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  1. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Porn addiction   

    Hi Craig,
    I'm so sorry to hear that porn has broken down your marriage -regrettably I hear many stories like this.  As I'm sure you know by  now, pornography can become an addiction and then it's often hard to stop through will power alone.  I would suggest that you need to get some professional help as soon as possible, and maybe, just maybe your wife will realise that you are serious this time.  In the meantime, do put porn blockers on all your devices and if you've not already done so, have a look at my self help resource at  It may be too late for your marriage, but it's not too late for you.
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  2. marshall added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire, 
    Sorry to hear that. My husband was also addicted to sex a few years back. It was about to ruin our relationship. I was thinking about having a divorce. Then, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a sex addiction treatment in Bellwood. The treatment over there was really effective and he is completely out of addiction now.
    So, don't lose hope. There are several solutions available. You have mentioned that marriage counseling was not successful. Therefore, you can try taking him to an addiction treatment as I did.
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  3. Ian Baker added a post in a topic How to make a distinction   

    Hi Bee81
    thank you for sharing. There are many paths in all of this, be it self help books that help highlight what someone goes through and then whether support can be with friends, family. Or support groups and or ones own therapy to help overcome the impact of this on you . On this website there are also many self help resources. 
    The groups we run for partners is specifically designed  to  help with many of the above subjects you raise. being with others and hearing one is not alone, can itself be one of the most powerful gifts from a group. There is also something for you of not knowing your partner in recovery and how the relationship can/will heal and repair and for trust and forgiveness. This is also a topic covered in "sex addiction: the partners perspective" and in the group.
    take care
    Ian, Paula Hall Associate. 
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  4. samee247 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Porn addiction - Help
    I would like some help and advise. I am addicted to porn and im ashamed of it. I have tried many times to stop but failed misrably. It started when I was 12 with magazines now its developed into a full blown websites. I sneakly look at it, i look for ways to look at it, even when im with my familiy. Im 34 now and i know i need to stop but I keep relapsing. Ive tried finding religion, hobbies but i see something then I need to look at it.
    My marrige is on the verge of falling apart because of this. I am very happy with her but i cant stop this addiction. I feel remorse when i get caught, promise i'll stop then a few weeks later im back at it. i look in the mirror i dont like what i see. I wish there was a way i can just stop.
    • 2 replies
  5. bee81 added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    How to make a distinction
    I am sorry in advance for a long post. I am sorting through my emotions and trying to understand it all.
    I recently discovered that my husband of 14 years has been sleeping around with hookers and having casual sex with girls through dating sites for at least the past 4 years or so. The numbers of sex partners are staggering and the money spent on his activities are in thousands. I knew about his porn problem in first few years of our marriage. We fought about it a lot and some times he would say sorry other times he said its not a big deal and guys like to do it  and its not cheating etc. Over time I became sick of hearing his sorries and truly starting believing that he has no desire to stop and may be it is not a big deal after all. I kind of gave in to the idea that perhaps all guys like to watch porn and as long as it is just porn we should be ok. I knew such behaviors often accelerate but I was in classic denial of "not him, not us". 
    Anyways fast forward to present, we have a lovely 2 year old son together and these past two years I though was bringing so much joy in our lives. certainly bringing two of us together. I would watch my husband play with our son and think blissfully about "my boys". Little did I know appearances can be deceptive. When I first found out he was in a hotel room with some girl, he completely broke down and apologized and begged me not to leave him. He said it was this dating app that he recently started using and this was his first and only physical encounter. I was shocked and hurt and so miserable. I went through so much pain and balled my eyes out infront of him and he hugged me and said he is so sorry that he caused this pain. I asked is there more that you are not telling me to that he said No, thats all the truth. I believed him. I was crippled with pain but forced myself to move forward and life was getting normal. Four months later, I found a phone in his backpack with recent msg to escorts asking to meet immediately. Some msg indicated as he was a regular with them. I can't even describe how it felt. I started shaking, feeling very cold unable to stand on my feet. I was angry at him that anger I didn't feel before, I wanted to rip him apart. The worst thing was we were out in the public with our son when I found that phone. I couldn't say or do anything. He had the couple of hours to come up with a story and he did. He said he just msg them. Never been with an escort before. He though nothing is going to happen. It was just curiosity blah blah blah. But this time I was not buying it. I dig deep, out of sheer luck found a undelete voice mail from two years back. Asked about it he lied. In the morning I was ready to call the number then he partially confessed to seeing a hooker once few years ago and didn't like it. Dating with many girls and sleeping with three. Long story short in coming days I would find out that it was no where near to the reality. I looked at our financial records which go only few years back and there are countless transaction and money withdrawals. I looked at his location history and found hotels he visited, massage  places and what not. And that just what I was able to found out. He was furious when I told him that there is all this I found out and he said why can't I just leave it alone. He said it does not help to dig the past and no reason for me to know how many sex partners he had. Now the situation is I know what I was able to dig out and he reluctantly confessed to what I know. He says thats all the truth but haven't I heard it before. I can not trust a single word out of his mouth now and certainly no way of knowing otherwise that how long it had all been going on. But I guess I am done finding out. The truth up to this point is pretty awful and I can't wrap my head around how can some one do that. He continue to cheat on me when I was pregnant and even after the birth of our son he would rather spend money and time on other things than to come home on time and try help me in that transitional phase of my life. I always got "too busy and stressed out at work" husband who sometimes have to even go to work on weekend. He also gave me hard time about spending money as well. I wanted to use chemicals free diapers for my son and got a mail order subscription and it was bit costly than regular supermarket ones and he had an issue with that so I cancelled it. Now I see he would give 300 to 500 dollars to escorts on regular  bases just for an hour of his pleasure seems so unfair and selfish. 
    He did go to a therapist but didn't finish his program with him. The therapist diagnosed him as a sex addict and also thinks that he is depressed and need meds. My husband didn't like the therapist and said he will look for another but haven't done so yet. He also says that it was about sex with different girls and nothing more. He lied to the girls he dated and would just want to take them to bed. The money part he said was he convinced himself that this is what it all cost so he allowed himself. He said he would feel guilty about sex afterwards but my feeling is that guilt part faded away as well after first few. He also said he enjoyed the experience. He maintains that the reason  for not telling me the whole truth is that he cared for me, didn't want to hurt me and was embarrassed himself. 
    Now the situation is I really don't know what to believe. He never felt guilty enough to stop or come clean and confess and seek help. I had to dig for the extent of his problems. His reaction to my discovery is totally shocking as well because every time I bring up the subject he got mad and tried to either down play the situation or tell me he can't do it any more. He said if we are deciding to stay together then I have o get over it and not move in circles. He has given me access to all his accounts and passwords. Enable location services on his phone and taking small steps to make situation better. I appreciate it but the conflict that I am facing is that I feel he does not feel that his past behavior was troubling. He agrees that it is sex addiction but I feel he uses it as an excuse and not something that actually need work. I feel ashamed of thinking that way but I don't know what else to think. How can someone enjoys a behavior, had no intuition of stopping on their own and say it was an addiction? What do you make of this situation? How can I change the way of thinking negatively about his intentions?
    Thank you for reading this all. I really have no one else to talk to.
    • 3 replies
  6. Vix added a post in a topic Absolutely broken hearted   

    I feel your pain. I was due to get married to the man of my dreams 4 weeks ago, however just after xmas I stumbled across a imessage whist borrowing his laptop, flirtation with another women. He said it was nothing, made excuses which I wanted to believe but my suspicion had been aroused. New Year's Day I decided to do a bit more digging. Went through his saved passwords and discovered sign ins to various elicit and marital dating websites, my world fell apart around me. Needless to say we didn't get married, but currently we are still together. Like your OH mine has been married before and never been faithful, his acting out is through porn, multiple affairs and I know of at least one occasion of prostitution. He is seeking help with a specialist therapist, and I have my own counsellor and her support is invaluable. I know how you are feeling. I am angry, scared and heartbroken all at the same time. I have so many unanswered questions. But if I can give you one piece of advice it is to focus on you. Do want you feel is right, don't be minipulated by others opinions or suggestions whilst they think they are being helpful, they really don't know what you are going through or what you feeling. I learnt the hard way to be careful who to confide in as ppl do not understand this and can be cruel. 
    The road ahead of you is not going to be easy so take your time navigating it. Be strong, they'll be good days and bad days and whilst the pain doesn't go away it does become a little easier manage if you make sure that you look after yourself first.
    take care x
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  7. Craig added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Porn addiction
    good evening all.
    well I would like to put on here to see if anyone could help me.  
    I started watching online porn when I was probably about 16 I'm now 32. I'm currently married but going through a divorce at the moment because I watched porn rather than having sex with my wife. 
    I did this a lot of times and every time she found out I said no I haven't watched it or anything as I was embarrassed.
    I just need some help on how to stop watching porn.
    I also find it hard and embarrassing to talk about sensitive stuff when we have a discussion about things I find it hard to talk and tell her how I feel, my communication has always been really bad. 
    I always have been in the past but I'm not very affectionate I don't know if that's anything to do with my parents as they were never affectionate towards each other and I always thought that was the way. 
    Like I say I love my wife very much and I want to stop this divorce going through. 
    I'm also moving out of the home and moving in with other people to sort out to see what we want.
    I just need help on stopping watching porn and be more affectionate and able to communicate easily with the sensitive stuff with my wife 
    • 2 replies
  8. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Absolutely broken hearted   

    Hi there
    here's a list of what a partner can be experiencing and its not limited to this:
    Common Feelings experienced by a partner of a sex addict associated with the trauma of discovery;

    Anger Sadness

     Fear Shock

     Sense of failure
    it can feel like falling and with no end. memories are threaded and its hard to know where the truth begins ends or exists. There is support through recovery groups we run here, individual counselling, couple work too and individual support for you . What I would avoid is any therapist not trained in sex addiction. As much as I might say that, I've heard too many partners have the whole story dumped on them and they are even more traumatized. Have the acting out behaviours treated as an affair, even ultimatums presented by couples therapists to make a decision to keep the partner. There is so much work to be done and care for these choices to be made and the recovery groups for  partners can really help explore the many things going on that is beyond relationship counseling
    Kind regards
    Ian PHA
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  9. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Help   

    Hi Gary. whatever you do with the wonderful support shared may I add that recovery is not abstinence. The work on self in key and central to support and prevent returning to unwanted out of control habits. Block what you wish to stop, find your relationship to what it is you want to return to. find what is exciting, edging, the zone, the need. and then work on what is going on , see a group, therapist, 12 step, self care. all paths can work out how to overcome what the addictive behaviours  are anaesthetising. stay  honest and look after yourself, watch when tired or angry or lonely or bored. 
    Ian Paula Hall Associate
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  10. Ian Baker added a post in a topic I'm Paranoid   

    Hi Ben
    in Paula Halls book there is an exercise, the two circle exercise. it helps people to reflect on what is out of control and what is OK, not OK and iffy. this brings in a focus to what it is someone, is wishing to recover from.  But it can cause lots of anxiety. Talking it through in therapy can be helpful. lessen the angst and get more clarification. 
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  11. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Sex or Love Addiction   

    Hi Yasisboet
    compassion empathy sympathy ..can have many meanings to different people, especially where they may be in their life. 
    For  me, compassion is being with and feeling of another's grief, sorrow, upset, misfortune and/or suffering. 
    but I would also add, we can also be compassionate to our selves and what we have experienced. One way of being with this is journalling experiences and reflecting on the content and feelings in that moment
    Hope this helps you
    Ian, Paul Hall Associate
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  12. Peter Watts added a post in a topic I'm Paranoid   

    Hello Ben,
    According to UK law, sexual content of people under the age of 18 is illegal. I believe this can include content where an individual is made to appear under age, or animation giving the same impression, though I may be wrong on this. If you want further information on the law then you should take a look at these pages:
    Prohibited Images of Children (UK Government official site): Pornography (UK Government official site): factsheet, which is not legal advice but may be helpful: you stay within these guidelines then, legally, you have little to worry about. Alternatively (or even additionally), you may want to see someone to help you address your anxieties, OCD and pornography use.
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  13. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic Porn   

    I got therapy by going to a different GP than my usual one. My first GP just said "try and stop, there are no services out there." That turned out to be bollocks. I went to a different GP and he forwarded me to psychotherapy. I was on a waitlist for 7 months but the sessions I eventually had started to help. I wish that I'd got help earlier and that I'd started to make the progress earlier. Try SLAA if you want but they'll just shove religion down your throat and disregard any scientific info.
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  14. PJ added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    Hi workinprogress - in my group we don't absolve ourselves by blaming a Higher Power.  Groups vary enormously, it could have been a quirk of your particular group?
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  15. Moose added a post in a topic Porn   

    I've had a problem with porn for years. I'm in my 50s and it's not getting any better. I'm worried where it's all going. Does anyone know if I can get some therapy or hypnosis to get me off this stuff. I've deleted my collection many times but it's like a drug that won't leave me alone.
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  16. Royston added a post in a topic Looking for help in my area   

    I will yes, thank you
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  17. sophie added a post in a topic Looking for help in my area   

    Hi Royston,
    Would you mind contacting our Practice Manager, Jane Plant, please as we may be able to help.
    You can either contact her via telephone 02079657302 or email her
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  18. Royston added a post in a topic Looking for help in my area   

    What a shame this forum isn't a slightly livelier place. I think there's a real need for something like this, rather than having to go on Reddit.
    Or perhaps Im just too impatient!
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  19. Usernameistaken added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Absolutely broken hearted
    NYE I got engaged to someone who I thought was the most wonderful man I've ever met in my life. Couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
    Two weeks later my gut instinct told me to check his messages and there I found numerous explicit texts to about 7 women - 'my cock aches to be inside you', 'what are you wearing', 'do you love me', 'can I take you to a hotel', I come round for 20 minutes and 10 minutes we are in bed'. My world just fell apart. I contacted all of the women. All but two thought he was single. One woman who knew I existed - he's has an on off relationship with for 6 years. Describes her as his stalker, hates her apparently. Said he had no intention of spending a night at a hotel with her but was building her up to drop her which would hopefully get rid of her. Yet he night he was planning on going to a hotel he told me he was seeing a male friend. He's been sleeping with her on and off during our two year relationship. Another woman wanted a relationship with him when he 'fell for me', said he felt sorry for her as he broke her heart, yet kept going round and sleeping with her. Another woman he asked on a date about 6 months into our relationship. He's a plumber so in and out of women's houses. They had a date and slept together and his messages to her he was telling her how beautiful she is and sending her hugs. The other women 'he couldn't wait to see', all women from his past he has never shut the door on. Said he tried so hard but can't say no. Said he would never contact them first, they would make dialogue and he couldn't say no when the messages turned into offers of sex. He's now seeing a sex addiction counsellor as he said he's never been able to sustain a long term relationship and be faithful. Never been faithful his entire life and never thought he had a problem until now. Said he tried so hard to change for me and I have no idea how bad he's been previously. Said now I know everything about him no one can hurt us, no need to hide his phone. Our whole relationship he's said without trust there is no relationship and said if I check his phone it's over. Said it's like a weight has been lifted. He said he can't explain why he has acted how he has as he considers me absolutely perfect. I feel so so let down and disappointment in this man. I'm devastated. Never been so disrespected by a man in my entire life. I feel so undesireable.. We had the most wonderful relationship and it been a hellish few weeks since I saw those messages. I'm suffering the worst anxiety and insecurity. He said if I keep bringing it up he will dump me as he can't take it anymore. I don't even want to leave the house with him in case we bump into one of his many bits on the side.. We are currently waiting on results of his STI test. I tried to see his counsellor last week but couldn't go in as I was absolutely furious I'm going through this due to his selfishness. He should never have involved me in his life to do this to me. The more counselling sessions he has the more he tries to explain why he's been like this his entire life. He was badly treated by his father as a child and wasn't protected by his mother. Thinks he's has to prove he's a man and lacked respect for women. He's been married twice and every relationship has failed due to infidelity. He goes and gets supplies for work and he's slept with the manager of the shop, goes to the pub and has slept with the landlady, goes to work and sleeps with clients, has an admin girl working for him and sleep with that absolutely mess of a woman. Granted some things happened before me but it's just not normal behaviour. He's said this is almost a wake up call and he's got to do whatever it takes to keep me and build the trust although I think my anxiety and insecurity is making me more hassle than I'm worth. He's given me access to his security cameras at home, given me the pin to his phone, a business phone so I can see all texts and calls, GPS so I know where he's working, 4 weeks into counselling, blocked all the women from his past life, agreed to move house to get away from his psycho admin woman across the road (that's another story) and she will be leaving his business to this month. This isn't normal I know but he doesn't know how to prove his seriousness in our relationship now he's has this wake up call. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know whether I can ever trust him like I did or anyone else for that matter. I'm so disgusted in what he's done to us and me. I feel like a mug, bizarre what love does to you. Guess I'm here to talk to strangers who may have lived this nightmare whenever the result. 
    • 4 replies
  20. Royston added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Looking for help in my area
    Im glad to find this place. I've read a few posts, watched a few videos and just deleted all of my porn.
    Ive been through this routine many times now, and failed many times. Im in my mid forties and my porn addiction has been around for some 30 years. It has definitely intensified in the last 4 years or so, and I keep telling myself I really need help. I need to stop, but seem to fail so easily.
    So, Ive decided I need to reach out to someone. Clearly, doing this alone will not work for me; I'm finally accepting that now.
    Ideally, I'd like to attend the therapy sessions in London, but I simply cannot afford it, being on a low income. Although I'm not so far away in Brighton, I couldn't even manage the return train fare to get to the sessions to begin with.
    Is anyone out there aware of anything similar thats available in the Brighton area? Any advice is appreciated.
    • 4 replies
  21. Ben added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    I'm Paranoid
    I have come to the conclusion at the age of 46, I am a bit compulsive; not just about Porn but other stuff too. There's defiantly a bit of OCD going on !
    Anyway, relating to Porn, I watch it for an hr or so in the evenings or on a lazy Sat morning. Ive never been in a chat room, nor do i download/pay for images,but what worries me are things; Firstly, on some sites including Twitter, there is a bit of underage sex going on. I want to make this clear that I have no interest in this, but, sometimes, it does come up and this makes me even more guilty than ever. Point 2, (call me paranoid) but since Nov 2016 the UK Govt. brought out the 'Snoopers Charter' which basically gives the Police/security services etc. the right to look at everyone's internet browsing history this really worries me too & I find myself feeling v paranoid & expecting a visit from the Police. Am I being over anxious? Id appreciate your thoughts.
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  22. workinprogress added a post in a topic Help   

    Hi Gary. Your writing here suggests that you're serious about stopping, or at least serious about trying to stop. o assuming you decide that you're definitely up for the fight, congratulations on taking a first step to getting control back. Other people who have been through similar fights, and I include myself as a recovering sex addict, have found it useful to separate the fight into two workstreams. The first and easiest thing to address could be called "First level" measures. If you want to stop looking at porn, there are plenty of software tools that you can use to prevent it being accessible on your laptop. I use K9. It keeps a log of all your internet activity as well as blocking certain things and transmitting alerts. I found it really useful when I was deep in the shit to get an "accountability partner" - basically somebody I could genuinely trust to help me get clean - to hold the password and admin rights. That may be a bit tricky but it can really help. K9 isn't the only tool. There are plenty. They are also available for your smartphone and smart TV too. I also found it really helpful to think hard about all the times that I'd recently numbed-out to porn, or acted out, and work out what was influencing me just before, or at the time. I wrote a list of them as the "triggers" of acting out, and could then look at practical ways to avoid them. Certain places, emotions, times of day or situations make you feel porny? If it matters to you enough, you'll find ways to change those patterns. Many of us have found that descending deeper into compulsive porn use was combined with becoming more introverted and isolated, and I know i found it massively helpful to re-establish more sociable ways of living my "real" life; filling my time with real interactions with real people and friends... getting out in public, stuff like exercise and friendships.
    And that hopefully gives you a stable environment for the "Level 2" changes, which are much deeper and more difficult. For me, they were about trying to understand the underlying issues that were making me use porn and sex so compulsively and self-destructively. I was hating the stuff i was doing, getting no pleasure from them, and hating myself for doing them... but seemed unable to stop. WTF was that about? And how do I stop doing the stupid stuff? Well - that's where I'm out of my depth and you need to get help from people who know what they're about. I found Paula Hall's book to be one of the two most useful for me, along with the book (and online tools) from Gary Wilson and the website. I found The Chimp Paradox book really helpful in working out why i behaved in such a self-destructive way. Some people value the books by Patrick Carnes, like "Out of the Shadows". I found them a bit dated. I also invested a lot of money in counselling and therapy and I believe it was mostly really well spent. Might be worth checking out counsellors in your area? And of course there are 12-step groups, like Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous, which work really well for some people, but didn't for me.
    Christ - that is a long answer. Sorry if it has bored you to tears! But if I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to write back. Porn made a bloody mess of my life and i hope you can kick it before it damages yours too much. Take care.
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  23. Gary668484 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Where to start I am in a great relationship I was on chat sites paying someone for pics and vids on and of I was on porn sites on a daily basis first thing in the morning to last thing at night I got caught out a few months back felt regret and I realise it had to stop the chat sites and porn were gone but the porn is creeping back I have been caught twice in the last few weeks I'm trying to stop she has had enough I want to stop to save our relationship anyone with any advice it would be appreciated 
    • 2 replies
  24. murdok added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    ova priča je vrlo zanimljivo, sjećam se da kad sam napravio sexy escort Siena di torchemada i to je bio predivan erotski trenutak, ali je dovelo do pravog opsesija sa seksom.
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  25. workinprogress added a post in a topic My addiction has ruined my marriage. I want to change   

    I feel your pain, guys, having been similarly hooked until I was caught in 2013. I worked from home and spent the vast majority of every day on porn sites and in chat rooms. Cost me what should have been the most productive years of my career and at least one sacking. Jeez.... can still remember the shock and pain when my secret life of lies crashed down around my family. I worked hard on recovery for the last 3-4 years and my wife and I worked hard on rebuilding a relationship, and I know it was really important to separate those two things. I had to get beyond seeing recovery as just a way to save my marriage. Had to be much deeper than that. Recovery was a way to save myself! It had to become more important to not be a practicing sex addict than to be married. Does that make sense at all, guys? Maybe worth giving that perspective some consideration for a moment?
    On the subject of compulsions, Simon, I guess you need to ask whether you just want to deal with them, or eventually be rid of them. Key message I remember from the best counsellors I worked with was that those compulsions are happening because of some underlying, unmet need in your life. And porn/chat is the drug you've become reliant on to soothe the pain of that unmet need. So there are a bunch of "1st Level" things you can do to stop acting out; porn filters, accountability partners, digital detox, documenting and avoiding triggers etc. But until you address the unmet needs, you;re just brushing the dust under the carpet.
    I'm not sure I'm in any position to offer advice. Unfortunately I slipped recently after nearly four years in recovery. People say it's the most natural thing in the world for an addict to relapse but I thought I'd kicked it. Didn't address a couple of underlying unmet needs . And I let the snowball roll for two weeks before I got a grip of the situation. Pretty arrogant of me to think I could play with porn and not get a bloody nose. Back on my wagon now and rebuilding but feeling shitty beyond belief.
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