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Activity Stream

  1. PhilippaAnn added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past 3 and a bit years. Last April I found a lot of messages on his phone and ever since we’ve had lots of problems. He’s been very sneaky with his phone, denied ever texting any girls (to the point where he called me crazy and asked if I’d imagined them), really had a go at me for not trusting him. This has gone on for the past year with various stuff and different situations.
    Today I’ve found out he’s been sleeping with another girl. He denied it vehemently at first but eventually has broken down to me. He’s told me that he can’t stop watching porn and masturbating. He told me that he has slept with this girl. He told me that his is continually texting girls off porn websites, or dating websites, and has been doing since we got together. He said it’s for instant gratification. He cried a lot down the phone, said he hates himself and that he wants to get “better”.
    I’m in a state of shock. He sounds like a desperate man who needs help. He said he’s sick of living this double life and always worried about me looking at his phone or going on his computer (to which now I look back, he has always been extremely weird about me being near his phone or computer). On the other hand I’ve been treated like absolute shit for the last 3 years with him making me feel so guilty for not trusting him. It’s so important that he’s trusted. He’s now said it’s because if I trust him, then I won’t look at his phone, then he can relax. I’ve asked him if he still wants to be in a relationship with me and that if he doesn’t or needs time alone then he needs to take it. He’s told me he does.
    I’m not sure what to do for the best to help him? Part of me wants to tell him to sod off as he’s treated me so badly but the other part is desperate for him not to feel so low.
    Can you please advise on what’s the best way forward to get him some help? Do I need to back off? Is it awful that I'm disgusted with him? And now questioning every time we have sex and what he feels with me?!!!
    • 4 replies
  2. Tortoise added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Hi AtWitsEnd,
    You are NOT alone! And when you said...
    "...unlike most people, I don't get a hardon and then think "I need to masturbate" - I have usually had a session because I was bored."
    .....let me tell you, you are definitely NOT the only one who does this. I use P and masturbation as an escape from everyday situations I think I can't handle, so it is very common for me to seek out the feeling of getting aroused, having a hard-on etc, without having those thoughts "naturally"; I would see porn as a "quick-fix" way to get to that place of escape. I still do when I slip. I'm sure I'm not the only one who would say this. We understand here on this forum. 

    I also worry about self-disciplne. I am alone in the house often while my wife is out, and the opportunity based triggers are very real.
    Have you read The Kick Start pdf and the other resources here and on the Paula hall site? If not please check them out, and look at the courses available. I think you will find parallels between the advice given and your situation.   
    On Monday Tuesday and today I slipped. Before that I was 13 days clean, and before that, another period of being clean, punctuated with slips. But I want to move on, as we all do. The point is, I realise now that I can, that while a slip is not what one wants, that it is part of recovery. Trying to learn from one's mistakes. If you have not yet, please read Rob's answer to my first post, above. He makes some excellent points and has good insights (and puts in more eloquently than I could  ). As do 10 and Workinprogress

    Indeed, all of the repiles and other posts here have have many truths and insights in them that I can relate to my situation and use, to fight on. So I'm sure, and I hope that is true for you AtWitsEnd. 
    To those of you who have shared already, Workinprogress, 10 and Rob, thanks again for having the courage to share and offer your thoughts. And to anyone else reading this going through anything similar, we are NOT alone. You are not alone.
    And you're not hijacking the thread, you're reaching out. Please post more often! 

    Take care everyone, keep fighting!

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  3. EDD added a post in a topic Empathy deficiency sindrome   

    I asked myself why do I feel sick when empathising with what she needs.
    I felt that she does not openly reward me. She feels grateful inside but does not seem to have a need to express it.
    Unfortunately I am very trade-in person, I evaluate what I achieve by how much I get back which in this case it feels like I am getting nothing.
    Furthermore she wants to tuck herself inside me and grow. This scares me because of my fear that it would annihilate me, wipe me out of existence, leave me like a rotten tree in the roots of a new tree.
    Obviously I would still be somewhere, I would just have to shine through her.
    Which does not seem to be the worst case scenario when I think about it.
    Thanks everyone who read this and let me tap into their collective subconscious to solve this.
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  4. Patty added a post in a topic I should've known better   

    Big hugs my world collapsed three weeks ago in the same way - not just the internet but internet sex leading on to meeting other woman PM me if you want too you are not the only one in this nightmare xx  PS we were getting married this year too
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  5. Patty added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    I am so sorry - this is a mirror image of what  happened to me three weeks ago - big hugs - PM me if you want - you are not the only one in the middle of a nightmare
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  6. EDD added a post in a topic Empathy deficiency sindrome   

    I just realised, that empathy is the only reason why humans can feel anything from watching porn.
    How is empathy used in watching porn different from empathy in real sexual relationship? 
    P.S. Moderators, could you change the title of my post to 'Empathy Deficiency Disorder' not syndrome? I don't  know were the 'syndrome' came from. The term is disorder. E.D.D.
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  7. AtWitsEnd added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    What a good post! I found myself nodding to a lot of the points (how fantastic to feel that at least one other person is going through what you're going through).
    I'm in the process of being divorced by my wife. Three years ago she found out about my nasty internet habit, which had been going on for at least 15 years. I sought psychotherapy, which was absolutely useless: the two people I went to didn't appear to have any relevant experience or empathy for my situation (which my current psychotherapist, who is very good, described as bog-standard). I started going to SAA meetings, and whilst it was a bit reliant on the Higher Power for my comfort, I found the generosity and concern shown by others who went there was truly humbling. I attended for about four months, before I felt that I was strong enough to survive on my own. Two and a half years later, she tells me she's divorcing me for what she discovered in the first place. We never explicitly talked about it (story of our marriage) but I assumed that if we got that far, she was willing to stand by me. It turned out not. She had trouble believing I'd been sober in the intervening period (I had - she just assumed I'd lie, which wasn't unreasonable. My addiction seems to carry that nasty habit with it) although I had. We're still living together as we can't sell the house with our two teenage children.
    After that, it didn't take long for me to slip back into bad habits, and although three times I deleted anything I might have collected, I still gave in to the temptation. Finally I was outed again, and I have COMPLETELY alienated my daughter (who had warned me that we were through if I did that stuff again), my wife thinks I am disgusting and has no sympathy. It's only my son who flips between complete hostility and being tenderly concerned.
    I am unusual in that since I developed a prostate condition fifteen years ago, I have been unable to get an erection without external stimuli. Initially this was magazines, then, of course, the Internet. As my stiffy problem got worse and worse, it took more and more extreme sources (and conversations) to get off. Thing is, unlike most people, I don't get a hardon and then think "I need to masturbate" - I have usually had a session because I was bored. I think my libido had a part in this, but it was nothing like when I was younger (I'm in my early 60s). My new psychotherapist suggested that I simply go celibate, which was a bit of a shock, but why not? If I don't have an erection which needs attention, why not concentrate on techniques and strategies (remapping the brain) to make sure I don't do it again?
    I'm shortly about to move into a one-bed flat, and I'm terrified that if I have no policing, I'll get into worse and permanent trouble. I had to finish a new six month relationship this morning, which was really hard and I absolutely doted on her, and I saw her as my way out of this (she has no idea about my sex problems, and no we hadn't had sex yet - Viagra seems to have some effect) and my psychotherapist told me unequivocally to end it, as the relationship was built on a lie, so I have done.
    I'm feeling pretty low at the moment, but a little better for unloading. I'm sorry if I've rather hijacked this thread
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  8. EDD added a post in a topic New here   

    Holy fathers also write that you have to take care and nurture you body as it is vessel of your soul. Taking care of it does not hurt the soul. Images do. Don't blame your body for your unhappiness. Treat it well so your love can shine outside you. Just remove the images from the exercise as they are the actual problem.
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  9. EDD added a post in a topic New here   

    Try satisfying yourself without watching porn. When you do that, concentrate on what you feel physically instead of imagining and chasing arousing scenes in your head. Turn it into purely mechanical thing separating from the self-destructing and anti-christian addiction. You CAN satisfy yourself without committing a sin. Shoot the priest who convinces you otherwise.
    Christ said, you have to love others like you love yourself. I would like put emphasis on yourself here. Christ does not want you to hate people around you the way you hate yourself. Deal with it.
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  10. EDD added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Empathy deficiency sindrome
    After marriage I noticed that my stomach turns upside down whenever I feel empathy during or about sex. I turned to porn soon (watching porn does not require empathy) and been a porn addict for following 20 years until my wife just left me 5 month ago. Since then I have stopped watching and jerking off on porn, slowed down on alcohol (0.5-1.5 pints a day) and things are getting better. I have started to go to gym. Business is doing well.
    Yeah, I became a 'silent' alcoholic few years ago too, drinking 10-20 units in various alcohols 'to relax' every night while being able to work during the day at the same time.
    But the sex and empathy thing has not changed. When I mentioned these two words in one sentence to her last time when I dropped kids off after a weekend, she halted me. She could not listen to that either. She might have co-dependency on this.
    I can feel both empathy and sympathy and this problem of sex and empathy has lured over me like a scary void during our whole relationship. It grew into constant anger, denial of my and her feelings. Only recently when I started to have more time to spend alone, I started to pay attention to it and try and analyse it.
    I avoid and resent empathy in sex at all cost. I feel like an un-trusty oyster requiring a putty knife to pry open it. 
    I understand a sexual dominance could be a role play but being stuck with it as I am, seems a bit odd. Although as child I was hammering toys which did not 'work as I want' against floor and was being terrified left alone even for few hours. The feeling of void about empathy in sex feels connected to fear of being left alone. But it does not make sense. When I was contemplating on the anger separately I had a vision of me tucked in a winter coat on a crisp sunny winter day out secure, calm and happy at age when I still remember adults being as giants tall as 5 story buildings with their knees at the level of your eyes. Also does not make sense.
    Sorry to throw this on you but where do I start? It is all like a shuttered glass in my head. She hasn't found anyone else yet. I do love her when she does not require compassion.
    • 2 replies
  11. Usernameistaken added a post in a topic Absolutely broken hearted   

    I told a few people in the hope it would force me to leave him - I'm completely aware he doesn't deserve me but something has kept me here. It gets easier but I will never ever ever trust him. I'd always given him a lot of freedom, never really questioned him, let him come and go as he pleases, I had no doubt whatsoever the guy would always do the right thing and then BOOM I saw all those texts and realised he had never really been just mine. Absolutely heartbreaking.
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  12. Tortoise added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Thanks Rob, Workinprogress and 10. I agree, I get strength from knowing there's other out there struggling and fighting on. 
    So many good points as before. I would really like to respond to them all right now, but I am super busy with a work/studying project the deadline for which is Monday. Yikes! The good thing about that is that for the last 6 days, (inc. today) I have been clean. Yes. 
    The 5 days previous to that, different story. 1 slip every day of those 5 days. But as you say Rob and 10 positivity is the key. I fell, but i got back up, dusted myself down and am carrying on while trying to live for each day and stay busy!

    So much more to say, but must go and study. I just wanted to check in. Also because I am alone in the house right now, so if this was a day when I was not on my guard, force of habit and that devious neural reward pathway would be working away at my rationale, trying to get me to slip. But today, it ain't gonna happen.   And beacuse of that, tomorrow will be easier.

    I hope this doesn't come across as selfish that I have not offered either discussion or words of advice or support directly to the three of you, but instead have talked about me solely. This is simply becasue it's quicker for me to speak about my situation, as I know it so well  so I hope that in lieu of proper discussion from me, what I've said helps in some way. I'm tired from insufficient sleep, so I fear I would ramble and make not as much sense as you guys deserve to see. 
    Stay strong, we are not alone! 

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  13. Alicrumble added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    I should've known better
    So there I was tidying in the bedroom... his wallet fell on the floor and out popped 3 tickets . I looked at them and was somewhat taken aback " naturist " was worded on one card. I didn't put them back. I didn't tell him that I found them . But I did some research and discovered they were swingers clubs! 3 different ones! Attended one a week after the proposal to marry me! I am hopping mad but decided not to confront but to make subtle suggestions to " if you need to tell me anything before we get married nows the time" - nothing. Ok a bit more loaded. Do you need to tell me something? - nothing. " ok we need to talk because I can't marry you unless you tell the truth" - the penny dropped. He said " it's nothing to worry about• I knew that meant there was a lot to worry about. So he confessed in dribs and drabs. I can't believe how calm I was. Mindfulness helped. I felt I could help him ( that's me all over - idiot) get help. Then I just knew he wasn't telling me everything. So I called his bluff and said he needs to tell me everything because I know! I knew from his eyes he was in blind panic. He had been seeing another woman regularly for swinging and been to her house been to other couples houses. ... not just voyeurs full on participation. I felt sick. This is not the same person I fell in love with. We had a good sex life . I love sex . In fact he started having erectile problems and now I think I know why. He wore it out! I felt that was the final straw. I stayed downstairs and cried and got angry and obvs no sleep so started reading things. I decided to try counselling. I fixed him up but struggled to find for me. I have had this with me before confrontation for a good month and have not sold a soul! It's been so difficult. But I have now got an appointment for Monday. I have no idea if the relationship is savable. He is away on business. He wants me to track him he says he's glad he's been caught. Ironically ( he says) he had stopped and hadn't seen the woman for over a month! Not that I believe a word that spews out of his mouth at present. How did I know nothing!! I was the other woman 9 years ago! ( he lied and told me he was separated initially- Why was I so trusting the writing was on the wall! ) I want to confront the other woman because she knows about me . She might tell me a bullshit story he told me in the beginning. How his wife bullied him and had no sex blah blah... he's a serial adulterer. His first wife ran off with someone else? Or did she? ( I would be wife no 3 ) I have no idea who this alter ego is! My life has been turned upside down. It took 8 years to trust again. My previous partner was addicted to alcohol and violent. I wasted best part of 20 years trying to save him and that didn't end well. So here I am again. What kinda fool am I? So sad for us not him i dont know him.i feel bereft!
    • 2 replies
  14. Alicrumble added a post in a topic Absolutely broken hearted   

    My fiancé has begged me not to cancel the wedding in 4 months! He is getting help but it seems like most people on here I had no idea until I found those cards. Wasn't really looking wasn't suspicious in anyway. He works away a lot has another place to stay when he's working late ... never had concerns but I was the other woman 9 years ago. Why was I so trusting. It's been going on the whole time. I've told no one 
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  15. Alicrumble added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    I haven't told anyone. I don't want either of us to be judged. That's why I'm going to a counsellor. I discovered membership cards to swingers clubs and lie after lie just kept spilling out even now I don't think I know everything. I need to be sure I do so that whatever decision I make will be based on full facts. I can't stand the thought of marrying him forgiving him only to discover there was more. I'm getting a prenup that's for sure if I stay!
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  16. Alicrumble added a post in a topic How to make a distinction   

    Me too. I'm reading Paula's book the patrners perspective and it is helping. I am going to see a therapist on Monday. He is going on Thursday. I found him for him. He doesn't know I'm going. My whole world has fallen apart. We're supposed to be getting married in 4 months. So make my mind up time is a bit limited!
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  17. Alicrumble added a post in a topic Is there light at the end of the tunnel?   

    I am new on here and already I'm doing what I always do. Trying to help. I may get in trouble for saying this but it really is NEVER OK for there to be violence. You maybe able to contact a refuge depending where you are to help you escape. I lived with dv for 20 years and just when I thought my life was going so well with a wedding planned in August The bombshell dropped. I don't have much money but my mental health ATM is paramount to enable me to cope. If you can pay his phone bills please find the money to get help. It could be a long time saving in the end . Good luck x
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  18. NWB added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
    Hi all, just came across this site and thought I would post . 
    Gay guy here, not that it really matters because addiction does not discriminate , all it does is create a trail of  chaos , trauma and dispair. Although my partners addiction is not new, his thing is sex chat lines.  I try to be compassionate, but find it hard to be all hearts and rainbows as he certainly shows none of that me.
    The rage, and  anger I feel is sometimes scary , which has often reached boiling point we we are physically attacking each other , but the loneliness and isolation is unbareable . I try to explore ways to get out , but I can never manage to find the courage , plus financially this is not an option and ultimately we share a strong bond , and love each other uncondionally . 
    I have always excepted it , and tried to be patient , and enabled him to use the phone for sex , accepting he needs to do this , then this leaves me feeling guilty and I ask myself have I made this worse. But the debts are just silly, 2 phone contracts in my name, both now with debt collectors to the sum of about £3000, plus several BT accounts that have been disconnection , credit cards bills, I could go on and on . However even the debts racking up don't seem bother him . With a combined debt management plan of £26,000 ( not all addiction ) Just this week alone, he has topped up the pay as you to the sum of £80, plus £140 on premium numbers . The usuall response is if we had sex more he would not need to do it , so guess it's all my fault .  ( I have a very low sex drive)
    I have been looking for any support groups , or 1-1 help , for myself , but unless one is in a great financial position to pay for private therapy , there is no light , just further darkness. 
    • 1 reply
  19. workinprogress added a post in a topic shame   

    Far from alone, ha, like Rob says. Your explanation reads very similar to the one I could have written a few years back. I wish that I'd been brave enough to come clean, instead of always needing to be caught out. That always made me feel even more of an arsehole. Not sure it would have made things any better for my SO or for myself, with benefit of hindsight. Maybe focus first on getting yourself clean for a spell, and then when your brain's not clogged with fog, and you can think straight, consider what you want to disclose?
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  20. workinprogress added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Good luck on your journey, Tortoise... and to you, 10. The addictive behaviour is a tough thing to fight but you're taking the right steps. Hopefully at the same time as resisting the damaging, compulsive, behaviours, you can find time to look at some of the underlying issues that may be causing you to self-soothe through sex and porn use.
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  21. Rob added a post in a topic shame   

    You should know you're not alone in struggling with this problem and it is very difficult. I found it easy to get stuck in a vicious cycle where I'd act out, get angry and ashamed of myself and then so act out more to try and hide. Obviously this is a self destructive pattern. The key is finding ways to break it and so things differently.
    I'd recommend most of all that each time you slip up, you learn and understand why and then what things you can do differently in future. Otherwise the pattern keeps going. You have to find things that work for you.
    I think for partners, it's very tough on them. My wife feels isolated and rejected. So if I told her when I slipped or was tempted then I think that would be hurtful. I find it's easier for me to be accountable to guys in my group instead. It's very good you're being honest though - I had a big tendency to hide my behaviour. So being open is a good first step.
    Sorting this out and growing from it requires a lot of learning and self exploration which is a process. There's a lot of material out there both on the Internet and in books that has helped me a lot but required a lot from me to actively work on. The urges don't go away by themselves but can be managed and controlled over time while you build a better life.
    For me, a real life support group has been essential - I tried to stop on my own before without success and really need the help and insight of others.
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  22. ha added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    hi im new on here and looking for some help and advice
    im trying to stop my addiction and struggling the worst part is every time i slip up i want to tell my partner but cant bring myself to tell her. then she finds out and is obviously angry i never told her. i just cant get past that barrier of shame and fear of losing her to tell her it before she finds out. i used to automatically deny it when confronted then come clean later when pressed. iv got better at that and admitted straight off when last found out. i wanted to tell her but couldn't say it  and kept putting it off and then it was to late. 
    • 2 replies
  23. Patty added a post in a topic How to make a distinction   

    My world has just come crashing down in a similar way - sending you a hug x
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  24. Patty added a post in a topic I Just Need To Vent   

    Just sending you a virtual cuddle xx
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  25. Nomore added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    Thank you sad lady for your kind words. It really helps. I'm going to see a close friend today who I can confide in. It's so hard carrying on as normal for the sake of the children when in reality I feel like screaming.
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