Nomore added a topic in Partner ConcernsJust discovered my husbands secretsHi,
I feel like I am going crazy. I have been with my husband for 13years. I found out a few weeks ago that he has been having an affair 'just for sex' for 3 years. Since our first daughter was born. Also turns out he is addicted to porn and masturbation. Plus there is probably more that he hasn't told me.
ive known our marriage hasn't been right for at least 3 years, he's just seemed unengaged and uninterested. We haven't had sex for nearly a year because he said he didn't want to. Despite that he kept complaining about being sexually frustrated and that I wasn't sensual enough or interested in sex.
he appears to be full of remorse and says he wants to change but I have no idea how I can trust what he says. Will I just be commiting myself to more hurt? On the other hand we have two young children and he is a good dad. I don't want to ruin their life if there's a chance things can improve.
I guess I want some hope. Has anyone else's husband turned things around? Should I risk more hurt for myself and stay with him? How will I see him as a loving husband and father again rather than a sex crazed monster?
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trish added a topic in Partner ConcernsHusband addicted to sexHey, I am quite embarrassed to ask this question. I cannot ask this to anyone else and I think asking it in this forum is an excellent idea.
We are married for about two years. I came to know that my husband was addicted to sex in the first day of marriage itself. He asks me to do those things in which I am not interested in.
I returned back home after staying with my parents for a while. My husband abused me physically and I had my nose broken in the act. My parents were really supportive. My husband didn't pay for the expenses and forced me to return back to him. He didn't even listen when I told him that my doctor asked me to take rest for a period of one month.
But, I realized that he called me back in order to satisfy his sexual needs. He asked me to perform sexual acts in this condition. He is forcing me, and I am scared to live with him. I fear that he would harm me if I didn't obey.
What can I do in this situation? What can be done to reduce this addiction? Please give some genuine replies and suggestions. Thanks in advance.
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10 added a topic in Sex & Porn AddictionAdvice and helpIm not sure on how these things work but i have been advised that this site might be able to help me. I have never done anything like this before ie writing to people about my problem so its all new. I am middle aged and had the chance to have 8 free counselling sessions for another reason than i am on here for but it all came out as my councellor drew it out of me in a very positive way. Anyway i have had issues with sex since i was sexually assualted as a child, i had other problems as a child too with not much support from my parents for lots of reasons and all this led me to live a life relying on porn, protitutes, and anything else to do with sex.
I was just wondering if anyone else out there has had similar experiences to me?
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Ruthieroo added a topic in Sex & Porn AddictionMy Husband, Does He Want To Change?Hello,
First of all, I want to say that I am touched by some of your posts, that you are reaching out and trying to deal with your addictions. It takes courage to do that.
Secondly, I would like some advice regarding my husband. He has always used pornography; he would go a few weeks without it and always return to it. Yesterday I caught him in the act. I have locked all the computers and my phone and the kids phones but he watched me unlock my phone and memorised the pattern. I have since changed it.
So we have a big row and he tells me that he has looked at pornography on my laptop, on our sons laptop, and on my phone - he has also watched the X rated channel adverts on TV to get stimulated. He has also had cyber sex with various people over the last few weeks.
I feel like he doesn't really want to change. He says he does. But surely he would do more about it? Because it seems to me that when it's easy, for example when I can't get at pornography, he doesn't do it and although he is tempted he can refrain for a while. But then he goes back to it. I have done my best to help him stop himself by locking everything as much as I can (sadly I have left my laptop open on some occasions as has my son) but we tried to help him by making it very difficult for him.
You guys have access to the internet and you are doing your best to stop, so why isn't my husband? Am I doing something wrong here?
I am not judging anyone, I was addicted to sugar (it sounds a bit lame but believe me it was a real addiction) and it was hard to get over it, I know it takes real work to overcome these things. I just want to understand my husband a bit better, to see if there is anything else I can do?
Best wishes to you all,
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Ruthieroo added a post in a topic Partner of a porn addict and my own painful history
Ruthieroo added a topic in Partner ConcernsI Just Need To VentHello,
My husband is a porn addict. He seems to want to stop but he can't. I have passworded every device I can in our house and he still finds ways to do it. For instance I leave my mobile phone in the living room to charge, he doesn't know the pattern to unlock it. Well, he watched me, found out the pattern and I caught him last night, actually doing it, caught in the act. I'll spare you the details but I can assure you it wasn't pleasant.
I guess I don't know what to do. He is such an appalling role model for our sons. They know what their dad is like and they feel disgust for what he does. He says he wants to stop, but he will do anything to get his fix. He told me that if I leave my laptop open he will use it to look at pornography and have cyber sex with other people. He does the same if my son leaves his laptop open. He also looks at the X-rated TV channels, the adverts for the programmes coming up, he uses those to masturbate to.
I feel quite numb inside over this latest occurrence. I have known he looks and porn and does the cyber sex thing for years, but lately he has been trying really hard to beat it. He has had help through our religious organisation, so much help. But it isn't enough. I don't know what is enough........I don't know what else to do to help him. Should I get rid of the television so he can't use that? .,
I have tried putting a watchdog thing on his computer, I really hated it, I hated being his policeman and seeing what he was looking at. I did that for a year but I didn't renew it, it didn't stop him anyway. I think probably he stopped for a few months. He probably used the television then. I don't know.
What I find frustrating is that he seems to think it is acceptable because he didn't pay for it. I tell him, those poor women are just lying there doing that so they get money to feed their families but he doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything except himself and his sexual needs. It's really sad.
I have read some of your comments about emotional attachment. He is similar to your husbands, he is not exactly cold, he will cuddle occasionally and he often asks me for a hug. But he doesn't see any need to take emotional care of me. I have friends who's husbands call them baby and really take care of them. But he isn't like that with me, it is me that has to take care of him. I feel constantly lonely and although I am a strong woman, it would be nice to just have a shoulder to lean on once in a while.
He doesn't like himself when he does it, and he is devastated when he gets caught. I wish he could have just come to me and said, I had a slip up, I'm sorry. I could have shown him some empathy then. But finding out about all the things he has done after, all the cyber sex, well, that is horrible. Horrible to think that something that should have been precious to us, our intimacy and our love life, is being shared on the internet with who knows who?
I try to persuade myself that he is probably cybering with men some of the time. I suspect that is true, but sometimes I expect it is women.
He tells me that he is attracted to me, and although he has erectile dysfunction, if he stops looking at pornography completely then function returns. We can have a reasonable sex life. But when it creeps back in, he starts to have more problems with sex.
I work part time from home, I have two boys who are on the autistic spectrum and I teach them, I have a busy enough life as it is without this going on too.
Sometimes I wish I could just run away and find someone to just look after me for a little while.
Well, if you read this far, thanks for listening.
Best wishes on your journeys.
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Aaron_31 added a topic in Sex & Porn AddictionPlease Help MeMy behavior has gotten so out of control the mother of my child can barely look at me after I betrayed her again and hurt her deeply.
My actions keep hurting my best friend and I've already become single because of my behavior.
I'm so lonely and scared, if I didn't have a daughter I am worried I'd hurt myself.
I really can't live like this, the damage I am causing is too much and I can't keep hurting her
Where can I get help ?
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Tortoise added a topic in Sex & Porn AddictionHello, I'm a porn addict.Hello,
(this is probably going to be a long post as it's the first time I've ever posted anything like this in such detail, so please bear with me)
I'm a 44 year old man from the UK whose life has been dominated and defined so far by looking at, collecting and masturbating to pornographic images of naked women.
It has taken me a long time to realise that I can't recover from this alone; I've always kidded myself that my own will power, rationality and lately being more proactive and reading and following the exercises in The Kick start pdf were enough. But they're not. I have been scared to reach out to this forum, but the alternative is much worse: the effect this has already had on my own well-being and happiness, my relationship with my wife whom I adore, and my career/ achievements in life generally.
One of my clearest early memories is that when I was maybe about 6 or 7 (unclear on that) I accidentally found a rolled up magazine that was sticking out of a pocket of my dads coat hanging in a wardrobe. The image visible was of an old Nasa spacecraft; that's what caught my eye, as I was space /sci-fi mad (still am).
As I opened the magazine a saw that there was a naked pin up-picture (evidently this was a magazine that contained "real" articles as well as pictures of naked women, hence the spacecraft). Anyway, I distinctly remember my much elder sister's and mum's reactions to me pulling out this magazine: alarm and panic and unwittingly making a big fuss of stopping me from looking further. This in hindsight was the wrong way to react - I was intrigued - perhaps as much by the dramatic reaction of my family as by the naked picture I glimpsed. Am I not blaming my family for what followed however. It was my choice to seek out that magazine again. Later on I did just that, and found my dad's other magazines badly hidden in a bottom drawer in his bedroom.
Ever since then I looked at my dads magazines, then collected images of naked women in the form of "page 3 girls" cut of the old newspapers my Dad had bought, then as soon as I was old enough to buy them, magazines and later digitally. I have always sought porn as an escape from, well anything really! The normal challenges of daily life I suppose.
Since my early teens and into my twenties I knew it was wrong, but my willpower has always been very poor; guilt over porn only makes my self-esteem worse, which hinders me from achieving in life and makes my self esteem lower, which hinders my progress in life, so I turn to porn...etc. It's a vicious circle.
Since my early twenties I have gone through phases of collecting magazine/images, then feeling awful about it and throwing them away...only to get back on the merry-go-round and collect again.
Several years ago I met my wife, who is from a Northern European country. She is an amazing woman and my soulmate, we love each other very much but she has no idea about my problem. She is a gentle sensitive, demure soul, who is not comfortable with the depiction of sexuality in most film and TV media, who certainly doesn't like pornography, who would not understand my situation and who would be devastated if she knew of my problem. She'd never trust me ever again. Therefore i have to protect her from my this. I am of course, at the risk of sounding selfish, so afraid of losing her.
When it comes down to it; I don't actually LIKE the idea of porn either, the misogyny and objectification of women is at complete odds with the other aspects of my nature. I am a kind sensitive person who in many ways cannot equate or reconcile this addiction with my own values and beliefs. That is good I suppose, for it helps me fight, for I know how wrong and not healthy for me this is, but it has it's barbs in me.
When I moved here to my wife's country three years ago I made a huge effort; I got rid of all my pornography and managed to stay away from it for seven weeks. For me, that is a long time. I didn't know about these (Paula Hall.co.uk) resources then, and my resolve gradually ebbed away. Since then I saw a counsellor. Their advice helped for a while but I have gone through the merry-go-round-like cycle of addiction so manytimes. I'd found that in trying to quit this on my own, I last a couple of weeks and then soon succumb to those familiar triggers, exacerbated by my own insecurities and low self esteem.
Last year we got married. If it wasn't for my addiction, I feel I would be able to face the challenges of finding regular work and getting on and forward in my new life here. I am a creative and talented individual; and I'm lucky enough to have had interesting jobs in a semi-creative/creative field. But I know that if it wasn't for this stone around my neck I could really focus better and achieve so much more. My priorities have changed; I now owe it not only to myself but to my wonderful wife to pull my weight so to speak in my duties as a husband and a productive human being. That cannot happen fully and effectively all the while that this poisonous predilection is controlling me. I know I have a problem, and I want to really fight it.
To that end at the end of last year I started facing up to the problem more seriously and proactively. I downloaded The Kickstart PDF and have followed the exercises in it. Unfortunately my financial situation precludes me from getting any services I would have to pay for, for the time being. Joining this forum in January was another step, but it's taken me until now to have the courage to admit to myself, come here and tell you all: I can't do it alone, I need support.
23 days ago I started the latest of many re-boot attempts. I fully accept that my neural reward pathway is VERY strongly established from approximately 28 years' worth of porn use, but I did find that I was understanding these addictive mechanisms more easily and I felt I was making progress. By day 16 I felt very strong and positive. Then the next day my sub-concious guard must've been down for I made a slip, I looked at an image of a topless model. Every day since then the slips have got incrementally worse, despite that fact that I can feel the progress I'd made up to that point. On the plus side, at no point ever before in my life had I felt the neural pathway ebbing away as distinctly as during that 16 days. That means the techniques WORK, and that the more you try the easier it gets, even if very gradually. But at the same time, the triggers are real, the old habits die hard, so that by today, day 23 I had had what I would describe as a relpase. I collected some images and acted out again.
Whereas before whenever this happened I would feel so despondent that I would start counting the recovery days again from 1, Now I am continuing to count the days because I've realised that the road to success is paved with failure, it's not about either winning or failing at the first attempt. Yes, I feel disappointed with myself but I refuse to wallow in self-pity as I would've done before, as I've learned so much already, even though I know I still need help.
Consider me reaching out in this way as a way of affirming that. I've stumbled, but i'm getting up, dusting myself down and continuing forward.
I would urge anyone in a similar situation to do the same, reach out. It's worth it, you'll feel better.
Thanks for reading this, and apologies again for the length of this post. But as I indicated earlier, it's taken me about 28 years to get to this day!
The journey continues......
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Gus added a topic in Sex & Porn AddictionHi help neededSo I recently had a massive scare legally this has been cleared up and I needn't of been concerned. I had been told my concern was unwarranted by authorities but your legal advise to someone else has fully relieved me. Still it really has hit home the problem I've had. Multiple times a day I would go in search of porn and the longer this goes on he more relentless and difficult the search for new images/videos had become and the keywords to use to get to it. I've long know my porn usage was too much and mostly for escapism. I was never concerned that I was in any kind of legal trouble because i knew what i was after until the scare but now I've kind of woken up to the fact that this is a problem and I shouldn't be in a situation where that could be a worry. So yea mostly i was just looking for advice on where to begin with going porn free. Frankly the shear amount of time I waste is reason enough.
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