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  1. Katie added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Need serious advice/support
    I don't know who is out there and how to begin, or if I can even be helped but I am utterly lost.
    i have a bf with three beautiful children, who I was/am deeply in love with. I have just discovered he has been addicted to porn for years. Worse than that, he has been addicted to a gay dating site and been using it for attention. Putting up explicit photos of himself, in our home. Recieving messages from guys, etc. 
    I have asked him if he is gay (the porn was gay too) and he promises he is not. He said that it was an extension of his porn addiction. 
    I really don't know what to think. I want to help him. But I don't think I'm strong enough. I cannot sleep, eat and feel no joy. He has betrayed me. And every time I have a quiet moment all I see are the naked photos of him and messages from guys and I want to get myself. 
    Its so hard to go about day to day life. 
    Please help me. 
    • 5 replies
  2. SadDad added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    Sounds like you're having a tough time at the minute. It is hard doing something that when in your logical mind, you really don't want to do.
    But the addiction almost overrides the logical mind. It seems to be more powerful. Only serious scares or low points seem to kick start the logical mind back into action. At least that's what I have found in my experience.  
    Bottom line is addiction sucks.  But with enough willpower and with the right tools we can work towards overcoming it. One day at a time, little by little, make doing the right things and looking after ourselves spiritually as well as physically our new addiction. Easy to say I know, when the devil comes calling it's hard to say no. We only fail when we give up trying.
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  3. Mel added a post in a topic Porn addiction has ruined my marriage   

    I really feel for you and hope that you can get support and move on from this, I’m also in a situation where my husband has left me and as hard as it is right now I’m listening to the advice of others and concentrating for now on me but of course I’ve let my husband know how much I love and miss him. I went to my first meeting last night and was in a toral
    mess tbh the poor guys in the meeting must have been like wtaf !!!! I certainly fit the stereotype of emotional female, tears snorters the lot. But today I’m feeling really positive, I’ve aat and wrote pages of feelings and somewhat of a timeline of events that have affected my mental health and well being and how I’ve reacted to them, I’m hoping that writing it down I can find the triggers that bring me to the point that causes me to act out sexually and start recovery 
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  4. Christine added a post in a topic Am I the only female addict on here ?   

    Hope the support your getting works out for you and that you receive the specialist treatment for sex addiction in a way that helps you and your relationship. Brave decisions and they show that you really want change. 
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  5. Christine added a post in a topic Porn addiction has ruined my marriage   

    Hope you are okay, it sounds like the situation is very difficult for you and that you have been trying to find a solution. Your circumstances are sadly very common for many, I hope you have been able to find the support you need to begin the road of recovery from Porn and Sex addiction. 
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  6. Mel added a post in a topic Am I the only female addict on here ?   

    Got first session with relationship counselling booked alone for next week got sla meeting tomorrow night and my appointment with community psychiatric team in two weeks can’t comw quick enough 
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  7. Mel added a post in a topic Am I the only female addict on here ?   

    Right now I’m back in the emotional
    Zone think I must be due on but in the upset and angry zone, why didn’t he want to move home his career so important, he wouldn’t have even considered this career had I not pushed him and forced him to believe in himself, a job he hates, people he doesn’t like or respect who don’t show him any respect in turn, he says he feels undervalued and unhappy yet doesn’t want to move home to help me when I was at breaking point, regardless of my views on his weight when we met we got married for feek sake was that not enough for him to show me some intimacy ? Is it any wonder I didn’t feel wanted or loved 
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  8. Mel added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    I can't imagine how you're feeling but I certainly know how awful I'm feeling at the moment, after nearly five years of monogamy in a relationship, 6 weeks into my marriage my depression at an all time low and feeling like I'm totally unloved and unwanted rejected by all my friends, I also hve chronic pain condition so been practically housebound and unable to work for months, I went online to old familiar websites to chat, well the chateooms ended in a one to one chat with a guy who happened to be working locally, so no thoughts of it going anywhere went for dinner and a drive chatting having a laugh zero expectations of anything but I was really enjoying the attention and feeling wanted and normal o suppose, he offered a cuppa back at his hotel I never said no and I didn't stop at just a cuppa, shame, disappointment feelings of low self worth afterwards like was always the case in my past life added to the mix with a new feeling ! Guilt ! Suddenly I had done what had been done to me before I cheated on my Husband who o love more than anything in the world, he's found out and he's left me, my world is in tatters, I took an overdose I've hurt my family mostly my husband, my children have an awdsomw
    ability to love and forgive and are very receptive to people, I've clearly did right by them, now I've got intervention from community mentla
    healtj team and working towards getting my own head right a day at a time, I'm still messaging my husband morning and night to tell him I love and miss him, I don't see him changing how he feels about me and our relationship but I am hoping, I've went to a few church meetings im
    not religious at all but it keeps me busy, I've always struggled to sit at peace possibly undiagnosed asd condition the more I learn about it, but I'm just taking one day at a time and trying not to dwell on my mistakes, I'm an open book always have been if someone asks me I've always gave the answer, friends used to tell me to keep my business to myself but again this begs me am I on the spectrum lol but being open and honest with myself and those closest to me gives me some peace and strength to take each day as it comes 
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  9. SadDad added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    I have slipped again today. After being dormant for a couple of weeks my addiction became active again last night. I started staring at women more and then started thinking about a regular escort I visit. Once my mind gets to this stage I find it almost impossible to stop until the inevitable visit to said escort occurs. 
    How can I go from being so motivated to quit, to visiting an escort within a day or so? I just don't get it. Not sure I will ever be able to quit.
    Feeling resigned to failure again
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  10. PJ added a post in a topic Totally lost   

    It is awful finding yourself in this place, many of us have been there before - the sense of shame, fear, self-doubt, disgust and then the uncertainty about the future.
    The good news is that you have caught this early - many of us who didn't catch this early went far further down an increasingly dark road - looking at increasingly dark porn and for me onto seeing sex workers.  It was a terrible road - and one that you wouldn't want to go down.  Since addiction tends to need greater hits, you might have found yourself, given time, in a worse place.  That is the good news.
    You have come to a good place in asking for a consultation on this website.  In the meantime I would recommend Paula's book on sex addiction.
    To answer your question - no you are not totally lost, and your marriage can most certainly recover.  It will change and for those of us whose marriages survive through this, it can be the stronger.  
    What would I suggest?
    1. Never suggest it is her fault.  It doesn't sound like you are tempted to do that.  
    2. Get help.  You are already doing that.  
    3. Be brutally honest - with yourself and your wife.  It is the only way trust can be rebuilt.
    4. Give it time - you are on a fairly long road.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and rebuild your self-respect.  
    Others have recovered, so can you.
    I wish you all the best. 
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  11. Lost added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Totally lost
    I'm devastated, but not as hurt, humiliated, angry,ashamed.......... as my wife.
    She has given me many chances in our married life, secret drinking, anxiety, depression but this is the final straw for her.
    I have always masterbated during our nearly 30 year marriage and to some degree justified our lack of sex down to me being lazy or too tired or having to get up for work early but I started to use porn sites about 10 years ago - my wife found a cookie and then we discussed our sex life and why i needed porn. It never really got answered and life carried on. I only had a work laptop and there was no way i would jeoprardise my career and therefore took a break but this started again  once I had my own tablet - Initially used for ebooks and BBC programmes for my daily commute. I wouldn't jeopardise my career but I've played fast and loose with my marriage.
    Porn sites reared their ugly head about 2 years ago again she caught me browsing and promises were made. They weren't kept and last night I was caught again this time on holiday. 
    My wife is my best friend but you don't do this to friends and certainly not to loved ones - this time there is no ultimatum - I don't want our marriage to end but my wife has lost all respect for me and as she said she feels dirty and when she looks at me she feels revolted. We talked last night and she browsed the net for advice, why I needed to do this and her conclusion is 3rd time mister and you don't get another chance.
    I'm not going to mitigate myself by saying I've never gone into chat rooms, had casual sex or visited the type of sites my wife questioned me over the past 12 hours. This for her has no degrees of harmless viewing it has harmed her and aside from the moral issues of objectifying women  I may as well have cheated on her either through long term affairs or casual encounters.
    I've asked for a consultation via this website - I want to stay married to the woman I love and (despite my actions) respect but I have destroyed the trust and I can't see how she can even begin to forgive let alone stay married to me.
    Am I totally lost? Should I just let her go why should she have to live with what I have done to us?
    • 1 reply
  12. SadDad added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    Thanks Christine. I am feeling good and motivated again now. I believe you only fail when you stop trying, not just in recovery but in every aspect of life. 
    See you soon
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  13. Christine added a post in a topic New here   

    Have you seen the book on Confronting Porn, it is for Christians, you may find this book supportive in addressing your issues. Also see if the charity Naked Truth can be a place of hope for you. Is their a way of being able to socialise more in Church activities to reduce your isolation? Hope things work out for you. Christine
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  14. Christine added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    Getting back into recovery and therapy again may help you be the dad you can be. Don't give up. Christine
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  15. Christine added a post in a topic Am I the only female addict on here ?   

    Mel, I am sorry to hear that you have found yourself in this situation, but their is hope. The reason you find yourself in this situation might be to do with how you manage your emotions and the expectation of being married and feeling unloved sounds like this was too much for you and your response was to self soothe in your addiction. Dealing with emotions and the underlying emotional pain of why you self soothe in this way is key. You might want to consider having therapy or attending to address this. What has happened cannot be undone but it does not have to mean total destruction. Christine
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  16. sexcare added a post in a topic New here   

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  17. PJ added a post in a topic PLEASE HELP   

    Hi PhilippaAnn
    Unfortunately addicts are very selfish.  They have a tendency to use people to feed their habit - sex addiction is no different.  Sex addicts talk about being 'in the bubble' - which conjures up al sorts of dynamics, but is trying to describe that they are in their own world, that it is difficult to connect emotionally or empathise.  
    Have you read Paula's book for partners of sex addicts?  It might be worth reading.
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  18. PJ added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

    Hi Mel
    It sounds like you are in quite a crisis.  However the first step to getting over this is firstly to realise that you are addicted and the second step is hitting rock bottom - this sounds like it might be your rock bottom.  The rock bottom is where you come to the point you will do anything to get free from this addiction.  And that is what it needs.  To get over this addiction you have to be totally, totally, honest with yourself and getting free from you addiction has to be more important than anything else in your life.  More important than your marriage even - the logic being, if you don't, you won't have a marriage either.
    The question is what do you do now?  It is good that you are getting referred to different professionals - I wonder if that is about your overdose rather than your addiction?  There are various places you can get help.
    1. Twelve step programmes, like Sex Addicts Anonymous ( or Sexaholics Anonymous ( or Sex and Love Addicts anonymous (  I go to SAA and it works for me.  The one note of wisdom though, groups vary, so if one doesn't work try another.  On their websites, you can see which groups are mixed or single sex.
    2. Get some personal support from a friend or relative.  I know that can be scary, but my experience is that friends really come through.
    3. Read up about Sex Addiction - Paula Hall's book is excellent.  "Understanding and treating sex addiction".
    4. Personally what turned my life around was Paula's intensive recovery course - information on her website.
    There is hope - things are bad at the moment, but you can recover from this - many have and do.  I am one.
    Best wishes.
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  19. Mel added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

    What does that mean ? 
    Ive also found myself going back to tge same site, initially to chat and just meet "likeminded individuals" but reality being I just kept putting myself in potentially dangerous situations that at the time are a quick fix but leave me feeling ashamed and disgusted with myself afterwards, I met my husband and finally put it to bed(pardon the pun) or so I thought, just got married and depression hitting me like a steam train physically my health taking its toll as well and I found myself back online, one man one meet one day, usualfeelings afterwards added to the most unbelievable and overwhelming sense of guilt, didn't stop he staying in and chatting but had set my mind I would not, could not meet with anyone again. Then my husband found stuff on computer and my very short marriage is over. I'm totally broken I know I have deep rooted issues, I've joked I'm addicted to sex when I was single but this actual realisation that I am addicted and it's so wrong has come as a huge shock to me, I took an overdose and now being referred to various different professionals, I'm terrified for my children and what they may or may not be aware of 
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  20. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Interesting take on sex addiction   

    Hi Hana,
    Thanks for bringing this to our attention - it's so important that we look at all the different angles of any problem. 
    The problem for me with this article is that it's over simplistic and shows the author doesn't really understand neuroscience - and I have to confess, I'm not an expert myself either.  But there have been quite a lot of twin studies in addiction and the advantage of those studies is that it does show that how much brain change is caused and much was there in the first place.  The conclusive evidence is that the environment, ie how the brain is used and what it's exposed to, is what causes most of the changes. 
    Our brains are incredibly complex.  It's true that some  people have a greater disposition towards addiction, and some of that is how they're brains were wired up in the first place.  But the same could be said for those who are great muscians or have a gift for languages.  But ultimately, it's how you use those natural gifts, or flaws, that will lead your behaviours in one direction or another.  I'm sure there are many people in the world who have a gift for music, but didn't have the opportunity to express it and develop it.  The same is true for people with addiction.
    Another point that is not highlighted is that we can re-train our brains and ultimately, we can choose our behaviours.  So even if someone does have a certain inherent predisposition, it doesn't mean they have to follow that path. 
    I hope that helps a little.
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  21. Hanna added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Interesting take on sex addiction
    Hi all 
    I just read this and wondered of anyone especially Paula and her team have any comments to make on this.  It seems that sex addiction treatment may not be all that is required and further research is required.   This site is American and seems to be for ladies who have left the addict so nothing much on recovery success, but perhaps that the reality???
    • 1 reply
  22. Larryrab added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

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  23. Tantalus added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

    My GP suggested I completed a self referral to a resource offered by my local NHS trust. They have a "website" for people living in the area. I filled in a self referral form and this was swiftly followed up with a telephone consultation. Based on my answers a referral to a psychiatrist and an appointment followed about a month later. I meet with them fairly regularly at my GP surgery, at a time I can hide fairly easily. The appointments offer "talking space" and that is pretty much all that has happened - it's given me someone to talk to in absolute confidence. I sometimes feel it is an abuse of NHS resources but I have a problem and need help.
    No one knows about it, save for my GP, who hasn't asked me about it since I made the original approach.
    I should say that I've not 'fessed up my addiction to pornography, but have spoken about other issues which are tied. I still haven't decided whether I should say.
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  24. Tantalus added a post in a topic Hello. I think I really need help.   

    I'm sorry it's been a while and thanks for the comments. I've been trying to forget and trying to ignore, but I've come back as I acknowledge this as a problem now.
    Some months on and whilst no negative consequences seem to have come from the slip up I mention, I find myself in the darkest place I have ever been in my life. Whilst I am content in my family life and should be satisfied by this I still use porn far too frequently. I'm full of self loathing and disgust about it but I seem to lack any self discipline.
    I am desperately unhappy. I feel extremely lonely and don't socialise. I am struggling at work and have no confidence in myself. I have put on weight and have little exercise and I find myself angry and irritable. I have also had suicidal thoughts as my psychological problem and feelings of despair have reached an all time low. Reaching for the porn has, all too often, been a release from these thoughts.
    When the suicidal thoughts happened I realised I needed some kind of rapid external help so I turned to my GP and, fortunately, I am now benefiting from frequent conversations with a psychologist. I talk about all sorts of things though never my use of pornography. Despite this talk, my reliance on porn for comfort and the countering feelings of despair and self loathing I get after climax have really grown to be too much and I've come to realise that they are a huge driver of my issues rather than a symptom and treatment. I've come to see my use of porn as a vicious cycle and I fear I won't make any real progress in my linked issues unless I face up and admit to this. I don't feel I can do this to anyone and feel alone, helpless and scared. For the moment (fortunately), the only person being really harmed by all of this seems to be me.
    Aside from the artificial joy I get from visualising my wife I am really getting nothing else from porn and I really, really want to stop. I am trying to increase the amount of time I spend in open plan offices, and I'm limiting the opportunities I have to be alone.
    I am, however, finding the psychological pull of pornography difficult to manage when I do have opportune moments and tackling this secret alone is tiring and difficult.
    I'm hoping that posting here will help.
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  25. Domonic added a post in a topic I'm New Here   

    Hi Mel, welcome to the Paula Hall forum and I wish you the very best in finding the what you need.
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