of my partner's porn habit on my self esteem and self image, I don't know. My reaction to his porn videos was visceral, like a physical blow to the stomach, and I felt traumatised by it too.
    I don't know what to do now. I just want to cry. I can't make sense of my experience as a 12 year old and my experience as the partner of a recovering porn addict. 
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  16. EJP1000 added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    I can't describe how devastated I am….
    Hi everyone,
    A friend recommended this site to me today….I am two weeks away from giving birth and this week I discovered that my sex addict husband who has been in recovery (SAA) for 8 months has been lying and cheating the whole time and never stopped once. I am just in shock. I thought he had been doing so well, he had been working the steps, seeing a therapist, we had seen a marriage therapist who had even said she didn't need to see us anymore and now I discover the whole thing is a big fat lie.
    He is now back in recovery and promises this time he will be honest and stay sober but I find it very hard to believe. I originally found out about his sex addiction last September, we split up for 2 months and then got back together and I accidentally got pregnant. I saw this baby as a gift and a new start, he promised he would work on his addiction and get well, but now here we are, two weeks away from my due date and he has just continued to act out. I am devastated and I don't understand which is crazy as I am in AA myself and grew up with two alcoholic parents yet I can't help but take his sex addiction so personally. Plus the only reason I know things is from reading his email account which he stupidly left open on my computer - he has huge shame and refuses to admit anything to me and just wants to "move on" whereas I want him to be honest. I'm scared he might have given me an STD. He has paid money to women for sex even though we have no money. He even had his ex girlfriend stay with him in his place in France for a week (he is french) when I was a few weeks pregnant and obviously never said a word…..just lies, lies, lies. The sad thing is I know he loves me and I love him and I want to be with him. He is a wonderful stepdad to my daughter and I am sure will be a great father to our baby but I don't know if I can cope with anymore of his acting out, lies etc. I am pleased he is willing and in recovery but as he has done it all before and not actually done it, I find it very hard to believe he will do it properly now.
    Sorry for such a depressing post - I don't think it helps that my hormones are all over the place - if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to stay calm and look after myself and the baby but it is very very hard.

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  17. blindsided added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Where will this end?
    I'm sorry for the length of this but please bear with me! I discovered 1 month ago that my partner of 9 years has been using gay 'hook up' sites to meet men for sex - usually at our home. And as if that isn't bad enough, he did this whilst cross-dressing! I am absolutely stunned, my head is swimming and I'm still reeling from the shock. Initially I threw him out and was clear that our relationship was over but, within hours, after seeing my young son sitting in his pyjamas trying desperately to keep his eyes open, waiting for his dad to come home, I decided that we needed to separate in a more gentle way so our son wouldn't suffer more than was necessary. I went to fetch him back that night and was stunned, angry and devastated to see that it was obvious he'd been considering ending his life. I took him home and we ended up talking endlessly about absolutely everything. He answered all my questions on how, when, where and who and told me he'd being actively doing this for around 15 months and that he'd done it previously, before we were together, he told me when I found him that he had planned to have a bottle of wine and decide whether to take his life as he could see no way out of this mess. Then he begged me not to end our relationship. I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do but that he needed help. Within 48 hours he'd arranged an assessment with a counsellor, booked an appointment with his G.P and went to the GUM clinic for a barrage of tests. He has since seen his G.P and had several sessions with a counsellor who have both said he has an issue with sexual 'compulsion', depression and anxiety and the counsellor has also highlighted several issues from his childhood and past that she believes are at the root of these problems and he is actively trying to address these to help his recovery. He is very optimistic about his future ability to recover from this and is so much happier in every way. He is completely committed to his therapy and recovery and to saving our relationship. I've promised him that because he's done all this work and because I love him, well, the man that I fell in love with, that I'd try my hardest to stick with him through the recovery process and, hopefully, rebuild our relationship.  The problem is that I'm just swinging from mood to mood, having days where we could have almost forgotten what's happened and are enjoying being together - like we used to do, and then there are days when I just feel so much pain and need to ask hundreds of questions, which, to be fair, he always answers but he is obviously struggling to cope with them now and then I bring his mood crashing down - and then I feel bad and feel like I'm hindering his recovery. I am also now seeing a counsellor - the first session was on Friday, but I have so many thoughts and worries that they're just getting in the way of us moving forward. Can a sex addict ever get over this completely? Is it possible for a relationship to overcome something like this? Will this uncertainty ever end or is this how our relationship would be forever? 
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  18. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    Partners Intensive Recovery Course


    Course Objectives
     To provide a sense of safety and stability after the trauma of disclosure of sex addiction. To provide a sense of control over emotional reactions. To empower to make informed choices based on knowledge and truth. To provide a support network. NB – the goal of this course is not to ‘save’ the relationship, but to provide partners space to explore their individual situation and needs within a supportive community.
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  19. Paula Hall added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course


    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
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  20. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic Welcome   

    Thanks for setting this up Paula. Looking forward to improving my situation!
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  21. Joe added a post in a topic Welcome   

    At the moment I'm glad I found this place I'm struggling. But glad I found this place.
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  22. Alys added a post in a topic Living with the aftermath of porn addiction   

    Hi dw
    Porn addiction is awful. I had no idea that porn was addictive and my husband certainly didn't. It turned out that he was finding the experience quite miserable. He tried to quit but always went back to it. I had no idea it had its downsides. I was under the impression that the way of thinking was was "this is fantastic, these women are amazing" and in their heads imagining they were having some sort of incredible sexual experience. The other side of he story is a lonely man searching compulsively for the "ultimate" video clip to "finish" to after trawling through all the movies that fail to deliver. It's the brain chemistry that they get hooked on. There's a really good website that explains the addiction theory called 
    When men say it's not a reflection on their partner and we shouldn't "take it personally" etc, the addiction theory explains why. Once I understood this dopamine/reward cycle that was going on, then it didn't feel so personal. Having said that, my self esteem was non existent and I had an extremely negative body image. I hated my reflection in the mirror. His porn "tastes" didn't do me any favours. When Paula warns about having mental images, or in my case actually seeing for myself, it causes even more harm to one's self esteem. We only have one body and as a woman, to have my body rejected felt like a rejection of my very existence as a human being.
    It took a lot of pain, a lot of tears and a lot of work to get me to where I am now but I don't think I'm over it. Far from it. I'm still hurting. I'm still recovering. We both are. He has stayed away from porn. Finding out about the addictive process of porn and its effects on the brain  helped us both. He didn't want his behaviour to be just some sort of Pavlov's dog response. He woke up to reality. His "sessions" were no more than just him and a laptop. There was nobody else in the room, just pixels on a screen. There was no sex happening. He was masturbating to pixels. The movies were just recordings of performances done for the camera. Nothing was real. It was all an act. He wasn't having sex, he was consuming a product.
    It took a lot for me to even try and feel good about myself again. I'm still trying. Porn addiction is never really "over". He could relapse. It happens. He hasn't relapsed so far but he acknowledges that he could. The addiction pathways have been created and were reinforced by years of porn viewing. They might become weaker with lack of stimuli BUT they  never disappear, just like you can't unlearn how to ride a bike  That's why it's so important to build ourselves up again and feel good about ourselves regardless of whether we are married to a porn addict. If you don't have Paula's book for partners, buy it. It makes even more sense to me now than it did 6 months ago.
    You and your husband can overcome this as a couple but believe you me, it's like a crazy roller coaster ride that will go on for months. Tackling this problem takes a lot of inner strength and resolve, so be prepared. I always knew that it was going to be a big thing to face up to, and perhaps that was why I turned a blind eye for so long. But I reached a point where I realised that for the sake of my sanity and my dignity, not to mention the survival of my marriage, it had to change. He was relieved to stop though. It had gone on for too long and he was caught in a cycle of misery with it. 
    Good luck, and please check in and tell me how it's going. 
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  23. Paula Hall added a post in a topic How do I know he's not just faking recovery   

    Hi Fiona,
    8 years is a long time to wait, always wondering if this time will the time he finally gets sorted.  Unfortunately we see lots of people who have wasted years of therapy and huge amounts of money with therapists who aren't trained in this field.  And one of the mistakes untrained therapists make is not being able to ensure that the person with the addiction is fully motivated to change.  To change for themselves, because it's what they 'want' - not just to keep their family together.  Obviously we understand that family is a key motivator, but it does need to be more than that.  Until someone really wants to change because they firmly believe there is a better life without addiction, then relapses are almost inevitable.  If you haven't already done so, please do get in touch.  We can provide support for you as well as ensuring your husband is fully getting into recovery this time.  Warmest wishes. Paula
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  24. Davyswifey added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    No muppet at all. Why would any of us think this is going on in our own lounge/dining room. An otherwise respectable man with a good job, nice manners etc.
    It is devastating, only if your in this situation can you fully understand. I, like you have been married many years and was dumbfounded when I realised what was going on. Whats makes it worse now is that at one time the images were just on his computer. Not anymore, now there on his tablet and smart phone too. He had discs hidden in the bedroom with thousands of images on. I snapped them in two but he can just go back on the Internet and burn more.
    It's good to talk anyway. 
    Take care x
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  25. Davyswifey added a post in a topic Living with the aftermath of porn addiction   

    I have just found this site and your post made me want to reply. My husband has been addicted to porn for around 13 years. I found out many years later after installing a keylogger on the computer, I thought he was up to something else so was gobsmacked when it dawned on me.
    He has tried to stop on 3/4 occasions but failed, not because he doesn't want to but because he's addicted. The final straw was only Friday night just gone when he was next to me in bed on his tablet looking at porn images. He thought I was asleep.
    I have given him an ultimatum, me or porn. I can't do this anymore. I feel unattractive, worthless. It is terrible. Is it my fault? Maybe, but he has to beat this. Love him so much it hurts really bad. Been married for 23 years and have 3 kids together.
    Anyway, if you want to talk some more please get in touch x
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