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Activity Stream

  1. outofwishes added a post in a topic Not quite success, but a ray of hope   

    Little coda to yesterdays post. Was at a friend's place yesterday evening and they offered me a brandy and said I should stay over. I said that, if I did that more than a few times I'd have to give their name and address to the sex offenders register. They said, 'Put it on. I'm your friend and I don't care who knows it.'
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  2. outofwishes added a post in a topic Not quite success, but a ray of hope   

    I've had my first crown court appearance now. The judge really tore into me and it was the first time I felt what it's like to be on the receiving end of real anger and disgust at what I've done. I suppose it's about encountering someone who only knows that about me and how I look to them. It's probably something I need to get used to. I am now on the sex offenders register and have a criminal record with a conviction for a sexual offence on it with all the implications for employment and travel they bring. I will be sentenced after a report from the probation service.
    It has been hard to find the levels of calm I had before the appearance, but I'm keeping myself occupied and have one particular friend who is able to spend a lot of time with me. I have had so much conflicting opinion on the possible legal and social outcomes from different agencies that I have stopped seeking advice, especially as my head is so good at horror movies. I have been assessed by the probation service and am keen to get on with the therapy/counseling they will provide, whatever the punishment element turns out to be.
    It's still 11 days to my sentencing, the sun is shining and I've just had my first whole night's sleep for a few days. I'm trying to look on the current situation like a holiday; I know it's going to end, but I need to enjoy it while I'm here.
    If there's any lesson to come at this stage it would be, avoid thoughts of 'poor me'. There are arguments about the law's response to my offence compared with, say, being caught with drugs for the first time and, in my case, part of the CPS evidence is a bit wobbly. But none of this will affect the outcome; the law is the law and will be applied no matter what I think of it. The wobbly evidence doesn't change the fact they are right, I had those images. 'Poor me' just brings self-hatred for both now-me and then-me ('If only I'd...'), it can also, if it get's control of your tongue, make you sound like a whiny child who's stamping his foot and saying it's not fair; this will not help your case.    
       
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  3. PJ added a post in a topic Not quite success, but a ray of hope   

    Hi Outofwishes
    Thanks for this, very helpful.  It seems to me that being found out can, perhaps often, comes as a great relief.  For me, I couldn't live with the deception any longer - so when things come into the light, I felt like I became more integrated.
    At SAA, most, perhaps all, often find it a relief even when the police have caught them and are facing trial.  It demonstrates what a terrible affliction this addiction is - when we are relieved to be caught.
    Do tell us what the outcome was - please give us an update.
    Best wishes
     
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  4. Christine added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Hi all
    Just wanted to let you all know, but particularly those who were seeking therapy for support, if people cannot afford the therapy offered by a qualified therapist at the Laurel Centre then where possible we can offer a reduced fee where you can work with someone who is a qualified therapist and who is training in the field of sex addiction. If you would still like support and have not been informed of this option please do not hesitate to contact the Laurel Centre and ask to be referred to a trainee therapist. Hopefully, this addiction will be one day be recognised in the same way that substance misuse is so that people can have access to support therapeutically, as part of a recovery plan. Take Care Christine
     
     
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  5. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Thought I'd check in...
    Life has not been the best and I have been acting out my addictive behaviours. That's the bad part out of the way. 
    The positives. 
    I have had two meets with regular people which is less than normal and there has been no one new brought into my world.
    I have now potentially got a therapist who I may be able to start with who I can afford.
    I have shared properly with two friends and they have stuck by me even though I have hurt them with my behaviour. 
    I am not feeling as black about life in general and my actions in particular. I know I can't change things that have happened, but I am starting to feel like there may actually be a way out of this, even though right now I'm still entrenched I can feel a little hope in the background 
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  6. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic Recovery story   

    hi Cat
    wow another woman. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am just at the start of mine and one of the biggest hurdles I have found so far is the fact that I'm a woman. I feel such a freak as 'woman aren't meant to have issues with sex'. Or that's what I got told anyway.
    I would love to keep in touch in some way if that's possible. 
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  7. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic What I'm going through now   

    I've just read your blog. Thank you for sharing in such an open way. So much of it resonates with me and although my addiction has gone down a different route to yours, the steps that have taken it there have been similar. 
     
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  8. outofwishes added a topic in Success Stories   

    Not quite success, but a ray of hope
    I'm getting sentenced for possession of illegal images of children next month and the waiting is hell. However, I wrote this to myself this morning and thought I'd share it. 
     
    What an odd thing my head is. So full of voices (not in a MPD way) demanding attention, dragging regrets from the past and making horror movies about the future; how does it feel to get shanked?
    So I've been working on all that useless negative crap. Sharpening up my sense of perspective, reminding myself that half a billion china-men don't give a toss about who I am or what I've done. I've been reading some Tolle as recommended by a good friend and I've been meditating 20 minutes a day and, apart from a single nagging little butterfly that seems to have taken up residence in the pit of my stomach, I've actually had long periods of relaxed normality; the litany of fears and regrets reduced to barely a murmur.
    So here's something new. I'm missing that panicked state (it's ok, it's back now). It's like a sore in my mouth, when it stops hurting I can't help but poke it with my tongue, 'Where's the pain? Remind me what you feel like.' What I'm achieving is good, it points to a more thoughtful and functional me when calm ceases to be a tool to help me through the next few months and becomes part of my life. I need to learn to let it.
    I'm positively serene about the stuff I'm leaving behind in my life and getting a little impatient with my employer for not getting my resignation sorted. I'm leaving behind one major not-work activity after 9 years of striving to be good at it and I'm relieved I don't have to strive any more. I've left all the activist organisations and no longer feel I have a duty to wade through the comments in the Daily Mail putting people straight. When I hear that The Powerful have behaved in some baldly evil way, or that the Not So Powerful are tearing themselves to shreds, I'm learning not to pile into the ruckus; they don't listen to each other, they're certainly not going to listen to me.
    The ego (for want of a better term) is bloody powerful; it wants regret so it can whine about how hard done by it is, it wants fear because that takes over my whole mind and my body. It want's to be in control and has been for so long that these brief periods of calm and acceptance feel like the aberration. My sentencing is not now, or today, or this week. Actually, it's not even this month so this is a great time to take pleasure in what I have now.
    When I've stopped shaking quite so much, had my porridge with banana, blueberries and raspberries, and filled the Black Bin to the very top with more crap-from-the-past that not even gumtree wants for free, I'll get in my little car and drive hundreds of miles to spend a few days with a very good friend. We will walk a bit and watch old movies and play board games and try not to talk about either the past or the future because neither of them actually matter now.
     
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  9. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    thanks for the advice Josh .
    at the moment it is not something I can consider. I know that sounds strange given I'm here and saying I want to stop. Right now, I need that safety net even if I never use it. When I read through your post, I really thought I could maybe do that, but then had a huge anxiety attack.
    I think it is hard as my main issue progressed from porn so long ago, that I don't use sites often anymore even before this.
    my addictive behaviours are physical with real people. I would say I'm a prostitute but I don't get paid........But if someone calls me and wanted it, (before I found here and have started the process of change) I would just do it, whether I'd met them before or not.
    But despite a difficult week I have now had days of being sober. 17/4/18 is going to be an important date for me. 
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  10. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Here's the way to get rid of your profiles. Write down some random code on a piece of paper...like 6h8884knsdf   Something that you'll never remember. Then go to your profile settings and change your password to that. You'll have to type it in twice, so make sure to write it down. Then, once that password is changed, destroy the piece of paper.
    Yes, you can always go back and launch a new profile, and you can even contact support...but what you've done is create a small hurdle...and that small hurdle may be enough to stop you in your tracks.
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  11. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    I get where you're coming from. I think we use the chaos of things to distract us at times from thinking about what is actually happening. 
    I am currently 3 full days clean of actual physical addictive behaviours that have involved anyone else. I have decided for now this is the minimum I will accept for my abstinence. I want sex from now on to only be part of a loving honest relationship. 
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  12. outofwishes added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    I don't know why, but getting rid seems like good therapy for, well, anything really. I've been slowly culling my FB friends - down from 1500 to 500 over the last week and I'm aiming to get to under 100; but it gets harder :). This is for different reasons that yours Enig, but I've applied the same process to books, clothes, DVDs, odd bits of furniture. Maybe clearing the junk of life out of the way gives us a little more space to think? Dunno - just a thought.  
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  13. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic My story, my challenge   

    Hi.
    Just wanted to connect and see how you are getting on. 
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  14. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    So things are changing. 
    Yesterday I had a very emotional day and it is something that in the past would have seen me running to screw anyone and everyone just to get through.
    But I didn't, I have woken up today and know I'm clean. I haven't woken up with those feelings of despising myself. It is a strange feeling, but nice in a way as well.
    I've also got rid of more of my fb and hidden myself on my hook up site. I know you are asking why I haven't cancelled it and deleted everything......I can't right now, the thought of having nothing else there is too scary right now. But it does mean I won't be getting loads of offers and messages through the day.
    Update over........thanks for letting me just waffle on. It is helping.
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  15. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Yeah. I've been hiding so long that it is scary coming into the light even with one person who knows me properly. 
     
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  16. outofwishes added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    That's been exactly my experience, Enig - and I could be headed for prison. If people know you well, if they know the good side of you, they see your addiction as just one part of you. Clearly you have to be careful about who you tell, but suddenly having some people you can be around without feeling you're hiding something is such a relief.
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  17. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    I made a step forward last night. I opened up to one of my best friends about my addiction. 
    They blew my mind away with their support. There was no condemnation or judgement, just concern and real worry that I may have been hurt or taken advantage of because of it. It feels good to have made that step, another move from the shadows and secrecy that can fuel this more.
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  18. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    The worst thing is, I know all this stuff. My job is basically 24/7 therapy. I spend all my time supporting people to take control of their lives, identify issues and deal with them. But I can't do it myself.
    I've tried getting a therapist but can't afford one.
    I've contacted two 12 step groups and both said they would pass my details to the group leaders but I have not heard anything.
    I've got books including Paula's. And have been researching everything I can .
    I do crossfit at least 4 days a week which I love.
    I'm making excuses which is wrong.
    So what are the things I can do that will support my recovery; I am going to keep coming here and posting. I am thinking of starting some form of journal. I'm going to chase the support groups for the information I need.
    Thanks for replying j sometimes we need reminders even if it is information we already know.
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  19. Hannah added a post in a topic How to Discuss   

    What you’re saying about parental controls, I blocked porn on my ISP account. It didn’t take my husband very long to get around it, but even then he still was able to access porn. He some videos stored on his computer/hard drive back up. He was able to access other materials not blocked by the parental controls that involved partially clothed/topless/near nudity and full frontal nudity. He certainly considered buying DVDs although I’m not sure if he did. 
    Unlike your husband, there was no apparent charge in his behaviour towards me. If anything, it was around about this time that the distance between us was getting bigger and something didn’t feel quite right. But nothing changed. I had a false sense of security from the parental controls for a little while but my intuition told me otherwise. He’s very tech savvy so I figured it was only a matter of time, and I was right. 
    I recognise all those fakey “I love you’s”. If I had interrupted his porn time which I sometimes did because I so wanted to catch him in the act, he’d jump out of his chair after closing the lid on his laptop and be all hugs and kisses and I love you, and offering me cups of tea. Of course I knew what he’d been doing but he had it all set up to avoid detection. I had this idea in my mind that unless I had any evidence there was no way to confront him, and nothing had ever changed early on when I did find evidence. To him, getting caught out was a learning s opportunity. I felt completely powerless. I wish I’d actually just come out and said it, but I was scared  of the aggravation I might cause. I ‘ll come back with the rest of my story because I paid the price of “put up and shut up” and it’s not good for any woman to do that. Just as their porn addiction is progressive, so is our distress. 
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  20. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Get a therapist, go to a 12-step group, buy a book, keep posting here or other places, start a blog, exercise...there's so much you can do. The more ropes you have, the less likely you are to slip.
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  21. Enigmajacq added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    Thanks Josh 
    I am still feeling like shit. I ended up acting out again today. I need to get control but the more I try the more despise myself and that leads me to do the behaviour I despise.
    I don't know why I'm here or still posting. But it is like I've found a rope to hang on to to stop me drowning and even though I am going under regularly I know I can't let go or I will go completely under.
    So tomorrow I will try again.......
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  22. Hannah added a post in a topic How to Discuss   

    Feelbroken, thank you for sharing your story. It appears a very familiar one as many women on this forum will testify. Like you and Cowslip, I was also aware of my husband’s porn use. I knew he’d been using internet porn regularly for at least 15 years before I couldn’t take the isolation any more. Before that he’d bought magazines and DVDs, and VHS movies before there were DVDs. It was always something that he kept hidden but as soon as we had the internet at home he was straight on the porn sites, which I found in his browsing history. He soon learned how to clean up all traces of what he’d been doing, so I couldn’t prove anything. As with Cowslip, it was my intuition that told me he was using porn, not his internet history. 
    I noticed an immediate effect on our sex life. His interest in sex decreased almost straight away and even physically his responses and reactions seemed less intense. Our sex life dwindled to maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I’d always have to initiate, and I mean ALWAYS. Every time. I’d be getting turned down more often than not, and in the end he was losing his erection and couldn’t finish. It was soul destroying for me, to know he was masturbating to that garbage and making all that effort to make the time for it and then make sure there was no evidence that I might accidentally stumble across. I never touched his computer or his phone but he was still very meticulous about leaving no trace. 
    The reason why I’m saying this is that porn addiction is progressive. I had no clue at the time. I had reached a sort of a truce with him where as long as there was no physical infidelity I would ‘accept’ his porn habit and turn a blind eye. This turned out to be a big mistake on my part but the way I saw it at the time was that he didn’t want me sexually, he wanted porn, and not me. I felt that the rest of our relationship was good. So what else could I do? Every time I confronted him about the porn he’d say he’d stop using it but within the week he’d go back to it. He wasn’t interested in having sex with me, so I ‘tolerated’ it as the only option. I thought our relationship would carry on working well in every other respect but some years later I realised that the porn had a very damaging effect on other aspects of our relationship. That’s why I believe it’s never a good idea to put up and shut up. 
    I’ll have to continue this post later on, but please remember you’re not alone
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  23. Hannah added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Yvonne, I so understand your pain as do many other partners here. In order for the courageous women on this forum to offer you some words of kindness and support, may I suggest that you copy and paste your post in a new thread? Otherwise it may get a bit lost. Please don’t be afraid to reach out X
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  24. Joshua Shea added a post in a topic New and ashamed   

    First, take a deep breath. You're still here. Just be in the moment. Take a few deep breaths. In the through the nose, out through the mouth.
    You didn't break up those marriages. I'm not claiming being a party to adultery is morally OK, but those marriages broke up because of the decisions that were made by the people in the marriage. Odds are, if you weren't "the other person" that somebody else would have been. Unless someone is mentally deficient in this equation, you don't have to believe you were the reason those marriages broke up. At most, you were a prop. You've got enough other things to deal with. Don't make this about you when it really isn't. It's about their failed marriages.
    Learn from this, work on yourself because you have no control over others and try to be better next time.
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  25. Realitycheck added a post in a topic How to Discuss   

    Hi 'Feelbroken', 
    In my experience if he is an addict you will be dealing with someone who is in denial and will be unable to be truthful with himself never mind anyone else about his behaviour. It wasn't until I bought, read and gave a copy of a book on this problem that my partner even considered he might have a problem and I wasn't talking bs. Again this is just my experience and what I did. Do what you think is best for you. 
    I wish you well. 
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