Activity Stream

Activity Stream

  1. PJ added a topic in Success Stories   

    A year into recovery
    12 months ago I was about to go on a Recovery Intensive with Paula.  I had been exposed to porn from the age of 9 or 10, struggled with compulsive masturbation since puberty, compulsively watched internet pornography wasting hours most weeks and started visiting sex workers over the previous 4 years.  
    9 months previous to going on the course I began to come to my senses - that I needed help and that the road I was on was leading me down into greater risk and ultimately destruction.  I came across Paula and went into counselling in January.  She was keen for me to go onto the intensive course but I wasn't ready, and to be honest a bit sceptical.  
    The counselling was helpful, but the residential intensive was life-changing.  On it I got to the point of desperation, committing myself to doing whatever it takes to get free from this destructive addiction - even to the point of deciding to tell my wife who had no knowledge of what I was up it.  The course empowered me to make different choices.
    I could write so much about the journey over the last year.  It has been incredibly difficult and challenging - at the same time it has felt good, so good - to be doing the right thing, living in honesty, being out of the bubble and being emotionally present to my wife.  It is possible, if you are desperate, to escape the slavery of this addiction - but you can't do it on your own.
    • 4 replies
    • 1,229 views
  2. PJ added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    Hi M
    I am recovering from the addiction, pretty much free since going on an intensive with Paula a year ago.
    A few thoughts from the addicts/man's side.
    1. You are no muppet.  Addicts are very skilled at keeping things secret.  They do that because they hate what they are doing, it makes them feel awful, they don't know where to go for help, think they can manage it, go back to it when they feel down or defeated and it carries on.  Many don't want to hurt their spouses and so keep it secret, thereby unwittingly reinforcing the addiction cycle.  You are no muppet - you have been deceived by someone who has become very good at deception.  
    2. My wife, didn't know anything until I told her - at that point I had not 'acted out' for a month having made a clean break on Paula's course.  She was totally devastated and disorientated.  She helped herself (and me) by being uncompromising.  She set some clear boundaries - she kicked me out of the bed, and would have kicked me out of the house if circumstances had allowed, for a couple of weeks (and it would have been for longer if it hadn't been for the kids etc), and forbid any idea of sex for 3 months.  She took off her wedding ring etc.  The signals were clear and uncompromising.   
    3. We talked lots and lots.  She read lots and lots, got help from forums etc - you aren't alone and will find a whole community out there who has been/are in the same situation as you.  She found a counsellor for partners (through Paula) who gave her some good advice.  We began a journey and we are a year in.  One thing that really helped was radical honesty.
    4. This is not your fault.  Sure none of us our perfect and no marriage is perfect, but many in similar situations others don't turn to inappropriate/secret sex to comfort themselves and he didn't need to either, he had other options and choices.  He took the wrong ones.
    5. There is hope.  You and your marriage can survive.  You are on a journey.  We are a year in and in many ways our marriage is better than it has ever been - for many reasons but probably one of the main ones was that before I was emotionally absent and had been most if not all of our marriage.  I am not now.
    I hope that helps.
     
    • 0
  3. Muppet added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    HI
    I realise I was very low yesterday - so sorry for spilling over
    - the good news is that hubby has taken his first steps to getting help so that is very positive and I am encouraged by his attitude at wanting to get this fixed once and for all
    - hopefully looking at the reasons behind the addiction will be the key here and that is what this website is all about - changing the thought patterns re this horrible subject and addiction to it....things are already making sense to him now (ie why he does/did it) and this will definitely help him to give it up which I am confident he can now do with more help of course.
    Thank you for this supportive site - it has really helped us, small steps I know but hopefully all positive ones...
    Muppet
    • 0
  4. Muppet added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    HI E
    Thank you for your response, sorry you are going through it too..
    All that you say makes sense and I have done some research myself and hubby and I have spoken about the future. Of course this is very hard but as you say the decision to quit has to come from him (which is what he is saying right now, yes he will quit) but I don't think it will be as easy as he thinks it will - like all men they don't really want to face big issues, especially when it involves them. But some credit to my hubby who is trying to do something about this problem and that has to be a good start, even talking about it is hard for him
    I am going to insist he speaks to a professional though as I can't be his sounding board over this and I think a male needs to talk to a male. I don't think I will do that for me though - once I know where this is all going I will either be in or be out of this marriage and if it ends with me being out then sobeit.
    I don't know about the future - as I say - everything seems so surreal at the moment and I am nervous and anxious and under pressure with all this - coping just about and because he had an emotional affair a year or so back with a work colleague (linked to the addiction of course - which I didn't know was linked at the time but do know now after having done more research into this addiction) - we worked through that problem and I thought were doing very well ! (hence the muppet name) because I then got hit with this on top - a double whammy....more lies and deceit - so horrible
    So he is very much on a dodgy wicket now as I sincerely have had enough of being treated so disrespectfully and as I type this I am realising just how much cr..p I have had to deal with by his hand but my marriage vows say 'for better or worse' and an addict needs help I guess - so depending on the direction of the wind the pendulum swings back and forth - I guess at some point in the future something will give or not and things will improve or not
     Thank you for your advice 
    Muppet
     
     
     
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  5. E added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    Hi there. I'm so sorry you are finding out after such a long time. But you are certainly not a muppet!
    I am going through a similar thing right now and again, found out (having suspected for a long time) and confronted him a few months ago, but it didn't stop. Now i have discovered he carried on, got caught yet again, he has finally admitted there is a problem when 3 months ago, he used every excuse in the book including "well it was over between us anyway" or "I just dont believe in monogamy" etc. Ultimately one thing I know is sure: this is not my fault. This is not your fault either.
    Its my understanding, from all the research I have done into partners going through this, that there is nothing you can say or do to change the behaviours, ultimatums don't work and the only way this can move forward now is for him to accept his problem and actually do something about it, get some help as soon as possible. You can't force an addict to change, only they can decide.
    For your own part, you need to be selfish and either take yourself away for a while, or if not possible, ask him to. If neither of those are possible, at least focus on yourself now. Constantly checking on him, being anxious all the time can only serve to make things worse. For me, we are having a 3 month break whilst he gets some help. Its left me in a massive financial hole, but its better than living like I was, feeling isolated and constantly nervous. Some days it doesn't feel that way, but one day at a time.
    It might be an idea to seek some counselling for yourself. It really helps. Only you can decide what is right for you and your future. But it takes some time to figure that out and what your boundaries are going forward.
    E
     
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  6. Muppet added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Overwhelmed
    Hi
     
    New to all this
    - have given him the ultimate - divorce if you don't stop - of course he wants to stop, is he addicted I suppose (I don't know but it has been going on FOR A LONG TIME)
    - after 33 years and 25 years married together - MUPPET that is me it seems - I knew things were wrong and constantly asked him but he would never admit but now I have found proof and only then did he admit - how horrible is that - years of him doing it and me unsure thinking things were not quite right between us and swinging between that and what a lovely hubby he was (all so false to me now, my whole married life seems to have been so false and based upon a lie) everything is so surreal.....
    and now finally he has HAD to admit and he made ME SAY THE WORDS - I am devastated, any advice would help right now
    Thanks
     
    • 6 replies
    • 894 views
  7. E added a post in a topic E   

    Thanks for your response.
    That is likely very true and as time goes on I recognise that its not about intentionally hurting someone. But I think even when the problem is recognised and acknowledged, spoken about at length with a compassion plucked from the depths of love and care for the person with the problem, despite the pain involved, its so hard to then be shouted at, called malicious,  called stupid etc just because there is now a label attached to it, which seems to serve as an excuse to carry on that behaviour. I guess there is no controlling it or stopping it, just because it has been spoken about out loud. I was  naive to think it would suddenly would make any significant difference!
    Baby steps, one step at a time but hopefully a step in the right direction, at least.
     
     
     
    • 0
  8. D added a post in a topic E   

    Hi E, I 100% understand why you question the validity of his sex addiction. I guess you can never know for sure of anything in life, but I am 100% sure that sex addicts are selfish, and prioritise their own needs over others (hence struggle to think of others) as they are crucial elements to maintaining addiction. D
    • 0
  9. E added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    E
    I am currently struggling between the idea that my partner has a level of sex addiction, versus a feeling that he is just having his cake and eating it. He is unable to communicate his feelings much of the time and I am left with a sense of despair and feel it is time I talked to someone outside of our relationship about what all this means. He has to some extent acknowledged the problem, but seems hellbent on sabotaging any help he has so far sought (CBT course, counselling). Each time he starts to seek help, he will at the same time further the behaviour he is seeking to get help for! And around we go.
    I am feeling increasingly isolated and unable to separate out those feelings of inadequacy that his constant cheating gives me from a non-emotionally driven reaction and understanding. How can one be sure that someone is an addict and not just someone selfish and lacking in thought for others?!
    • 2 replies
    • 741 views
  10. Paula Hall added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Someone who understands
    Hi All,
    Welcome to our forum where we aim to give support and advice, not just to people with addiction, but to partners as well.  We understand how totally devastating it is to discover your partner is addicted to sex or pornography.  The shock can feel almost completely overwhelming.  Please do use these boards as a source of support.  As well as responding to others, our moderators and therapist team are also here to help you. 
    • 0 replies
    • 656 views
  11. Paula Hall added a topic in Success Stories   

    It works!!
    I thought I'd start this thread off with some feedback from one of our recent intensives. 
    "Having struggled with this addiction for over 20 years, I now for the first time feel confident that recovery is possible. Previous counselling and support, both professional and non-professional, hasn't enabled me to understand the causes of this addiction or provided time with the tools I need to recover. This time it feels completely different - a complete change in my understanding which I know will lead to a complete change in my life"
    • 0 replies
    • 852 views
  12. Paula Hall added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Welcome
    Hi all,
    Just wanted to say a warm welcome to everyone who comes to look at our new forum.  If you've got a question about sex or porn addiction, please do ask it here.  This forum is for everyone and anyone looking for help and support. If you see a question that you can help with, please feel free to respond.  In addition, the boards will be checked by our team of therapists and also by our moderator team and we will endeavour to do all we can to answer any question you have. 
    • 2 replies
    • 788 views
  13. Paula Hall added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    PLEASE READ - Do’s & Don'ts / Disclaimer / T&C's
    Forum Do’s & Don’ts  
     
    Do respect others, even if they have a different opinion or approach to you
    Do support each other, in successes and failures
    Do be positive and encouraging
    Do share your experiences, good and bad
    Do remember that recovery is a journey and people are in different places
    Do signpost people to other sources of information and support 
    Do be careful of triggers and look after yourself
     
    Don’t discuss specific porn/sex sites or sexual behaviours – this could be triggering to others
    Don’t talk in detail about acting out behaviours
    Don’t criticise others or use sarcasm 
    Don’t call people names
    Don’t talk about other’s posts outside of a recovery environment
    Don’t act like you know the answer unless you do
     
    Disclaimer 
    This forum is for information only and views expressed by forum members, including therapists, are their own responsibility and do not necessarily reflect the views of Paula Hall & Associates. We reserve the right to edit or delete posts if they fail to comply with the rules of the forum or if they are deemed to be inflammatory, illegal, seditious, malicious or slanderous in nature.  
     
    REGISTER 
    You agree, through your use of this forum, that you will abide by the Do’s & Don’ts; and not post any material which is false, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane,  threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, adult material, or otherwise in violation of any International or UK law. You also agree not to post any copyrighted material unless you own the copyright or you have written consent from the owner of the copyrighted material. Spam, flooding, advertisements, chain letters, pyramid schemes, and solicitations are also forbidden on this forum.
    Note that it is impossible for the staff or the owners of this forum to confirm the validity of posts. Please remember that we do not actively monitor the posted messages, and as such, are not responsible for the content contained within. We do not warrant the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information presented. The posted messages express the views of the author, and not necessarily the views of this forum, its staff, its subsidiaries, or this forum's owner. Anyone who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to notify an administrator or moderator of this forum immediately. The staff and the owner of this forum reserve the right to remove, edit, move or close any content, within a reasonable time frame, if they determine that removal is necessary. This is a manual process, however, please realize that they may not be able to remove or edit particular messages immediately. This policy applies to member profile information as well.
    You remain solely responsible for the content of your posted messages. Furthermore, you agree to indemnify and hold harmless the owners of this forum, any related websites to this forum, its staff, and its subsidiaries. The owners of this forum also reserve the right to reveal your identity (or any other related information collected on this service) in the event of a formal complaint or legal action arising from any situation caused by your use of this forum.
    You have the ability, as you register, to choose your username. We advise that you keep the name appropriate. With this user account you are about to register, you agree to never give your password out to another person except an administrator, for your protection and for validity reasons. You also agree to NEVER use another person's account for any reason.  We also HIGHLY recommend you use a complex and unique password for your account, to prevent account theft.
    After you register and login to this forum, it will be your responsibility to present clean and accurate profile information. Any information the forum owner or staff determines to be inaccurate or vulgar in nature will be removed, with or without prior notice. Appropriate sanctions may be applicable.
    Please note that with each post, your IP address is recorded, in the event that you need to be banned from this forum or your ISP contacted. This will only happen in the event of a major violation of this agreement.
    Also note that the software places a cookie, a text file containing bits of information (such as your username and password), in your browser's cache. This is ONLY used to keep you logged in/out. The software does not collect or send any other form of information to your computer.
    I ACCEPT THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT
    • 0 replies
    • 1,125 views
  14. Paula Hall added a topic in Success Stories   

    PLEASE READ - Do’s & Don'ts / Disclaimer / T&C's
    Forum Do’s & Don’ts  
    Do respect others, even if they have a different opinion or approach to you
    Do support each other, in successes and failures
    Do be positive and encouraging
    Do share your experiences, good and bad
    Do remember that recovery is a journey and people are in different places
    Do signpost people to other sources of information and support 
    Do be careful of triggers and look after yourself
     
    Don’t discuss specific porn/sex sites or sexual behaviours – this could be triggering to others
    Don’t talk in detail about acting out behaviours
    Don’t criticise others or use sarcasm 
    Don’t call people names
    Don’t talk about other’s posts outside of a recovery environment
    Don’t act like you know the answer unless you do
    Disclaimer 
    This forum is for information only and views expressed by forum members, including therapists, are their own responsibility and do not necessarily reflect the views of Paula Hall & Associates. We reserve the right to edit or delete posts if they fail to comply with the rules of the forum or if they are deemed to be inflammatory, illegal, seditious, malicious or slanderous in nature.  
    REGISTER 
    You agree, through your use of this forum, that you will abide by the Do’s & Don’ts; and not post any material which is false, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane,  threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, adult material, or otherwise in violation of any International or UK law. You also agree not to post any copyrighted material unless you own the copyright or you have written consent from the owner of the copyrighted material. Spam, flooding, advertisements, chain letters, pyramid schemes, and solicitations are also forbidden on this forum.
    Note that it is impossible for the staff or the owners of this forum to confirm the validity of posts. Please remember that we do not actively monitor the posted messages, and as such, are not responsible for the content contained within. We do not warrant the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information presented. The posted messages express the views of the author, and not necessarily the views of this forum, its staff, its subsidiaries, or this forum's owner. Anyone who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to notify an administrator or moderator of this forum immediately. The staff and the owner of this forum reserve the right to remove, edit, move or close any content, within a reasonable time frame, if they determine that removal is necessary. This is a manual process, however, please realize that they may not be able to remove or edit particular messages immediately. This policy applies to member profile information as well.
    You remain solely responsible for the content of your posted messages. Furthermore, you agree to indemnify and hold harmless the owners of this forum, any related websites to this forum, its staff, and its subsidiaries. The owners of this forum also reserve the right to reveal your identity (or any other related information collected on this service) in the event of a formal complaint or legal action arising from any situation caused by your use of this forum.
    You have the ability, as you register, to choose your username. We advise that you keep the name appropriate. With this user account you are about to register, you agree to never give your password out to another person except an administrator, for your protection and for validity reasons. You also agree to NEVER use another person's account for any reason.  We also HIGHLY recommend you use a complex and unique password for your account, to prevent account theft.
    After you register and login to this forum, it will be your responsibility to present clean and accurate profile information. Any information the forum owner or staff determines to be inaccurate or vulgar in nature will be removed, with or without prior notice. Appropriate sanctions may be applicable.
    Please note that with each post, your IP address is recorded, in the event that you need to be banned from this forum or your ISP contacted. This will only happen in the event of a major violation of this agreement.
    Also note that the software places a cookie, a text file containing bits of information (such as your username and password), in your browser's cache. This is ONLY used to keep you logged in/out. The software does not collect or send any other form of information to your computer.
    I ACCEPT THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT
    • 0 replies
    • 915 views
  15. Paula Hall added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    PLEASE READ - Do’s & Don'ts / Disclaimer / T&C's
    Forum Do’s & Don’ts  
     
    Do respect others, even if they have a different opinion or approach to you
    Do support each other, in successes and failures
    Do be positive and encouraging
    Do share your experiences, good and bad
    Do remember that recovery is a journey and people are in different places
    Do signpost people to other sources of information and support 
    Do be careful of triggers and look after yourself
     
    Don’t discuss specific porn/sex sites or sexual behaviours – this could be triggering to others
    Don’t talk in detail about acting out behaviours
    Don’t criticise others or use sarcasm 
    Don’t call people names
    Don’t talk about other’s posts outside of a recovery environment
    Don’t act like you know the answer unless you do
     
     
    Disclaimer 
     
    This forum is for information only and views expressed by forum members, including therapists, are their own responsibility and do not necessarily reflect the views of Paula Hall & Associates. We reserve the right to edit or delete posts if they fail to comply with the rules of the forum or if they are deemed to be inflammatory, illegal, seditious, malicious or slanderous in nature.  
     
     
    REGISTER
     
    You agree, through your use of this forum, that you will abide by the Do’s & Don’ts; and not post any material which is false, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane,  threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, adult material, or otherwise in violation of any International or UK law. You also agree not to post any copyrighted material unless you own the copyright or you have written consent from the owner of the copyrighted material. Spam, flooding, advertisements, chain letters, pyramid schemes, and solicitations are also forbidden on this forum.
    Note that it is impossible for the staff or the owners of this forum to confirm the validity of posts. Please remember that we do not actively monitor the posted messages, and as such, are not responsible for the content contained within. We do not warrant the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information presented. The posted messages express the views of the author, and not necessarily the views of this forum, its staff, its subsidiaries, or this forum's owner. Anyone who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to notify an administrator or moderator of this forum immediately. The staff and the owner of this forum reserve the right to remove, edit, move or close any content, within a reasonable time frame, if they determine that removal is necessary. This is a manual process, however, please realize that they may not be able to remove or edit particular messages immediately. This policy applies to member profile information as well.
    You remain solely responsible for the content of your posted messages. Furthermore, you agree to indemnify and hold harmless the owners of this forum, any related websites to this forum, its staff, and its subsidiaries. The owners of this forum also reserve the right to reveal your identity (or any other related information collected on this service) in the event of a formal complaint or legal action arising from any situation caused by your use of this forum.
    You have the ability, as you register, to choose your username. We advise that you keep the name appropriate. With this user account you are about to register, you agree to never give your password out to another person except an administrator, for your protection and for validity reasons. You also agree to NEVER use another person's account for any reason.  We also HIGHLY recommend you use a complex and unique password for your account, to prevent account theft.
    After you register and login to this forum, it will be your responsibility to present clean and accurate profile information. Any information the forum owner or staff determines to be inaccurate or vulgar in nature will be removed, with or without prior notice. Appropriate sanctions may be applicable.
    Please note that with each post, your IP address is recorded, in the event that you need to be banned from this forum or your ISP contacted. This will only happen in the event of a major violation of this agreement.
    Also note that the software places a cookie, a text file containing bits of information (such as your username and password), in your browser's cache. This is ONLY used to keep you logged in/out. The software does not collect or send any other form of information to your computer.
    I ACCEPT THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT
    • 0 replies
    • 1,672 views