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Activity Stream

  1. Hanna added a post in a topic How do I get through this?   

    Hi I have a similar situation I told my husband I did not want a marriage like this to which he replied "you have to accept me as i am" (that being both sex addict, porn addict and other multiple addictions.  I replied no I dont you need help, he said well we will get divorced so i said yes ok. We were in the process of selling our house (two weeks off completion) I said he could take anything he needed.  He said he never married to get divorced... he asked for it ??  We had a flat we were buying as a stop gap ( in my name), I said I would pay it off he could have it as his settlement.  He took everything he wanted, I rented a flat but 3 days before completion of sale it looked as if it was not going through.  My husband was telling me he was 'not doing anything' but his actions and total dissociation said differently.  Whilst I was talking to agent about possible sale not going ahead he was on computer looking for new office desk and book case, he never commented on sale issue but asked which desk he should have and complained i was not helping him enough!! What planet is he on.  He booked to go see his family the day after the initial completion date  ( to be fair this date was set for family event) so he moved out one night came home next night then moved out for 2 days.  The last time he came to the house I gave him remainder of his paperwork and told him to pick any photos he wanted, He finally asked what was happening with sale but I still was not sure so he left it that.  He never asked what I would do if it fell through etc I then asked "what happened to the man i married" - at that point he dashed out with tears running down his face.  He sat in his car outside and then text me to say 'sorry could not talk the pain was too much to bear xx'     I finally sold the house but we agreed that after selling I would pay flat off and put in his name only and I would keep remainder.  Well I never heard from him but had text 2 days ago ( which is now 6 weeks period) saying he hoped I was well and could I email copy of agreement we made (re flat and house sale monies) and let me know where we are at, thank you.  its mixed messages and all about him i think.  I have not replied as yet as not really sure how to reply.  But i do know if he does not get support I cant live with him, yes I love him but I dont like him in addict mode as he is immature ans selfish as they all are.   Like you he has told his family and friends, no one has contacted me because they dont see it, he seems so normal to everyone else.
    I dont know if he wanted a divorce or it was just another manipulation, I did not want divorce but without recovery i am better off without him even though it brakes my heart.  I too worried at first what will become of him but its his choice he knows he has multiple addictions but seems to wear it a badge to allow his bad behavior which i think is extensive but never got full disclosure.   As the weeks go by my stress is going down slowly and I am in therapy myself so taking one day at a time and will see what happens if anything, time does allow anxiety to drop a little and yes it is worrying when they are so emotionally immature how they will mange but they have to grow up.
    However its interesting that most sites/posts relating to addicts say they tend to stay with primary partner so not sure what makes an addict finally go maybe because they enjoy the addiction or are too afraid to give it up and know we have finally seen the other side of them.  None of those options give me much comfort because that translates as they prefer their addiction over you or they dont trust you enough to go through the recovery process or the constant battle in the relationship causes too much guilt or gets in the way of the addiction.
    And finally yes it hurts but without any form of recovery the hurt will only get worse so again one day at a time, its his choice and you must take car of yourself first.     
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  2. Hanna added a post in a topic Tell me what to do....   

    So sorry to here this but it sounds like he is not in recovery and certainly seeing one person once in last 5 months is not helping.   By the sound of his actions he is projecting onto you and picking up on your  'faults' to to deflect from himself.  Active addicts always have a reason to do things eg texting to check if you are checking on him.  They are always sorry when they get caught but I think that's more to do with the fear of their double life being exposed.   He sounds like he cant take any responsibility for his action...perhaps you should delay your plans for a while till he either gets into a better place or not.  This illness changes personalities and enable them to manipulate, lie and distort whilst increasing their lack of accountability and responsibility, they are emotionally immature as dont have the skills to live in reality until they go through the process of recovery.
    I am sorry if this sounds hard but that's what you are dealing with, google sex addiction, porn addiction so you are more aware of the illness and personality changes 
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  3. Hanna added a post in a topic North East   

    Hi I believe there are some 12 step groups in Leeds . look for SAA 
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  4. Paulos added a post in a topic North East   

    Anyone help please?
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  5. PhilippaAnn added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Tell me what to do....
    I posted on here about 5 months regarding my situation and there's been development which isn't easy. The first thing I want to say is that I love my partner so much and I want to help him however, my actions are making this difficult.
    We had a good month or 2 and we went away to India for a month on our summer holidays. Whilst there, he proposed to me and I said yes. However, he didn't have a ring and he hadn't asked my parents and he wanted to it "properly". So we agreed we'd make it more official later on, maybe as soon as we got back. It was my birthday soon after the trip and he bought me another trip to prague in which he told me he was going to give me the ring then. We'd since been looking at them together.
    A day or two after that, I found he'd been sexting again. I asked him to tell me straight away if it happened again. This made me quite paranoid though, I began checking his emails every day to see if he'd been using dating websites or had messages from girls etc. Its made me very anxious and I've been taking this out on him. Last Friday he said he can't stand the way I make him feel so little, and I talk to him like shit and if it didn't change he didn't think we should get engaged (Prague is two weeks away). He's annoyed I snoop on him and says the lack of trust is making him doubt whether we should get engaged or whether I love him or even like him.
    This sent me a little crazy, as I took it as a sense of rejection. I tired to "perk up" but inside I've been am anxious wreck. He has been too I guess because last Monday/Tuesday he sent up a dating website account and started texting girls again. Which I found out about through my snooping. At fist he was made at me, asking why I'd been checking, said he did it on purpose to try and catch me out at snooping. Then later he broke down and said he realises this is an issue he needs to continue to try and get help (in the last 5 months he's seen one person once).
    I then told him that i'd told a couple of girls from work and my sister that a proposal was coming and he went nuts. Said id brought it on myself if i look like a dick if he doesnt propose. He was livid at me and started having a go again about how I talk to him like shit, how I've not gotten any better in the last month etc and he didn't wanna talk about this issue anymore, he just wanted to talk about nice things and have fun instead of us always talkngi about the relationship. I said I needed support as well to deal with it and he said he didn't know what more I wanted, He then didn't wanna talk anymore and he's gone to his grandmas.
    I'm so confused. Is this his illness? SHoul;d I just try and stop talking about it. Prague is one week away and I'm so anxious. I know I need to back off but I find it incredibly hard as it makes me feel so bad too
    Someone please advise!!!
    • 1 reply
  6. Christine added a post in a topic Anger   

    The situation you are in sounds very difficult. I am wondering what support you are receiving at the moment? Violence is not acceptable in any situation and you may want to consider contacting an agency who support people who have experienced domestic abuse. The anger and intimidation and violence are not part of an addiction and cannot be justified in this way. 
    As a partner, of someone with an addiction you may also find it helpful to seek support and have therapy for yourself. So that you can talk through your own feelings and the sense of craziness you are experiencing. Not knowing where you are or where you stand and not knowing whether one day you will be loved or hurt sounds unsafe and confusing. Perhaps it will help if you consider what is right for you and what is acceptable for you. I hope you find the courage to make some decisions that are about your self care and support. Take Care Christine
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  7. Kazzy added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Hi my husband has so much anger towards me . To the point he beat me up in our honeymoon. We live apart as I can't be alone with him as everytime we talk even if it just about everyday things he get angry nasty intimidating threatening I can't seem to say a word right it been almost 18 months since I found out about his addiction from porn to fantasizing over a woman in work and staring every pretty young girl he sees . He is with saa and has been for just over a year but is still no better now then he was back then in fact I would go as far as to say his anger has got worst and I'm at my wit's end as to what to do . I still love him and understand to a point he has an illness but it the temper I can't live with and the one week he loves me the next he wants a divorce I need help I'm going crazy 
    • 1 reply
  8. Christine added a post in a topic University Dissertation on Sex Addiction...   

    Really pleased to hear that you want to look at doing some research in this area, why don't you contact Paula Hall and see whether your research could be beneficial to both yourself and her organisation. 
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  9. In despair added a post in a topic How do I get through this?   

    Also, His parents were told. They never even spoke to him about it. It seems like no one but me told him how wrong he was or showed him what he was losing. He didn’t speak to anyone about this, has had no advice. I fear that this will be a downward spiral for him. 
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  10. In despair added a post in a topic How do I get through this?   

    Hi PJ,
    Thanks for your response. He has decided to leave us, his decision. He came to the decision yesterday morning and told the children in the afternoon. They are devastated, as am I. It feels like he’s rushed the decision, Like he told the children quickly so that there was no going back. I have realised that he’s been emotionally abusing me for years, all my suspicions were correct, yet he didn’t just deny them but made me feel like I was going mad. I can’t see a way through this now, he still denies it’s an addiction and I feel like he’s just burying his head in the sand. He’s now lost everything as I can’t possibly go back on this after he so flippantly came to the decision to crash down our children’s world. I was prepared to try, even knowing it could fail but he couldn’t even do that. I can’t help the feeling that there must be something wrong with me, I know you will say, it’s all him but he’s always known what he could lose. 
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  11. PJ added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    Yiksobb - it is hell you are absolutely right.  I would recommend you get some help, you can't beat this on your own.  Have you looked for a 12 step programme somewhere?
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  12. PJ added a post in a topic How do I get through this?   

    Hi In despair
    I have this addiction, although I free from the behaviour for two and half years now.  Whilst I haven't been in a 'partner's' shoes, I have seen close up how hellish this is for partners.  It doesn't surprise me you are picking up mixed signals, addicts go through cycles - deep guilt and remorse, but at other times obsession and excitement as they start thinking about acting out again.  It is a terrible world to be stuck in - both for you and for him.  It must be made more difficult for both of you in different ways living much of the time at a distance.
    There is hope, always hope.  I am still with my partner despite my own unfaithfulness and we are on a good, if at times difficult, journey of rebuilding our marriage.  All I am saying is that it is possible (obviously many marriages do breakdown after a sex addiction becomes known by the partner).  I think for real hope though, you both need to get some help - you can't do this on your own.  He needs to plug into a 12 step programme or one of Paula Hall's courses.  There are two books, both by Paula which I would recommend - one for specifically for partners and one on sex addiction.  Both would be invaluable for you both.   I would also encourage you to confide in a friend or two to walk this rough and dirty road with you.
    Lastly, don't go soft on him.  He needs boundaries and consequences.  
    Do come back on here and give us updates.  
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  13. Paulos added a post in a topic North East   

    Thanks Christine. I am hoping to keep this as subtle as possible for obvious reasons so 6 day conferences etc are out of the question. I was hoping there might be a North East contact or meeting I might attend without giving rise to awkward questions at home. If anyone has an idea please feel free to post or pm thanks x
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  14. In despair added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    How do I get through this?
    Hi All,
    I desperately need help and advice. I have recently found out my husband has a sex addiction. He is in complete denial...At first he had the attitude that he would do what it takes to save our relationship, he still loves me, finds me attractive, we have a wonderful family together. He is working away and has now said he can’t see a way through this, he thinks it would be better for us to separate. I can see that he is ashamed and it is tearing him apart. He is sending me mixed signals all the time. Do we have any hope? Are the mixed messages due to him battling his own demons or do I accept that he means it? I want to make this work more than anything but how much more can I take? Any advice would be grateful, I just feel so confused and desperate!
    • 6 replies
  15. Christine added a post in a topic I can't stop paying for sex, getting ridiculous   

    Addictions often develop because we need to soothe (makes me feel better) and this can be because of unmet needs and issues that we are often unaware of, or because we don't feel we are 'good enough' because of what has happened to us or what has been said to us in the past. Addressing the unmet needs are an important part of addressing the behaviour and moving on into recovery. Keeping the addiction alive will reinforce the negative beliefs and keep you in the cycle of addiction. You have already shown great motivation and courage in the things you have put in place to change your life, but perhaps you need to think about getting support to deal with the unmet needs, so that you can feel better without the need to self soothe. Recovery is possible. Christine
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  16. Christine added a post in a topic North East   

    Hi Paulos
    Thanks for having the courage to look at the issue and ask for help, it takes courage to begin the process.
    It might be good, if you have not already looked to explore the other areas of the website, also consider buying the book Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction by Paula Hall. The nearest face to face support is in Sheffield via one to one therapy, we also offer one to one support online. I have attached information on the Hall Recovery Courses for your information but the intensives run in the Midlands and the 12 week courses run in London. We are looking at setting up an online course and this might be of interest to you if you are unable to travel to attend a 6 day intensive. 
    You may also find it useful to look at the following
    Hope this helps feel free to contact us for further information 
    The Hall Recovery Course Leaflet.pdf
    The Laurel Centre Leaflet.pdf
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  17. Christine added a post in a topic Need serious advice/support   

    An addiction is not a rational behaviour, which is why it often makes no sense, whenever we try to make sense of it. The escalation of behaviour and the very nature of addiction often means that lines are crossed, these lines can represent someones values, behaviours, beliefs. Part of the process of recovery is about someone reclaiming who they are and understanding their own addictive behaviour patterns. Separating out  who the person is and how the addiction has impacted them can take time and this is difficult to do when you have been hurt as a result of the behaviour. This does not excuse the behaviour or take away the hurt but it does explain the reasons at some level. Take care and look after yourself Christine
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  18. Paulos added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    North East
    I've read a lot of the posts in the forum and am in a similar situation to some. Things haven't become fractured yet in my life but everyday I'm becoming more scared of this constant urge to seek out online porn from paysites to just basically anything freely available to deal with the urge . I was wondering if there is a help group local to Newcastle or Durham set up by associates of this organisation. If not can someone reading this pm me some course of action I can take immediately to begin the road to recovery while my marriage is still good and my children still love me.
    Thanks to anyone who takes the time
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  19. bhopp added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    University Dissertation on Sex Addiction...
    Hello everyone,
    I am currently doing my university dissertation for my final year, on sex addiction and online pornography. I'm looking to understand if there is a connection due to the growing industry and commercialization of online porn, and to understand if there is a problem, how are we as a community coming together to solve the issues. 
    Part of my research and better understanding of sexual addiction and those who truly are faced with difficulties daily around this, I need to interview some individuals to ask a few questions and just put emotions to the addiction. I am hoping I may be able to find some people here who I may be able to interview? 
    Things you must know: 
    All of my research is anonymous; your name will not be in ANY part of the dissertation. I am happy to email you the questions if you are not comfortable to Skype/Facetime. I am based in London, UK so those who may be able to meet in somewhere public like a coffee shop, that would be really amazing. If you do not feel comfortable answering any of the questions, please let me know ahead of time. Please let me know if I'm not allowed to post this in the forum, I understand there may be guidelines I'm not aware of as I just signed up. 
    I am not looking to speak negatively of sexual addiction one bit, but to genuinely shed a light on the daily difficulties and actualities that people with this addiction face. I feel strongly that it is an issue that is not talked about enough, and I'm hoping my research and firsthand interviews will help me convey my better understanding to others. 
    Please reply here if you're at all interested, and we can get in touch! 
    Thanks so much,
    Bailey H.
    • 1 reply
  20. Katie added a post in a topic Need serious advice/support   

    Thank you for this response.
    its more the chatting to men about meeting etc. I just can't understand how that links to the addiction. There has to be a line somewhere. Surely. 
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  21. SophieLS added a post in a topic Need serious advice/support   

    Hi Katie
    I empathise with your situation and the loneliness / panic/ upset you must be experiencing. I'm in a relationship with a man who also has an addiction to sex lines/ chat rooms and he is working on recovery however it is a hard and long process for us both. I've learnt that some of the sexual behaviours are linked to trauma from the past.
    My partner has recently confessed more behaviours and that he has been relapsing which brought his initial confession and the rand of emotions flooding back. One thing to realises is that it is nothing to do with you not being 'good enough' - sex addiction is linked to attachment and trauma in the past. I've learnt that yes, I may contribute in my relationship in ways that may be unhelpful but we are not responsible for the other persons addiciton.
    I went to s- anon for a few sessions which helped to know there are others who are in similar positions as we end up also holding shame for this stigmatised addiction:
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  22. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    Sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate massively to this 'zone' you speak about. Man, I wish I could stop paying for sex. It is hell, it is hell. How can a mere man resist? One thing that helps me is meditating. It can really nullify angst, fear, and lust.
    I hope that no blackmail is taking place, I get angsty about this as well. Gotta find a way to quit this. 
    I am 21, I really don't want to travel down this path any longer.
    Best wishes my friend
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  23. Yiksob11 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    I can't stop paying for sex, getting ridiculous
    In a bad place right now. I just spent over £200 on sex in one day. I went to SOHO with a friend, massage parlours. I have been paying for sex for about 2 years now. I am 21, just graduated from uni. I have never been in a real relationship, only drunken flings and with escorts. It sucks. 
    I get up everyday and I try, I say 'not today'- no porn, no webcam girls, no escorts....everyday. I don't know what to do anymore. Honestly, I can see why some people just end it. I see no way out. I can't seem to stop. I will not end it. I am naïve enough to believe there is hope, that things could get better. Maybe they will. I earnt about £1500 in the summer, I blew almost all on sex. I feel so bad about myself. I pay for women to verbally humiliate me online, and that makes me feel better. 
    I simply don't have the confidence to go on holiday on my own, a better use for my money. Basically, the only person I spend time with outside of home is nuts and just wants to fuck, drink, and do drugs, but he is very funny and I get on well with him.
    I meditate, I draw, I exercise....I try not to let this bullshit swallow me up, but I think it has already digested me....sizzling
    Can a dirty dog play it straight? Seems not
    Thanks for reading
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  24. Katie added a post in a topic Need serious advice/support   

    Thank you so much for responding.
    I have listened and already understand much more about the reasons behind this addiction. 
    The problem I have is that a lot of my time is quiet time because I am currently breastfeeding, which makes the concentration on another task hard (I don't always have a book etc to hand). 
    Also, a lot of areas in my house become triggers because of where the photos weee taken/where he would go to do these secret things. 
    All advice greatly appreciated. 
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  25. Christine added a post in a topic Need serious advice/support   

    How awful for you to discover this, you are very brave to write on the forum. Right now it sounds like you are still in shock following the discovery and this will make your day to day functions very difficult. I hope your partner is able to seek help for a porn addiction, this addiction can make you behave in ways that do not represent who you really are, like all addictions they usually develop because you are trying to deal with something that causes you pain, the internet provides the opportunity to develop this addiction and before you know it your further into the addiction and wonder how you ever got their. At this moment in time you, may need to give yourself time before making any decisions about what to do or to work out how to feel, finding support through an agency who supports people with the addiction and supports partners might be the answer to getting help, so that you can make sense of the situation you find yourself in. When you have a quiet moment to yourself I wonder if it would help to have something that you can focus on that allows you time to relax without having the trigger of the images, which will cause you to feel more trauma and upset. Perhaps get a book, or have some meditations you can read to affirm who you are, your own sense of self care is vital during this time and you can take time to work out what is right for you. Take care Christine 
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