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  1. Ian Baker added a post in a topic I'm Paranoid   

    Hi Ben
    in Paula Halls book there is an exercise, the two circle exercise. it helps people to reflect on what is out of control and what is OK, not OK and iffy. this brings in a focus to what it is someone, is wishing to recover from.  But it can cause lots of anxiety. Talking it through in therapy can be helpful. lessen the angst and get more clarification. 
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  2. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Sex or Love Addiction   

    Hi Yasisboet
    compassion empathy sympathy ..can have many meanings to different people, especially where they may be in their life. 
    For  me, compassion is being with and feeling of another's grief, sorrow, upset, misfortune and/or suffering. 
    but I would also add, we can also be compassionate to our selves and what we have experienced. One way of being with this is journalling experiences and reflecting on the content and feelings in that moment
    Hope this helps you
    Ian, Paul Hall Associate
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  3. Peter Watts added a post in a topic I'm Paranoid   

    Hello Ben,
    According to UK law, sexual content of people under the age of 18 is illegal. I believe this can include content where an individual is made to appear under age, or animation giving the same impression, though I may be wrong on this. If you want further information on the law then you should take a look at these pages:
    Prohibited Images of Children (UK Government official site): Pornography (UK Government official site): factsheet, which is not legal advice but may be helpful: you stay within these guidelines then, legally, you have little to worry about. Alternatively (or even additionally), you may want to see someone to help you address your anxieties, OCD and pornography use.
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  4. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic Porn   

    I got therapy by going to a different GP than my usual one. My first GP just said "try and stop, there are no services out there." That turned out to be bollocks. I went to a different GP and he forwarded me to psychotherapy. I was on a waitlist for 7 months but the sessions I eventually had started to help. I wish that I'd got help earlier and that I'd started to make the progress earlier. Try SLAA if you want but they'll just shove religion down your throat and disregard any scientific info.
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  5. PJ added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    Hi workinprogress - in my group we don't absolve ourselves by blaming a Higher Power.  Groups vary enormously, it could have been a quirk of your particular group?
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  6. Moose added a post in a topic Porn   

    I've had a problem with porn for years. I'm in my 50s and it's not getting any better. I'm worried where it's all going. Does anyone know if I can get some therapy or hypnosis to get me off this stuff. I've deleted my collection many times but it's like a drug that won't leave me alone.
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  7. Royston added a post in a topic Looking for help in my area   

    I will yes, thank you
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  8. sophie added a post in a topic Looking for help in my area   

    Hi Royston,
    Would you mind contacting our Practice Manager, Jane Plant, please as we may be able to help.
    You can either contact her via telephone 02079657302 or email her
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  9. Royston added a post in a topic Looking for help in my area   

    What a shame this forum isn't a slightly livelier place. I think there's a real need for something like this, rather than having to go on Reddit.
    Or perhaps Im just too impatient!
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  10. Usernameistaken added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Absolutely broken hearted
    NYE I got engaged to someone who I thought was the most wonderful man I've ever met in my life. Couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
    Two weeks later my gut instinct told me to check his messages and there I found numerous explicit texts to about 7 women - 'my cock aches to be inside you', 'what are you wearing', 'do you love me', 'can I take you to a hotel', I come round for 20 minutes and 10 minutes we are in bed'. My world just fell apart. I contacted all of the women. All but two thought he was single. One woman who knew I existed - he's has an on off relationship with for 6 years. Describes her as his stalker, hates her apparently. Said he had no intention of spending a night at a hotel with her but was building her up to drop her which would hopefully get rid of her. Yet he night he was planning on going to a hotel he told me he was seeing a male friend. He's been sleeping with her on and off during our two year relationship. Another woman wanted a relationship with him when he 'fell for me', said he felt sorry for her as he broke her heart, yet kept going round and sleeping with her. Another woman he asked on a date about 6 months into our relationship. He's a plumber so in and out of women's houses. They had a date and slept together and his messages to her he was telling her how beautiful she is and sending her hugs. The other women 'he couldn't wait to see', all women from his past he has never shut the door on. Said he tried so hard but can't say no. Said he would never contact them first, they would make dialogue and he couldn't say no when the messages turned into offers of sex. He's now seeing a sex addiction counsellor as he said he's never been able to sustain a long term relationship and be faithful. Never been faithful his entire life and never thought he had a problem until now. Said he tried so hard to change for me and I have no idea how bad he's been previously. Said now I know everything about him no one can hurt us, no need to hide his phone. Our whole relationship he's said without trust there is no relationship and said if I check his phone it's over. Said it's like a weight has been lifted. He said he can't explain why he has acted how he has as he considers me absolutely perfect. I feel so so let down and disappointment in this man. I'm devastated. Never been so disrespected by a man in my entire life. I feel so undesireable.. We had the most wonderful relationship and it been a hellish few weeks since I saw those messages. I'm suffering the worst anxiety and insecurity. He said if I keep bringing it up he will dump me as he can't take it anymore. I don't even want to leave the house with him in case we bump into one of his many bits on the side.. We are currently waiting on results of his STI test. I tried to see his counsellor last week but couldn't go in as I was absolutely furious I'm going through this due to his selfishness. He should never have involved me in his life to do this to me. The more counselling sessions he has the more he tries to explain why he's been like this his entire life. He was badly treated by his father as a child and wasn't protected by his mother. Thinks he's has to prove he's a man and lacked respect for women. He's been married twice and every relationship has failed due to infidelity. He goes and gets supplies for work and he's slept with the manager of the shop, goes to the pub and has slept with the landlady, goes to work and sleeps with clients, has an admin girl working for him and sleep with that absolutely mess of a woman. Granted some things happened before me but it's just not normal behaviour. He's said this is almost a wake up call and he's got to do whatever it takes to keep me and build the trust although I think my anxiety and insecurity is making me more hassle than I'm worth. He's given me access to his security cameras at home, given me the pin to his phone, a business phone so I can see all texts and calls, GPS so I know where he's working, 4 weeks into counselling, blocked all the women from his past life, agreed to move house to get away from his psycho admin woman across the road (that's another story) and she will be leaving his business to this month. This isn't normal I know but he doesn't know how to prove his seriousness in our relationship now he's has this wake up call. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know whether I can ever trust him like I did or anyone else for that matter. I'm so disgusted in what he's done to us and me. I feel like a mug, bizarre what love does to you. Guess I'm here to talk to strangers who may have lived this nightmare whenever the result. 
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  11. Royston added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Looking for help in my area
    Im glad to find this place. I've read a few posts, watched a few videos and just deleted all of my porn.
    Ive been through this routine many times now, and failed many times. Im in my mid forties and my porn addiction has been around for some 30 years. It has definitely intensified in the last 4 years or so, and I keep telling myself I really need help. I need to stop, but seem to fail so easily.
    So, Ive decided I need to reach out to someone. Clearly, doing this alone will not work for me; I'm finally accepting that now.
    Ideally, I'd like to attend the therapy sessions in London, but I simply cannot afford it, being on a low income. Although I'm not so far away in Brighton, I couldn't even manage the return train fare to get to the sessions to begin with.
    Is anyone out there aware of anything similar thats available in the Brighton area? Any advice is appreciated.
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  12. Ben added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    I'm Paranoid
    I have come to the conclusion at the age of 46, I am a bit compulsive; not just about Porn but other stuff too. There's defiantly a bit of OCD going on !
    Anyway, relating to Porn, I watch it for an hr or so in the evenings or on a lazy Sat morning. Ive never been in a chat room, nor do i download/pay for images,but what worries me are things; Firstly, on some sites including Twitter, there is a bit of underage sex going on. I want to make this clear that I have no interest in this, but, sometimes, it does come up and this makes me even more guilty than ever. Point 2, (call me paranoid) but since Nov 2016 the UK Govt. brought out the 'Snoopers Charter' which basically gives the Police/security services etc. the right to look at everyone's internet browsing history this really worries me too & I find myself feeling v paranoid & expecting a visit from the Police. Am I being over anxious? Id appreciate your thoughts.
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  13. workinprogress added a post in a topic Help   

    Hi Gary. Your writing here suggests that you're serious about stopping, or at least serious about trying to stop. o assuming you decide that you're definitely up for the fight, congratulations on taking a first step to getting control back. Other people who have been through similar fights, and I include myself as a recovering sex addict, have found it useful to separate the fight into two workstreams. The first and easiest thing to address could be called "First level" measures. If you want to stop looking at porn, there are plenty of software tools that you can use to prevent it being accessible on your laptop. I use K9. It keeps a log of all your internet activity as well as blocking certain things and transmitting alerts. I found it really useful when I was deep in the shit to get an "accountability partner" - basically somebody I could genuinely trust to help me get clean - to hold the password and admin rights. That may be a bit tricky but it can really help. K9 isn't the only tool. There are plenty. They are also available for your smartphone and smart TV too. I also found it really helpful to think hard about all the times that I'd recently numbed-out to porn, or acted out, and work out what was influencing me just before, or at the time. I wrote a list of them as the "triggers" of acting out, and could then look at practical ways to avoid them. Certain places, emotions, times of day or situations make you feel porny? If it matters to you enough, you'll find ways to change those patterns. Many of us have found that descending deeper into compulsive porn use was combined with becoming more introverted and isolated, and I know i found it massively helpful to re-establish more sociable ways of living my "real" life; filling my time with real interactions with real people and friends... getting out in public, stuff like exercise and friendships.
    And that hopefully gives you a stable environment for the "Level 2" changes, which are much deeper and more difficult. For me, they were about trying to understand the underlying issues that were making me use porn and sex so compulsively and self-destructively. I was hating the stuff i was doing, getting no pleasure from them, and hating myself for doing them... but seemed unable to stop. WTF was that about? And how do I stop doing the stupid stuff? Well - that's where I'm out of my depth and you need to get help from people who know what they're about. I found Paula Hall's book to be one of the two most useful for me, along with the book (and online tools) from Gary Wilson and the website. I found The Chimp Paradox book really helpful in working out why i behaved in such a self-destructive way. Some people value the books by Patrick Carnes, like "Out of the Shadows". I found them a bit dated. I also invested a lot of money in counselling and therapy and I believe it was mostly really well spent. Might be worth checking out counsellors in your area? And of course there are 12-step groups, like Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous, which work really well for some people, but didn't for me.
    Christ - that is a long answer. Sorry if it has bored you to tears! But if I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to write back. Porn made a bloody mess of my life and i hope you can kick it before it damages yours too much. Take care.
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  14. Gary668484 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Where to start I am in a great relationship I was on chat sites paying someone for pics and vids on and of I was on porn sites on a daily basis first thing in the morning to last thing at night I got caught out a few months back felt regret and I realise it had to stop the chat sites and porn were gone but the porn is creeping back I have been caught twice in the last few weeks I'm trying to stop she has had enough I want to stop to save our relationship anyone with any advice it would be appreciated 
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  15. murdok added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    ova priča je vrlo zanimljivo, sjećam se da kad sam napravio sexy escort Siena di torchemada i to je bio predivan erotski trenutak, ali je dovelo do pravog opsesija sa seksom.
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  16. workinprogress added a post in a topic My addiction has ruined my marriage. I want to change   

    I feel your pain, guys, having been similarly hooked until I was caught in 2013. I worked from home and spent the vast majority of every day on porn sites and in chat rooms. Cost me what should have been the most productive years of my career and at least one sacking. Jeez.... can still remember the shock and pain when my secret life of lies crashed down around my family. I worked hard on recovery for the last 3-4 years and my wife and I worked hard on rebuilding a relationship, and I know it was really important to separate those two things. I had to get beyond seeing recovery as just a way to save my marriage. Had to be much deeper than that. Recovery was a way to save myself! It had to become more important to not be a practicing sex addict than to be married. Does that make sense at all, guys? Maybe worth giving that perspective some consideration for a moment?
    On the subject of compulsions, Simon, I guess you need to ask whether you just want to deal with them, or eventually be rid of them. Key message I remember from the best counsellors I worked with was that those compulsions are happening because of some underlying, unmet need in your life. And porn/chat is the drug you've become reliant on to soothe the pain of that unmet need. So there are a bunch of "1st Level" things you can do to stop acting out; porn filters, accountability partners, digital detox, documenting and avoiding triggers etc. But until you address the unmet needs, you;re just brushing the dust under the carpet.
    I'm not sure I'm in any position to offer advice. Unfortunately I slipped recently after nearly four years in recovery. People say it's the most natural thing in the world for an addict to relapse but I thought I'd kicked it. Didn't address a couple of underlying unmet needs . And I let the snowball roll for two weeks before I got a grip of the situation. Pretty arrogant of me to think I could play with porn and not get a bloody nose. Back on my wagon now and rebuilding but feeling shitty beyond belief.
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  17. workinprogress added a post in a topic I need help but dont know where   

    Is there an option to change your mobile number, Bilbo? And would it be possible to downgrade your handset from swanky smartphone to camera-less feature phone? They're not things that will provide a long-term fix, but they're the kind of 1st-level protections you can implement while you get your brain back in shape. If you need a Smartphone, I think K9 and others now do a mobile version of their porn filter. Must be worth a try!
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  18. Yasisboet added a topic in Success Stories   

    Sex or Love Addiction
    Can anyone talk to me about this comparison as I have been having therapy for this and my old wish is that I had this decades ago as it has ruined my life
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  19. Tortoise added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Hello everyone,
    I agree with you workinprogress, Schrödinger's story is inspiring...I really hope he hasn't dropped out. Schrödinger, if you see this post, I want you to know something:
    It's thanks to your courage in telling so candidly about your battle that has inspired me to sign up to this forum.
    I'm a 43 year old man who has struggled with looking and masturbating to P images since accidentally finding a magazine of a relative since I was about 6 or 7.
    I have tried unsuccessfully for YEARS to stay away from P. It has only been in the last few months I I have accepted that to truly improve my chances of recovering and staying recovered, I needed to reach out to a forum like this one. But I was so mixed up, I always felt I could do it on my own, I was embarrassed and ashamed, so always procrastinated from signing up and asking for help. I didn't have the stamina or courage to go longer than 14 days or so without relapsing.
    Anyway, after an abstinence of 16 days I relapsed yesterday and again today.  But as I said, it was reading YOUR posts Schrödinger, and the other encouraging messages from the rest of you that has helped me commit anew to this fight. Thank you.  Schrödinger, if you have dropped  out, please know that you are not alone, and we are all here to help each other. Your story and these other positive messages are the latest inspiration I've needed in order to say this:
    I'm an addict, and I need help.
    Thanks for listening everyone.

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  20. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Found out recently - can there be recovery?   

    Hi Bellatrix
    echoing the advice given before, seeking a trained counsellor in this specialist area is essential. Although as a Paula Hall associate you may expect  me to say this but I have heard too many stories where the partner has had all disclosed to themselves, without really consenting to this and it can be devastating to have so much info becoming a trigger to pain in every day life. The relationship  needs some support that understands the pitfalls of treating this as if it was an affair. it isnt. This can pervade all memories, times, places and begs questions as to what is left that is real. for trust and forgiveness to begin, a trained counsellor in this field is highly recommend
    BW ian
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  21. Ian Baker added a post in a topic Living with the aftermath of porn addiction   

    Can I add that at anytime you wish to seek counselling, make sure the individual knows about sex addiction. I've heard some devastating stories that alas with best will in the world, havent helped . There is more research being conducted on the relational impact of porn addiction and how the relationship can repair. Please if and when the need arises do ask an we can provide good supportive pathways
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  22. Ian Baker added a post in a topic My addiction has ruined my marriage. I want to change   

      Paula Halls book  sex addiciton the partners perspective is very helpful. p24 and p60 explores cycles of addiction and cycles of reaction . this helps to gain an understanding of a partners pain. P 42 43 goes a long way to explaining that. I know this means buying the book but it is a serious step in the right direction in self help to gain knowledge over this to gain control to lead to understanding , empathy to then work through and on a place of forgiveness to rebuilding trust  
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  23. Ian Baker added a post in a topic I need help but dont know where   

    Hi Bilbo
    change some passwords to something personal, ie wife's name. find ways of having a distraction before the need arises and practice it before, planning is key. persoanlising what will work for you too. Think ahead , what time is bad and do somehting else around that time, ie bored at 4 o'clock.plan somethign different and get out of the trigger zone
    best wishes
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  24. workinprogress added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Oh man.... this is inspiring, and i can feel your pain, Schroedinger. Looks like you've dropped out, which is a shame. Hope you won your battle with The Chimp.
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  25. workinprogress added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    I guess they work for some and not for others. Like Marmite!
    Sex-Aholics Anonymous didn't work for me, but appears to work for others (like PJ). Couldn't get my head around being absolved of accountability for my own actions... and my own recovery. Everything bad or good that happened was the work of my Higher Power. That said, after 4 years of "sobriety", I've suffered a slip, so I won't sit in my glass house and start throwing any stones . I might have a crack at one of the others that I'd understood were a little less religious.
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