Activity Stream

Activity Stream

  1. Florrie added a post in a topic Partner's addiction has lost ME my home and job   

    Gosh, Kat, that sounds like an ordeal to say the least. I don’t know if I can offer any words of wisdom really, but feel that your priority should be the safety of your children and yourself. To find out that your husband is a sex addict is awful, but under such conditions is beyond imagination. If I were you I would seek legal advice for yourself, and try to explain to your husband that his actions have put your children’s well-being at risk. He needs to understand this, and take full responsibility for what he has done. I would need this from him at the very least, before I could move forward from this with in any civilised way. I wish you the very best of luck in beginning to sort out this mess you have found yourself in. Just focus on the needs of yourself and children above anything else first, and then work out how you feel about your relationship with your husband.
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  2. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    I hate that my sex and porn addiction was a comfort blanket that was my way to deal with anger, grief, resentment, loneliness, boredom, stress etc etc.  Keeping the compulsive behaviours away means that my brain is bombarding me with all those emotions.

     
    Dealing with the biggest one is like it is happening all over again.  I am trying to look at it with the perspective that there is this 'higher power' and that by hitting absolute rock bottom means I will be able to deal with the issue properly.

     
    I saw the power of SAA yesterday.  I was able to call someone who understands this disease and what it does to you.  He had barely answered the phone before I was blubbing, but he understood and that strength gives me strength.  One day I will give that strength to others.

     
    I got my first SAA chip.  I have created my 'inner circle' behaviours and got a sponsor; I am starting this journey.  My inner circle is a list of all my 'bat-shit crazy' behaviours that I commit never to do again.  For me, these behaviours go far beyond PMO.  These are things to which I lost my morals, my money, my dignity, my time.  All of these things I could have used for happiness with my family but instead I was compelled to lose them by acting out.

     
    I'm thankful for others' input in response to what my therapist said about complete celibate style abstinence.  My goals are not simply PMO, there is more to it.  Abstaining PMO was right in the immediate aftermath, but for me things have now developed a bit.  My reboot and nofap is to do with my inner circle and my goal is not to relapse and act them out again.  As long as I am honest with my sponsor and myself about whether or not I relapse and act out any of those behaviours; that will be pure abstinence.  Of course there has been my brain saying 'thats not really that bad, dont put that in the circle', but I am being focussed on what should and should not be in there and my brain can bog off.

     
    The other evening and yesterday morning my wife sent a couple of emails.  She was so horrified for the first days and weeks about my illegal actions that she did not take on board the back catalogue of compulsive behaviours that took me across the line.  She is now taking those on and is bitterly pained.  Like a hurt animal she is kicking out and she knows me, she know the things to say that are painful to read and really get inside me.  I drafted about 5 or 6 replies before calming down.  Replying when upset or angry is not good.  I told her I love her and that things are my fault, but that I am really and honestly making steps to recover and rebuild, and that I hope she will be some part of my life in the future to see me be a better person.

     
    This afternoon I am going back to the house when she is out.  She knows this.  She has asked me to collect the dog, who will be going to stay with my parents for a short while.  I've only returned indoors once since the immediate aftermath of hitting rock bottom and I cried a lot.  Perhaps I will this time too, but we will see. 

     
    Thank you for letting me ramble.
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  3. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Thanks P
    It feels very real putting it out here, but I know that secrecy fuels it and it's only by facing up to it that I am going to get through.
    Well done on getting to saa. Please can I ask a question and I'll understand if you don't want to answer it. You mentioned that it is 6 weeks and 3 days since you hit rock bottom. Have you been 'clean' since then.
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  4. pdw123 added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Hi,
    Well done on posting.  Well done on admitting to yourself that you have an issue.  You're not alone, there are people here who have done what you have, done different things and done nothing, but all are here for one reason or another.
    I did a list of all the things I have done and it was a bit shocking really.  I'd never thought I was wasting so much time but there I was looking at the list and it wasn't great reading.
    I'm sure others will reply.  But I would always now suggest trying SAA.  I am 6 weeks and 3 days since I hit absolute rock bottom.  If I hadn't had that rock bottom moment I'd still be denying the truth but I'm here and trying to be a better person and SAA is one thing that helps.
    P.
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  5. Enigmajacq added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    New and ashamed
    Today I made the step of owning the fact that I have a huge issue around sex, both pornography and actual meeting people - which can be multiple people at a time and either sex it doesn't bother me. 
    I am so ashamed of my behaviour, I spend my life working out how to get my next 'fix'. I don't know how to stop yet, but I know I want or need to. The worst thing is I don't even really enjoy sex even though I have so much of it.
    My life revolves around sex, watching it, doing it, making pictures of me doing it, talking about it....... the list goes on.
    The trouble is that although I know in my heart that I need to deal with this, I am so scared. Scared of being alone, of having no one, 95% of my life outside work revolves around this addiction .
    So that's me for now. I'm praying that I have found somewhere that can allow me to get through this.
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  6. outofwishes added a post in a topic How are you?   

    I appreciate your comments Joshua. I'm guessing that at least part of my sentence will include some sort of therapy and I'm continuing with the StopIt stuff I got, including the books. I know what you're saying here, it took me several goes at stopping smoking and I had a 3 year break at one point before starting again so I'm going to keep working at it. Joining this group and others is also part of that longer term plan.
    That said, I'm going to treasure every non-addicted minute I get
     
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  7. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic How are you?   

    Be careful....you're moving pretty fast. You've had a lot happen to you, made big changes and assimilating a lot of new things. You recognize the sun still rises and sets and nobody is going to firebomb your car, if they even care at all.
    There's a thing a lot of people have as they leave inpatient rehab called "Pink Cloud Syndrome". It's when they've stayed away from their addiction for the longest stretch in years, picked up new tools to cope and have had so many breakthroughs and good days with new perspective that they tell themselves, "I've got this". I've seen a lot of people convince themselves everything is going to be fine with their addiction and then something sideswipes them in life and they fall back into their old coping mechanisms.
    I'm not say it will happen with you, and I certainly hope it doesn't, but the most dangerous thing you can say is, "I got this" because after four relapse-free years, I can tell you the line between "I got this" and "what happened?" is razor thin, and overconfidence and be a narcisist will be the poison. 
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  8. outofwishes added a post in a topic How are you?   

    Serenity, kind of  - I'm am clearly a different person now and try not to wish I'd found a better route to this place as that's unhelpful. I have regained several hours of each day, which I'm currently too screwed up to use, but I'll get there, and I no longer have a nasty secret that I'm keeping from people. My main fear, which is mostly about an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, is a) hopefully inflated but b) hideously ironic because they are finding out after I've fixed it. People who don't want to be in the same room as me now were in the same room when I was doing this, now I've stopped doing it, they will reject me.
    So, yes, I have no secrets about who I am now, nothing to hide that I'm ashamed of and I'm no longer getting twitchy when I'm away from porn sites for more than an hour or two. Once the conviction is behind me and I've started building whatever life I decide/am allowed to build, I'm pretty relaxed about not telling people about it; I've done plenty of things in my life I'm ashamed of and/or regret and I don't provide a list of those to everyone I meet. Actually, one of the mental health team recently asked me if I'd go round telling everyone I had piles and, if not, why tell them this?
    Things I'm concerned about that might make me blab are a) I'm a real attention freak and it's something 'special' about me - my ego needs a little squashing - and b) the need to tell people before they find out some other way.
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  9. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    When I went to inpatient rehab for my porn addiction back in 2015, I went to a facility that welcomed drug, alcohol, sex and food addicts. The food addict program was mostly eating disorders and the sex addict program was mostly porn. I would have never guessed it going in, but I made closer connections with the eating disorder patients than the drug or alcohol ones...and I myself was an alcoholic. Recovery from drugs and alcohol has a simple goal. Don't use. 100% abstinence. With food and sexuality, the goal is cloudier. It's about a healthy relationship, not complete denial. You have to eat to live. We are sexual beings. We have to learn to do both in balanced, healthy ways.
    I know you're becoming a big fan of SAA and the circles can really help figure out where things should land. When I was deep in my illness, if I was looking at porn, I was masturbating. If I was masturbating, there was porn in front of me. That was the formula 99% of the time. Was the goal looking at sexy women or was the goal the orgasm? When I had this question posed to me once, I really had to think long and hard about it. So I monitored the triggering feelings inside of me. It took about two days to realize that I was after the porn and I used the masturbation to "justify" it.
    Here's an analogy: Let's say I was addicted to huffing gasoline fumes. I could go and only put 1/10th of a tank of fuel in my automobile when I go to the filling station. I need to use my car, so I need to put fuel in it...I'm justified. But, if I put only a little fuel in the tank, I can go back again and again.  I will make excuses to take drives just to use the fuel so I must return. Somebody on the outside could look at me and think I'm addicted to driving my car. But, let's say my wife takes the car and fills the fuel tank to 100%. I doubt the next day that I'm making 5 or 6 little trips. There's no reason to visit the filling station, so there's no reason to take those little trips.
    There is nothing wrong with masturbation...which is the car in this analogy. Porn is the filling station. If I don't need to go to the filling station, I don't need the car. If I don't look at pornography, it turned out in my case, I didn't need to masturbate. It became super clear to me when porn is not in my life, masturbation is not an activity I do a lot...much like I don't listen to my MP3 player unless I exercise. They just went to together, yet I was only addicted to one. Sure, there are some people addicted to masturbation and not porn. There are some people addicted to both, but you've got to figure out the relationship they play in your addiction.
    One of the benefits, for me, of cutting masturbation down to almost nothing (I'd guess 1-2 times per month, never with visual aids) is the increased health of my sex life with my wife. It hasn't made us freaks, but it has made me desire wanting to be with her more. But I don't feel guilty if I give myself some pleasure in the shower every few weeks. And my therapist knows this, confirms that it is not a relapse, and my thinks this is healthier than completely denying myself.
    You shouldn't plan on being celibate. Humans were never supposed to be celibate. You can see what years and decades of celibacy does to people just by looking at the American Catholic Church and the problems they've had with clergy over the last two decades. There are organizations (sometimes it's hard to tell if they're about helping people or selling T-shirts to college kids) out there that preach a hardcore no-masturbation philosophy. If you're a masturbation addict, maybe that's what's necessary, but I don't think it is for a pure porn addict like you or I. Healthy sexuality is your goal.
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  10. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    A reasonably quick one; had a session with my therapist today.  Got through SO much stuff when she asked how I was and how my week had been.  It's no wonder I have been so exhausted.  She said that everything in my head - it sounds tiring.
    She picked up on the fact that I had not masturbated at all since my day zero, and that in all honesty that doesn't sound very healthy.
    Almost every orgasm I have had over the last umpteen years has been based on an 'acting out' behaviour; something that is in my newly created inner circle of things I want never to do again.  I said how I was worried that by masturbating I could easily end up doing the inner circle things again.  She suggested to differentiate between masturbating and using porn.  That masturbating is fine, and probably healthy, but to try without porn and even without thinking of pornography that I have watched.
    Instead, to imagine my wife, or a woman (or man) of my imagination and instead fantasise and imagine using my other senses - the smell of the person, the feeling of the person, the touch, the taste and the sound of them talking to me or calling my name.  And, importantly, to only do this if I was motivated to just enjoy the action and not be reacting to a trigger.
    As she spoke about this, I felt really calm and relaxed, and the thought of doing this because I wanted simply to do it felt very gentle and loving.  So different from the reaction of compulsively masturbating as a response to feeling lonely, angry, bored or stressed.
    I will keep a small notepad with me and record when I feel this triggers.  I will record those and NOT act on them, but I will be gentle to myself and consider healthy action.
    Interested to hear other's thoughts on this.  I am not abstaining completely from orgasms and I don't plan on ever being celibate, but therapist's suggestion feel okay.
    Thanks for letting me ramble.
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  11. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic My story, my challenge   

    If you contact me privately through my website at RecoveringPornAddict.com I'll share with you. I don't think it's fair to link or promote other sites and forums here. This is actually one of the best out there, and the best I've seen out of the UK. It shows you just how little people really want to talk about this.
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  12. Desperateforrecovery added a post in a topic My story, my challenge   

    What other support forums are you on? I'm only on this one and it seems fairly inactive.
    My GP mainly pointed me in the direction of 'talking therapies' I think it's run depending on your local NHS. The silly thing about them saying there is nothing for sex addiction is that addiction is addiction no matter what it is you're addicted to. It's the underlying issue that's the cause, the addiction is the reaction.
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  13. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    The timeline/autobiography is always a fascinating tool. I've had to write several in my recovery. One thing that I wish therapists would make people do is edit them. I found one of the biggest exercises in my recovery that put my life into perspective was when I had to cut my book from 200,000 words down to 90,000. It forced me to evaluate and determine what really were the important parts and what were just the parts I told myself were important. The birth of my son is a big deal. Winning awards? Not so much.
    If you can, try to look at the need for testing of STIs in the way you're looking at your offense. You can't do anything about it now, you can just ensure that it doesn't happen again moving forward. Yes, you put them in a horrible situation, but once they are tested and cleared, it's over. 
    Your wife is going to be angry for a while. It may destroy your marriage. But, you were sick over a long stretch. Now she's going to be sick in a very short timespan. You have to let her have her reaction organically and it sounds like you're doing that. When she berates you for making selfish decisions, all you can do is agree with her and tell her that you're taking the steps to make sure your decision making process is different moving forward.
    Your brain is going to throw a lot at you. Mine still does, but just because it does that (as I think it does for any man) doesn't mean we act on it. Haven't you ever been cut-off in traffic and thought, "I'd like to punch that motherf...." but you don't. Or your boss says something demeaning to you and you start the tirade in your head back at them. Or you see an advertisement for a pizza place on TV and suddenly you want pizza even though you just ate. I struggled with accepting my mind's thoughts for a while and then I had a therapist tell me, "It's OK to think anything for three seconds. That's involuntary. After that, you're making a choice to think about it and a choice to act on it." He's right. Don't beat yourself up for your thoughts. Develop the good sense to steer yourself away from them, or the ability to analyze and understand why the thought is faulty on the spot.
    It sounds like given your situation, things are fairly stable and it's going about as well as you can hope. That's good, and better than most. I think you now have the sense life is forever different. It's just your job to make it a healthier place now and most of the other stuff out of your control will take care of itself.
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  14. Realitycheck added a post in a topic Red flags   

    Thanks to those who have taken time to read and reply. It's just a shame that any of us have to face this. 😔 
    I don't know how others feel but i think there is too much emphasis on partners understanding the addict and the balance is off.  Why,  since their issues are due to a warped mindset are addicts not reeducated on normal human emotional reactions to what is extreme circumstances so they can take real responsibility for understanding the reality of their actions and the damage which their warped mindset causes their otherwise normal partners. In my experience my partner assumes all the pain, loss of trust and trauma is down to my own failures. He is still responsible for his actions.  As if you're supposed to suddenly become emotionally dead like them or your feelings should stay in the box in order to not bring the slightest bit of discomfort his way because he now has this affliction  label to be pandered to.
    Its horrible. Sick of this shit. Sorry. 
    Where is the book, 'what have i done to my partner and how not to make whats reallyvad worse'? 
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  15. pdw123 added a post in a topic feeling guilt and shame about a past mistake online   

    Hello jjj030303
    What a brave step to come here and share your story.  Sharing and being honest, even to people on a forum who you don't know from jack takes a lot of strength.
    The behaviours and compulsions you talked about really resonate with me.  How are you, where are you at with your journey?
    I don't think anyone can tell whether or not to tell your other half about every little thing, but whatever you do to talk about I think most people will recommend truth and honesty.
    I can heartily recommend talking with a therapist.  Perhaps a good start for your particular scenario would be to talk in confidence to a charity.  If you are in UK (and perhaps even if not) call Lucy Faithfull Foundation via their 'stop it now' helpline.  See here - https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/
    Do come back and chat and seek support from us all here.  I personally am finding these forums very useful in retaining any sort of sanity in a world which crumbled apart just 6 weeks ago.
    All the best, hope to hear soon.
    P.
     
     
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  16. pdw123 added a post in a topic My story, my challenge   

    Really pleased to read your update.  Saying "No, I'm not ok" is very hard to do, and when you can say it to someone you love it a great thing.
    Keep coming here and on any other support forums you find.  I am on about 5 and all of them have wonderful people that respond and support.
    I think writing things down is a great idea.  Keep a little notebook with you and maybe a small book to read.  I was in a McD earlier today and it was busy.  My brain made sure I noticed a very attractive girl and was screaming at me to stare at her, take her image in my mind to an explicit fantasy, and I could really have done with a book to read or a notebook to write in.  Anything to take that craving away.
    Was your GP any use?  Mine wasn't really.  Said there were alcohol and drug abuse help but nothing for sex addicts.
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  17. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Oh my goodness I felt depressed when I woke up today.  When there is something really terrible going on in your life, how is it that your body and mind work you feeling so deeply terrible the moment you wake up?  As usual, I woke with an absolute start.  Only 6.5 hours sleep despite being so exhausted last night that I basically collapsed into bed.
    I have been at my parent's house for Sunday and Monday.  I was going to go earlier in the weekend, but was waiting around hoping that my wife would let me see my Son before he went on a school trip, and my girls of course.  She didn't respond; she hasn't responded to me since I answered her questions.  It was so hard doing that, but I poked the addiction in the eye by being truthful and honest.  It is the first time I have really been able to be truthful without worrying that I will let slip some little guilty lie.  From that perspective, I win!  You hear that, addiction?  I won that round.
    At Christmas, I bought my niece a little unicorn mug.  I knew she would like.  Turns out she loves it, absolutely adores it.  She kept showing it to her Nan (my mum) today, and Mum relayed this to me.  How is it possible for me to act so normally and thoughtfully on one hand, yet on the other hand have this face that is completely preoccupied with sex and porn?!
    One really good way to beat this addiction is to give some service.  Anything works.  I cleaned Mum and Dad's windows today.  Really basic thing to do, but it meant Dad didn't have to over-exert himself and Mum didn't have to worry about him.  I've told them to leave windows to me from now on, and to create a list of jobs for me to do when I go visit them every three or four weeks.
    As I write, my wife has text me.  It is not nice reading, she is rightly so angry with me.  The current concern is that she and the babies may have STIs.  I suppose they will have to be checked out.  Babies being tested for STIs - what the f**k was I thinking.  This consequence has my feeling so sick, so distressed.  Why the f**k did my brain not let me consider these consequences of my behaviour?  Why did I never think of the consequences of my behaviour?  How does your brain let that happen?!!  I am praying that there are no infections.  I have been racking my brain, but I am certain that I wore a condom any time I hooked up with anyone.  How the hell did I get here?
    I spoke to a SAA fellow earlier today.  It was a good chat and out of it I started working on creating my inner circle.  In it I have hand written a number of behaviours that reflect my alcohol or drug (in AA or DAA terms) and which I intend never to do again.  They are all actions or activities.  I did that on purpose so that my brain can't trick me, it can't throw an image into my mind which would immediately mean I relapse, it can try that, but to relapse I would have to consciously DO something with the thought.  So, I can now get to the end of a day and ask myself "Am I still sober?".  I can 100% say yes or no to each of the items in my inner circle.  I'm feeling very ready to deal with this.
    At the moment I have to park my wife's anger.  I cannot do anything about that.  I will continue to tell her I love her, I love my Son, I love my girls, that I am and will forever be sorry.  But that is all I can do.  
    At the moment I have to park my offence.  I did what I did and there will be consequences for me to face.  I am not offending, I have not offended again since Day Zero.  I can't do anything about all that at the moment, so I have to park it.
    I left my little green SAA pocket book with Mum and Dad to look at.  The first chapter, 'Our Addiction' just completely resonates.  
    I have finished some homework from my therapist.  She wanted me to create a small timeline of important events in my life, such as moving house, starting college, grandparents death, losing virginity etc.  Started small but my head kept throwing memories at me, some which I was astounded were still in there.  So, the 'small' list was 101 items short!! 
    Thank you all for letting me ramble on.  It helps, and I hope there might be some readers who take something from it all.
    P.
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  18. pdw123 added a post in a topic How are you?   

    Have you managed to feel any serenity about your conviction?  Do you feel a better person now, no matter what the court decides?  I ask, because I will have the same position in the months ahead.
    Well done on 5 months.  I bet that in itself feels better.
     
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  19. outofwishes added a post in a topic My story, my challenge   

    I've just finished 'In the Shadows of the Net' which I found pretty good - lots of exercises in it that worked for me.
    Keep plugging away; you still have what you value most and you're already working on keeping that.
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  20. outofwishes added a post in a topic How are you?   

    Today I am mostly suppressing my anxiety about my up-coming court appearance. Because that makes it really hard to concentrate for very long I divide my time into short chunks and do stuff like write on my blog, meditate (or appear to), watch TV in small chunks (Taken 3 was rubbish), try to eat properly, walk round the block (once this snow has gone), read a bit.
    I did try to distract myself by planning possible lives after conviction, but I found that a) it reminded me that I'm going to be convicted and b) most of these plans involved having to find a new place to live, sell my house, move, start again from scratch; these things actually seem more stressful than worrying about the conviction :o/
    BUT, it's 5 months since I looked at any porn.   
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  21. Desperateforrecovery added a post in a topic My story, my challenge   

    Day 5 
    So here we are, still very early stages and so far whilst I've had urges, I have so far either been going straight to this forum and re-reading my posts or using the app and reading about facts relating to porn addiction. It really helps, why have I never tried this before? 
    I've also bought Paula Hall's book and sent off my details to hopefully get referred. Maybe if I educate myself about addiction it will help. I'm just willing to try anything at the moment because like I've said before I'm literally teetering on the edge. If this goes wrong I know I will lose those that I value the most.
    Me and the wife are in a difficult place right now, I do really want to open up to her but I have issues relating to my feelings. My previous therapist said that my issue is basically escapism rather than dealing with the issue at hand. It's something I learnt from my parents, they never sorted issues out and had the most horrendous divorce. The other night we just cuddled, she asked me if I was ok and for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable to say no. It's so nice being able to hold her, and I think she thinks deep down I am a good person, I just need to get over the issues that have plagued my life for so long.
    Every time I write here I feel so relieved after, it feels like a weight is being lifted off me each time. Maybe I should get a book and write this all down? 
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  22. Lorraine added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Devastated
    Hi sorry I have never been on any sites or forums before.
    How can you carry on with life as normal when you find out such devastating things about your husband. is it normal to feel you are in some way to blame? Can you ever forgive them? should you keep it secret from people to protect them, your children and yourselves.
    I just feel so lost and confused after finding out that my husband has been visiting prostitutes, using chat lines, webcams for most of our 20 year marriage, he says it started before we even met. he has started to go to 12 step meetings and says he is there to support me but i can't see how he can be when he is the one who has caused me this hurt.
    He says it was only about sex and no emotion but i have seen emails, pictures and messages where he has made arrangements to meet up, (not spur of the moment meetings) and what he is going to do to them. The last 3 prostitutes he had been seeing he says he wanted to have all 3 of them on the go at the same time.He even arranged to go shopping with one of them and spent hundreds on her just before Christmas, They would also send him pictures (nude and not nude) and he also sent pictures to them, they had his personal phone number and he would let them know he had blocked them when he was at home, so in my eyes he could have stopped what he was doing. I don't feel as though he understands how far he took things, he keeps saying it is his addiction. Part of me does not believe this and i believe you are responsible for your actions.
    I just need to talk to someone who understands how I feel. I lost my mum a few years ago and feel very alone. I don't know if I want to be with him and support him or just walk away now. Part of me hates him right now!
    Thank you 
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  23. Desperateforrecovery added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Pdw sounds like your battling your issues so well. You've taken steps others would have been afraid to take and most importantly you have been completely open and truthful to your wife.
    It sounds like you're building quite the support network around you whilst battling your demons. I hope you get to see your kids soon.
    Keep going.
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  24. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Ok.  A slightly calmer day.
    Good Friday bank holiday so I was able to turn the alarm off last night and have a lay in.  The same and usual morning 'heavy feeling', which I suppose I will have to get used to while all this is so raw.
    Did a bit of tidying up and vacuuming which kept me busy.  A bit of shopping, got my Son a punch bag so he can hit and kick out his low feelings.  I hate I let him down so much but I am determined to show him that it is important to take responsibility for stupid decisions.
    Bless the culture of free-refills.  Went to a Wetherspoons (bleurgh) and Ikea to while away a few hours for the price of a cuppa.  Free wifi and free refills.  I suppose they didn't really cater for me 
    No response from my wife today having sent her answers to her questions yesterday.  I'm going to try not to read anything into that either way.
    My brain is still trying to get me to relapse.  It's tried a load of visions and a load of memories.  Pleased with my reaction to seeing several attractive people when I was out today.  Only 6 weeks ago I would have been turning round, checking them out, leching, fantasising, taking photos on my phone.  It's all will power on the wave of shock and trauma, but I'm managing it.  I think that if I can last until I start getting tools and techniques from my therapist and through the 12 steps of SAA I might just do it.
    I've bought my Son the punch bag as an Easter gift and the girls an easter cuddly toy each.  I've asked my wife if I can come and give them personally rather than just leave them at the house when they are out.  As I said, nothing yet though.
    Did my first phone call to a SAA fellow today.  I've taken some calls before but never made one.  Thank you Paul, it helped.
    My Sister has been asking more specific questions about the things I was arrested for.  I know she needs to ask for her, but it actually helps focus my mind too.  I think I need to make sure I don't just try and pretend it never happened.  I have talked all through it with my therapist; she is great.  It's tempting to just tell every bit of everything to everyone, but that's just too much.  People don't need to know what's in my head - just me and my therapist.
    I told my solicitor what I have done; what I can remember doing.  Best I will get is a suspended sentence.  My head is already trying to think of what I say to my Son, how I can prepare him for the worst.  I'm amazed and happy at how much I have thought of him and how much I love him.  I hope I get to see him soon and hug him.
    Made it through another day and off to bed shortly.
    Thank you all for letting me yak, it helps.
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  25. Kat added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Partner's addiction has lost ME my home and job
    So glad I've found this forum. I'd be so appreciate of any help, advice or just some support as I've found myself in a nightmare situation.
    I found out about my partner's sex addiction 6 weeks ago in an extremely traumatic way when 3 men burst into our family home one evening and started shouting abuse at my partner in front of our 2 young children. It transpires that he has been using chat lines for years and developed some kind of obsession with one particular worker. This behaviour aparrently escalated into him somehow finding out her home address and, for want of a better term, stalking her on his work lunch hours as well as inundating her with texts and emails each day.
    The men who came to our house were 'associates' of the woman who had come to warn him off and showed me pages and pages of his messages. One of the men physically attacked my partner and unbelievably they made horrible threats against the wellbeing of our children if he ever contacted her again. The experience was utterly terrifying.
    After they had gone my partner confirmed that he had indeed done everything they had said. I'm too scared to ask if hes done anything else. My instinct was to call the police but he told me i wouldnt be able to as he would be in trouble himself if i did (a solicitors appt a few days later confirmed this) I felt i had no choice but to get the kids out of the house so have been living with family ever since. I now have no safe family home and, as I worked as a therapist from my house, I now have no job either. I am also suddenly now a single parent to 2 extremely traumatised children, both of whom are refusing point blank to ever go back to their home again. 
    My partners response has been baffling. One minute he's apologetic, the next he's angry and blaming me (We've not had the best relationship since our youngest child was born). His latest response has been to visit a solicitor to find out how much of the house value he would be entitled to if we split then making me a settlement offer and telling me i need to get a job asap as I've been sitting around doing nothing for the past few weeks!
    I have no idea what to do next and honestly just cannot process this dire situation. Please if anyone has any words of wisdom I would be so grateful. 
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