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  1. workinprogress added a post in a topic shame   

    Far from alone, ha, like Rob says. Your explanation reads very similar to the one I could have written a few years back. I wish that I'd been brave enough to come clean, instead of always needing to be caught out. That always made me feel even more of an arsehole. Not sure it would have made things any better for my SO or for myself, with benefit of hindsight. Maybe focus first on getting yourself clean for a spell, and then when your brain's not clogged with fog, and you can think straight, consider what you want to disclose?
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  2. workinprogress added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Good luck on your journey, Tortoise... and to you, 10. The addictive behaviour is a tough thing to fight but you're taking the right steps. Hopefully at the same time as resisting the damaging, compulsive, behaviours, you can find time to look at some of the underlying issues that may be causing you to self-soothe through sex and porn use.
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  3. Rob added a post in a topic shame   

    Hello,
    You should know you're not alone in struggling with this problem and it is very difficult. I found it easy to get stuck in a vicious cycle where I'd act out, get angry and ashamed of myself and then so act out more to try and hide. Obviously this is a self destructive pattern. The key is finding ways to break it and so things differently.
    I'd recommend most of all that each time you slip up, you learn and understand why and then what things you can do differently in future. Otherwise the pattern keeps going. You have to find things that work for you.
    I think for partners, it's very tough on them. My wife feels isolated and rejected. So if I told her when I slipped or was tempted then I think that would be hurtful. I find it's easier for me to be accountable to guys in my group instead. It's very good you're being honest though - I had a big tendency to hide my behaviour. So being open is a good first step.
    Sorting this out and growing from it requires a lot of learning and self exploration which is a process. There's a lot of material out there both on the Internet and in books that has helped me a lot but required a lot from me to actively work on. The urges don't go away by themselves but can be managed and controlled over time while you build a better life.
    For me, a real life support group has been essential - I tried to stop on my own before without success and really need the help and insight of others.
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  4. ha added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    shame
    hi im new on here and looking for some help and advice
    im trying to stop my addiction and struggling the worst part is every time i slip up i want to tell my partner but cant bring myself to tell her. then she finds out and is obviously angry i never told her. i just cant get past that barrier of shame and fear of losing her to tell her it before she finds out. i used to automatically deny it when confronted then come clean later when pressed. iv got better at that and admitted straight off when last found out. i wanted to tell her but couldn't say it  and kept putting it off and then it was to late. 
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  5. Patty added a post in a topic How to make a distinction   

    My world has just come crashing down in a similar way - sending you a hug x
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  6. Patty added a post in a topic I Just Need To Vent   

    Just sending you a virtual cuddle xx
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  7. Nomore added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    Thank you sad lady for your kind words. It really helps. I'm going to see a close friend today who I can confide in. It's so hard carrying on as normal for the sake of the children when in reality I feel like screaming.
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  8. Sad lady added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    Hello no more. My heart really goes out to you and if i could hug you i would. You are going through the worse pain ever and you need to look after yourself.  Take each day as it comes. You both need counselling and then can unwind the mess that is in his head.  You need a good friend or family member to talk to. I told too many people when i found out about my husband and regretted it later, so choose carefully someone who you can trust.
    His addiction has nothing to do with you, i repeat it has nothing to do with you. You have not caused it, its got nothing to do with sex with you, not your age, size, look, hair colour, the way you cook, nothing. It is his problem, he has had this problem before he even met you. Its his shame not yours you have done nothing wrong. Hold your head up high, try to smile.
    go and see your doctor, they will be able to help you and give you info in your areGo stay with a friend or family member for a few days. They dont need to know all the details just say its not working out or something and you need a few days away from him.
    my husband had affairs with 2 of my so called friends and addicted to porn.  I was in total shock. He is the sort of bloke everyone likes, funny, good looking all that, i thought we had it all! That was 11 years ago we are still together but i recently found out that he has never really given up porn. So now we are finished its over. He has moved into the spare room and i am exhausted with it all really. Its like having another child so so sad. We are going to relate next week. 
    So my friend step back and think what you would say to someone else. Maybe it will work out for you. When i told our sons that we are finished they said i should have left years ago. I feel stronger now and am ready at nearly 60 to have my life now i really wasnt ready before and like you had young children. Dont make any decisions now, just get through each day best you can.
    sending hugs x
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
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  9. Nomore added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Just discovered my husbands secrets
    Hi,
    I feel like I am going crazy. I have been with my husband for 13years. I found out a few weeks ago that he has been having an affair 'just for sex' for 3 years. Since our first daughter was born. Also turns out he is addicted to porn and masturbation. Plus there is probably more that he hasn't told me.
    ive known our marriage hasn't been right for at least 3 years, he's just seemed unengaged and uninterested. We haven't had sex for nearly a year because he said he didn't want to. Despite that he kept complaining about being sexually frustrated and that I wasn't sensual enough or interested in sex.
    he appears to be full of remorse and says he wants to change but I have no idea how I can trust what he says. Will I just be commiting myself to more hurt? On the other hand we have two young children and he is a good dad. I don't want to ruin their life if there's a chance things can improve. 
    I guess I want some hope. Has anyone else's husband turned things around? Should I risk more hurt for myself and stay with him? How will I see him as a loving husband and father again rather than a sex crazed monster?
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  10. trish added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Husband addicted to sex
    Hey, I am quite embarrassed to ask this question. I cannot ask this to anyone else and I think asking it in this forum is an excellent idea.
    We are married for about two years. I came to know that my husband was addicted to sex in the first day of marriage itself. He asks me to do those things in which I am not interested in.
    I returned back home after staying with my parents for a while. My husband abused me physically and I had my nose broken in the act. My parents were really supportive. My husband didn't pay for the expenses and forced me to return back to him. He didn't even listen when I told him that my doctor asked me to take rest for a period of one month.
    But, I realized that he called me back in order to satisfy his sexual needs. He asked me to perform sexual acts in this condition. He is forcing me, and I am scared to live with him. I fear that he would harm me if I didn't obey.
    What can I do in this situation? What can be done to reduce this addiction? Please give some genuine replies and suggestions. Thanks in advance.
     
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  11. Rob added a post in a topic Advice and help   

    Hello,
    Getting the tools in theory through counselling is one thing. But putting them into practice and making them effective habits and a part of your life is definitely something else. I can really connect with it. I would encourage you to keep persevering with it and revisit the techniques as well often. That helps me make things stick more but real change does take time. One thing I struggle(d) with which I think is common for us addicts is wanting a "quick fix" to the problems but there isn't one really - it takes continual effort over time which is why it's so important to keep at it over the days, weeks and months ahead. It is worth it though and I really hope you find the many rewards it brings along the way.
    I'm glad the counselling helped you. Like you, I also struggled with having no outlet so it's good you feel that helped - it's something that is a positive coping mechanism I think. Looking back on past actions and behaviours is very difficult to reconcile. Because on the one hand, it's really important to peel back the layers of denial, rationalisation and minimalisation etc. that have gone on for many years - these things are particularly difficult for partners I feel. Yet at the same time, it's really easy to slip into running yourself down or beating yourself up over it. Keeping a compassionate perspective has been key for me to find the right middle ground - where I can dwell in the reality of what went on but without wanting to punish myself for it. It's very difficult though and there are a lot of strong feelings. I do struggle as well with those feelings of inadequacy you refer to or feeling like you're not good enough for another relationship. It might not feel like it but that's simply not true and you are starting to take charge of your problems now.
    I would like to encourage you to learn more about the problems with porn addiction and the details around it to improve your understanding at least. I think you might find some connection there or things will strike you about your own behaviours or thoughts that maybe you hadn't considered before. It can be a good way to grow and decide how and where you get more help in future. For me, it helped open my eyes about the effects of my behaviours that I hadn't considered before - I thought it was "harmless" or "just" a secret from my wife but actually it leaked it out in much broader ways through my whole life, my attitudes to people, priorities in life etc.
    https://yourbrainonporn.com/
    Peace and best wishes to you.
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  12. 10 added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    I have lived with a similar problem from exactly the same age but in addition and due to the fact money wasnt an issue as my life went on it led me to use prostitutes as that gave me an extra buzz!  Sadly it led to my 20 year marriage breakdown so i am now divorced and im finally searching for help on this.  Reading about other people in similar situations does help for me as im sure it does for you.  
     
    Keep positive and be happy!
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  13. 10 added a post in a topic Advice and help   

    Rob thanks for replying it means a lot.  My councelling has finished now and i have been equipped with some tools to use to help me although at the moment these are not proving too useful but time will tell.  I feel much better about the whole thing after counselling i was beating myself up severly for 20 years plus, my behaviours led to my 20 year marriage breakdown and my 3 children suffering for this, its a shame i never seeked help sooner but i am where i am now.  I dont feel i could ever have another relationship with another woman as it would only end with me doing the same thing again.  It is amazing what has been explained to me and why i have adopted these habbits to hide the pain i never dealt with as a child.  I am now starting to live my live with feelings and understanding myself more and what makes me tick so to speak and its very interesting, but just the tip of the iceberg i suppose.  I think i will book some futher counseling before i decide what other specific sex addiction help i need as i still feel i dont want to go through with that type of thing.  Its good to know there are guys like yourself out there who have been through similar and are looking out for people like me so thanks again.  
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  14. Rob added a post in a topic Advice and help   

    Hello,
    It takes bravery and courage to open up about these things and our difficulties. Well done for that. I know first hand it isn't easy.
    Personally, I lived in total isolation and denial of my problems for many many years. I shut myself away and thought that I must be the only person with this problem and somehow it made me defective and broken. Slowly as I've recovered, I've been able to see myself with more compassion over time and realise that my past behaviours were me just trying to cope the best I could with what I knew then. As my horizons have expanded that need diminished and I've been learning about different ways which don't require me doing such self-destructive behaviour. A key part for me was seeing how I am not alone. You are not alone. There are many other guys like you and me out there whose issues and relationship with sex in whatever way have damaged their lives or themselves. So I'd like you to please understand you are definitely not alone in that. There are people out there who struggle with similar things and are all at different points in recovering their lives back. Reaching them can be in a number of ways. Like on here or real life support groups (Paula's course) or other organisations like SLAA. Or online at sites like rebootnation.org or yourbrainonporn.com (ybop). The forums here are not well frequented but other sites do have more regular activity and resources to help you learn about this addiction and tools for breaking it down.
    Your background sounds tough and distressing. Even to think about some of the things you've gone through is difficult. I wish you every success in your counselling and hope you can use it to make some positive change in your life that you want and can keep learning more about yourself and growing.
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  15. 10 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Advice and help
    Im not sure on how these things work but i have been advised that this site might be able to help me.  I have never done anything like this before ie writing to people about my problem so its all new.  I am middle aged and had the chance to have 8 free counselling sessions for another reason than i am on here for but it all came out as my councellor drew it out of me in a very positive way.   Anyway i have had issues with sex since i was sexually assualted as a child, i had other problems as a child too with not much support from my parents for lots of reasons and all this led me to live a life relying on porn, protitutes, and anything else to do with sex. 
    I was just wondering if anyone else out there has had similar experiences to me?
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  16. Rob added a post in a topic My Husband, Does He Want To Change?   

    Hello,
    First of all I'm glad you found this place to reach out. There is a partners section too where you might be able to connect with other women in a similar situation. I'd also encourage you to look at the partners section over at rebootnation.org which has more visitors.
    I felt a lot of sadness and even bewilderment from you in what your husband's been doing. It's very important that you are OK first of all and can get the help and support you need. It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot of acting out behaviour from him which is damaging. I'm very sorry to hear all that.
    Your husband sounds to me like he is caught strongly within the grip of this addiction and gets drawn back in whenever he tries to stop. Barring sheer willpower or "white-knuckling it" what other methods has he tried to stop? Those approaches didn't really work at all for me. Instead, it has been a long process of education and learning about this addiction along with how it works so I can change myself. Also reaching out to people in real life reduces the feelings of isolation and shame that keeps people trapped. The roots of the problem tend to run quite deep. What most addicts actually want is not so much to stop but actually not to feel like they want or need it anymore. That is a deeper thing that needs hard work, as you say. Us addicts are also great at procrastination and avoiding dealing with ourselves unless we really have to. This feeds into the issue of motivation. For me personally, it took the sudden breakdown of my marriage and living apart for a considerable time to motivate change. As long as the status quo continues, the addict is not incentivised. So a key question is asking why he wants to stop? Hopefully to get his life back at some level.
    I think if your husband is serious about stopping then he can aim to put aside time regularly to work at it, improve his education about the damaging effects of porn and his behaviour and most of all understanding why - and also find people in real life for support. E.g. one of Paula's groups or a sex addiction group like SLAA.
    He has to be motivated to do that. Some guys are smart and nip it in the bud sooner. Others sadly wait too long for their partner to leave, move out, have an affair, divorce etc. Or generally make an even bigger mess. He needs to understand what's at stake really. Part of the problem with that is that when an addict is in the bubble, they are there because they are hiding from reality and don't want to confront these things. It's not a nice place to be. But he can deal with it and he can handle it.
    I don't think it should be up to you to police your husband's internet use - he's an adult. I can very much see how you would question his motivation to change. Ultimately, that has to come from him and you have to decide exactly what you can and cannot tolerate in the relationship.
    You sound like you do love him and care deeply for him very much. I do sense that you really want to find some way to help him and want him to be better. I really hope he can appreciate that and how lucky he is to have such support - there are a lot of strong feelings involved which aren't easy for everyone to deal with and other partners in your position I know from experience often will feel a lot of strong feelings like being very angry, hurt, betrayed, mistrustful etc. all for very valid reasons and they are tough things to deal with.
    Please take good care of yourself.
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  17. Ruthieroo added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    My Husband, Does He Want To Change?
    Hello,
    First of all, I want to say that I am touched by some of your posts, that you are reaching out and trying to deal with your addictions. It takes courage to do that. 
    Secondly, I would like some advice regarding my husband. He has always used pornography; he would go a few weeks without it and always return to it. Yesterday I caught him in the act. I have locked all the computers and my phone and the kids phones but he watched me unlock my phone and memorised the pattern. I have since changed it. 
    So we have a big row and he tells me that he has looked at pornography on my laptop, on our sons laptop, and on my phone - he has also watched the X rated channel adverts on TV to get stimulated. He has also had cyber sex with various people over the last few weeks. 
    I feel like he doesn't really want to change. He says he does. But surely he would do more about it? Because it seems to me that when it's easy, for example when I can't get at pornography, he doesn't do it and although he is tempted he can refrain for a while. But then he goes back to it. I have done my best to help him stop himself by locking everything as much as I can (sadly I have left my laptop open on some occasions as has my son) but we tried to help him by making it very difficult for him. 
    You guys have access to the internet and you are doing your best to stop, so why isn't my husband? Am I doing something wrong here? 
    I am not judging anyone, I was addicted to sugar (it sounds a bit lame but believe me it was a real addiction) and it was hard to get over it, I know it takes real work to overcome these things. I just want to understand my husband a bit better, to see if there is anything else I can do?
    Best wishes to you all,

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  18. Ruthieroo added a post in a topic Partner of a porn addict and my own painful history   

    Hey there, 
    It doesn't matter why you hate pornography, you are entitled to hate it. It's your choice. I find it saddens me so much, because I know I would have to be desperate to have sex with people for money, and I think many women in pornography are the same. It's had a horrible affect on my relationship too. 
    I want to tell you a little bit about my experiences as a young woman. I was molested at ten and at fifteen, my mother was abusive, my father died when I was small. There was a lot that went wrong in my life. But through counselling and through doing work on myself I now feel I have strength and fortitude. I still get hurt about things, but I know underneath I am a strong woman. And you are too, but you do have to come to that conclusion yourself. 
    I would recommend that you work on yourself, that you treat yourself kindly. Watch how you speak to yourself; if you find yourself talking negatively to yourself then turn that around. For instance, I sometimes find I call myself silly. When that happens, I then correct myself and I tell myself that I am an intelligent woman who has made a mistake like everyone else. Talking to yourself kindly is a great place to start. 
    I go to a site called psychologytoday.com and this has also really helped me to explore my emotions and feelings. 
    I hope that might help. 
    Take care, 
    R
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  19. Ruthieroo added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    I Just Need To Vent
    Hello,
    My husband is a porn addict. He seems to want to stop but he can't. I have passworded every device I can in our house and he still finds ways to do it. For instance I leave my mobile phone in the living room to charge, he doesn't know the pattern to unlock it. Well, he watched me, found out the pattern and I caught him last night, actually doing it, caught in the act. I'll spare you the details but I can assure you it wasn't pleasant. 
    I guess I don't know what to do. He is such an appalling role model for our sons. They know what their dad is like and they feel disgust for what he does. He says he wants to stop, but he will do anything to get his fix. He told me that if I leave my laptop open he will use it to look at pornography and have cyber sex with other people. He does the same if my son leaves his laptop open. He also looks at the X-rated TV channels, the adverts for the programmes coming up, he uses those to masturbate to. 
    I feel quite numb inside over this latest occurrence. I have known he looks and porn and does the cyber sex thing for years, but lately he has been trying really hard to beat it. He has had help through our religious organisation, so much help. But it isn't enough. I don't know what is enough........I don't know what else to do to help him. Should I get rid of the television so he can't use that? .,
    I have tried putting a watchdog thing on his computer, I really hated it, I hated being his policeman and seeing what he was looking at. I did that for a year but I didn't renew it, it didn't stop him anyway. I think probably he stopped for a few months. He probably used the television then. I don't know. 
    What I find frustrating is that he seems to think it is acceptable because he didn't pay for it. I tell him, those poor women are just lying there doing that so they get money to feed their families but he doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything except himself and his sexual needs. It's really sad. 
    I have read some of your comments about emotional attachment. He is similar to your husbands, he is not exactly cold, he will cuddle occasionally and he often asks me for a hug. But he doesn't see any need to take emotional care of me. I have friends who's husbands call them baby and really take care of them. But he isn't like that with me, it is me that has to take care of him. I feel constantly lonely and although I am a strong woman, it would be nice to just have a shoulder to lean on once in a while. 
    He doesn't like himself when he does it, and he is devastated when he gets caught. I wish he could have just come to me and said, I had a slip up, I'm sorry. I could have shown him some empathy then. But finding out about all the things he has done after, all the cyber sex, well, that is horrible. Horrible to think that something that should have been precious to us, our intimacy and our love life, is being shared on the internet with who knows who? 
    I try to persuade myself that he is probably cybering with men some of the time. I suspect that is true, but sometimes I expect it is women. 
    He tells me that he is attracted to me, and although he has erectile dysfunction, if he stops looking at pornography completely then function returns. We can have a reasonable sex life. But when it creeps back in, he starts to have more problems with sex. 
    I work part time from home, I have two boys who are on the autistic spectrum and I teach them, I have a busy enough life as it is without this going on too.
    Sometimes I wish I could just run away and find someone to just look after me for a little while. 
    Well, if you read this far, thanks for listening. 
    Best wishes on your journeys.
    R
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  20. workinprogress added a post in a topic Please Help Me   

    Well done, first of all, on recognising that you may have a problem. From my own personal experience, I remember that things had to get really low before I did, so hopefully you've reached your personal "rock bottom" and you're ready to try to get some control of the situation. Lots of self-help resources available, like Paula's site and like the your brain on porn website, which helps explain a lot of the science. Paula's "understanding and Treating Sex Addicition" book is a really useful read and there are loads of others out there to help you understand your issue and then get a grip of it. It may be a sensible first step to try to understand your situation before you try to change anything.
    If you're of a spiritual nature, a 12-step group might eventually be helpful, like Sex Addicts Anon, or Sexaholics Anon. They didn't work for me but they may for you. I used Group Therapy and one-to-one counselling with differing degrees of success. But maybe just start with trying to get an understanding of your own circumstances, and your own personal addiction cycle first?
    Good luck to you, my friend. You're not alone. There are so many of us who have been similarly messed-up, and we're all at different phases in our own, personal, journeys to recovery. It's tough. But you can get there if it matters enough to you.
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  21. Aaron_31 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Please Help Me
    My behavior has gotten so out of control the mother of my child can barely look at me after I betrayed her again and hurt her deeply.
    My actions keep hurting my best friend and I've already become single because of my behavior.

    I'm so lonely and scared, if I didn't have a daughter I am worried I'd hurt myself.

    I really can't live like this, the damage I am causing is too much and I can't keep hurting her

    Where can I get help ?
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  22. Rob added a post in a topic When its a problem?   

    I can connect a lot with what you say about feeling "dirty" or "seedy" - it certainly wasn't something I was proud of at all. Which I supposed is evidenced by the fact I never told anybody in all my adult life and desperately tried to keep it concealed (and then became very good at lying and covering up which was not really a skillset I wanted). I also thought I had a very high opinion of women, equality, treating them fairly etc. I prided myself on that yet my dirty "habit" ran counter to my public appearance. I am out of integrity and that doesn't make me feel too good about myself. Even when I do good things in my life.
    One thing I learned was that porn usage over a long time (decades) for me introduced a subtle brainwashing almost in myself. My attitudes to people and relationships (particularly with women) would become quite warped or even manipulative. Intimacy would be a big problem for me - I don't mean just sexual but emotionally and authentically because there would be this part of me I was trying to hide or even deny.
    I would also pass up the opportunity to get involved with more hobbies or people for instead staying in alone hunched over my PC for an evening. For many years. That's pretty sad when I look back now at myself. Just the self-enforced isolation and loneliness really.
    After recovery I started realising that what I thought was "hurting nobody" actually affected the time I put into relationships with friends and family. Then I was able to proactively go out and really make a positive difference in those, helping others and myself at the same time. I would blame others for not doing enough but it was actually just as much my fault too but I didn't want to see that or do anything about it. Why bother when porn is there to comfort me?
    Regarding your partner judging you, that's a difficult one. We all want to be accepted for who we are - good and bad. And the fear of rejection and abandonment is very real and painful. So we shy away. And when I would hit a hard problem in life I couldn't solve, guess what I'd do? Yes! Use some porn. Oh dear. Do you see where this is going?
    Think what the other side would look like: imagine you found a way to get porn out of your life, didn't miss it and was building a better life for yourself being totally honest and clean about who you are (good and bad). Imagine then that you could share your struggle and that challenge with your partner. Would she actually think more of you as someone who is courageous and standing up to take the risk to himself personally to do the right thing, even at high personal cost? Would you think of yourself like that, even if she didn't understand and left you? You would be your own hero. You would be a man of strong integrity. That is a powerful and attractive quality in any person. And you could also tell her honestly that she had been a big part of changing your view on it. It can in time become something bonding perhaps.
    That's a nice vision. But I would caution you because disclosing to a partner is a very tricky business as you are dropping a bomb on the relationship. Your fear is real. A lot of tough discussions will arise. It will rock the boat. There are books, advice and people like Paula who can help with that though if and when you feel the time comes. That is a very tough decision that is definitely worth thinking through a lot and only you can know the right answer, nobody can tell you that.
    Most important though I see for you is deciding for yourself if this present situation is OK for you or not. I guess part of you is uncomfortable or unsure because you are on here asking questions. I think Paula also has a questionnaire on here too to help answer.
     
     
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  23. Rob added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Hello,
    I'm glad it was useful for you.
    One of the hardest things I found personally was that I thought I was alone and the only person in the world who had this "dirty little secret"
    I cannot post links here (humiliatingly I am incapable of driving a smartphone) but please search on Google for "Terry Crews Dirty Little Secret" and you will see what I mean.
    But actually, there are quite a few guys out there who recognise this and the drag it has on their lives. So you are very much not alone.
    It's good that you are learning stuff like RUN. Putting that into practice is key. Yes, you need to act. Again the course goes into more detail about that as does Paula's book (plug). The book in fact gives a lot of structure and areas to think about with recovery. I think particularly in helping you understand why exactly you feel draw to porn and the root issues you face personally.
    When I first started out, I used to think there was some magic answer to it that was being held back from me. If only I knew or somebody told me what. But actually it has been about better understanding myself, self-honesty and going through all that learning process. It takes time and perseverance. It is also easy to suffer setbacks, feel despairing and then go back to old behaviour. (Which then makes you feel even worse about yourself etc.).
    Don't be hard on yourself when you slip. That doesn't help you. It doesn't mean it's OK though either. So it's about finding the balance and for me that is about learning and doing things differently. Often I see a lot of guys who are far harsher on themselves than they would be on anyone else. Why? Because deep down, I wouldn't like part of myself etc. 
    It's really positive that you can be honest if/when you do slip up. Because if you're not then it's very easy to slip back into the bigger mental problem of rationalising it to yourself that it's OK or "not a big deal" - it's your health and life so it is a big deal. Us porn addicts are master liars and concealers - not only to others but to ourselves. So the first part of coming clean is about being honest with yourself, which you are doing. So keep it up.
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  24. Tortoise added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Hello everyone. 
    Hello Rob, thanks so much for your advice and support. Rob, what can I say except:
    Thank you. 
    I'm a bit lost for words at this moment. 

    (several minutes later)
    You make some excellent points that I will think over and process, it's great advice and so simple when one hears it said by someone else; but I've been in the eye of the storm of my own self-loathing for so long that I had trouble accepting and realising the wisdom of what you'd said. Please excuse me if I don't answer specifically each point you've  made, but know that I have read and will re-read your post carefully and follow all your advice.
    I have a lot of work that this addiction is taking time away from, I am job-huntiong and studying for a degree at the moment, so that itself is a source of motivation to spend my time more wisely.
     Since posting on Tuesday I had a slip, I looked at P and acted out (BTW for me that only ever means masturbation),  so I really feel in danger at the moment of falling behind of the small amount of mental progress I feel I have already made.
    The over-ridng feeling I've had for the last 24 hours is that I've seen all the images I'll ever want to see, I'm sick of novelty, I'm sick of the drudgery of going through the motions of being a slave to the addiction, of being on the merry go round. It feels like the desire to stop is strong, and the excitement gained by P has waned, all that's left is the seeking of an escape from my day- to day-responsibilities.  I know i'm in the regret phase, and I don't want to move to the phase where I prepare and  to act again. 
    Despite knowing that, this morning before I came to this forum and read your reply I had another slip in the sense that I wasted 2 hours looking at and collecting images. However I just wasn't turned on. Despite the fact that I kept looking I didn't get an erection, despite trying to (I hope that was not too much info. I am aware of the rule about describing acting out behaviours. Please anyone, feel free to say If I describe too much. Still new to this). Anyway, I stopped, didn't masturbate and deleted the imagery.
    Despite what you say Rob, it's hard not to feel like I failed in the sense that I looked at P, but I will try and take heart from what you say, I definitely need to read all the support material and research on this whole sexual addiction issue, and reread the kickstart PDF and do it's exercises again, so that I can hopefully come to know such insights as truth to me.
     The more down this recovery journey I go the the better I'm getting at listening to my instincts and motives. I can see better than ever what I stand to lose by letting this addiction win and contrasting it with what I stand to gain my truly becoming free of it.  I know I'm still in danger, but maybe one could say I've learnt something from this particular latest mistake: To not just listen to my instincts, but act on them, use the strategies, R.U.N. for example.

    Anyway, I should go and concentrate on my other tasks and positive work right now, but thanks again. Really, thanks. I can't tell you how positive it feels to finally be conversing with people who understand and who are going through / have been though similar experiences. You know what? I do feel a bit excited about the future!

    I will keep posting.

    As you say, peace. 
     
     
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  25. jenks2026 added a post in a topic When its a problem?   

    Yeah that's a great answer.
    I don't need to see extreme stuff,  My issue is my partner is completely anti porn, she'd go crazy if she knew. So I don't know if I have a healthy attitude to it, and she's just made me change my perception on what is healthy and what is a problem because of her reaction or if I have a problem and I'm in denial about it.
    I feel dirty because I have to keep it secret, and that doesn't make me feel excited but more seedy so I'm all at sea whether I'm ok or it's something I need to start looking at more closely. It doesn't affect my life day to day so it's not that a big of a problem but I will read the resources you suggested anyway.
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