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  1. Rob added a post in a topic Justifications   

    You're definitely not crazy nor are you being unreasonable. But you're trying to argue with someone who is not thinking straight.
    He's addicted and is going to try any rationalisation or excuse to keep it going. He needs to learn to set appropriate boundaries for himself. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences. I sense you care a lot and really want to help him but ultimately it's down to him and not you to police it. He sounds like he really needs a lot of external help. It's not really possible I think for you to do that or even have a full and fulfilling relationship even while he keeps up clinging onto his destructive behaviours. Because there is always something else "better" drawing his attention away.
    Who is he being accountable too exactly? I think he needs to talk about this a lot more with his accountability partner who should be able to help him with those boundaries. I'm not sure but if he's trying to use you as that person, but if he is then I think that places even more burden on you and isn't very fair.
    I'm very sorry and saddened to hear you're going through all this - it really is horrible and I can only imagine what it can be like. I hope you can most of all find support for yourself because it sounds difficult and draining on you to be trying to help so much but him fighting you instead.
    Peace
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  2. lookingthrough added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    What's Next? Venting
    I have been seeing someone for just over a year and a half, but it was not until a few months ago that we were officially in a relationship. Last November, I found out he(31 years old) has been seeing sex workers since his adulthood began. He told me he has even been seeing them while knowing me. It was a highly emotional thing and in December, he promised he would stop and that he could simply not go back to the local brothel without need for any sort of intervention. November and December were spent emotionally drained by his behavior and I was pleased enough with just believing him because I had a lot to do concerning moving to a new town and getting fully situated with new recreational activities, classes, jobs, volunteer opportunities. 
     
    The same month of moving I had a serious mental condition which I can not explain nor could the doctors. I would hardly walk, bending over was excruciatingly painful. I thought it was a UTI, but the doctor said it seemed to come from higher and they said I may need surgery. While on the waiting list for treatment, I was on antibiotics for a month. This stopped the pain, but then I was faced with a new issue of re-occurring yeast infections. This soon turned into green vaginal discharge and a scent that I never experienced before.
     
    Visits to the STI clinic led to nowhere; I was told I am clean other than strep B, which I was assured is painful and does not affect discharge. Frustrated with not knowing what was happening to me, I confronted my partner in July of this year. He came clean; he seen four escorts since the December promise to stop. One time was the week of my birthday, the other around the time I first met his family, one was the day he went to apply for the Master's program I suggested he check out, and another was for his birthday. I lost it mentally and have yet to fully come around. I get very subconscious when it comes to sex, I gained nearly fifteen pounds though I have not changed my eating patterns, I speak to him about escorts every time I see him, I look through his phone weekly, I break down and cry regularly. The worst part of this all is I have opened the box to a self I have stored deeply away for so long. I have been very cruel with my words and verbally abusive. I get so angry over things non-related to the cheating that I feel my face getting warm. This was to be a year of me reclaiming my life; I was in a runt for awhile since I was left destitute by my ex-husband in a foreign country three years ago, struggling to adjust to the country I now consider home. The year to reclaim my life in a very productive setting has been disrupted; though I am productive, I find myself slipping every now and then and very much out of energy from all this worry and sorrow. 
    The person I am seeing said he agrees, it was time for outside help. Soon enough, two months passed without much change. Social media filled with escort pages and promiscuous women flaunting their sexuality remained, online dating site usernames remained, motivational literature from a mental health organisation were not read, he did not complete the assignments in our cognitive behavioral therapy class, and no treatment was sought. All while I was still bombarded with all these draining emotions. What to do? We argued, tears were shed, and I threatened to leave unless more change occurred.
    He visits me more frequently though this does not necessarily put my mind at ease because I know once he goes, he could be up to anything. He finally found a local therapist who says she specialises in sex addiction. Erratically, he would visit the therapist but this inconsistency was concerning. Well, after another STI clinic visit that came out with no answers, I decided to pay for a private smear. I was diagnosed with HPV. Things changed at this stage. I am now aware I have an incurable STD. Emotions ran higher, with guilt and shame plaguing me daily. I nag him to get into a twelve step program to no avail. I try to get him to go to confidential mental health weekly meet ups for support with whatever he is going through with no luck.
    It has been one year now since he has come clean about his fixation on prostitutes last November. How much has really changed? Not a lot. The online content he chooses to follow on social media remain, therapy is not attended regularly, and it was only two days ago that he came clean that he checks out the website where he buys escorts on a weekly basis. He says he does not have a problem but at the same time says he must look at these escorts on a weekly to bi-weekly basis to help pacify an urge. He said this is the healthiest way for him. The social media, he says he is attached to those people's pages because it is what he has looked at during his lowest point in life.
     
    I am at wits' end. Nothing I do, no matter how much energy I spend on this, is enough for a break through. I have decided after a year to walk away, but I have not fully committed to doing this yet. I fear he will go back to the brothel after a few months without sex, I fear the people who may contract HPV through him, I fear he will get AIDS, I fear he will end up on the newspaper during a brothel raid. What to do? In a moment of desperation, I contacted his sister on facebook and told her about his issue and how a family intervention may save his life. I was told that I am a liar and nothing progressed further. Walking away without accomplishing anything for him is difficult. Sometimes I say to myself I have failed him, but within moments I know that I did all within my power. I think "you can lead a horse to water, but you can not make him drink it". Other times, I feel as though I failed myself. So much of this year has been wasted due to emotional turmoil when I should of simply walked away. I seem to never be good at just walking away. Now, I spent a year in a very uncomfortable state, not living that enriching life I could, perhaps, of lived if I was not so engulfed in all his drama. I have justified my decision to leave with the fact that within a year, the minimal progress I expected has not been reached.
     
    I am venting on this site I found this morning when I really should be completing an essay for college that is due tonight. My mind is elsewhere and college is something I do not feel like engaging in. Surely all that I am going through is something someone can relate to. May seem odd, but since I do not know who to vent to, I am taking this online. Co-sex addiction is something I need to think about and how to get past this hurdle without looking back. 
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  3. Fighting4recovery added a post in a topic Recovery support   

    Hey!

    Great! We need each other to beat this demon! I will send you a message and let's talk!

    In recovery
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  4. Hopefloats added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Justifications
    My fiance has told me that he has used certain apps (programing and rooting apps) in the past to acces pornographic material, either by direct acces or allowing him to get around the accountability app he uses (freezing the accountability apps ability to see what he's doing). While he used them to acces porn these are not what the apps main functions are or the only way he used them. 
    I have set this non-negotiable boundary: no apps or websites that have been used to access porn in the past are used now. They are not installed on his phone or computer and he does not use them when browsing. There ARE alternatives out there that can be used which do not pose the same risk. I have also requested that all apps and websites be monitored. 
    His response is that his addiction IS "avoidance" and by avoiding these things I consider risk factors that could be used for porn just feeds his "addiction to avoid" and will end up triggering him to use porn. He feels he should be allowed to use them in moderation. I feel this is a justification. I am at a crossroads as to what I do. I feel I am not out of line in my boundary. I don't feel it is an unreasonable request. 
    I'm just tired of the circular arguements, deflecting, and projecting. I feel like I'm going crazy.  
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  5. Westmids1 added a post in a topic Recovery support   

    Hey,
     
    I would really appreciate your support. I dont think i can do this alone.
     
     Thank you
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  6. Fighting4recovery added a post in a topic I can't stop paying for sex, getting ridiculous   

    Hey Yiksob11,
     
    How you doing pal? How is recovery going for you?
     
     
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  7. Fighting4recovery added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Recovery support
    I just wanted to thank Paula Hall and her wonderful associates for creating this safe place for fellow addicts to come together to share their fears and hopes. As someone who came into recovery nearly two years ago with the support of one of the associates I am beginning to see light at the end of tunnel. 
    Reading the stories and personal accounts on the forum is a blessing. It is a reminder where I can be if I abandon recovery or slip. If any guys want to talk recovery and be accountability partners get in touch. Drop me a message?
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  8. Christine added a post in a topic Need support from other suffering from porn addiction   

    Thank you for having the courage to acknowledge that porn is an issue for you. You might find it helpful to access the following website: www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk  this is a free resource that might be a helpful kickstart in getting support. Hope this helps. Christine
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  9. Westmids1 added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Need support from other suffering from porn addiction
    I am 25 years old, married with 2 children. I also have another person looming in my relationship..... Porn.
    I have watched porn since the age of around 13 and for many years just deemed it as "normal" and "lad" type behaviour. It wasn't until I realised around 3 years ago that I was watching porn daily and at any chance I could get. Since this revelation, it has spiralled out of control which is jeopardising my mental health and relationship. I constantly feel guilty, ashamed and depressed. This is causing constant tension on my marriage and my ability to be a father. I have tried a million if different routes to get off porn (hypnotherapy, self help books, counselling) but none of them have worked.
    A common theme I have noticed but never tried his having a someone to support you who Is going through the same addiction.
    Its a massive ask, but anyone out there who is willing to support me, and in return I support them, through this addiction?
    I am a desperate man living everyday with a porn demon on my shoulder.
     
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  10. Westmids1 added a post in a topic Need to stop   

    Hiya Pal,
     
    I'm in the same situation as yourself. Husband and father who leads a double life. I have my home life then I have this life which I feel consumed by porn and unable to break away. I have been seeking help for years and nothing has yet worked. When looking at a lot of guides they recommend finding support.
     
    I know how your feeling and I know that you want/need to stop for your own sanity. I become extremely depressed these days when watching porn.
     
    Should we support each other?
     
    Cheers
     
     
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  11. Wanttostop added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Need to stop
    I am a father and a husband, and I've been using pornography for the vast majority of my adult life. For the last five years or so I've woken up to what a horrible industry it can be and felt overwhelming guilt for the way I essentially used these people and added to the problem. I can't seem to stop though: if I'm alone my first thought is always of pornography. I hate myself so much after, I need to stop.
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  12. hsresearch added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Research on Sex Addiction and Personality
    Research on Sex Addiction and Personality - http://www.click4survey.com/s/16328/db1aaa0e

    Hi,
    We are currently conducting a non-profit university psychological research on Sex Addiction and Personality. It aims to enhance our understanding of the problem and deliver suggestions for therapeutical treatment.
    The study is open to everyone above the age of 18, any gender, whether you experience sexuality related difficulties or not, please feel free to participate. It is 100% anonymous.
    The survey should take you no more than 10-15 minutes.
    Here's the link: http://www.click4survey.com/s/16328/db1aaa0e
    Also, please, feel free to share the link with your friends, on social media or internet forums. The results of the study will be published online, the access link is provided at the end of the survey.
    Thank you,
    Vojtech, research coordinator
    hypersex.research@gmail.com
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  13. Rob added a post in a topic Really angry and unhappy with my addiction   

    I'd second Christine's suggestions.
    Here too are some online resources to help get you started:

    Personally I found my porn use was correlated with how happy I was with myself and my life. The more angry, withdrawn and unhappy I was, the more porn I'd want which made me more.... you guessed it - angry, withdrawn and unhappy.
    Like you, I used to think that I "needed" porn in order to perform well at work or, to a lesser extent, with studies. I found in reality, I was using porn to cope with the stress and mask anxiety and insecurity.
    What you describe about your porn viewing and past sexual experience is a brave and honest thing to admit. I think your experience of going off into realms that don't hold any real life attraction is a common experience for guys who've used porn a lot - it's part of the escalation behaviour that the addiction wants to drive. I appreciate that can be difficult to reconcile too. A common one I see a lot is straight guys who find themselves compelled to look at gay porn, for example. It doesn't make immediate sense with respect to their sexuality and getting to the bottom of why is going to be a personal journey, perhaps with a therapist, to really get the bottom of why you feel drawn to certain types of porn.
    Again personally I found that being free of porn (I make a clear distinction here with "giving up") didn't make all my anxieties and problems go away. In fact, it did the opposite in many ways - it brought to the surface things I had been using porn to avoid and bury. But I don't want to put you off at all - it forced me to learn better ways of addressing or letting go of those issues which are part of everyone's life experience really but critically without continuing a destructive sexual relationship with myself. The hard part for me personally is that it took my wife having an affair for me to wake up and realise the destruction I'd been creating.
    I've never been to a 12 step group but I have had a lot of support from group work in general. I'm convinced that was pivotal for me to change. I think finding similar guys in the real world is so very important.  I'm also an atheist but would hope that I could put that aside and gloss over the "God parts" of 12 step to get what I need from it. I believe there are more "religion optional" 12 step groups around. Maybe I am being naïve about myself, I don't know but I'd hope that it would help me get clean without ending up in church every week... I guess what I mean most of all is that I wouldn't want it to hold me back from change.
    Peace.
     
     
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  14. Christine added a post in a topic Really angry and unhappy with my addiction   

    Hi you might find it helpful to use the kick start recovery kit this is a free self help resource for sex and porn addiction and this may give you some direction the website address is: www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk it might then be worth looking at meeting with a therapist to discuss your direction in more detail. Christine
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  15. psh added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Really angry and unhappy with my addiction
    Just spent £150 on porn and am really angry and unhappy. I'm in my late 30's married and I have almost no interest sexually in my partner although I love her to bits, I use porn when I'm stressed and bored and have never really seen it as an issue or a problem. Recently started to see the links between general unhappiness and the use of pornography further research made the link between pornography and the inability to concentrate (don't know whether this is true or not) . But pornography and computer game use have always been constants throughout my life since I was 18+ and I feel that this has been related to my ability to complete course work at college and university, my lack of employment for many years and now is having an impact on my employment. Staying up late, being very stressed has been a constant companion in my life. I'm hoping that giving up porn will address some of these issues. 
     
    I do feel as though I have a difficulty in making connections with people and I don't know whether this is because of porn, but I now feel lonelier then I ever have and am not confident in social  interaction very easy despite having what some would consider a job that requires such confidence.
     
    When I was much younger I cross-dressed and this is also led to interest in Sissy and cross dressing porn, and into sexual behaviors that unrelated to my sexual preference. I don't identify myself as TV Bisexual or Gay.
     
    I don't know what to do, I've recently read a book about a 12 step program by a famous celebrity, and have found a local 12 step group. However I'm not very spiritual, consider myself an atheist and am not sure that this is for me.  I just want some direction.
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  16. Realitycheck added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hi Rena and Eliza, I have struggled with the Jekyll and Hyde thing too. What I find confusing now is knowing whether the moral compass was every really there in the first place? I wonder and doubt his whole personality because of the acute ability to manage to live such a double life. Sometimes I wonder where the ability to lie really stems: is the sa a symptom of some bigger personality disorder or is the deceit really induced by the shame. Because if the standards were ever so high and genuine why would they behave in a such disrespectful way in the first place. And if they had such good grounding surely normal shame/guilt would have kicked their ass away from all that crap and as soon as they new they did the thing that violated their values they would have stopped before becoming addicted?? 
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  17. PJ added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hi Eliza & Rena
    I feel for you both, it is crappy being a partner of someone who is addicted, and it is crappy being an addict.  Addiction is very **********
    I once heard Paula say something like "Addiction is a compulsive habit that goes against your morals and principles".  There is a lot of truth in that, and it is why addicts hide what they do because they are ashamed, it is why they have such low self-esteem too.    Their deeper true selves are moral but many have this pain deep in their soul that they often don't know how to comfort accept through something that is immoral.  That doesn't excuse them of wrong doing, although many do rationalise their behaviour and excuse themselves in some way - often blaming others when they should be taking responsibility for their wrong doing.
    In saying this, whilst I think your understanding (I want to say empathy but I am not sure that is quite right...) of 'us addicts' is important, I would encourage you to be morally clear and firm.  Don't lose your moral compass in the games we play, the self-deception that has to happen to allow us to compromise our own moral principles.   
    Rena - so glad you are looking more to your own needs, putting in boundaries and your own well-being.  That is obviously vital for you (seriously) - and it is also important for his recovery.  We addicts can't do this on our own, we need partners who won't make allowances, who can despite our dysfunctions, function in a more healthy way.   I couldn't have done this without my wife. 
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  18. Yiksob11 added a post in a topic North East   

    Hi Paulos, the online resource on the main website 'Paula Hall' might be a good place to start. You do a short questionnaire then you download the document and it has been very useful for me so far. It is like a self-help approach
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  19. Realitycheck added a post in a topic Patience   

    Firstly, thank you for taking the time to reply. My partner went on the UPN course and most of the content was repetition of what was gone over on the intensive course.   He said it was a waste of time and money.  I am disappointed. I have read both books and a lot of the book for partners is repetition of the book for the 'addict'.  I appreciate the book is initially good because it gives you a label, it offers some theory when you are desperate to make sense of your shattered world but I find it cold and lacking in solutions for the partner.   It basically states the obvious of how you feel but offers no real compassionate reasoning for why.  The courses are not cheap and in my experience my partner has come away with a very damaging victim stance, still very defensive, has not had any insight at all of understanding a partners needs. Still manipulative. The only thing he has been practicing is self assertion and he has only damaged relationship further by asserting his own selfish and warped attitude. He has gained no support with how to take responsibility for the damage he has caused. He gets angry that I refuse to accept him sweeping it under the carpet.   I appreciate that your courses are designed for the addict and that the nature of this is the epitome of self-centredness but I do not think you can claim to understand partners. Five months in, he's been on the intensive with weekly sessions from one of your councillors at a whopping 75.00 each and still no emergence of empathy, still no sign of finding his way to focus on any restoration work on our relationship. I have run out of patience.
    WORTHYHOPE the book you suggest is definitely worth the read and made a lot of sense but my partner has not been able to improve from it unfortunately. His overall attitude suggests anything that even hints of God and he's automatically rubbishing the credibility of any of the writers wise words. 
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  20. Rena added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hi Eliza, 
    I am sorry to hear you have been through this too! My heart goes out to you. I hope that you have some people around you to support you. 
    PJs comment shed a little light, that's true. I am still struggling with it to be honest with you. 
    I've avoided the forum for a while, as it feels like my partner's problems have consumed my whole life! It is so tiring! 
    The morality thing is something we speak about a lot now. I found out that he has continued to watch porn and cruise ex girlfriends online for the last year, despite promising me over and over that he had stopped. It finally led to him saying the actual words 'I have a sex addiction problem' after nearly a year.  He tells me he wants to be a 'good person' and is trying really hard to 'be who you want me to be' ... but as always I think deep down he still wants distant lust and fantasy with his supermodel ex gfs and fetish girls online etc who he cheated on me with during our entire relationship. Intimacy scares him and he just is not capable of stopping. 
    What has helped is actually reading more about codependancy. So thank you PJ. I am also reading more about self esteem. It has helped me to to establish boundaries, emotional and practical, and to talk to my partner in terms of what MY needs are. I underestimated the impact that gaslighting, manipulation and deceipt have had on my cognitive and emotional wellbeing. The book codependency for dummies is something I would recommend. Not that all of it is relevant, but parts of it certainly are helpful. I am focusing now on what I can do to make myself happier, and better. 
    I would really like to hear more from other SAs to understand where this split moral personality happens, and if it is possible to reconcile the two halves. 
    I don't know if I am ever going to trust my partner again, because he is literally capable of anything. 
    I know it is different for everyone, and I really hope that you find some support and help that you both need Eliza. 
    Love to you. 
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  21. Eliza added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Firstly, Rena, I'm so sorry you have gone through this. It is so devastating.
    I realise the last post on this was over a month ago, but I found this really interesting when you mentioned morality Rena, as it is one of the things I have really struggled to get a grip on with my husband's SA. He has always (so I thought) had such high moral standards, the last thing he'd want to do is hurt me, he spoke with disgust about one of my exes who cheated on me, we would hear about other people's flirtations/affairs and be shocked, he was such a 'gentleman', stuck up for me, defended me. Always said that if anyone ever hurt me he would destroy them, because he couldn't bear to see me hurt. Just had such a high moral code.
    And then I found out everything (multiple forms of cheating - sexting, adult dating websites, flirting/sleeping with exes and a couple of other girls we know, sleeping with prostitutes, pornography, web cams, sex chat rooms - & meeting up/sleeping with some of the girls from there). I mean... he's done absolutely everything, he's cheated on me and betrayed me in the worst possible ways. I cannot even conceive of this man doing those things, saying those things to those girls. And I think back to how much on his high horse he was about things like my ex cheating on me... and just feel sick. It doesn't make sense.
    He tells me he still has those values, that it's the man he "wants to be".. but now I know he is capable of all that other stuff, it's just incredibly, incredibly hard.
    PJ, your response has helped me understand it a little bit better, I think. Thank you for writing it.
    If anyone else can shed any light on the matter, I would be really interested to hear it.
     
     
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  22. Realitycheck added a post in a topic My husband is addicted to sex workers   

    I too have been devastated by the henious discovery of my partners sa. As well as some Skype sessions with a counsellor to talk to I have found the book 'Living and Loving after Betrayal', how to heal from emotional abuse, deceit, infidelity and chronic resentment by Steven Stosny excellent. I also read Paula's book for partners which is helpful to get a grip on the confusion and chaos experienced amid initial discovery. 
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  23. Hanna added a post in a topic North East   

    You could also read as many books as you can - they say Russel brand is good but i have not read but did read Gary Wilson - your brain on porn , very good, pity my husband would not read before we split. 
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  24. Hanna added a post in a topic North East   

    Hi have you tried the following 
    Emergency NoFap - A useful quick inspirational site when you're feeling triggered or tempted to remind you why you're becoming a better man. 

    Your Brain On Porn - Huge website containing many resources to educate yourself about the effect of porn on the brain and to get help.

    Reboot Nation - Gabe Deem's website containing another great set of resources and a forum.

    Recovery Nation - Free self-help website for sex addicts, love addicts and porn addicts.

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  25. Rob added a post in a topic Desperate and Scared   

    I felt the same also and very isolated. But it doesn't have to be that way.
    Further on, I started to realise that actually my isolated and feeling like I was disgusting and a weirdo helped keep me trapped in the cycle of acting out. The two feed into each other.
    You're definitely not alone and there are others like you and me out there who share this problem.
    I think also knowing that fighting on your own doesn't work means you then have to take steps to do something different. Otherwise again you are just repeating the same actions and lifestyle and then getting the same result each time (acting out). This is not what any of us want.
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