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  1. Mel added a post in a topic I'm New Here   

    Hi guys I'm just new on here as well, totally miffed at the moment as I can't see any posts from females being the addict, george I was looking at going to a meeting last night but ended up going to a church group meeting for broken and was totally overwhelmed by it having had no contact with religion in my life, is slaa quite chxristan orientated ? Did you find it useful 
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  2. Domonic added a post in a topic finally admitted it to myself ...   

    Hi Darren, if your partner is forcing you to seek help. It is a good thing because she is not being judgemental and understands your plight. As worthyhope rightly says the majority of partners would have scarpered. I wish you all the success.
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  3. Domonic added a post in a topic I'm New Here   

    Hi George, I totally agree with you that it doesn't matter what the addiction is. I do think, however, that I would perhaps er on the side of caution. One session I attended, we had to swear an oath not to repeat anything that was said within the four walls. I would imagine the same rules would apply to other group meetings, but if for example a recovering alcoholic was to go into a relapse. After good long slurp, there is the danger that tongues might loosen up and open up a hornet's nest. If he or she an intoxicated state, oaths and rules could be well forgotten. I'm wondering if it would be an idea to go to another town where nobody knows you? Alternatively, what about having a word with the group leader before hand and point out to him or her what I have mentioned and say that you would like to be economical with the truth and not mention sex addiction, but use the term internet addiction instead. Something worth considering. 
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  4. SadDad added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Desperate and Scared
    I am in a very bad place right now. 
    I am 40 ish and have been a sex addict pretty much all of my adult life, beginning with the usual teenage posters on walls etc. Since then i have been infatuated by the female form.
    I got married quite young but had already been to a prostitute and done some exhibitionism. 
    I stopped visiting escorts for about 5 years but then boom I started again and have been doing it ever since, with short breaks now and then when I have felt really motivated to quit. 
    I have been doing it for the last couple of months again. When I am in that zone I fail to think about consequences for me and my family if i got caught.  
    However I texted an escort a couple of days ago. She replied asking for a picture. I got suspicious and said I'll leave it thanks..she then said you're on my personal phone and said my name! I messaged again asking who she was and how she knew me. She has stopped replying.  Now either she is as spooked as I am or she i(or he) is harvesting numbers for possible blackmail. I am worried sick and so scared inane going to lose my family.
    I am desperate to stop my behaviours. Have tried numerous times with the help of therapy (Paula Hall affiliated). But now I coukd really use the help of a fellow sufferer, someone who has perhaps come out the other side. Someone I could call and talk to. Someone who could help me and maybe i could even help them?
     
    Please comment if this may be you. Not sure how we get in initial contact. Maybe an email address?
    Thanks for reading.
    In hope
    SadDad
     
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  5. George added a post in a topic I'm New Here   

    Smart is a similar sort of thing except for all addicts ie. drug, alcohol, sex or whatever together. I get the impression the approach is a bit more pragmatic. Don't think you have to pay, think it'll be voluntary contributions like SLAA. My only slight reservation is it's open to visitors, but I don't suppose anyone other than a supportive partner would want to go. It makes no difference what the actual addiction is I don't think does it, it's the effect it has on you and others that matters. You might find some help as well by chatting to other hosiery addicts but not so easy to find I'm guessing.
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  6. Domonic added a post in a topic I'm New Here   

    Thanks, George for your response. Yes, I have been to a meeting, but unfortunately it means a long bus ride once a week to get to the venue. What is Smart Recovery? Are they group meetings where you meet others or is at an online one? Does Smart Recovery cost anything? I feel certain now that I have done right by joining this group. My obsession is hosiery, although nothing extreme. It still as I said entail the same kind of misery as porn addiction. Endless hours are spent online and it has reached a point where other obligations are put on the back burner. Also lying to others. I have wonderful friends and I don't want to lose them. There are those who would probably argue that it is pornography and others not. Different people have different views as to what pornography is. The Victorians for example considered dresses that rode up above the ankles as pornographic.  
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  7. George added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

     
    PatBatemanBlg, did you get psychotherapy through the NHS? How long did you have to wait?
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  8. George added a post in a topic I'm New Here   

    I've just joined as well Domonic. What do you think your addiction is? I think I may have an addiction..... to sex outside my relationship, getting some for, of emotional intimacy with other partners and to porn. I think it's best if I tackle one at a time, so I'm working on the sex outside the relationship first. I went to my first SLAA meeting last week, decent people but felt rather stifled by it. I'm trying Smart Recovery as well next week which takes a different approach. Have you been to any meetings? I'm sure you haven't done wrong joining this site, if it doesn't help you've lost nothing, and you might gain a lot.
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  9. George added a post in a topic Ali   

    I think my view differs slightly from others expressed so far. To me it is perfectly normal for men to watch porn. My guess would be that 95% of men under 40 watch porn, just a guess but, basically it's what nearly all men do. I doubt many tell their partners. I Maybe the frequency of it, if it's 6 times a week, is a problem for him. I would regard 3 times a week as perfectly normal including for men in relationships. 
    I can see it's a serious issue for you though and hope I'm not belittling that. Now you've discovered it, the best thing to do I think is to discuss it with him, telling him how much it hurts you and ask him to reduce the frequency at least (I think it may be unrealistic to ask him to give it up altogether). 
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  10. Domonic added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    I'm New Here
    Hi everyone, I have just discovered this website and I have decided to join. I don't know how to describe my addiction and I am not even sure if it comes into the sex porn and porn addiction category. It does, however, result in the same kind of frustration and misery and fear of losing life long friends. I hope I have done the right thing by joining this group.
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  11. Mel added a post in a topic When my husband doesn't want to give us a chance   

    Can I also mention I've never cheated before in a relationship but when I was single I was regularly putting myself st risk meeting men 
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  12. Mel added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    When my husband doesn't want to give us a chance
    If you had told me a number of years ago when I met my husband that my single life behaviours would rear their ugly head and destroy me and my family I'd have told you I was stronger than that, I've only just got married after years of being faithful and finding a happiness that hasn't revolved around the bedroom and sexual gratification, don't get me wrong sometimes I felt as though we could be more intimate but my husband has weight issues which honestly I learned to find less unattractive over time but his constant need to cover up and use his weight as a barrier between us was more unattractive and frustration. I never told him this I kept nagging to lose weight I guess I thought by trying to get him to face the addiction to food he would help himself. So we got married a couple of months ago and suddenly my on and off depression started to plummet rapidly and my friends appeared to totally abandon me, with my health at an all time low I was totally isolated and decided that I'd go online to old familiar chat rooms and talk when I went to join an old I'd still existed one I'd used when I thought my partner was cheating yes I know this viscous trust cycle , in one day I'd managed to get myself in that familiar place of meeting a guy and sleeping with him, overwhelming guilt, disgust, shame you name it those familiar feelings returned. Obviously I always said in the past I was in control but reality I never was. Long and short my husband found out doesn't trust me, he's told me our marriage is over and he's not wanting to or can't even think about counselling. I took an overdose it started as a few extra pills to take away my pain and try sleep but I didn't stop popping the pills until the packets were empty. I'm now in the waiting game for support and suddenly my head is in overdrive the reality is hitting me and suddenly now when it's too late I want to talk but he doesn't want to listen, I'm broken I can't imagine my life without him I meant my vows I want to spend my life with him and grow old with him, how do people move on, how long is long enough time to give someone some space this is all very fresh and new and I'm terrified, terrified he will never forgive me 
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  13. PJ added a post in a topic who can my partner talk to?   

    Hi Jo
    I was seriously addicted to porn and it developed into seeing sex workers.  However I faced it, and with a lot of help from people like Paula, I have now been free of both for two and half years, and going strong.  
    Happy to converse with him on here.
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  14. PJ added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hi Rena
    I have just read your post from 26th July.  What struck me from it was your desire to make your partner feel better.  The best thing your partner can do is to face his addiction, tackle it (through counselling, Paula's intensive course, 12 step programme etc) and in doing so develop a health relationship with himself that entails self-respect and self love.  In doing so, he will feel a whole load better.  Essentially though you can't fix him, only he can do that.
    A lot of partners of addicts exhibit 'co-dependency'.  In fact there is a 12step programme for 'codependents' of addicts.  See www.coda-uk.org - they have a self-assessment questionnaire here they might be worth doing: http://www.coda-uk.org/index.php?page=am-i-co-dependent.  Might be worth finding a local group, I am sure you would find it very supportive to you in your present situation.   I personally have been very helped by a book called 'Codependency for Dummies' - might be worth looking at.
    The other thing that struck me is your comment on his attitude to women.  I am not sure where to start on this but addicts split off a part of themselves.  As I understand it, it means they can act in a way that contradicts their values.  For me, I believed in monogamy very strongly but the addiction meant I was unfaithful.  As an addict, you are so consumed by your selfish 'addiction needs' that you start to use people, and your power of empathy shrivels up.  You can still come across as normal and principled but in your double life you act in the opposite way.  
    I hope the above helps.  
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  15. PJ added a post in a topic Looking for understanding   

    Hi Anon123
    There are many options on the internet.  I would recommend two options.
    1. Paula's intensive courses.  I attended a 5 day intensive and it was very helpful indeed, in fact I would say it was life-changing.  
    2. Another option is a 12 step group.  I attend SAA (sex addicts anonymous) - the advantage of such groups is that they are v. cheap, in fact you don't have to pay anything.  There are I think 3 different sex addicts 12 stop programmes in the UK, all slightly different.  The groups vary too even within a programme, so if one doesn't work, try another.
    At the end of the day though, he must desperate to change.  What helped me was hearing Paula say "Your recovery has to be more important than anything else, even your marriage".  That was a wake-up call but so true.   If I didn't sort out my addiction, I wasn't going to have a marriage.  If I did sort out my addiction, I might save my marriage.  
    I have now been free for over 2 years, and our marriage (of 22 years) is stronger than it has ever been.
     
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  16. Hanna added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    Sadlady
    I too am an older women and I think thats harder as when we think about ourselves as we have so few years left and the waste oh the waste.  Its hard to come to terms with all the issues we face.  PM me if you want to chat, if not take care of yourself and I do hope you find a way forward and peace in the future what ever it looks like
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  17. Hanna added a post in a topic I should've known better   

    Hi Alicrumle
    My heart goes out to you ..I know exactly what you mean about dichotomy with the heart, trust, wanting to get answers, feeling a fool and the pain.  Interested to know where this all ended.
    Patty, I hope you are both now in a better situation and on the recovery path but if he is not  I would think twice about getting married for now, maybe just delay to see what future holds.  I would love to Pm but not sure how it works any idea?  
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  18. Hanna added a post in a topic PARTNER SENSITIVE SUPPORT   

    Hi Terita
    I clicked on the link but text is full of symbols - any idea why please as I would love to read please 
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  19. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Oh K65 you are so right when you say 
    "For me the pain tells me something about my soul: I know the precious value of faithfulness.I prize its keeping and I grieve the loss of it."
    This is the thing that keeps me locked in my sole knows I love him, my sole see his struggle and my sole knows without hope there is nothing, just emptiness and fear.   My story is above but has progressed a little - he has moved into his flat and has been obsessed with getting it just right.  I told him to take what he wants and he has been very civil but lacks total emotion - here is an example I take a phone call, my (now just about empty) house sale is stalling perhaps falling through - he is there on his computer looking at desk and book shelf for his office, after call he asks me which one do I think best!  No discussion on phone call even though if house does not go through I will house mortgage, flat mortgage ( the one he has moved to) and rent for flat that I have got in anticipation of the move - we were due to complete today but heard nothing.  However the financial worry is a welcome distraction from everything else.  Today i am going to solicitor to start separation/divorce, not sure best way to go so will take her advice. 
    I did manage to have one chat with him to talk about his illness and he seemed to listen but next day it all washed over his head. My head says this marriage wont work, we have cultural differences, religious differences and I am 18yrs older than him so why does my sole make me so guilty for all this.  I think maybe he wanted to end marriage and maybe thats what pushed into the addiction but I KNOW now looking back that he had this years before I married him and at the odd times we have discussed he said he thought he just had a high sex drive.  He knows he has an illness as he has multiple addictions and knows something bad in his past has caused him to see relief in any addiction that is his choice at the time and that he uses it to get rid of his stress but wont go for help.  He says he can fix himself but I know thats really saying he (at that time) he is enjoying what he is doing.  
    He says if I dont accept him as he is the marriage wont work again another manipulation so I have stood my ground and will start divorce proceedings today.   I did think about throwing him out so he gets in the real world, but my sole would not allow me to do that hence setting him up in the flat.  To be fair he has contributed to this and did do all the refurbishment 1 yr  ago ( we rented it out) he is in debt yet spending on his flat, I transferred his savings to his account so he could pay bills (6K) but he has now spent most of that, new tyres for van (didnt need), Bike insurance ( could have paid monthly), things for his flat, booked to go home on 2 Sept to see his family for 2 weeks, booked car hire for same, booked taxi to airport and even spent £300 on cleaning materials, he has no idea about financial management, so I worry but I am not going to help in when he is in debt.  I am upset because I know I have now enabled him yet again but my sole/ heart is not strong enough to throw him out with nothing as that will torture me for the rest of my life so again I feel the guilt of the enabler.  Oh how I wish I was not in this position, how do I go on, I do love him but if he does not get help there is no guarantee but why do I still have hope?
    He came yesterday and I was packing the last of his things, I have been doing this in anticipation of the move and dare not wait for him to complete tasks, I came across all the books I purchase on Sex addiction so pack them also, he will find them when he unpacks his end - I do hope for his sake he will read.  The when doing his papers I found the Paula Hall leaflet, he was stood next to me so I gave it to him, to my surprise he took it and put it with his papers, he could have put in bin next to him but was this real interest or just another manipulation, who knows?
    I have spoken in depth to my family,  they said give him time but the house sale does not allow that so again my sole carries the guilt.  I live in fear for me, fear for him as he really is a gentle sole and at times I look at him when he is sat alone and see the damaged little child.  He freely admits he is lonely, and does not fit in and always feels people let him down then goes back to a narcissistic child, this kills me the pain is unbearable.  Tomorrow he will come for what maybe the last time and I am going to try to give a letter but dont know what to write - I dont want to damage him anymore or feed his ego but in my heart I dont want to loose him, if only I was sure this is what he wants (the real him, not the addict) but of course I cant say that as I am doing my best at tough love saying I respect his decision to divorce - any suggestions would be helpful from everyone as its going to be the most difficult letter of my life.
    I am trying to move on and have this morning have arranged to go and stay with my family just before he gets back from holiday so I am not available and have arranged to  get some counselling whilst there and will then continue via skype once I get back, that is of course assuming house sale goes through.
    Now thinking about the future is full of real fear because I have asked for detachment  services - what if it does not work for me, what if he wants help, what if he comes back, what if he does not - FEAR, PAIN, DISTRESS and a broken heart.  My sole is as lost as his.  I am lost in a world of uncertainty.  A few friends I have talked to said enough, letting him have flat is too much but  I could not live with myself if I didnt so live with the enabler role again as I have a good sole and a kind heart.
    I find this site very comforting and especially when I read that some husbands are getting help and do begin to understand both the addiction and effect on spouse.  I really wish you the very best and hope you all find some peace and of course a healthy life!
     
      
     
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  20. Kitty added a post in a topic Facing the Truth... and Struggling to cope   

    Hi Worthyhope
    thanks for your response and like everything I read on this forum, it is reassurance I am not alone and in fact many others have/are going through the same. I have read both of Paula's books and both have helped me unde
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  21. worthyhope added a post in a topic finally admitted it to myself ...   

    Hi Darren, I'm not sure if my response from the partner perspective will be helpful but I hope so. Your story mirrors that of my partner - the shame, the guilt, the overwhelming urge to act out, the downward spiral etc etc. Then the 'relief' when it is discovered or disclosed and the chance for a new beginning. I hope you are accessing specialist support to help you to beat this thing and give you back your life. Your partner is 'forcing you' to get help you say. Take something from that. The majority of partners would have cut and run on such a discovery. She hasn't but now your pain has been transferred onto her as her world collapses. So you have both embarked upon the road to a sustained healthy recovery ( I hope). Your feelings of worthlessness are not based on reality. Specialist SA therapy will help you to understand the emotional root causes of your addiction. Please never feel you are not worth it. There is a woman in your life who knows you are. You will come to know that you are worth it too. My partner's life has changed beyond all recognition since discovery just over a year ago. He got his acting out under control straight away but we both knew that would not be enough. He's working hard on understanding his feelings of worthlessness, being a failure, fear of rejection and abandonment. He knows he must do that in order to avoid the emotional triggers that lead to the acting out behaviours. As a partner that's the evidence of true recovery I'm looking for. Without that I'd live in constant fear of relapse.
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  22. worthyhope added a post in a topic Confused   

    Hi Sarahc, I understand that pendulum swing between feeling in control and homicidal rage. I still occasionally feel those extremes of emotion now and I've been in recovery as the partner of a SA for just over a year. You've only just discovered that your partner has these problems and you are in shock and traumatised. Its important to remember that. He needs to sort himself out and get the necessary help to do so and you need help and support too. Your physical and emotional responses are natural and inevitable to such a shock. Paula's books on SA for addicts and partners were very helpful for us when we started on our very painful journey. There are lots of sources of support out there for for both addicts and partners. It's almost impossible not to take this personally. Every fibre in a partner's body tells her ( or him) that they mustn't be good enough and that's why the addict does what (s)he does. I've come to understand that it's nothing to do with me, it's nothing to do with the other women. It's not even about sex - it's about addiction and the emotional and biological drivers for addiction. It's hard to accept that as a betrayed partner but if you do it helps to explain why your partner didn't set out to hurt you. It was just inevitable that they would because they are an addict.
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  23. worthyhope added a post in a topic Patience   

    Hi, I understand how difficult it must be to cope with a partner who, as a sex addict, is one of the most selfish and self serving creatures on the planet. Once in recovery we partners expect things to change for the better immediately. They don't. Alas that's not how it works. Your partner will have been told to focus on his own recovery. I hope you are getting support for your own recovery too. BUT you have the right to expect certain things based on some form of accountability from him and some boundaries you've set for yourself about what behaviours you will and won't accept. I assume from your post that you are hoping to recover as a couple and move forward together. If this is the case you will expect to see your partner develop grown up emotional responses ( instead of the emotional immaturity that fuels SA). To do this he will need to fully understand and address the root causes of his addiction ( the SA is the symptom of an inability to manage life not the cause). Part of managing life includes showing real empathy. I would recommend you read 'Worthy of her Trust' by S Arterburn and J Martinkus. Then give it to your partner to read. My partner found this book invaluable in helping him to step up and do what it takes to rebuild my trust in him. It's still a work in progress but it helped enormously. I think timing for this is important. I don't know when discovery happened for you  but the first few months for me were emotional chaos. I gave my partner this book after about 6 months when some of the fog had started to clear. I hope it helps
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  24. worthyhope added a post in a topic Facing the Truth... and Struggling to cope   

    Hi Kitty, I've just read your post from 5th August and thought I might have some insight to share from my own experience. I discovered that for years I had been with, and eventually married, a sex addict just over a year ago and, like you, my world collapsed. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can see clearly now the signs that should have got me to that discovery years before. I felt foolish for not doing so. But I've learned that, having entered into a committed relationship based on love and trust, I would  not have been looking for any signs of wrong doing. Like you I've had other women in my home, 100s of prostitutes, and that feels like the most hurtful part of my partner's acting out behaviour. It almost feels as though it was designed to hurt me. But having been 'in recovery' myself since discovery I have learned a lot about SA. You should know that your partner didn't do all of this 'to you'. If he is a sex addict ( and not just a philanderer) he has a chronic, progressive, primary dysfunction of his brain's reward system. He sexualises negative emotions and is hooked on the dopamine hit he gets from seeking these encounters. He still has done all those awful things and he faces a very challenging road to a sustained healthy recovery and that's his responsibility not yours. You now face an even more challenging road to your own recovery. It won't feel like it now but it does get better. But you will need help and support. I would strongly recommend reading Paula's books on SA for addicts and partners. You may need to read the one for partners several times but it contains all the info you need to be able to rebuild your life. Your relationship may not survive this addiction but you can. There are lots of other resources to help partners of SA deal with this extreme form of sexual betratyal trauma. Look for online resource packs and you tube clips. There are local support groups for partners which are free. Paula runs courses also. You have been traumatised by this discovery that why your mind and body feel the way they do. I hope at something I've said is helpful. Don't think you're going crazy - you're not. Your responses are natural.
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  25. K65 added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi Alys
    I feel your pain! I am only 4 months post disclosures although more came up to about a week ago.
    I hate the culture of objectifying women too and equating value to stereotyped ideals of beauty. I lost almost two stone since disclosure due to pure anxiety and inability to stomach food. Whilst part of me enjoyed comments of 'you look amazing' and 'yummy mummy' because of my low self esteem, I also hated the comments that seemed to value me more for being slimmer. 
    For me the pain tells me something about my soul: I know the precious value of faithfulness.I prize its keeping and I grieve the loss of it. 
    I hate the fact that he webcammed 18 year olds and have to deal with the disgust in that. I feel that they should have illicited the desire to protect in him not masturbate. This weighs heavily on my soul. 
    What can I say? Your pain is a testimony to values you hold dear and I salute you. I hate the torturous impact of this kind of betrayal. 
    I also empathise with feeling invisible too. I believe that it comes down to porn or other acting out as easy -come low maintenance attempts to gain pleasure and mock intimacy. Real relationships cost time, effort and real vulnerability. 
    K
     
     
     
     
     
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