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Activity Stream

  1. Victoria added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    Prue, I have joined the Facebook page recommended by Hanna (☺️) and it is such a wonderful support network. It has put me in touch with some wonderful ladies and we share and support each other. It’s been invaluable to me. xxx
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  2. Rob added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Again I am so sorry to hear what a difficult time you're going through. It's a huge amount to handle and I hope you can be kind to yourself and find the support you need. I worry that you blame yourself in some ways or maybe think you are making it harder for your husband. You're not to blame in any way for his behaviour and you certainly have every right to be angry or upset towards him over his behaviour. Ultimately he has to learn to get help and manage his behaviour and feelings no matter how bad his life gets, porn is not an option for coping.
    Personally, I try hard not to see myself as a bad person but instead as a good person who's done bad things. Otherwise I know I can  easily start down a path that drives me back self-loathing and to wanting to act out. For me, the test is always not so much what (bad) I have done but how I have handled it and learned from it. That is truly listening to my wife,  being emotionally honest, making amends and doing things differently. I cannot change the past and what I've done.
    When I started admitting I had a problem, I did so in part because I was terrified my wife was leaving me. That is a powerful motivator. I also thought that I could do Paula's course and then be fixed in a few months. The truth is more that I need to do this for myself (it improves the relationship as a side effect) and it is never done but instead a journey down a different life really.
    Your husband sounds in a bad place and I can connect with that. I really hope he can find some help that works for him in whatever form that is.
    Equally I really hope you can get the support and care you need at such a difficult time. I think one of the hardest things to cope with is that the person you normally turn to for support in life cannot often help and is indeed part of the problem. The shattered trust and isolation is very difficult. Again I am so sorry to hear all this, it's very sad.
    I hope as well that some of the other partners here can offer you some advice and support.
    Peace
     
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  3. Hanna added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    Prue I am so sorry you are going through this, unfortunately when thy are in addictive stage they are very selfish.  I assume its to do with fear of not being able to cope without their fix, shame that its come out and eventually denial.  All addicts are different some get help, some think they can cure themselves, some are too proud to get help.  It is devastating for partners and I am sure for the addicts themselves but  we are only guessing as it very rare to have an ex addict to answer questions.  Oh if that was only possible I thanks PJ for his honesty and so wish more would come forward but they dont, again the shame I think.
    They do blame the partner as its easier to deflect and not take responsibility but do they ever regret, I dont know especially when they leave the relationship, again ex addicts would be helpful in providing this information.  I do know you must take care of yourself first and its hard as you are dealing with the shock, grief, feelings of abandonment, not good enough etc and the loss of the future you thought you had.   There is a secret facebook page XXXposed Hearts which supports partners and helps with issues you may be feeling - its certainly very useful and will give you a forum to discuss with other partners. Pm me if you need to chat
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  4. Cowslip added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Rob's perspective and experience will probably be more useful here, but it sounds as though you and your partner are both really hurting now.  I read somewhere that one of the hardest things about this situation is that the person you would otherwise turn to for support and comfort when you are in pain, is the one who has caused the hurt.   It takes a great deal of courage to reach out to each other, but if you feel you want to stay in the relationship (or if you feel that at the moment you are not ready to make the decision whether to stay or leave) then I think that may be what you need to do.  
    Something I wrote on another post is that (although I am an atheist) I found the idea of 'hating the sin and not the sinner' was very helpful.  
    Has your partner done anything other than banned himself from the internet?  I think it would be reasonable for you to ask him what he is doing to help himself get clean and beat this.  From my partner's past experience, it seems that just going 'cold turkey' and hoping that guilt and willpower will get you through is not likely to be successful.  
    This is just from my own experience, and is not meant to be advice!  Everyone is very different.
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  5. Rosie added a post in a topic Is there hope?   

    Thank you for your responses, it turns out the relapse had been worse than I thought. He is now getting specialist therapy but I am very disillusioned feeling that his remorse and resolve to 'fix himself' is more about getting exposed and part of the 'cycle' that will soon revert to denial deception and arrogance. I'm numb after finding out my worst fears were right. This addiction is savage
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  6. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Also Rob I do fear that he could return to porn because he is feeling so low and to be honest I am not doing anything to help this. I know I can be very cold to him but can't help it, it's either be cold or say things I will regret. 
    After he stopped watching porn I noticed that he was checking out a lot more women than before. I think I found the answer to this on Your brain on porn. It told me that his brain was still seeking for the image that gave him that good feeling. Now we can't even go outside as it turns my stomach when I see him do this and he says he is afraid to look right or left. 
    I know I am probably ranting now. Thanks for your response and to be honest I could really do with any advice you can give xxx
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  7. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Hi Rob and Cowslip. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am actually in tears right now because it's the first time I have spoken to anyone about this, and to get a response from people who understand.
    I agree with almost everything you have said. I am afraid that I have made my husband out to be a bad guy when really he is a genuinely sweet person. In all our years he would always put me first and treated me like a princess, only for this you could say we were the perfect couple. I know how truly devestated he is by this but he won't go and speak to anyone because he's feels they will tear him to pieces and he has already done that to himself. It's my fear that he thinks it's all over with now because he can see the damage it's caused and he said even the thought of it discust him now, but again how do I know he is telling me the truth. 
    I do love him to bits and I know he loves me too but some days it takes all the energy I have even just to look at him not alone speak to him.
    Do any of you think it could be possible that he is truly sorry and he is over this?
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  8. Cowslip added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    So much of what you have written, Nanook75, echoes my own situation - the differences being that over our more than 40 year relationship I had been aware on a number of occasions that my partner was using pornography, and on each occasion he had promised to stop.  I think that each time he made that promise he meant it, but did not have any understanding of the fact that he had an addiction.  It was only on the last occasion (also 18 months ago now) that I basically broke down and told him our relationship was over that he seemed to wake up to the situation. I got him to read a number of websites and articles and I think it was then the light finally dawned on him.  He has told me that until then he thought he was just 'made that way' or 'a nasty piece of work'.  Now he understands how porn addiction develops and what it does to the brain, he seems much more able to combat it.
    Because of our work situation, we need to keep our internet connection, and so I decided early on that I would have to choose to trust that he would not use the internet for porn.  This has been very difficult, but part of my personal journey has been learning to stop trying to control or police his actions - this is his responsibility.
    What he has found to be helpful has been:
    Keeping talking, no matter what, and always demanding and offering honesty (even when that was painful to both of us)Recognising what made him turn to porn (stress, boredom, anxiety - there was quite a long list), and finding alternative ways of dealing with it (running, music, dog walking)Having plans in place for times when he could weaken (if he is alone in the house or away on a business trip, he plans activities which keep him busy and away from the computer and his laptop, which can be as simple as hoovering the house, or cutting the grass, or could be heading off to the cinema or meeting friends for a drink)If he is tempted, then using the RUN mantra he found in Paula's self-help guide (Remove yourself from the situation; Undistort your thinking; Never forget what you have to lose)Simplest of all - he keeps a card I sent him ages ago on his desk, right by his computer, as a reminder that this is NOT something which is unconnected to our life together (like your partner, his earlier responses were that this was somehow something separate to us as a couple).  It is a reminder that everything he does impacts on me too.Dealing with the emotional anguish, the loneliness and the overwhelming sadness of this situation is exhausting and difficult, and sometimes feels just too bloody hard, but 18 months on I am beginning to feel that there may be a future for us, and that this may be something he can beat.  I do hope that you and your partner will find a way through this that works for both of you.  Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.  Let yourself cry when you need to and scream when you want to!  
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  9. Rob added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Hello Nanook,
    I'm ever so saddened to read your story. You sound devastated and understandably so.
    It sounds like your husband has a lot of work to do, and blaming you somehow for his problems is not taking responsibility. The patterns of denial and minimisation like you've experienced are sadly common. But this doesn't mean that's ok or you have to accept it at all. His problem is his problem and not your fault in any way. He has to deal with it and it's nothing about what you do or how you treat him. Really that is tantamount to him saying "you made me do it." Really!?!! I think he has to find a different way.
    It's easy also for his guilt and self loathing to drive him paradoxically back into the porn too. That may sound crazy to you but it is in some ways the most reliable (if dysfunctional) coping mechanism he has come to rely upon in times of difficulty. That is a big risk that many addicts have to face but again he needs to learn ways of managing that. But again I will stress that this is on him and you cannot fix it or control it, only he can.
    I also find it a bit worrying that he wants to get rid of his internet access for you alone because although I can appreciate he may be very frightened of losing you (no matter what it might appear externally) he really needs I think to be getting far away from porn first and foremost for himself and his own self respect and integrity. Motivation is really critical because it's what keeps him going. Otherwise this becomes an extension of "you made me do it" that is, "and so you will fix it for me." Which is equally broken and places an impossible emotional burden on you. He must learn to take care of himself.
    Addictions create warped mindsets in those who engage in them and a lot of things he may say or do, I suspect may not seem rational or even make much sense to you. Denial, minimisation, projecting anger and deflection etc. He needs to get clean and with that I hope regain his empathy. That can happen with time and work.
    And equally it's very important I think for you to get the help and support you need too. I'm really glad you can reach out here and see you are not alone and hope you can find whatever help you need out in the real world too. Trying to bear all of this on your own is a huge thing to carry and please do not underestimate that. It is a life changing thing to discover that alters fundamentally views of relationships and trust. Living with and trying to accept the damage and rebuild is a terribly difficult thing to do, through many good days and bad. There are other partners and help out there who either know first hand or have strong experience and skill in helping you through troubled times.
    I truly hope you can both find the help and support you both need to work through this and again I am terribly saddened to hear all your upset and the hurt caused.
    Peace.
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  10. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    I have just read through all of your stories and my heart is breaking. I found out a year and a half ago that my husband had a porn addiction. We have been together for 27 years, since I was 13 and yes he is my one and only love. 
    At first it was complete denial from his side telling me that I wasn't there for him, that I worked nights and it was no big deal that most men done it. I was absolutely devastated. 
    I knew in my heart there was more to this and he wasn't being honest so i started going through his laptop and account history. What I found absolutely broke my heart.
    It wasn't now and again as he had told me, it was every day. I went back as far as 2012 and I just couldn't take any more.I  watched video after video and found a file of images also. I can't even put into words how I felt. The killing factor was that he had told me in an argument on night that he only done it whenever I turned him down which made me feel so guilty and it was my fault but after discovering the extent of him watching porn plus  I was able to find dates and times I knew this was another lie. Denial and lies.
    I approached him and told him what I had discovered. I think this was a wake up call for him. He started to admit and take accountability.  He ended up coming out of work for 2 months with depression . He deactivated his accounts and changed his phone so he had no access to Internet  and said he has done this for me. 
    I see how destroyed and guilty he feels every day. He has lost weight and it has affected his health.  I do know that he loves me but I can't seam to believe  anything he says or trust him. He has told me he has had suicidal thoughts because he could never live without me and it is making him so depressed to look at me everyday  and see how hurt I am.
    I read how some of the men here are afraid to tell their wife's and they feel so bad but only 2 nights ago I asked him did he ever think about how I would feel if I knew or if he ever thought of telling me and he said no because it ment nothing to him and he didn't think at the time he was doing anything wrong. I know that this may sound strange but I actually wish he did think of me in the 20 years, it breaks my heart. 
    Like a lot of people I have not spoken to anyone about this so finding this forum has helped greatly.  My heart goes out to everyone here xxxx
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  11. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic My Story   

    Hi everyone , 
    This is my first post here as a wife who found out in 2016 about my husband's porn addiction. After reading your post I just have to say that it was the secrecy,  lies and denial that hurt me the most. After 27 years together I felt that I didn't know the man standing in front of me. My advice is to tell your partner and hopefully ye can both work through it together. I do hope things work out for you.
    It is a year and a half later and I still can't get over the pain and it is killing both my husband and I and our marriage. I really want to post my story here but still can't bring myself to tell.
    All the best xxx
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  12. jem added a post in a topic Anyone now feel completely disconnected?   

    Hello disconnected,
    I totally understand how you feel. I have been with my husband for 28 yrs, we have 3 children, a business, a lovely close family. Then BOOM Oct 12th 2017 I discovered some very painful truths. He had three ridiculous fumbling leas-ions with staff at work (20 - 15 yrs ago) big gap with lots of porn and the desire to change, then 3 yr affair and at the same time 14 prostitutes 2014 - 2017. I thought I had the faithful husband - I am numb, in shock, totally disconnected from my friends, work colleges, even my children. I look at other people and think are you a sex addict? I have managed to contain this information to protect everyone else, including us as a couple. I do have a Paula Hall Councillor (excellent).
    We have a lot of history, kids and financial ties  and I am presently giving him and myself time to let things settle. He is committed to change and has been on a course.
    To answer your question - I probably wound move on, your relationship is in it's early stages and as hard as it is, you will probably be better off on your own, or meet somebody who is less complicated. If I knew what was ahead of me, I think I would definitely have left him at the alter! This is coming from an empathetic woman ;-)
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  13. Anon89 added a topic in Success Stories   

    4 months post discovery - a partner's persceptive
    So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery.

    I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. 

    I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple.

    I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next.
    The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too.

    I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling  (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible.

    Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. 

    Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can.

    xx
     
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  14. Prue added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    Thanks for your advice PJ and Anon, I really appreciate it. I have definitely witnessed the selfish side that you speak of. It is definitely as though the addict in him has now taken him over.
    Since I made this original post I discovered he blocked my calls and messages. I tried to reach out to call and email him to say I loved him and wanted to talk and a day later receive an email from a lawyer stating that I was not to contact him ever again and basically attempting to contact him was harrassment. It is devastating,he makes me feel like I am the worst person in the world. It is as though our whole relationship and the fact that I am the mother to his unborn daughter meant nothing to him. I can only describe his retaliation as evil as though he carries now an intense rage against me.
    I am not sure whether this rage is an attempt at damage control, to try to eradicate me from his life to protect his squeaky clean reputation. I would have thought staying even if he wasn't serious about recovery would have looked better for him in the long run than to face judgement from all his well-to-do friends and family on walking out on his pregnant wife. Not to mention involving lawyers from this early on to avoid any form of communication is going to cost us a complete fortune. His behaviour doesn't even seem remotely rational.
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  15. Anon89 added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    Hi Prue,

    I am so sorry to read about the extremely tough time you have been having recently. There is an awful lot of stress and pressure on YOU at this point in time, especially being in an emotionally vulnerable state already with your pregnancy. I would just like first of all to say the best advice I was given is to look after YOURSELF first before you worry about anything else.

    I discovered my husband's sex addiction 4 months ago, it was the most awful time and even thinking back to that time reduces me to tears. The discovery of my husband's sex addiction was very similar to yours, quite staggered over a week or so. The shock was incredible, I remember sitting there physically shaking, hearing all these things, unveiling all these things......I couldn't quite believe he was the same person I married, the man I had known and loved for 6 years. His behaviour changed instantly, he was very erratic, very defensive and very very selfish. I now realise this is extremely common for someone with an addiction and quite often they aren't ready to be found out so act this way once they have been caught out. 
    For me, this time did pass but we did have space from each other for a couple of weeks. I understand this isn't always possible but it did me the world of good having some breathing space and time to absorb what just happened to me. 

    I have done a lot of reading, research, talking to others. I'm so glad you have found this forum and a place to talk about it. It gave me so much reassurance that this is real, that other people go through this, and that some people even get through this. Everything Paula Hall offers is incredible, I bought her book (the partner's one) and read that, I now regularly go to a counsellor who is trained by Paula Hall. My husband is seeking a lot of help too, he read the book (the addict's one) and also regularly sees a counsellor (separate to mine). There are lots of groups out there as well for you both to get help, a lot of videos on youtube. There is help out there for you both, no matter what path you decide to go down. Just please please please first and foremost look after YOURSELF! Please feel free to message me anytime. xxx
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  16. PJ added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    Hi Prue
    What a sense of sadness I pick up.  What hopes are being dashed, especially with a baby on the way.
    Your question is very specific, I hope someone answers it.
    As someone who had this addiction (probably still have but not actively) I can give some reflections that might be helpful.  My first reflection is that addicts are v. selfish.  They are very focused on getting their 'needs' met and will, if they are far they are down the addiction road, go to any length to get their fix.   Much of the literature describes it as a feeling that they will die without it.  I don't remember that conscious thought but as I look back, one of the most helpful phrases was 'you won't die if you don't get it'.  There is often a sense of desperation about it.
    The other reflection is that addicts are often very conflicted.  There are almost two sides.  There is the original goodish side, and then there is the imposter addict side.  The original side often has moral values, they can genuine love, they can be loyal, devoted, selfless.  The imposter addict side is selfish, uncaring, etc. etc.
    Usually, when one is far down the road, one has to hit rock bottom for the original side to really overcome the addict side.  
    So the answer to your question is 'depends'.  It is too early to say.  I would say:
    that I agree with your friends who tell you to look after yourself.  You need to keep shoring up your dignity, self-esteem etc and find ways to soothe the pain.  Maybe get some counselling yourself?  Paula's outfit has counsellors specifically trained for partners.fix some boundaries don't beg him to come back.  Sure reach out to him, but he needs to know there are consequences.I too believe in second chances.  Maybe third chances.  But at some point you need to draw a line.
    Personally I would tell him you love him, offer him a second chance but ensure there are some consequences (my wife withdrew any sex for 90 days) and lay down some firm boundaries (him going to SAA, computer filters etc).
    I would encourage you to read Paula's book on addiction and her one written specifically for partners. 
    Hope that helps.
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  17. Victoria added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    I gave my partner a second chance. He blew it and I’m glad it’s all over and I can move on. Yes it hurts, like hell at times. But I had to remove myself from more harms way. X
     
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  18. Victoria added a post in a topic Anyone now feel completely disconnected?   

    Hi, I gradually felt disconnected from my husband in our marriage through the pain I felt. Eventually I left because I was able to, as my feelings had diminished considerably.
     
    That is not my sex addict partner. I didn’t have the power/strength to stay. But, if I had, I think the same would’ve happened. My mind seems to go into self protection mode, if that makes sense. 
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  19. PJ added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Thank you Victoria.  Not sure how to respond - I would have to credit my Higher Power and my wife.
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  20. Rob added a post in a topic Tell parents?   

    That feeling of guilt I can relate strongly to. For me, I think it's attached to the shame and it takes a long time to diminish. But working to let go of that and forgive yourself is well worth working at. Because otherwise it's easy for those feelings to drive you back to wanting to act out. In some ways is it part of the cycle but you are free of that now and can look forward to better things. Everyone does things in life they regret or feel bad about, some bigger than others. You know better now than you did then, in so many ways.
    From the guys I know and see regularly (and my own personal experience), I think it is quite common to want to disclose to unburden yourself - a kind of confession to get all those things out that you have been keeping in and particularly might be ashamed of. I believe personally that's a good thing for an addict to have a safe place to be really honest without judgement. But absolutely critical is who you are honest with and who you tell. If you can share with a therapist or support group then these people in my experience can really help that unburdening process during recovery - you need a safe place to get this stuff out and explore it, to understand it and make sense of it. Those people in a suitable environment are the right set of people to do that with. However, doing that with people unprepared for it or with close personal relationships is a very different thing that requires much more careful thought and consideration because it's so easy to hurt and harm, create more problems or unburden yourself at the other person's expense. This is why I think it's important to ask why always and examine your own motives.
    I think the key thing is you keep up the good work on yourself with your recovery. If your parents or others can help with tangible things then asking for that kind of help is the responsible thing to do. If instead you feel like you more need a place to share then perhaps finding somewhere else is more appropriate for that.
    Peace
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  21. Victoria added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    PJ,
    I think your posts are wonderful. You have empathy in abundance and have such a good soul.
    Your words are so good for people on here, from both sides.
    Keep it up, recognise and celebrate just how good you are and well you are doing.
    All the very best to you and your wife.
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  22. Victoria added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Oh Vava,
    My partner also formed at least one relationship with another woman, I saw a Text where she felt that she’d been used. Yes, it’s more heartbreaking to me than the porn, sexts, hook ups with men.
    I’ve pondered over this a lot and that’s fuel for me sticking to my decision. We, all of us, have been betrayed so absolutely! 💔 
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  23. Victoria added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Hi Vava and Janey,
    Oh gosh. What a mess.
    At this moment in time I’m managing to remain strong and keep to my decision. I’m expecting a shift in this feeling because I’m no longer feeling angry, I’m feeling quite disconnected. I’m scared of what my emotions are going to do next.
    Unlike the two of you, I have no contact with him now. My choice, but I’m constantly thinking of him still. I honestly don’t know what he’s really going through or if he’s taking this as serious as necessary for a proper recovery. I’m in the dark. But I chose to be and it’s easier for me that way. I tried to remain in contact but that was something that felt so, so destructive to me. I’m very scared of being in contact for this very reason. 
    He had his hooks in me so deeply and I can’t put myself through that again.
    This feeling I have at the moment feels complacent, detached, even good, but I’m worried that it’s temporary.
    I so hope it’s not.
    Vava, I think you need to realise whether or not your husband is committed. I also think you need to seek counselling to work out what it is you feel you can cope with in your future.
    x
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  24. Vava added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Thank you Janey and thank you Vicky. 
    In many ways i dont feel alone but in one way i do. I read here about men struggling with porn, visiting sex workers, massage parlours and I get that this is addiction and that it is treatable. What happened to me was that my husband betrayed my love as well as body by forming relationship with one of his sex partners. He has been in recovery for the last six months but continued sexting and chating to this girl. He says they only met up ones since discovery last year, and only for a chat but he admits that his feelings towards her are strong. I just cant see this as sex addiction, this is just an affair and i feel so rejected. I really thought we got through this last year and reached new level of intimacy in our relationship just before Christmas;  he was so affectionate and loving towards me. But all along he also was being loving towards this girl in his texts which i found later. Its been three weeks since i moved out and i am struggling to see future together. How do i get over such betrayal? I was prepared to stand by him while he is fighting addiction but I am too heartbroken to watch him loving someone else, even though he says that relationship is over now and he wants to work on our marriage. 
    PJ's answers have helped me too, thank you PJ. I do have a lot of admiration for people who open up themselves, to whom honesty is more important than consequences. And i am teribly sad that my husband has never reached such place. I've made every discovery myself and my trust is crushed completely.
    Wishing you all an inner peace that surpasses all understanding. 
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  25. Janey36 added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Vava
    You are not alone, you don't have to face this without others who understand how you're feeling even if we don't all understand the dynamics of addiction.
    This is a good place to find support, have a rant or just see that there is always someone in a similar situation to your own that have managed to find a coping mechanism or even turn their lives around.
    You hang in there.
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