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  1. Prue added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    Thank you for all your replies. I really appreciate the advice, yet it is so hard accepting this is completely out of my hands. With him out the door there is nothing I can say or do. I have no idea what he is doing or what he is thinking. Does anyone know much about using a professional intervention to get people into seeking help? I believe my husband is at the point where he has pretty much thrown in everything that was important to him in his life with exception of his job for this addiction, that really he is at the point of needing inpatient treatment. If this isn’t close to rock bottom for him then I don’t know what is?
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  2. Realitycheck added a post in a topic My porn addiction   

    I would like to wish you good luck on your journey to a healthier and happier life.  👍 
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  3. Vlf808791 added a post in a topic My porn addiction   

    (Day 1)
    Over the years ive come realise that certain things can make me weak in will and 'horned up'. These are alcohol and believe it or not coffee. i will have to cut these out if i am to stand any chance of quitting PMO. a hangover and a cup of coffee leads to PMO pretty much everytime. All strong will disapears and  hornyness goes through the roof. i believe coffee triggers the reptile part of the brain, triggering a stress response. it is this part of the brain that deals with sexual behaviours, as far as it is concerned, if it feels endangered it will force us to have sex to keep the overall species from becoming exstinct. A PMO will be seen as sex as far as the reptile is concerned-you will have succeded in keeping the species alive. this part of the brain is very powerful, it WILL trump the conscious brain, hence why we struggle to quit this sort of addiction.
    I am no expert on this, and there is obviously a lot more to P addiction, i am just adding this as food for thought as it took years for me to realise i was being triggered by something as simple as forms of drink. it may not be an issue for most but it definatly triggers me
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  4. Vlf808791 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    My porn addiction
    Hi, im new here and after reading many posts i thought it would be a good idea to document my daily battles with this addiction and how i am dealing with it. i will be using this thread as a form of motivation for myself as well as others. my thoughts are that by posting my battle on here, it will give me an added push to not fail for those reading it. i will be 100% truthful, this will also be useful to me as i am too embarressed to talk about this with anyone, my partner, friends, family, dr etc. this is a lonely battle for me of which ive carried around with me for a very long time., pouring my thoughts out to here is my way of getting it out.
     
    i will try to be as succint as possible with all my posts, but this part may be long as it is where i 'think' my addiction came from, i will be leaving out as much as possible still, only posting parts of most importance.
     
    From an early age (i forget how old, maybe 5) i was made aware that my brother had died, and that it had been decided by my parents that they would not be having anymore children. i was too young to of known him, so i felt no loss but over the years i was made aware slowly of how traumatic this was for my parents. being an only child didnt bother me at first but over the years it did start to make me sad.
     
    a deeply traumatic experience was heading my way, my mother and father started to go on nights out drinking a few years after the death of my brother, and would leave me to be looked after by my mothers friends children. this was at first the daughter who was great, but then the brother who was not very nice. we shared a double bed one night where he proceeded to try and get me to perform sexual acts. this was just talk, but he was trying to get into my head saying that 'this is norma', 'everyone does it' etc. this had the effect of leaving me very scared and confused. i kept this to myself, maybe if id had a brother....? who knows, i could of spoken to him. i did however, due to fear tell my mother and her friend that i would prefer the daughter to look after me. this did happen the next time but after waking early in the morning i decided to walk around the house as i was bored. i must  of woken the brother who ran into the room i was in out of nowhere and pushed me down onto the settee. he then proceeded to rub himself up against my body until the inevitable happened...i can remember feeling horrific after this happened and struggled to process it. also, i felt completly on my own in a strange house with no one to come and rescue me. again, i kept this to myself, only stating a further time that i did not ever want to stop there again. i never did stop there again, but the nights out continued and a different person was used to look after me who thankfully was brilliant. i will state, as much as i have issues with my parents, i was generally well looked after and any timei mentioned that i didnt want something to happen, i was listened too.
     
    Another similar incident occured when i was around 7/8 ish with a friend, who one day invited me to his house to look at his star wars toys. this was a ploy to get me into his room where he began asking me to perform acts on him. i managed to get out after what seemed like hours without anything physical happening, but again i was left feeling extremely confused and lonely. i did not tell anyone what had happened.
     
    i loved my mum and dad as any young child does, but one morning i walked into my parents bedroom (my father was away at the time), to find another man in my mums bed. my mum tried to push me out quickly as she was by the door but because of how a mirror was placed i was able to see what was around the corner. looking back i think i started to act numb, not knowing what do with what was happening around me. i feel this is where i started to try and block things out. i did not tell anyone what i had seen.
     
    over the years i encountered more things of which i was made to feel 'a little bit unloved'. my mother and father didnt have great upbringings and i feel this is why i feel they behaved as they did, so i get that its not really their fault. as mentioned previously, i was generally looked after well, the one thing missing was love. they then spilt up and my father moved away, which meant only occasional visits from then on. my mum proceeded to bring a different man home reguarly. this was very hard to deal with, as i just wanted my mum and dad back again.
     
    from an early age of being left alone whilst they went out and without anyone around i began to masterbate after encountering pictures. i must of been around 9/10 years old and i have had an unhealthy obsession with it ever since. The longest i have managed to go without is 3 weeks and i am now 40 years old. i realised 100% that i had a problem in 2004, i have been trying to stop since then. i have also been with 2 prostitutes from when i was about 19 but never since. it has caused me so many problems over the years, for example, after acting out my mood drops, i become depressed, withdrawn, angry etc. it is a massive issue for me, writing this already makes me feel better though as i have hidden this all my life, so here goes....
     
    this is day1.
     
     
     
     
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  5. Florrie added a post in a topic Red flags   

    Hi, I have just read your post and feel for you. Have you tried couple therapy? It might be helpful in establishing clear boundaries and maybe draw up a accountability contract. It might also be helpful for you to off load some of you anger to see a counsellor on your own.  This is a really long and winding road isn’t it? I am six month down the road and still feel like I am on the big emotional roller coaster - just when I think things are stabilising, something else happens to push me back to anger.
    whatever you do, be kind to yourself and keep looking after your own needs first.
     
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  6. Florrie added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Telling grown up children about SA?
    Hi, I wonder if anybody has any experience to share about talking to grown up children about partner’s SA? I discovered my partners addiction last September, and to be honest I went into ‘crisis managment’ Mode. Found all the info I could, sought an appropriate councillor for him and he went to SAA. It was only after full disclosure in November that I went into shock and felt devastated by what I heard. I understand that this addiction predates me (we have been married for 26 years), and is not related to me in any way, but I am still finding it difficult to come to terms with all this. We have two children aged 25 and 22, neither live at home. So far they know nothing of what is going on (although they are not stupid and probably have some idea that something is amiss). What they have been told is that my partner was repeatedly sexually abused as a child and that he is in therapy to deal with resulting issues. However, since the new year I have been signed off from work with stress related issues. I am studying for a PhD and both children think I am off with stress relating to my studies. (THis makes sense as I had big difficulties with my supervisor and decided to complain and get somebody new - all of which happened in December ). We have been discussing telling them the truth, as it doesn’t feel right that I should be covering up for his addiction in this way. However, the thought of telling them and potentially shattering their good relationship with their father makes me feel physically sick. I worry particularly for my daughter who I think idolises her father, and she has just come out of therapy for anxiety, is about to move abroad for six months as part of her training at work and is just getting herself into a good place. Our son is at uni doing a Masters course and I don’t want to rock the boat for him either(although I believe he is in an emotionally stable place. So my question is, do we tell, when should we do it and how? Any advice/personal experience of this would be welcome. 
    Sorry for long winded post! 
    Thanks for reading
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  7. Realitycheck added a post in a topic Struggling to trust again   

    Aww Judith, I can really hear where you're coming from about the family unit.  I am the same background and this tears me apart. My partner was in my mind perfect father until all this has turned our family apart.  The strain of going through this with kids at all never mind really young kids makes it all the more heartbreaking and also difficult to find the time to meet your needs for recovery. It's hard to not get angry as well when your so exhausted. I would have liked to have done the course for partners but my youngest is just a baby and it would have meant leaving her for days to attend.  I would have loved to have met real people going through the same torment like my partner has been able to. I really struggle with anniversaries and birthdays, any annual events that we would naturally reflect on that are tainted with painful memories. I try to push on and enjoy them though as much as possible because this horrible thing has taken so much already.  We definitely need to try and let go of the stuff that after all wasn't our doing and strive to make life as good as we can for ourselves. Wishing you well. 
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  8. Judith added a post in a topic Struggling to trust again   

    Wow. Thanks Worthyhope- that’s really helped put things in perspective for me. I do need to focus on my recovery, on me. 
    I’m going to try to remember that when I’m angry and disillusioned. 
    Forgiveness is somethinng I give myself not him. 
    Powerful stuff. Thank you. 
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  9. Phil added a post in a topic New Here, My Story   

    Thanks Rob for your detailed reply.  It does help a lot just sharing this with people who understand.  I need to give a lot more thought to how to proceed from here and your advice will be invaluable.  I'm sorry you had such a tough time.  It's funny, why is such shame attached to something so many of us do?  All to do with societal norms I guess, a whole other story!
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  10. Rob added a post in a topic New Here, My Story   

    Hello Phil,
    I think you're very brave and honest coming here and laying out your fears. Not a lot of guys do that and wait until things really explode or they get caught before they try to make a change. Thinking through the consequences and what you can lose can be a very powerful motivator and I think it's a kindness to yourself to be thinking like that. It's a courageous thing to ask for help because it's not easy to do yet really vital to living a happier life. You're definitely not alone with these struggles.
    I can connect a lot with your background, growing up and not seeing porn as a problem. I have a similar story about how I got started and the guys I know do also. I would use pornography and masturbation to self-sooth when times were difficult or I was stressed, anxious or all sorts of stuff. Often though, in the moment I'd find it hard to recognise and identify those feelings. And directly, like you,  I didn't suffer from ED or other problems you hear about. So there wasn't outwardly anything that really was "wrong" - at least on the surface... For me, the issue was more around feeling compelled to look at porn and not being comfortable with that or really even feeling in control of myself. That was the root of it. I didn't want to feel pulled in the way I did/do to porn, not being in charge of my thoughts and body. After being clean for some time, I started to realise the more subtle effects it had on how I viewed women (and how women viewed me). I am/was also a "nice guy" (a whole topic there!) and would have great trouble crossing the boundary from my head fantasies into reality that would stop me. But other guys are different though, that's just me.
    Another thing you touch on is not feeling like porn is a bad or outright negative thing in your life. There is no moral judgement here - whether porn is good or bad, helps peoples sex lives or ruins them, or whatever, is neither here nor there to me. All I know is that I personally cannot handle it sensibly and it is very detrimental to my mental state if I start looking at it and masturbating to it even more so. I think of it rather like gambling or alcohol - some people can pick it up and put it down at will but for others it creates a huge problems. It's my relationship with porn that I know is a bad thing for me, not porn itself. I just need to stay away from it to keep my life and mental state in good order.
    I think the hiding of the behaviour is tough too and can easily lead to shame. I thought for a long time, I was the only person who had this problem and in many ways I didn't want to think of it any other way. It's that feeling that I was constantly having to hide part of myself from everyone, even my wife and closest friends. And that plays heavily into the feelings of loneliness that you astutely talk about. You sound like a very sensitive guy who is aware of the effects and has thought about it - I wasn't so savvy and I had to get my head buried in a lot deeper for a lot longer. I've heard addictions even being referred to as "diseases of loneliness" and for me this is something that resonates strongly. I know when I used to use porn, I would isolate myself from friends and family to a huge degree, physically and emotionally. Trying to rebuild intimate and honest relationships with people has been part of recovery for me and that's much easier when you don't feel like you have hide part of yourself, particularly bits which you may feel vulnerable sharing. But equally finding safe people to open to is a tricky thing too - that's where I think help groups were very beneficial to me personally.
    To me, you're treating your experience with nearly being caught in the right way - as a wake up call. The consequences are terrifying but it doesn't have to be like that and you can change and be different.
    I'd like to encourage you to spend some time understanding things better and more background. Then you can hopefully identify where you are and how to take it further to get help:

    Paula runs group sessions which I found a good way of working through this. There are also other groups like SLAA too which are worth checking out. Similarly you might want to consider one-on-one therapy with a counsellor to help answer some questions and work through it. Whatever works - there's no hard and fast right or wrong here, it's just about you getting to a better place and knowing there is help out there.
    It's really important to remember you're not alone and do not have to work through this on your own. In fact, I would go so far to say as one of the biggest causes of failure for me was to try and do it all alone (and nearly everyone tries it this way too so don't feel bad about that). I can tell you from personal experience that is both a depressing and fruitless path that I dearly hope you don't have to experience.
    Thank you again for sharing your experiences here and being brave enough to write it all out - I know it's not easy and I really hope things can improve for you.
    Peace.
     
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  11. Phil added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    New Here, My Story
    Hi.  I've read through some of the stories here and it's so sad reading what these addictions can do to people's lives.  Thanks so much to the wonderful people who have started this service.  I am hoping that by posting my story it will help me understand my situation better and, a trouble shared is a trouble halved as they say.  If there is any way I can help others I'd like to.
    I have used porn since around the age of 12, graduating from borrowing my Dad's magazines (they were never hidden away but they would always go back in the same position as I would have been so embarrassed) to buying my own , then of course the internet.  I have never seen it as an addiction or really a problem, more something I do, whether in or out of a relationship.  It's a great stress buster, an escape from reality, though I have done it whether reality has been good or bad..  Some here have said it has made them view women as sex objects.  I have never seen it that way, I have the greatest respect for women and deplore violence of any kind.  The only porn I like is that where the woman is clearly enjoying it, preferably home made rather than because she is being paid.  I could never pay for sex.  I can use up to 6 times a day but unlike others have never found it to cause problems with sex with my long term partner other than perhaps wishing for certain things she may not be into.  I feel however that those are desires naturally in me rather than brought about by what I view.
    I think loneliness has a lot to do with it. I have lots of 'friends' but nobody close other than my partner of many years, not even family.   She has known I have used porn but we don't really discuss it. Porn doesn't interest her.  I sometimes wish it did.   Our sex life is good and frequent so why I have to do anything else is something I have never really understood, I just have strong urges to do so.  These urges come whenever I am alone.  I am a nice person who would never want to hurt anybody and anybody knowing me would probably be shocked.
    I work on my own as a plumber and I know it's wrong but if the house is empty I will sometimes use my phone.  I have always seen this as harmless although I'm sure the owners would be horrified.  It is simply because that is where I happen to be alone in private and the urge takes over..  I would never violate their property in any way and am very respectful, I wouldn't even sit in a chair and certainly not a bed, it's just a thing between me and what I am viewing.   This brings me to my current worry which is eating me up.  I am convinced a customer heard me recently.  I thought the house was empty but I'm now doubtful it was.  I feel so ashamed.  I am so terrified this will be all over town and could destroy everything, all for a stupid ten minutes in my tea break.  Can you imagine what other clients will think, knowing they have left me in their home in the past?  All sorts of scenarios would go through their heads, all wrong but of course the imagination will run riot.  Now, every time I see somebody I wonder if they know.  I am becoming paranoid and it's eating me up.  I'm getting panic attacks and it's horrible.  I'm praying I was wrong.   A word of advice if anybody else does this.  Stop now, the heartache isn't worth it.
    • 3 replies
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  12. Realitycheck added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Red flags
    Like most who've been here,  I have experienced the worst living hell this past eighteen months trying to cope with impact of my partners addiction. I have a few questions :
    If your partner is in recovery, after six months of therapy including the intensive course and the UPN day should they still be finding it difficult to express empathy?
    If your partner still has trouble with the truth, ie not being completely transparent with the email accounts they hold, not making effort to obtain bill for phone that is still on contract but no longer in use(?), (he may well have ordered a secret replacement for all I know) is this a clear indication they are not in true recovery or have relapsed?
    What would you think if they claim to be in recovery but they still have to ask you what  'falling on your sword', 'owning your shit' or 'manning up' entails?  
    I have tried so hard to keep a lid on my emotions but I really don't know that I can go on with someone who has caused so much pain in my life yet continues to be so emotionally unavailable. He has basically told me this is who he is, he's just not good at expressing it, like I need to accept that. 
    He is no longer with us in the house and I fear for all of our future. I have three children, one at uni and one is a baby.  I just don't know what's next? 
     
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  13. Victoria added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    So, so sad. I’ve let my ex down. I couldn’t be there to support him. I just couldn’t. I had to put myself and my children (not his) first. I think of him regularly, whether he is in recovery or not. Our last messages, he said he wants to get better through SAA and that he hopes we can reconcile in the future. It broke my heart to ask him to stop messaging me. I know I’m not strong enough for that life. But I’ll always feel like I’ve let him down. 
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  14. Victoria added a post in a topic The love of my life has destroyed me   

    My heart breaks for you. You are not naive and it’s nothing to do with your age. I’m 46 and have recently left my SA partner. The pain of being without them is unbearable but it does get easier. I know what’s right for me. Weigh up a future with him against a future without him maybe. He needs to take his addiction more seriously than everything. And you need to think of yourself, I’m not saying not to think of him, I know it’s heartbreaking watching someone you love struggle with their addiction and who they are, but you have to put yourself first. Thinking of you and I’m so sorry you need to be here xxx Vicky. 
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  15. Christine added a post in a topic Do you ever know if you have the full story?   

    Hi
    The drip drip of disclosure and discovery is very painful and hurtful and it is important to allow yourself time, it is often difficult to make decisions when we are confused. Perhaps looking at the choices and talking though the pain and confusion are helpful to do with the counsellor. You have the option of considering a therapeutic disclosure which may help address the 'what you feel you need to know now,' it may also help you to think though the moving forward. Allow yourself time and when you are ready, the right to make a decision that is right for you. Ensure that you spend time taking care of you and not allowing this to dominate all of your day, although this is hard to do. Christine
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  16. Christine added a post in a topic How do I know if he's telling the truth anymore?   

    Hi
    It's a completely normal reaction to feel confused when you continue to discover more about the person you love and that he has an addiction of this nature, you have done the right thing by reaching out and getting support from a counsellor, if the counsellor is trained to support partners of people with addictions they will support you in addressing your confusion and being able to work out what is right for you. A therapeutic disclosure about all the behaviour may be beneficial to you before trying to make an informed decision. Talk this through with the counsellor as this may help you. Take care Christine
     
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  17. Guest added a post in a topic The love of my life has destroyed me   

    Thank you so much, I think that you’re definitely right, this is something he does need to do for himself. And we’ve spoken about how his motivation to change needs to be for him, not me or our relationship.
    It has really helped me to read this and to know that there are people who are going through exactly the same thing as I am. In a way it’s comforting to know that his addiction is a real problem suffered by many and not just an excuse for cheating. 
    Thank you x
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  18. Confused added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    How do I know if he's telling the truth anymore?
    A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it.
    My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person.
    A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience.
    However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it.
    I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful?
    Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying.
    If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.
     
     
    • 1 reply
    • 66 views
  19. Janey36 added a post in a topic 4 months post discovery - a partner's persceptive   

    Thanks Anon, its good to hear that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and its not just an express train coming straight for me! 
    You are so right about the good advice to 'take care of yourself' and I am trying to do that. 
    We've been together 39 years and married for 36. I discovered his 'addiction' at the beginning of December tho I know that he has been sexting a colleague before and watched porn. I thought it had been going on for about 14 years off and on. When he got found out this time I believe he thought that he could carry on after placating me for a few weeks. He soon knew I was serious about divorce and then started taking HIS problem seriously. I'm not sure that monthly counselling sessions are quite enough though. When I asked him how long the porn thing had been going on for I was shocked when he said for most of our marriage!
    At the moment I'm hanging in there. Still couldn't tell you if I'll be here this time next year or not. 
    One day at a time!
     
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  20. Janey36 added a post in a topic The love of my life has destroyed me   

    Hi Casey
    I am so sorry to hear your story. You will find many similar stories on here, including my own.
    You have a tough road ahead of you whatever you decide to do. I would just like to say that what ever decision you make, make it for you and not for 'James'. He has his own battles to fight. You need to put yourself first.
    Look around on this site and try and connect with as many others as you feel able. Everyone here has a story to tell and all pretty much like yours. The helpful thing is to read how others have reacted to this destruction of their life by someone they loved and how they are facing it.
    You are not on your own here, Casey, you will find lots of support, but any decision you make will be your own.
    Hang in there.
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  21. Confused added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Do you ever know if you have the full story?
    A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it.
    My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person.
    A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience.
    However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it.
    I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful?
    Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying.
    If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.
     
     
     
     
     
    • 1 reply
    • 70 views


  22. Guest added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    The love of my life has destroyed me
    Hi, 
    I’m 18 and my boyfriend is 24. We have known each other for 7 years and have been in a relationship for 10 months. He has always been that person that I compared everyone else to- my absolute ideal man; hilarious, kind, caring and just generally lovely. We got together in an absolutely whirlwind- I visited him (he lives 2 hours from me) one weekend and we both got completely swept away by each other. It really was the perfect weekend and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be with the man of my dreams. 
    I would like to clarify how much I am completely and utterly in love with my boyfriend, he truly does complete me. 
     
    In January I got a message from a girl saying “hi are you in a relationship with James (not his real name)”. I thought it would be an old friend of his asking to meet up or something so I asked my boyfriend about it and at first he palmed it off. Then, he sent me this massive paragraph about how when he gets aroused he gets a kind of “red mist” and messages girls innappropriately. These messages were awful, things like “ooh I’d love to see you caked in mud” and “if I come and see you I won’t settle for sleeping on the floor ”. He said that he would never have actually met this girl- he just does it for affirmation. But I find that hard to believe, as you will soon find out. He also used to go on tinder when drunk and swipe on girls, but has never been on a date or kissed another girl when with me. He also goes on Omegle and masturbates to women on there and uses porn regularly. He has done this in every other relationship and has cheated on his past girlfriends in some way or another.
    The day after this all came out- which I was willing to forgive because it seemed like a genuine problem- I asked him to tell me everything he’d ever done and a month ago, he slept with another girl. I cannot tell you how absolutely destroyed I was. Everything that I have ever believed in in the world was just completely broken. I have always been a trusting person and I now fear that this situation has made me distrust people, especially men. My boyfriend always says how much of a feminist he is, yet he pretended like he only slept with her once (it later transpired to be 4 times as I asked the girl herself). It was a random girl he met in a club and they did every sexual thing together that night, using a condom, again I asked her. He even got a photo with her in the club by the photographer?! And he text me when he was in the taxi going to hers saying “goodnight, I’m all tucked up, I love you!” 
    I know that this may all seem so naive becahse I’m young and I think people’s reactions are likely to be, “go and find someone new!” But I have genuinely never met anyone who I click with as much as my boyfriend, and I really don’t think I ever will. I also believe in forgiveness and understanding when someone has a genuine issue. I go through stages of truly believing I can stand by him as he is going to SAA meetings every week, and has told my family and his own. But I’m just so scared that he’ll do it again, and is he just using sex addiction as an excuse to do whatever he wants, and act single and soon as I walk out the door to go home? 
    I don’t see how the person I love can do just an awful thing to me; I will always be cheated on and he will always be to blame for that. I’m not even sure why I’m posting on here because I’m not necessarily asking if I should stay with him or not, but I think just getting everything out and hearing other people’s stories may help. 
    Thank you for reading and I’m sorry I went on a bit! X 
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  23. Louise1987 added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    There is such a sense of familiarity if not in all your stories but certainly the feelings you are all struggling with.
    I found out about my husbands porn addiction 18months ago. Only after he broke down admitting to being depressed and having suicidal thoughts. He immediately vowed to stop and did initially . I found out 3 weeks ago that he had lapsed potentially as long ago as April last year and has again been lying and deceiving me. Even at times making me feel crazy for questioning. He's back on the wagon again and here we are at the start of the journey again.
    We've been married for 7 years and he has suffered with varying severity of ED throughout. It became clear within days of his first admission that porn had been the reason for this. It's hard to know whether he genuinely believed this not to be the case as he told me.
    I have told him this time that I will not leave him for a slip up but that I will if he lies to me again. He's got an appointment with a specialist and is doing 90 day reboot as they call it. Much like others have said my husband is the sweetest most doting husband you could ask for. That almost makes it more difficult.
    I really want to stay by his side through this as I feel he deserves that much from me. Plus I love him. I really do doubt whether I have the strength to do that. It may be a cliche but it's like living in a house build on sand. I want to believe he can do it but the fact I have zero trust in anything he says makes it difficult to believe. I know this won't be a quick fix and I'm prepared for that. The thought of getting another 18months down the line to find out I've been lied to again makes my chest feel tight and the room spin. 
    Ive read enough information to know that it's not because I'm not enough. Knowing it in fact and feeling it are unfortunately 2 different things. At the minute my life just feels so unsure. My life and future are in the hands of a person that I don't trust and that is a scary prospect.
    I look on at a broken man who hates himself more than anyone else ever will. For his sake and mine I hope he has the strength and determination to get through this.
    Thanks for listening
     
     
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  24. Nanook1975 added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Rob and Cowslip thank you so much for your replies. 
    The night before last (as usual) we end up arguing when the kids went to sleep. We both agreed that we couldn't keep this up and I told him that I felt I could not talk to him about it anymore as he was not letting me in. I told him I needed him to go and speak to someone for his sake and try to figure out why. This is when he opened up to me......
    I always knew that his childhood wasn't the best but had no idea about what he told me next. For obvious reasons I won't go into that. After spending hours talking he told me that he never wanted to disrespect me sexualy and put pressure on me to be with him as he had seen so he started watching porn and mastrubating and thought this was a solution.  He agreed that it evolved from there and became his addiction. 
    One thing I can't get my head around is how he never thought he was doing anything wrong. I have so many questions going around my head just trying to understand but he says he doesn't have answers. 
    Cowslip,  he is actually back to his original phone now which has access but we share all accounts.  This was my suggestion as i know that i cant control this,its up to him. He told me that he is completely aware now and that he will not let addiction control him. 
    He asked me on a date Friday night.....
    Rob I think you are so brave and strong to be here and help others.
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  25. Cowslip added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    A really useful contribution, Rob!
    I think the idea of seeing the addict as 'a good person who has done bad things' is really positive, and sums up how I try to view my partner.  He has been, for much of our marriage, a loving, kind and considerate husband, and we have shared many wonderful times.  That is the 'good person' who I have chosen to stay with.  The 'bad things' have, at times, taken over and dominated our relationship, and that makes me sad and angry.
    Increasingly, as time goes on and my partner prove his commitment to beating this addiction, my anger is directed towards the pornography industry which drew him in as a teenager, and which, in one way or another, has had its hooks in him ever since.  I have grandchildren, and I fear for what they may be exposed to as they get older.
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