Activity Stream

Activity Stream

  1. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    Understanding Partners Needs & Rebuilding Trust

    Sex and porn addiction can devastate partners and many people struggle to know how to support their partners whilst continuing on their own recovery journey. This day focuses on understanding partner’s needs, improving communication and developing the essential requirements for rebuilding trust.
     
    The day has been specifically designed for people with addiction who are already in recovery and want additional insight and resources to rebuild their relationship. The workshop will help attendees to:-
     
    Understand the emotional impact on partnersUnderstand how disclosure affects partner’s responseDemonstrate empathy for partners feelingsManage their own internal emotional responses to partnersDemonstrate empathy and compassionImprove accountabilityDevelop better communication skillsResolve and reduce conflictUnderstand the essentials for rebuilding trust 
    The day will run from 10.00 am to 4.30 pm with lunch and refreshments provided.
    Places are limited, so if you would like to join us.
    NB – confidentiality is of paramount importance to the practice and hence attendees will only be required to give their first names on the day and no other personal details will be shared.  
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  2. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    Understanding Partners Needs & Rebuilding Trust

    Sex and porn addiction can devastate partners and many people struggle to know how to support their partners whilst continuing on their own recovery journey. This day focuses on understanding partner’s needs, improving communication and developing the essential requirements for rebuilding trust.
     
    The day has been specifically designed for people with addiction who are already in recovery and want additional insight and resources to rebuild their relationship. The workshop will help attendees to:-
     
    Understand the emotional impact on partnersUnderstand how disclosure affects partner’s responseDemonstrate empathy for partners feelingsManage their own internal emotional responses to partnersDemonstrate empathy and compassionImprove accountabilityDevelop better communication skillsResolve and reduce conflictUnderstand the essentials for rebuilding trust 
    The day will run from 10.00 am to 4.30 pm with lunch and refreshments provided.
    Places are limited, so if you would like to join us.
    NB – confidentiality is of paramount importance to the practice and hence attendees will only be required to give their first names on the day and no other personal details will be shared.  
    • 0 comments
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  3. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    Understanding Partners Needs & Rebuilding Trust

    Sex and porn addiction can devastate partners and many people struggle to know how to support their partners whilst continuing on their own recovery journey. This day focuses on understanding partner’s needs, improving communication and developing the essential requirements for rebuilding trust.
     
    The day has been specifically designed for people with addiction who are already in recovery and want additional insight and resources to rebuild their relationship. The workshop will help attendees to:-
     
    Understand the emotional impact on partnersUnderstand how disclosure affects partner’s responseDemonstrate empathy for partners feelingsManage their own internal emotional responses to partnersDemonstrate empathy and compassionImprove accountabilityDevelop better communication skillsResolve and reduce conflictUnderstand the essentials for rebuilding trust 
    The day will run from 10.00 am to 4.30 pm with lunch and refreshments provided.
    Places are limited, so if you would like to join us.
    NB – confidentiality is of paramount importance to the practice and hence attendees will only be required to give their first names on the day and no other personal details will be shared.  
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  4. GMTherapist added a post in a topic Starting to learn the truth   

    Hello Clare
    I am a counsellor and one of Paula Hall's Associates
    I can feel that this is an extremely distressing and difficult time for you and your husband right now. It seems from what you write here that you are being as supportive as you can be, whilst trying to facilitate your husbands facing up to his problems and taking responsibility for seeking help and aiming for recovery. 
    It does indeed sound like sex addiction and trying to get him to go regularly to a group programme will hopefully get him on the road to working through his recovery.  12 step groups like SAA or SLAA can be very helpful. Or trying to encourage him to attend an intensive programme, like the kind that Paula runs (or other similar providers) 
    You mention some underlying difficulties that your husband has from a troubled past. I tend to agree with your view that they may have led to his addictions. Seeking some one to one Counselling could help him work through these. 
    I feel that you need some support for yourself to help you get through the pain of the impact his addictions are having on you. There is a 12 step group called COSA or other partner programmes. There are some very helpful books for partners such as Paula's or Stephanie Carnes called "Mending a shattered heart"
    Taking care of yourself is really important at times like these. 
    Good luck. 
    Geraldine
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  5. Clare41 added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Starting to learn the truth
    I have been married for 15 years. I lived with a husband who drank everyday (he is now seeking help with AA groups for this) and watched porn a lot and encouraged me to watch it (it bored me after a while the novelty wore off). Last march whilst tracking down my password for an auction site I discovered through his email a long succession of sex site contacts from mostly men with whom he had been communicating. On finding out I challenged him as quickly as possible (he reached out to his alcohol to deal with the exposure) he was in denial and downplayed his actions. What I have found out through interrogation (no other way to describe it) was he had placed an additional asking for cyber sex and received lots of contacts, more disturbing was he was exchanging naked photos of himself. This had mostly gone on whilst I was at my evening job and had spanned for approximately one month (this was as far back as the emails stretched).
    He sought help with his drinking as he said this was part of the problem after blaming me and the children for making him feel lonely, he blamed the slaughter house where he works but he also confessed he had problems talking to people, hated the world, hated himself, the way he looked etc. I struggled to understand but took him through the alcohol removal programme with the help of hospital support, went to a lot of AA meetings with him but felt there was something else more deeply wrong but couldn't put a name to it. We had a previous healthy and adventurous sex life between us to struggling to have anything. I had no trust in him but tried not to check up on him as it made me more anxious.  Fast forward to almost a week ago to find yet again in the same circumstances that he was seeking sexual cyber contacts. Same denial, that it was just friendship but had escalated, etc then he relapsed with the alcohol again. Difference this time - I checked out sex addiction and finally I had a name for this feeling that he was holding back all these years. The reasons and causes for it to trigger in some people is shocking but his sexual abuse history (he was sexually assaulted at 13), losing his dad at 6 and having an emotionally detached mother fed the problem.
    As soon as I found out, I told him in no uncertain terms what he was - a sex addict and his world crumbled - hence the relapse into secret drinking. I told him to go to a sex addict anonymous meeting, which he did (at that point I could track his phone before I removed the app) but he drove back over the limit with alcohol. I refused to share the bed, refused to accept any part of blame for his addictions (both alcohol and sex), he has slept downstairs for a few days until I had enough as he seemed lacking in acceptance and made him go to his mum's (which I thought would help).
    After being in contact with his mum, I realised that she was struggling to help and couldn't cope with his problems (he had spent all night out to avoid her whilst there) so I have him home with me knowing he is ill and sick in his addictions but thinking may be this place is better start to his healing or am I kidding myself again? All I can say is only he can help himself, he has agreed to go to meetings, talk to the fellowship on the phone each night (I hear him do this) and pray for his soul but hold no responsibility and letting go of this is the healthiest way. When and if he relapses again then he needs to find a room so I don't see or hear it. I hope there is salvation but it is what it is. Hugs and kisses to you all who have read x
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  6. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic New here   

    Hi Caron- you've made the first step by talking here so well done. I think religion can sometimes get in the way of helping people with these problems as they usually associate a lot of guilt with sexual activity of any kind, so I'd say first try to keep religion and arousal separate in your mind. Next I suggest talking to your GP about this- hopefully he'll forward you to someone who can help. The main advice I've been given is to try to enjoy other things than porn, and to distract myself from that content with other enjoyment. Don't forget, though, sexual urges are natural and not to be ashamed of per se. Let us know how you get on.
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  7. Peter added a post in a topic Porn   

    Hi Ian,
    Firstly well done for making that first step of recognising the problem and now beginning the path of recovery.
    From my own similar life long issues, I would encourage you to persevere and not be too hard on yourself. Our brains seem to have been messed with  
    along the way (I was abused aged 13...) and breaking free is a process.
    Take care!
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  8. Caron added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    New here
    I am a Christian with a physical disability, I'm single and never had sex. I am unable to get out on my own. I am ashamed of myself I keep repenting but keep falling into the same trap of looking at sexual content on the internet, being aroused and masturbating, Then I feel really guilty. I think the main reason I do this is for comfort. Unable to talk to anyone about this. 
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  9. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    Hi PJ, thanks for responding. I kept going for a couple of months but I felt patronised by the insistance of having a religious angle and how addictions were described as a 'disease'. I stopped because I was looking for genuine help and noone seemed particularly bothered about giving that. I'd love to set up my own group but I've no idea how I'd go about that.
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  10. PJ added a post in a topic I am a Christian, cant seem to get free from the porn, I keep getting drawn back to it again   

    Hi Matt - you aren't alone.  There are many Christians who struggle with the same issue.  I would encourage you first of all to read up on porn addiction, and Paula's new book is an excellent place to start.  Secondly to get some help - either find a counsellor who specialises in sex addiction (Paula might be able to recommend one) or try an 12 step group.  Thirdly, confide in someone you trust.  Let us know how you get on.
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  11. PJ added a post in a topic Triggers   

    Hi Hangingthere - keep talking.  You sound like you feel trapped and have no options.  Let us know how things are going.
     
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  12. PJ added a post in a topic Where to go from here??   

    Broken - that sounds tough.  How are things going now?  
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  13. PJ added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    Hi Pat - I go to an SAA meeting on a regular basis.  All 12 step meetings have a 'divine' basis.  Mine starts and begins with the serenity prayer.  And like the ones you have been to, we aren't allowed to offer advice during the session although it is fine outside the session.  The guys who are particularly hot about this feel it is less safe when this value isn't respected and over time I have come to appreciate their strictness on this.  I would encourage you to keep going for some weeks, perhaps even months and see how it feels when you have got used to it.  It took me some while.
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  14. Mattmcf777 added a post in a topic Addicted to Porn and Webcams   

    I am ashamed of the fact that I blew all my inheritance on porn and webcams - about 12,000 altogether...like you I really struggle and got myself into debt because of this habit of porn and masturbation, now I am married and it nearly cost me my marriage, my wife has forgiven me numerous times, I am thankful for this but I feel like a real jerk, I feel like It is taking her for granted, I don't mean to, to be honest I don't even think of her when I look at porn I just get sucked in to the fantasy, I say I'm not going to go there but then I seem to end up back in the same place again, full of gilt and shame, I do love my wife but I still feel the compulsion to look at porn, I know that is not loving her and I want to stop but I cannot seem to break out of this pattern of behaviour. To make matters worse I am a Christian and I know better, I feel more guilt and shame because I know this is not pleasing to God and it's not fair on my wife
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  15. Mattmcf777 added a post in a topic I am a Christian, cant seem to get free from the porn, I keep getting drawn back to it again   

    Mattmcf777...I am trying to find out if there is a support group in my local area...I live in kent...I wonder if anyone knows of anything in that area
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  16. Mattmcf777 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    I am a Christian, cant seem to get free from the porn, I keep getting drawn back to it again
    I am a Christian, I feel I have failed God many times because of a fascination with pornography which I can't seem to shake off, it usually ends in masturbation and loads of shame. At times I have despaired of myself because just when I think I've managed to kick the habit I go back to it again.
     
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  17. Justin Marsh added a post in a topic Porn Blocker - Linux computer - Help!   

    Thanks Rob, much appreciated! Sorry, just thought I'd check the forum and found you'd replied!!!
     
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  18. Ian added a post in a topic Porn   

    Hi thanks you so much for taking the time and trouble to reply.
    I can't face up to telling my wife about this at the moment, but maybe in time.
    I have worked very hard at keeping myself busy at the times I would normally resort to viewing porn, so far so good. And on  day one destroyed all I had. No files or any thing left at all. I have not found this at all easy but taking the first steps has made me feel better about myself. 
    Thank you once again and good luck to your self.
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  19. Hanginginthere added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Triggers
    I'm currently reading Paula Hall's book 'Sex Addiction: The partners perspective' and when reading about triggers I could not see/feel any that I identified with. Until last night. 
    My husband had gone to see his dad in Dorset on Saturday, returning home on Sunday. He took our youngest child with him, leaving me with 2 at home (and the dog). I enjoyed my time alone with the kids, felt calm, slept well and had fun. 
    When he came home, I could see and feel a change in my behaviour. I had no patience or tolerance towards the kids, the dog constantly annoyed  me. I felt the need to talk about my feelings and where the kids had gone to bed my husband and I talked. It brings to the forefront again how I am still feeling in shock & trying to come to terms with his porn addiction. 
    Anyway, when we went to bed I started thinking about what I had read yesterday. And the excercizes in the book about thinking back on childhood experiences etc. I started feeling really tearful and sad. We talked a bit, he wanted a hug and I didn't. In fact I wanted him as far away as possible, back in Dorset if possible! I left the room for a bit, started feeling calmer. Returned to my bed, started feeling anxious again. And then I think I had a mild panick attack, as I realised HE is my trigger! I couldn't help but sob and tell him, I think YOU are my trigger. How do I avoid that? I'm the one who works, he looks after our kids. I can't leave, neither can he .....
    he offered to sleep elsewhere in the house, that has made me feel better. Still it's 4am and I'm awake, unable to sleep. Thinking constantly about everything, analysing everything. 
    What do I do, when HE is my trigger? How is this going to work?? 
    Feeling exhausted, alone and so confused. 
     
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  20. Hanginginthere added a post in a topic Where to go from here??   

    I am in a similar situation to you. Get this book, it helps & contact Paula Hall for a consultation & your husband needs to get help too! If he is motivated to stop? Mine is. 
    Book: sex addiction, the partners perspective by Paula Hall. 
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  21. Hanginginthere added a post in a topic Porn   

    You have made the first step & identified te problem. You now need to follow this through and get the professional help and I think your wife should know too. But I'm  not an expert, I've only just recently found out myself that my husband is addicted to porn. Finding out the hard way has been really shitty but we are working on it with the help of professionals & so I'm hanging on in there for now. 
    Start sorting this problem now!! Don't wait and follow what the specialist sex addiction professional advices (get a blocker on your internet & get rid of all your folders, browsers, memory sticks etc etc) throw it all away & start your recovery, it will be a life style change you need to make forever. 
    Good luck
     
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  22. Broken added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Where to go from here??
    I am brand new to the realisation that my husband is a porn addict. I didn't even realise this was an addiction. I first found out he used porn about 13 years ago. He said it would stop. Over the years there have been at least two more confrontations, I guess haven't taken it seriously enough to look into it properly until last night. 
    I confronted my husband, stated that this has been going on for at least the 14 years we've been together & he didn't even deny it, didn't say he was sorry, just that he didn't know what to say.
    Rightly or wrongly I have told him he needs to go and see someone, this is his very last chance or our marriage is over.
    We have two children (13&10), I have banned him from our bed, preferably I would like him to move out! Which means our children and the hole community will know we're having problems...not something I really want to happen! 
    I suffer from depression/anxiety, my husband has never really understood/supported me and I feel we have no emotional connection. 
    Where do I go from here??? I need help!!
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  23. Hannah added a post in a topic Partner of a porn addict and my own painful history   

    Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to do so  
    To my knowledge, my partner didn't watch violent porn, but he certainly developed a compulsion to use porn to the exclusion of our sex life. People would consider it strange that a couple didn't have sex for years but that's what really happened. It was a gradual process that happened over time, years not months. Initially I thought his internet porn use was just from the novelty and curiosity of being able to access it online for the first time but it became a regular habit very quickly and had an almost immediate effect on our sexual relationship, although it was subtle at first. What killed it off was his perennial loss of interest in having sex with me. 
    I actually believe that the roots of his porn addiction go further back Without going into too much detail, he was primed for it to happen as soon as he had access to an unlimited supply. 
    I sought counselling for myself as well as a course of CBT on the NHS, but it's really difficult because my recovery encompasses so many aspects. There's ageing, poor body image, low self esteem, loss of identity, a collapse in the trust I had for my partner - especially when I discovered how easily he could lie about it, loss of the ability to communicate openly with each other and the shame of being rejected for porn. 
    Something else I want to say about porn: The normalisation of porn makes it very difficult for women to speak out about their partner's  porn use.  The most common reaction is "all men watch porn" and the reaction is either to get over it and don't be a prude, or alternatively or that we should pornifying ourselves to please our men, or watching it with him.  It's almost always about accommodating what the man wants.  But what about the man accommodating what the woman wants?  I didn't one porn as the third-party in my relationship, because that's effectively what it was,  but my husband didn't respect that. 
    My objection to porn isn't necessarily on moral grounds, although I find the extent of objectification of women in modern-day porn absolutely abhorrent. Nor is my objection of porn because of my what happened in the past. It's because of the very negative impact of porn on my relationship. 
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  24. Ian added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Porn
    Hi. 
    I have just read about porn and sex addiction and think I need some help in dealing with mine.
    I am now 50 and have been using porn for the obvious since the age of about 14. Over the year's this has increased to a two or three time a day every day habit. Spending so long on line.trying to satisfy my urge. I have spent a lot of money in the past calling sex lines on  cam sites which are very expensive  and can be so addictive. I am pleased to say that  I managed to stop this with out help before I got married
     
    I  have been married  for 5 years and love my wife,   but I would choose to spend hours on line looking at porn and  pleasure my self rather than make love to my wife. This makes me feel so bad. My wife always enjoys sex and it is great most of the time but due to my habit has caused my erection to be unreliable at times.  this is why i must do somethng about it before i loose her. She doesn't know about my habit but I fear that she will catch me in an embarrassing position one day. 
    I now think it is time for me to quit this all absorbing habit that gives brief satisfaction but such a lot of guilt, before I loose my wife.
    This has been quite an  embarrassing  thing for me to write  and face up to, and admit.
    Any advice please
    • 6 replies
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  25. Emotionally Drained added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Lack of Understanding
    I found out 2.5 years ago that my husband of nearly 27 years had a sex addiction, I had kind of guessed something was not right but after years of trying to confront and ask questions it became easier to deny and carry on best I could.  When I discovered the truth my world fell apart, so what next I thought, funny it was relief initially I knew I had been right but what about us, the truth being there hadn't been an us for many years.  He started a 12 step program and has now been over 2 years in "recovery" but that is where my problem has really started...... he lacks total understanding for the stress and pain he has caused me and our sons.  He talks the talk but in reality he is not doing his daily suggestions and seems detached from all reality of normal life.  I feel confused by the steps and how he says he is no longer doing what he did yet he cannot live a life without problems.  He gets stressed, sleeps days away and then blames me for not planning things in his outer circles.  I work full time and he seems to be unaware of the real life responsibilities around him.  We tried couple counselling, which I was happy he agreed to as I had reached my breaking point with the pain I was feeling.  He chose the counsellor - an ex addict recommended to him, that was not helpful like a post I read earlier the blame became about me and things he fabricated in his own mind, past events and I came away feeling like the person who had done everything wrong.  I was wondering if others had found once their partners had completed the steps if they really changed or is life living with a recovering sex addict a journey of pain and roller coaster of emotions.  I love him dearly but am now feeling so tired of the hurt and not knowing whether he is carrying a resentment for something he thinks I should have said or done and needs to speak to his sponsor before he can clear the air or tell me what I need to do.  I have grown as a person and continue to do so and feel that that growth is pushing us apart and I feel sad that I am unsure if I have felt real love and connection to the man I have spent all my life with.    I am now independent of my own life goals and am a stronger more resilient person but equally I want a partner who loves me for me and not somebody who seems to get confused by his own thoughts and knows how to stay sober.  The last resort for me was this weekend when he had been moody, I challenged, he said he had resentments towards me and his sponsor suggested we needed a meeting to discuss them - " a meeting?!" - furthermore if I didnt he runs the risk of spiraling out of control.... I do not buy into any of that stuff now but equally I feel angered that he can still say things like that and think it is ok?  Any help, reflections or similar experiences would be welcome.  
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