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  1. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Living with the aftermath of porn addiction   

    Can I add that at anytime you wish to seek counselling, make sure the individual knows about sex addiction. I've heard some devastating stories that alas with best will in the world, havent helped . There is more research being conducted on the relational impact of porn addiction and how the relationship can repair. Please if and when the need arises do ask an we can provide good supportive pathways
    BW
    Ian
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  2. Ian Baker added a post in a topic My addiction has ruined my marriage. I want to change   

      Paula Halls book  sex addiciton the partners perspective is very helpful. p24 and p60 explores cycles of addiction and cycles of reaction . this helps to gain an understanding of a partners pain. P 42 43 goes a long way to explaining that. I know this means buying the book but it is a serious step in the right direction in self help to gain knowledge over this to gain control to lead to understanding , empathy to then work through and on a place of forgiveness to rebuilding trust  
    Ian
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  3. Ian Baker added a post in a topic I need help but dont know where   

    Hi Bilbo
    change some passwords to something personal, ie wife's name. find ways of having a distraction before the need arises and practice it before, planning is key. persoanlising what will work for you too. Think ahead , what time is bad and do somehting else around that time, ie bored at 4 o'clock.plan somethign different and get out of the trigger zone
     
    best wishes
    Ian
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  4. workinprogress added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Oh man.... this is inspiring, and i can feel your pain, Schroedinger. Looks like you've dropped out, which is a shame. Hope you won your battle with The Chimp.
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  5. workinprogress added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    I guess they work for some and not for others. Like Marmite!
    Sex-Aholics Anonymous didn't work for me, but appears to work for others (like PJ). Couldn't get my head around being absolved of accountability for my own actions... and my own recovery. Everything bad or good that happened was the work of my Higher Power. That said, after 4 years of "sobriety", I've suffered a slip, so I won't sit in my glass house and start throwing any stones . I might have a crack at one of the others that I'd understood were a little less religious.
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  6. workinprogress added a post in a topic Porn   

    Hey Ian.
    You're one of a very large and growing universe of people who suffer with this issue and have been chewed-up by it. You;re not alone and you're far from unusual. Congrats on facing up to the challenge, because porn is fucking your life up, for sure.
    Please be very careful about disclosing to your wife at this stage. That could be a bloody awful piece of advice by me, and feel free to ignore it. But it could be like dropping a match in a box of fireworks - very difficult to predict how things will progress but sure to be dangerous and frightening all round. It is absolutely sensible advice to ACT NOW and to deploy those "first level" defences, like a web blocker (I use K9) and like destroying your collection and contact list. Maybe consider a "reboot" as described on the excellent yourbrainonporn website. And perhaps get your behaviours "clean" and under control.... and maybe then think about disclosure.
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  7. workinprogress added a post in a topic I hate myself for what I have done...   

    Hi Burger. Sorry to read about your situation. I expect there may be considerable pain, fear, anger and shame washing around. Having been through a similar pattern of behaviour and discovery, I think you're right to move quickly to set up the structures to help you try to get over the addiction. But please prepare yourself for what may be a long haul. Your behaviours are pretty well established and will take a lot of work to break down. Earning your partner's trust could be a lifetime project. But you've taken steps to recover control and that's absolutely moving in the right direction, so best wishes to you. Be strong. Good luck.
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  8. workinprogress added a post in a topic A year into recovery   

    Thanks for posting, guys. Hope you're both still on the road to recovery.
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  9. GMTherapist added a post in a topic I need help but dont know where   

    Well done for making the first step in trying to stop what seems like a compulsive pattern of behaviour, and for trying to salvage your marriage. Have you managed to stay stopped since posting? It can be very hard and most people need to seek help. There are many ways to get help. I would suggest you read Paula Halls book "Understanding & Treatiing Sex Addiction" for addicts and suggest your wife reads the one for partners too. Then try to get yourself onto a group program, such as Paula Halls intensive recovery courses or a 12 Step group such as SAA or SLAA. It is also worth having some one to one Counselling to better understand how you became addicted and support in your recovery. There are a number of specialist counsellors who work in this field. Find the one locally to you through the ATSAC website. 
    Good luck , Geraldine. 
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  10. Urhamas added a post in a topic New here   

    I think that some phone sex can help you with your problem, if you're shy and you can't get in touch with partners, try to talk to some girls on API and I believe that it would help you to feel more confortable in your situation. 
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  11. Burger added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    I hate myself for what I have done...
    I did add the text below as an answer to another thread, but thought I would start my own as well.
    I've been married for 14 years and I have always looked at porn, but over the last 2 years it has become steadily deeper - I've been suffering with depression and anxiety (for which I have got help for), I was viewing anything that was available, chatting in chat rooms, and, what I am most ashamed about, getting someone over to my house, we were looking at porn together while masterbating... and I my wife came home and disturbed us... I really don't know where it would have gone if she hadn't!
    I realise now that this is an addiction (which I had been denying), and I hadn't spoken about it to my therapist or anyone else!  I really wish I had!  I thought I was "back to normal", but still had this secret life which was very likely to progress even deeper!  I had been filling a void in my life with porn and chatrooms... a void that wasn't there - which I would have seen if I had been giving as much attention to my wife and kids as I was to porn and people in chatrooms.
    The trust my wife had in me has now gone, but she does understand that I have a problem and that I want and need to address it.  I've gone from feelings of total dispare and wanting to kill myself, to feelings of hope that I might be able to get better.  It's early days, together we have blocked all adult content on any web access I have, and I have contacted my Doctor who has referred me to see a proper psychaitrist now (rather than a therapist), which I hope to see ASAP.
    I have sworn to my wife that I want to get better, and I will do anything I possible can too rebuild that trust.
    Burger!
    • 1 reply
    • 146 views
  12. Burger added a post in a topic My addiction has ruined my marriage. I want to change   

    Hi Simon,
    I'm in a very similar position as you... I have always looked at porn, but over the last 2 years it has become steadily deeper - I've been suffering with depression and anxiety (for which I have got help for), I was viewing anything that was available, chatting in chat rooms, and, what I am most ashamed about, getting someone over to my house, we were looking at porn together while masterbating... and I my wife came home and disturbed us... I really don't know where it would have gone if she hadn't!
    I realise now that this is an addiction (which I had been denying), and I hadn't spoken about it to my therapist or anyone else!  I really wish I had!  I thought I was "back to normal", but still had this secret life which was very likely to progress even deeper!  I had been filling a void in my life with porn and chatrooms... a void that wasn't there - which I would have seen if I had been giving as much attention to my wife and kids as I was to porn and people in chatrooms.
    The trust my wife had in me has now gone, but she does understand that I have a problem and that I want and need to address it.  I've gone from feelings of total dispare and wanting to kill myself, to feelings of hope that I might be able to get better.  It's early days, together we have blocked all adult content on any web access I have, and I have contacted my Doctor who has referred me to see a proper psychaitrist now (rather than a therapist), which I hope to see ASAP.
    I have sworn to my wife that I want to get better, and I will do anything I possible can too rebuild that trust.
    Burger!
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  13. Simon8192 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    My addiction has ruined my marriage. I want to change
    i am a married man and have been with my wife for 18 years and we have 3 young children.
    i became addicted to porn at an early age (15 ish) and I am now 40. The addiction changed from porn to focusing on online chat rooms.
    My wife found me chatting online a number of year ago and told me that she felt it was like cheating and I should stop. I managed that briefly but fell back into bad habits.
    Over the years I have carried on chatting online despite my wife wanting me to stop. I didn't realise my wife knew what I was doing but she told me she knew, but just buried it down for the sake of our family.
    My wife reached the point of no return just before xmas and told me that our relationship is over.
    I feel so ashamed and disgusted by myself and my behaviour because I have ruined a picture perfect family life and hurt my wife and my children.
    If anyone can offer advice or thoughts on how to deal with my compulsions I would be so very grateful.
    • 3 replies
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  14. Bilbo added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    I need help but dont know where
    Hi
    I have been addicted to sexting and sending pics to various women and have recently been caught by my wife.
    I have known it wasn't the thing I should be doing but still carried on.  obviously she is devastated and very angry with me
    I am looking to find help with stopping my sexting (which I have at moment) and trying to mend out relationship
    sorry this seems disjointed but just writing as things come to mind.
     
    regards
    • 3 replies
    • 153 views
  15. PJ added a post in a topic New here   

    Hi Caron
    That can't be easy - having sexual need but not fulfilling it in a way that fits with your values.
    I would encourage you to speak to your pastor/priest - my experience is that very often they have heard it all before (and won't bat an eyelid) but most significantly the power of the secrecy and the shame is significantly reduced.  Confide in some trusted friends/family about your predicament.
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  16. HollyChr added a post in a topic Starting to learn the truth   

    I think any problem shouldn't cause a willing to drink alcohol, check http://bigessaywriter.com/blog/is-it-worth-to-start-drinking-alcohol and find some reasons wy alcohol is not the best friend!
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  17. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Hello. I think I really need help.   

    Hi Tantalus,
    my name's Ian and I am a Paula Hall Associate. reading through your honest sharing, may I share this: we use an assessment to help you and others address what s out of control and causing harm to you and to others. This isnt just a questionnaire. it allows what is troubling you to be explored and for a therapist to work with you, to your needs and goal. Sometimes, this can be about how to begin and working more psycho educationally to help address what you wish to stop of finding yourself needing to stop. As resources go there are books , specifically I would highlight Paula's book ( and whilst that may sound obvious, people  I have and work  with have found it immensely beneficial ) . there are also 12 step recovery groups ie SA SAA SLAA. We run groups too that address of weeks how to overcome something that has been a part of someones life. And we do individual work too. . Your last sentence strikes a cord with me in that a habit of safety behaviour , needs to be understood first for what is provides and does , before any individual would wish to change it. thats why none of this is ever prescriptive. finding other pleasures is all part of this, that are not causing you harm, relationship harm, impacting on work etc. addressing the risks involved in this is also central to therapy.
    here's a great video to help  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BHAREf9zmU
    there are more on http://paulahall.co.uk/resources/videos/
     
    any questions, please do ask
    best wishes
    ian
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  18. Tantalus added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Hello. I think I really need help.
    Hello,
    I have registered here after a "slip up", which may yet have disastrous consequences, has led me to consider whether I have a sex addiction I have lost control of. This is my deepest and darkest secret, and I'm terrified it's gone too far.
    I am mid-life, married, with two young kids. I was first exposed to pornography in my earliest years. My father kept a stash of soft core mags in a corner of his wardrobe and some of my earliest memories are of going to have a look whenever I was left alone upstairs. This was pre-adolescent and I must have been around 6 or 7. I just remember getting nice feelings from looking.
    I think I may have been caught as the stash was reduced to one or two, presumably my father's favourites, which I discovered after an intensive rummage. These, plus one or two additions, got me through school, puberty and adolescence. Then when I went to college I switched to mental fantasy, for fear of a stash being found by room mates.
    I met my future wife at college and, for a time, that craving was dealt with by actual physical contact. But even that wasn't enough so, with the internet in it's infancy, I discovered dial up stills. Exposure to free, secret, porn imagery became much easier as the web developed.
    All the time I've managed to keep a lid on this, waiting until my wife had gone to work or was in bed for a quick fix. After the kids came along it became harder to find time, but then smart phones and bathroom locks helped.
    I'm now in a terrible situation. I work in alone in a private office, and whenever I get lonely, bored or want a distraction the porn option is always there for comfort. This has become far more frequent as my work has grown more remote. A drastic change in financial security and increased job insecurity has made it worse. Porn is my release. My happy place.
    I've tried all sorts of moral rationalising -visualising the subject as my wife, trying to limit to soft stills rather than films, but as sex has inevitably become less frequent (kids ever present, wife ever tired, never the right time etc etc) I find myself relying on it more and more, to the point it is almost my default happy place.
    I pride myself on having no physical and limited digital traces. No files or images, nothing twisted or sordid, just the internet and incognito searches for models with my wife's characteristics. It was a quick Google search whilst inadvertently connected to my work Wi-Fi network that has led me to here. Whilst it was a single instance and quickly spotted without anything being accessed, I'm terrified it's going to be reported, identified and of any consequences that may come.
    I really don't know what to do. Whilst I have started to acknowledge I may have a serious issue, I have no real desire to suddenly cease the habit of a lifetime, especially when it is one of my few sources of pleasure in my increasingly desperate world.
    Any advice gratefully received.
    • 2 replies
    • 218 views
  19. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Lack of Understanding   

    Hi Emotionally Drained
    my name's Ian and I'm an associate with Paula Hall Associates. You're not alone with your experiences as that of a partner of a sex addict. In general, I have heard many similar stories from partners and yet for each story there are also the many unique differences in any relationship, that also need to be heard and acknowledged. Life will change for both of you after what was once secret is now uncovered to be questioned. And those changes to both of you will also be difficult within a relationship that will change , as it is also you and the relationship that needs time to heal and recover too. Empathetic and making amends to those we have caused harm to is also one of the steps and getting support in twelve step is key as well as individual work. However, for couples,  therapy with a trained sex addiction therapist is also important. Although I may say that, there are fast differences between a couple exploring the impact of an affair, to the impact of sex addiction on the relationship.  And support is there for you too. We have workshops for partners of sex addicts so you can share and work through the impact this has on an individual and the couple bond. 
    The growth you are feeling and roller coaster of emotions are very very real, but there is one central thing within this area of work and that is  you are not a co-addict in this. Co-addiction comes from AA or NA work but more research within sex addiction goes towards the belief that labelling the partner as a co-addict is damaging. Couple work may help the partners uncover more codependent behaviours but this is still not co-addiction. 
    Life without an addiction uncovers aspects of attachment to intimacy and I ask partners in couple work to explore intimacy by breaking the word down into P.R.I.S.E.; physical intimacy, relational, intellectual, sexual, emotion and emotional intimacy with self.
    Instead of tension and angst it helps to begin to explore where relational strengths exist to help support other areas of the relationship to work on, by breaking down defensive conversations that escalate into more vulnerable/listening conversations that can flow to explore the many truths existing in each unique relationship. 
    kind regards
    Ian
     
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  20. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
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  21. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  22. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  23. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  24. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
    • 0
  25. sophie added a calendar event in Community Calendar   

    6 Day Intensive Recovery Course

    Until

    This recovery programme for sex and pornography addiction has been developed specifically for the treatment of addictive and compulsive sexual behaviours. The course is unique in providing practical skills for recovery as well as exploring deeper emotional and psychological needs. It also provides an environment that overcomes the shame, isolation and secrecy that often maintain addiction.
     By the end of the course, attendees will be able to:
    Understand the biological and psychological causes of their addictionRecognise and manage triggersEstablish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recoveryIdentify and overcome potential future blocks to recoveryDevelop long term strategies for re-establishing personal integrity and a healthy lifestyle  The course is strictly limited to a maximum of 8 men and all attendees are required to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost includes lunch and refreshments, all treatment materials and a follow up day. If required, a list of local accommodation can be provided on request.
     The course facilitators are Paula Hall and Nick Turner, both of whom are trained psychotherapists who specialise in the field of sex and pornography addiction.
    • 0 comments
    • 0