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  1. Paula Hall added a post in a topic who can my partner talk to?   

    Hi Jo,
    I can assure you that no-one will judge your husband here.  We've worked with literally hundreds and hundreds of people with this problem and we know how difficult it is.  But as you can see from some of the posts on 'Success Stories' people do get through this.  The support of other people who have been through this is so important and that's why we deliver our group recovery programmes as well and also aftercare groups where people continue to meet and support each other in recovery.  Do encourage your husband to get in touch and we can talk more.  I don't know where you are in the country, but another place to go for help could be one of the 12 step support groups such as SAA or SLAA.  Do google them and see if there's one local to you.  Warmest wishes.
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  2. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Not sure if I have a problem or not...   

    Thanks for writing such an honest post.  It's good to hear a female voice on the forum to remind us that this problem can affect anyone.
    It certainly sounds like you have a problem, but whether that's 'addiction' to sex or just a different desire to your partner is hard to know.  Regrettably we often want what we can't have even more, so it may be his lack of interest that is driving your desire more than anything else.  You know something is an addiction when you feel dependent on it.  When it becomes the most important thing in your life that pre-occupies you.  Also when not being able to access your 'drug of choice' leaves you feeling low or irritable and the search for it starts causing problems in other areas of your life.  It may be that a session with a therapist would help you to think these issues through.  Certainly a question I would ask is whether or not this has been a problem for you in previous relationships and whether you've ever struggled with other types of addiction or if addiction is in your family of origin at all.  Do take a look around the rest of this site for more information and you might find the 'Am I an Addict? assessment tool helpful too.  Do get in touch with us if you'd like a one-off session to explore - many of us are sex and couple therapists as well so we can help you - whatever the correct 'definition' might be.  Best wishes.;
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  3. PJ added a post in a topic A year into recovery   

    Hi, yes, I am now 2 years and a month into recovery and slip free (other than a minor slip at 9 months).  Paula tells me that after two years one's recovery is well established.  I feel great!  
    Other than my wife, SAA has worked very well for me as an additional support.  I would recommend something like that to everyone.
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  4. Tortoise added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Thanks for the advice PatBatemanBlog.
    I am currently in the process of seeing psychiatric professionals for something else, and have talked a them about this, so will seek a referral from them to the relevant specialist.
     
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  5. freeduzor added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    Hi,
    Thinking about sex is usually common among guys. But if you think yours is something out of the ordinary then you really have to do something about it really fast before you start acting out your fantasies and that can land you in jail. You should read up how sexual addiction works here: Sex Addiction - The Problem, The Routines and Vicious Cycle.
    I hope this helps
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  6. freeduzor added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

    Hi Dave..
    Trying to be free from porn addiction on your own is not almost possible. First of all, make up your mind that you want to STOP pornography viewing... no matter how many times you fail, dust yourself up and GET UP! You should find someone you can be accountable to... Not your wife... someone you really respect. Your baby really needs you clean and sane...look around you for meetings and counseling. You can also read up on how porn addiction effects your life and causes,effects and remedies to porn addiction.
    I hope this helps
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  7. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Hi tortoise,
     
    I received help for porn addiction from psychosexual therapy. I was forwarded to them by my GP, so I'd say that's your first line of inquiry. You may be able to get sessions after sitting on a wait list for a while. Tell your wife it's sessions for confidence building if you have to, that's what I told my parents. It wasn't a lie, just not all of the truth.
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  8. Tortoise added a post in a topic Hello, I'm a porn addict.   

    Hi Atwitsend, Hi Workinprogress, Hi 10, Hi Rob. and hi to anyone else reading this?
    Sorry this is just a brief post. I'm just checking in to ask, how are you all doing? 
    I don't really have a lot in the way of new insight or discussion as I am trying to find distraction from my addiction in the huge amount of studying I have to do at the moment. With varying degrees of success day to day. God, this is difficult! But I just wanted to say that I have not forgotten about you all, and that includes anyone else reading this who has similiar issues and who recognises bits of their story in those of others who've posted in this whole forum. For by reading your posts and knowing there are others out there going through similar experiences, it really helps. And when I read a comment such as 
    still encouraged by posts like yours, Tortoise. Keep up the good fight!
    from you Atwitsend, it in turn encourages me.  "It has occurred to me how important this process of positive feed back and inspiration goes.
    I'm sorry if it seems to any of you that there are particular points raised by things you've posted that I've not attempted to answer, or if any of my posts have seemed too self-centered or anything like that. It's tricky isn't it? How wrapped up we can become in our own problems when trying to figure this all out and recover, whereas yet at the same time I suppose this is a process of mental self-examination and analysis.   
    Sorry also if this is all a bit "all over the place."
    Anyway, take care everyone, and as you said Atwitsend, keep up the good fight!
     
      
     
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  9. Ian Baker added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

    Hi Dave 42
     
    you can donwnload the self help tool kit http://www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk/index.php/component/content/category/19-kick-start-recovery
    and there are a couple of books too which will relate to this. Look up SAA, or SA, or SLAA and see which groups exist in your area. but there are also on line groups too. Group work is wonderful to supporting recovery , especially for accountability , honesty and sharing.
    BW
    Ian Paula Hall Associate
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  10. Tortoise added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    Me too.
    You are not alone. You've made an important first step by reaching out.
    It's not only good to share thoughts about this, for me, I find it's essential. 
    I actually came to the forum this morning as an alternative to looking at a P site. I needed to remind myself why I'm making this effort to stop. It helps!  
    Best wishes to all, and keep fighting!  
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  11. PatBatemanBlog added a post in a topic HI Serial porn addict and cheater   

    My GP forwarded me to psychotherapy for porn addiction which was very helpful. I'd say that was a first step. It sounds like your partner wants you to get help, so I'd recommend starting there. If the first GP doesn't help, try another at the same surgery. I'd say be wary of SLAA and other support groups as they will probably force feed you Christian stuff, guilt trip you and will ignore science.
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  12. Jo added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    who can my partner talk to?
    My husband wants someone to talk to who has been through porn addiction and been healed...he doesn't think it's possible. He doesn't want to be judged...what are the options? Thank you.
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  13. Davyswifey added a post in a topic Should I be stressed out?   

    Hi Jo,
    I have been married to my husband for 24 years and it has been an issue from very early on in the relationship although at that time I didn't realise it. There was no internet porn then, he used foreign channels to get his kicks but once a computer was bought it really kicked in.
    In my experience being further down the relationship path than you I would say get out while you still have a future you can build with someone else. My husband has been given chance after chance, recently I told him he had to go for therapy otherwise we are over. So, he agreed and went 4 times at a cost of £50 per session and then I find a cloud account with various pictures. When confronted he says "I never said I would stop completely". 
    I can now say I really have had it, we are over. We are in the same house but not a couple. Don't make my mistake I stick around for another 10 years, it won't improve in my opinion.
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  14. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Partner addicted to erotic massages and prostitutes - over 20 years..   

    Hi Ede, 
    Oh what a shock to find yourself in this situation.  For any partner it comes as a shock of course, but in later relationships we all like to think that we're somehow wiser and more knowledgeable - but regrettably sex addiction is so easy to hide - and deny as you've painfully discovered. 
    I'm sorry to hear that you've not found a treatment approach that has worked for your husband.  Unfortunately being lied to is a common and unavoidable hazard when working in this field and as a therapist you have to be aware of it.  In my experience, that's where being part of a group is so powerful - you may have heard the expression "you can't bullshit a bullshitter'.  It's within the groups that we really see people opening up and being honest - often for the first time in their lives.  
    Our intensives are specifically developed for people who struggle geographically and we have had many people join us from Europe, from the Emirates and from the USA.  If you want more information, please feel free to email me personally at paula@paulahall.co.uk  We also provide intensive support programmes for partners so we can help you get the help that you need to survive this too - whether that's alone, or together. 
    Warmest wishes,
    Paula
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  15. Paula Hall added a post in a topic PARTNER SENSITIVE SUPPORT   

    Thanks for posting this.  It's great to have new resources and to share them round.  It's such an encouragement.  
     
    Paula
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  16. Terita added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    PARTNER SENSITIVE SUPPORT
    Amazing supportive article with Barbara Steffens 
     
    Everyone, including therapists should read this 
     
    https://www.btr.org/stories/barb-steffens-secondary-betrayal-trauma
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  17. seaweedandsand added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Not sure if I have a problem or not...
    Hi everyone, have just stumbled across this forum whilst trying to find answers online. 
    I'm not sure if I have a problem or not. I am a 32 year old female, mother of two. I live with my partner and I am going through a divorce (I was married for 10 years). My soon to be ex husband didn't have a high sex drive, at the start it was okay but it petered out and became a big issue between us. I felt rejected/unwanted/unattractive and my self esteem and confidence hit an all time low. He ended up having an affair, despite me wanting to have sex clearly I wasn't the one he wanted to be doing it with! Anyway, I kicked him out and shortly after met my new partner. 
     
    He and I have been together for nearly 2 years and have recently moved in together. The trouble is, I want to have sex every night. I really enjoy having sex with him, at the beginning of our relationship we were at it all the time. I know it's natural for it to slow down, but now whenever he turns me down (citing his age/tiredness etc - he does have a hard stressful job) I feel rejected again and it really upsets me. I look forward to us going to bed because I want to have sex with him, it's on my mind a lot of the day and when we don't have the children (we each have children) it's all I really want to do. 
    I dread 'that' time of the month because I have to go a week without it. 
    Does anyone have any advice? Do I have a problem? If so, who is best to speak to? Thank you and good luck to everyone else x 
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  18. Paula Hall added a post in a topic Gay Porn addict   

    Thanks so much for reaching out for help.  Unfortunately we know that watching a lot of porn impacts your arousal - what's known as Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction or PIED for short is a very common side effect of heavy porn use and often the side effect that gets people realising they need to stop.  We can of course offer you individual help or you can join one of our recovery courses - get in touch if you're interested, but in addition you can get help through a number of other online resources.  The first thing you need to do though is block your access to porn.  No blocker is fool proof, but ask someone you know well to put the password on your devices to stop you accessing.  Make it as difficult as possible for yourself.  In addition to that, think about other ways you can distract yourself, take up a new hobbie, spend more time socialising.  Perhaps you've tried all this already and it  hasn't worked and if that's the case, then please do get in touch so we can help you look at the deeper causes of the problem and why you're finding it so hard to quit.  You deserve a better sex life than porn is giving you - that's for sure and regrettably it's likely to get worse if you don't get help.  This is a great first step though. 
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  19. dave42 added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    and myself   too 
     
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  20. Cantstop added a post in a topic Constantly Thinking of sex   

    you're not alone. This is exactly how I feel. 
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  21. Jo added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Should I be stressed out?
    Hi 
    my husband has been a porn addict since before we started going out but he was always trying to deal with it. 10 years on it's still going on when he gets the chance/the urge is too strong/he's down etc. We have filters on the computer, he says he hates doing it, he has some one who checks up on him. But every few months he slips again. To be honest I have buried my head in the sand about it but I'm getting fed up now, and don't want to have to forgive him anymore. Obviously it affects our sex life as well although for a long time I didn't think it was, I just thought he didn't find me attractive. I just want to know if I should be doing something more and whether he can be, to try and properly defeat it if that's what he says he wants to do.  Thanks.
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  22. Ede added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Partner addicted to erotic massages and prostitutes - over 20 years..
    Dear Paula, Dear fellow partners who have suffered infidelity of such nature,
    My husband has a sexual addiction (prostitutes, erotic massages, etc), which has been ongoing for the last 15-20 years. He is almost 60 no. We are on a second marriage (now together for 6 years) and I have recently discovered what has been going on. I am mentally and emotionally devasted by the uglyness of everything that he has subsequently (after going through cycles of lying and denying) shared with me - often describing it in such vivid detail that the pain drives me into despair and hysteria. I do not live in the UK and would like to receive some advice as to possible treatments for him - we have tried therapy multiple times but he just lies to the therapist, waisting large amounts of money for no good reason. Are there any other medical solutions we could do? I am just so desperate, as well as ashamed, embarassed and frustrated by all that has just been dumped on me that I feel paralyzed in thought and action..
    I hope for your advice soon.
    Kind regards,
    Ede
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  23. Claire added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Miriam,
    Your message means a lot to me.  It is so comforting to know that I'm not alone .  I have only told my two sisters the truth about what's going on - I know it would help to talk to others but my sons haven't been told and I want to protect them from the truth, at least until they're older.  Besides it's not an easy topic to discuss.  I do realize however that this secrecy is bad for the soul and only compounds the loneliness and isolation. 
    I hope you find help and comfort here on this site.  I realize that my posts are bleak and lacking in hope but that's only been my experience.  Many here have sought help and are in recovery so there is hope.  I would recommend Paula's book for partners as it helped understand some of what was going on.
    I really wish you the very best.  Keep heart and keep strong.
    Claire
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  24. Miriam added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire, 
    I'm new here - only joined today. I came here looking for support in knowing I'm not alone. On reading your posts, I have to admit that my own pain took a back seat. Their are only two things I can say to you; 1) You have tried so very hard to support your husband and save your marriage. I can understand that you are now at the end of your tether. However, only you can call time on your marriage. 2) It is better for children to have one happy parent than two unhappy ones. 
    Stay strong, and know that you are not totally alone. There are others, like myself, who are in turmoil too even though you don't know them personally; they are out there feeling just as lonely, lost and isolated. 
    Take care of yourself. You are important, and you are, clearly, a compassionate person who has a lot to give. 
    Miriam
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  25. Claire added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi,
    I really appreciate those of you who got back to me with such kind and helpful advice.  I found your message, Rob, to be particularly helpful as it gave me an insight into my husband's way of thinking as an addict.  My husband is very much still in the "bubble" you refer to but being unfamiliar with this term, I have always called it a shell which unfortunately is impenetrable. I have accepted this.  I gave up trying to reason with him a year ago.  I had revisited our marriage counselor in the hope of making one last effort to save our marriage and he seemed on board  - for a few hours.  Next day we were back to normal.  All my efforts were met with resistance - his words said he wanted a loving relationship his actions said otherwise.  I have wasted so much time in trying to make sense of this but have come at last to the understanding that one cannot reason with an addict.  Their actions do not make sense.  The addict did not want to make it work but that would mean having to commit to a life of sobriety.  We've been on this merry go round for over three and a half years and I'm exhausted. I realize now that there has been little or no sign of him being in recovery all this time.  His last counselor who was treating him for trauma in childhood terminated the counselling on the basis that she said he wasn't in recovery and needed residential addiction counselling.  I met her for one session and she spoke of his resistance, his obsession with my behavior and his unwillingness to own what he's done - all of this I witness on a daily basis.  His response, as always, was  to refute what she said.  
    I have finally accepted defeat.  I desperately need to separate from him - but what about my two beautiful sons - it breaks my heart to see them embroiled in this sordid mess.   I have proposed a separation whereby they stay in the family home and we divide the time we spend with them between us.  I even moved out for 2 and 3 days a week during the winter to let him see that it would be the best way forward.  But there has been no cooperation from him.  We are still living in the same house.  I feel powerless against this disease.  Can anyone help?
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