Activity Stream

Activity Stream

  1. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic In need of advice please   

    Thank you Cowslip , real words of inspiration.  You sound like a very strong woman. 
    I have visited my GP and told him (in so many words )how I was feeling because my husband has made bad choice and has affected our marriage. Neither of us actually said the words but I knew that he understood,  he advised antidepressants so that I could let my mind relax for a while and I could look at things clearly.  I agreed and have been taking them since I last posted. I have to say I am calmer and I am seeing things more clear.  I believe now that yes this had nothing to do with me and was not my fault and the biggest thing for me now is I believe I can't cure this......
    I have no intention of staying on antidepressants but for now they are keeping me sane.
    I really hope things work out for you and your husband and you can be happy again.
    Thank you again for your inspiring words, they mean a lot xxx
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  2. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Was a reasonable day but got back to my digs to find a tort letter from landlady saying she was giving me notice to move out because I was a couple of days late giving the rent.  No reference to fact that first day of month was Easter weekend and I was away, nor the fact that she hadn't even seen me.  Had she not insisted on cash I could have had a bank transfer already set up.
    Still, the house is not as clean as I first thought so I'm not worrying too much.  I should find something okay, just could do without the faff.
    I suppose this stress and annoyance could be a trigger, but I've not acted out so that's one thing.
    TODAY’S ACTIVITIES
    Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list.
    Rang fellows: Jamie B (voicemail), Nick H (vmail), Richard.  Took fellow’s calls: Ross.
    Read some pages from SAA green book. 
    TODAY’S GRATITUDE LISTGRATITUDE LIST
    Funny audiobook
    Speaking with SAA fellows
    Jammie dodgers
    Email from Josh
    New SAA group
    Nice cup of tea
    New fellows phone numbers
    Visiting a new town
    Reading
    Staying sober

    Thanks you for letting me ramble
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  3. outofwishes added a post in a topic Getting sick of jumping on the bandwagon again.   

    Not sure how much help this is, but I know that my addiction (currently I'm off the stuff, but you know...) was part of other problems in my life generally. Right now my life is crumbling around me because of where the addiction lead, but I'm convinced that I need to do more than just stop the addiction once I get to the rebuilding bit (hey, how positive am I?). I know that loneliness and depression were part of it, but I was dealing with those so that wasn't all it was. I've got to say that, over the last months, I've looked very hard at my life and the people around me and am looking at more fundamental change.
    You are very down on yourself in your post - and we pretty much all are here - so maybe look at that; I think looking at any addiction in isolation and just trying to change that behaviour, at best leads to a life of frustration and denial; it's not about not looking at porn, it's about not wanting to look at porn. Soz if that's all a bit obvious  
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  4. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Ok, it’s started, I’ve properly started with my 12 step SAA programme.
    Might be coincidence, but today has probably been my calmest day since hitting rock bottom 6 weeks and 6 days ago.
    One thing that I am starting to get an understanding of, is that I really don’t have any control or influence over the choices that my wife makes.  I know that everything here is my fault, that I have caused it, but I don’t have any power over whether she lets me see the children, whether she lets me do some jobs at home such as mowing the grass, whether she gets support from anyone, whether she sorts her access to our joint bank account… nothing is what I have influence over.
    What I can do is sort my nonsense out.  I can take steps to come to terms with my offence, I can take steps with SAA to recover from my selfish behaviours and commit to not doing them again, I can stay with therapy to find deep root causes and to manage some of the obsessions in my head.
    It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected.
    I suppose the only down side with feeling a bit buoyant is that I am bound to have a rubbish day at some point, but I hope I can ride it.
    I made calls to SAA fellows and took calls from SAA fellows today and it all really helps.  Spoke to my new sponsor too – Steve.  I think he will work me hard, but it really is all down to me.
    Had a lovely walk with Lily the dog this morning.  Out for well over an hour and a half walking across park, fields, bridleway and footpath.  She got muddy, wet and rolled in horse poop and needed one hell of a bath afterwards.  But I loved it all!

     
    TODAY’S ACTIVITIES
    Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list.
    Rang fellows: Wayne (voicemail), Kevin, Ross (vmail).  Took fellow’s calls: Alan, Simon.
    Took some time out whilst Dad played some tennis.
    Read some pages from SAA green book.  

     
    TODAY’S GRATITUDE LIST
    Cup of tea in bed from Dad (ha ha – you can tell I’m English)
    Walking Lily the dog
    Still, clear, wonderful fresh air
    Bathing Lily the dog
    Talking through the first activities of my programme with my sponsor
    Fresh cooked brunch
    Speaking with Kevin
    Taking calls from Alan and Simon
    Making a mini plan to help Simon
    Steak
    Mum and Dad’s love
    Staying sober for today
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  5. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    thanks p. 
    it feels so different actually talking about this stuff.
    I feel positive in as much as I can see hope. I know it is only a small step, but I have been physically clean for 2 weeks, I have not done that in a long time. I need to work on my definition of abstinence so thank you for that link.
    well done 
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  6. outofwishes added a post in a topic Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?   

    Many thanks for those links, PJ
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  7. pdw123 added a post in a topic confused   

    Hello confused.com
    I have asked myself the very same question.  
    I will help people cross the road, carry bags for someone, give time at my volleyball club, be generous with my money to friends & family and generally be polite, courteous and 'nice'.  
    But then there was all the acting out that escalated and escalated.  It took away my time, my money and my morals and made me irritable and unpleasant to be around.
     
    Since my 'rock bottom' moment I have been professing to anyone that will listen that I am a good person that did something bad, that the deceit and lies were a shroud that covered over me - over the good man.
    My wife on the other hand has taken a view that I am an evil, selfish person, that should have stayed a bachelor to act out my sick fantasies, that I am rotten to the core and am not a good person.
    It hurts to read my wife writing that.  It hurts to write it out again, maybe because there is truth to what she says.
    So, am I a good person with a dark shroud that covered me, or am I a bad person that had a mask showing to others?
    In reality I have no way of knowing right now.  I asked about it with my therapist.  Her take is that she has seen countless people just go through the motions when they are in my position; that I have tld her things that others wouldn't and have left myself emotionally bare to her; that she thinks I have an adddiction, that somewhere along the line my sexual obsession took a different road from what is normal and that we can overcome it.
    The best test for me is to think of the moments when I am at my most low, when I am at my most vulnerable, and what is my inner most response?:
    Who am I thinking of in a loving way?  I think of my wife and my children and how much I deeply love the.  I don't think of loving my compulsive behaviours.
    That tells me the answer - at my most inner core I am a good person because my response is to think of love, not a shameful acting out behaviour.
     
    Take it easy on yourself, you can get through the next few hours, and that's all you need to do in the immediate moment.
     
    P.
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  8. PJ added a post in a topic Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?   

    Have you looked here: https://www.nacro.org.uk/resettlement-advice-service/support-for-individuals/advice-prisoners-people-licence-sex-offenders-mappa/advice-people-convicted-sex-offences/ or http://hub.unlock.org.uk?
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  9. PJ added a post in a topic Sex addiction   

    Hi Bereket
    Can you tell us more?  What are you struggling with?  I would recommend this post that has a lot of resources: http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help/
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  10. PJ added a post in a topic 11 years of addiction, need change   

    Hi Matt
    That's great.  I would recommend you read Paula's book too.  There is also a post here [http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help/] with lots of good resources.  Read up as much as possible and feed your motivation to get out of this addiction.
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  11. PJ added a post in a topic confused   

    Hi Confused.com
    I suppose I would want to ask whether your addiction life makes you happy and builds your self-esteem.  And where is it going?
    If it doesn't make you happy etc I would do everything you can to escape from it.  I would recommend Paula's course - it enabled me to escape and get into recovery.  Well worth the money.
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  12. PJ added a post in a topic Partner's addiction has lost ME my home and job   

    Hi Kat
    Wow - that does sound absolutely terrifying.  My only comment is that it doesn't feel right that you feel you can't go to the police to bring a degree of safety to your children, home and work because he might get into trouble.......... 
    When in addiction we are selfish, in denial and manipulative.  Hence him turning on you.
    Those in addiction usually have to hit rock bottom before they go into long term recovery, maybe, maybe, this is what he needs.  The loving thing is to hold your ground, assert your boundaries, and don't take on board his accusations.  
    All strength to you.
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  13. pdw123 added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Hello Enigmajacq
    Looking at your later post first, I think you're already winning, because you know you need to work on things.  You recognise that you are hurting yourself.  A lot of my excuses and justification to myself was also along the lines of 'not illegal', 'not really hurting anyone', 'its not as bad as doing x, y or z'.  But over years things escalated to things that were illegal, I did hurt people, I did things that were bad.  I hate the situation I'm in right now, but I am determined that it will make a better me out of the back of it.
    You've probably had a non-sober day in the past.  Compare that to day.  Last time, you probably didn't recognise it as a non-sober day, you didn't feel bad at your actions, you didn't come here and tell us all about it.  You're already winning!
    Perhaps don't think about what to replace the addiction with, but replace where your triggers kick off.  If you get bored easily, maybe keep a sudoko book with you.  If you get angry easily, maybe look at starting basic mindfulness. if you get stressed, get your self a punch bag to use.
    As for you asking if I've been clean, I kept off PMO completely until I had completed my Inner Circle.  This turned out to be really important for me in my short journey so far.  My head has been telling me that anything I do (e.g. notice a pretty woman in the street) is terrible, I'm bad, so I may as well go an look at a load of porn.  That was really exhausting.  Doing the inner circle (really honestly) means I know what my definition of abstinence is about.  Some things are a bit of an amber warning, but they will get more defined later.
    It might work for you.  It will certainly give yo usomething to think about (link here for the SAA inner circle stuff - https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/)
    I didn't actually answer your question.  My 'clean' means not doing things I now have on my inner circle.  I've not done anything on my inner circle for 6 weeks and 5 days now     My head has thrown involuntary images at me that could lead me into the those things, but once I've noticed them I have tried to steer clear e.g. by reading, quick bit of exercise, reciting serenity prayer to myself.
    Hope any of my ramble helps.  Feel free to contact if you need to or want to.
    P.
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  14. pdw123 added a post in a topic I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.   

    Bit of a mundane journal for today, I'm afraid.  Now that I have a sponsor for SAA, I think logging a run-of-the-mill is going to become normal.  I'm sure it will get supplemented by some other moments of high, low and in between.

     
    Woke with a start with Lily (the Cocker Spaniel) barking like a loon.  I'm at my parents this weekend and have brought Lily over.  My wife isn't coping too well with everything as I'm out of the house and so my parents are having Lily for a while.

     
    Took her out for a long walk.  Really missed doing this, it is great to get some air in my lungs and just walk with her.  Also took my camera (just a little compact today) and took some nice pics to much about with later.

     
    Before I went out, Mum said "Don't talk to any strange men".  She has said this jokingly all my life.  She then went "oh, sorry I didn't mean anything" and was rather embarrassed.  Made me properly LOL though as she realised the different significance such a comment might now play.  I'm sure comments like that won't play any part in recovery or lack thereof.

     
    Took the opportunity to call some SAA fellows towards the end of the walk, but all voicemails.  Clearly Saturday morning is not the best tie to be making calls.  I'll have to increase my list of numbers.

     
    Mum and Dad are season ticket holders at local football team (soccer, for any US readers   I went with them today and oh my gosh what a dull game it was.  So much so that I fell asleep as soon as we got back to their house.  Annoying as it meant I missed a humdinger of a game on the TV.

     
    Was pleased to get a text from my Sister asking me for a drink.  Met up with her and had a good chat about things going on - both with her as well as me.  She said I seemed to be in a nice place (mentally) at the moment which feels about right.  Apart from the depressive feeling I get first thing in the morning and when waves of emotions come over me, generally she is right.  I've not felt like I've scowled in ages.

     
    As I said, mundane journal entry today.  Thank you for letting me ramble.

     

     
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    GRATITUDE LIST Sat 7/4/18

     
    Waking up
    Lily the dog
    Mum's amusing climb down after comment
    The woods near Mum & Dad
    The woodpecker
    Dogs running and playing together
    Pork pie
    Dad driving to football
    Michelle asking me for drink
    Attractive bar maid and no obsessing
    Listening ears of parents

     
    Read a little bit of SAA's 'Tools of Recovery' and 'The Porn Trap'

     
    Called Ross, Simon (not M), Nick H, Jamie B, Alan, Julian, Steve B - all voicemails
    Took call from Simon M
    Missed calls from Ross, Simon (not M), Steve B

     
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  15. jb1989 added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Keep trying, you have to keep trying to fight it. I watched an american actor on youtube called Terry Crews yesterday, he has chanel and a playlist dedicated to porn addiction, its two years old, but its helped me in some minor way. Hope this helps you stay on the wagon, i get back on mine tomorrow. 
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  16. jb1989 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Getting sick of jumping on the bandwagon again.
    Hey guys,   not really sure what to put here, guess i should have read other posts first. Il just type and see where it takes me. 
    So decided to start a thread and reach out to my fellow sex/porn addicts. I have over the last two days reached the dreaded (my partner) has left me stage, relationship lasted 5 years on this occasion. Prior to this, i knew i cared for her but was very confused over whether i loved my partner or not. You know how our brains work so freaking hard to push us away from the ones we love most.  I honestly thought i didn't love her,  but would say i love her to myself over and over.  My brain/the addiction constantly convinced me into thinking she's not the right one for me, or shes not the right body type or she just doesn't understand porn addiction, or she's losing too much weight or putting on too much weight, the list goes on. She eventually left me few days ago and that's that.  Now shes gone, all i can think of is the hell i have put her through and i am seeing more and more connections between my behaviours and porn and how i see woman as a whole. Its fucked from the ground up but i am determined to fight this and beat it. Prior to this week i managed to go for nearly a month without porn, was hard but currently back on the bandwagon over the last 24 hours. Day one of no porn begins tomorrow, wish me luck, need to save up for a rehab placement ideally. 
     
    Quick question while i'm here, anyone tried Hypnosis to fight this addiction we have?
    PS Sorry if my grammar is crap.
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  17. Kat added a post in a topic Partner's addiction has lost ME my home and job   

    Thanks so much for your reply. I honestly feel as if I'm living in a soap opera and just can't come to terms with the scale of what's happened. My mind keeps tricking me into thinking things aren't that bad then all of a sudden the reality of the situation hits me again.
    I think you're right in that I just need to concentrate on myself and the children for now. I have a feeling there are some serious underlying issues he's kept hidden up until now but I recognise i am not the person to help or support him right now. Unfortunately he doesn't have many other people to support him as his parents live abroad and he never seems to form close friendships. I suppose nobody can force him to get help anyway - I guess he'll only change if he wants to.
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  18. PJ added a post in a topic Time to move on?   

    Hi Cowslip.
    This is a journey - it will be right sometime to leave this forum......
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  19. PJ added a post in a topic Partner Recovery   

    Rena
    I suspect the harder road is working this through together, and whilst the stakes are higher, so are the rewards.  If you both recover/get through this - you will have a very strong relationship.  It is too probably the riskier road......
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  20. PJ added a post in a topic No improvement   

    Hi Rena
    Just read your post.  He sounds like he is in denial and that he doesn't understand how mired he is in his addiction.  If he doesn't know he needs help, it is very unlikely he will recover - addicts can't do this on their own.  
    You aren't going crazy - it sounds more like he is manipulating you by blaming you for the situation.  He is clearly not taking responsibility.
    Put your boundaries in place and don't take on his crap.  Have you read Paula's book for partners?  I would highly recommend it.  
    Best wishes.
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  21. PJ added a post in a topic How do you move on and heal   

    Hi Cheesecake.
    Addicts can be deep in denial, can be very manipulative and deceitful.  I am sorry for your sad experience.  Life can be crap at times.
    I don't have much to say, except that I hope you find the answers to your questions.  There are men out there who aren't addicted to sex, or are in long-term recovery.  I hope you find one that loves you and whom you fall in love with too.
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  22. PJ added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Hi Jem
    Sorry for the slow reply, I have been off-line for a few weeks.
    Guilt - gosh, there is a big subject.  Guilt is a very complex area and raises some really interesting questions.  I suppose I would want to dig into what sort of guilt your husband feels.  Guilt is very closely allied to shame and I am persuaded is as much a spiritual issue as it is a psychological one.
    Off the top of my head (I think it needs longer!), I think there are 3 components of resolving guilt.
    1. Repentance.  This concept is often used in religious/christian circles but one doesn't have to be spiritual to take advantage of it.  Repentance means, not just remorse but changing one's attitude and behaviour.  I wonder if, pointing this out to him and 'accepting' his repentance, might give him some relief from his guilt?
    2. Forgiveness.  Forgiveness benefits the forgiver the most.  You may have heard the maxim 'unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die'.  Whenever a wrong is committed, a debt is created which cannot be repaid/undone.  We use the concept when we use such phrases as "I will make x pay for this" or "she owes me".   Interesting the original Lord's Prayer in the gospels of Matthew and Luke use 'debt' as a metaphor for wrong doing/sin.  If you think about it, when someone does wrong against you, they take something from you - be it money, self-esteem, health etc.  Such 'debts' cannot be undone, they cannot be paid back.  Revenge doesn't give you your health back, doesn't heal your self-esteem etc.   Forgiveness is then like cancelling the debt - striking it out.  Tearing up the IOU.  Forgiveness is a process and takes a long time.  I wonder, if you are in the (long) process of forgiving him, telling him that might help - using the language of forgiveness.  It might well cause him to cry, but it might help his guilt.  The next step, once you have forgiven him, maybe for him to forgive himself.  
    3. Making amends.  In SAA - one works to make amends.  I find this very helpful.  Whilst wrongdoing can't be undone and the debt can never be repaid, yet one can demonstrate a desire to put things right, acknowledge a debt to someone or society, and make contributions back.   I suspect the best amend your husband can make to you is to actually put his life back together again, become healthy - to recover from his addiction.  The second best amend (I suspect) is to help re-build your self-esteem and your marriage.  I would encourage him to channel his guilt into making amends for the damage he has caused you and numerous others.
    I would be surprised if the above sorted it all completely but I hope it might help.  It is a long journey.....
     
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  23. PJ added a post in a topic 4 months post discovery - a partner's persceptive   

    A gentle reminder, this part of the forum is for success stories.
    PS Joshua - great point, so true.
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  24. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    I don't know how to move forward, I know I need to control my actions, but the addictive part is drawing me in again.
    I don't want to let people down.......and that includes the people I have already arranged to meet before I had the moment of realisation. My brain understands this is something the addiction is using to keep me in its grasp. Saying I don't know how to cancel those meets seems so lame.
    This may sound awful, and I'm not saying that anyone's addictive behaviours are better or worse than others, but there is a part of me that thinks that because my addictive behaviours aren't illegal, that they could be ok really.......that they aren't hurting anyone......But they are aren't they........they hurt me, they hurt the people who make the porn, they potentially hurt the partners of those I have sex with who aren't aware and probably lots of other people I can't even think about right now.
    I have nothing at all to replace this addiction with.............but even that is me lying to myself, I have a family, I have my faith, I have my work. But even with all of that I feel so alone. 
    Today I am not 'sober'. I have allowed my thoughts to turn into actions and I'm so upset with myself. So ashamed. I wasn't going to come, I wasn't going to share because I'm failing and who wants to hear about that. But then the secrecy gets hold again and the fight would be even harder.
    Wow that was a complete ramble of thoughts. I need to press submit before I delete it all and go back to the dark lonely hole where no one knows and nothing ever changes.
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  25. Florrie added a post in a topic Devastated   

    Hi Lorraine, so sorry to hear you have made this discovery. Similarly to you my husband has used sex workers and pornography for all of our married life (27years). Like you it started way before we were together, and is in part related to a traumatic childhood. It is hard to take in and as you say, continuing with ‘normal life’ seems impossible. However, we are 8 months down the road now and I would say some semblance of a new nomality is emerging. That isn’t to say that everything is rosy now, it often isn’t, and arguments seem to flare up from nowhere as a result of  ill timed statements or clumsy attempts at humour, but we are generally learning to get on in a more meaningful way than we have done in recent years. Can I suggest you look at the revovery nation website, there is lots of information there that will help you to gain some understanding of what has been going on with your husband and also gives some good insight into how it effects partners and ways for partners to move forward for themselves. There are also a series of things for couples to work on together ( whether you intend to stay together or not) which I found particularly helpful for us moving forward. Also I recommend the Paula Hall books, both for the addict and partners, they are full of useful stuff too. I know this is all a big shock, but the way I dealt with the shock was to try and understand the situation and gain as much knowledge as I could in order to make informed decisions that weren’t emotion fuelled. That is not to say that there hasn’t been lots of emotinos on display ( not a day goes by when one or the  other of us isn’t in tears over something, but I can say that it is getting easier. As they say at SAA, just take it one day at a time....
    wishing you all the best, 
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